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Referencing XKCD feels very mid-00s to me, but for years one strip in particular has stuck with me, one in which the narrator describes the process of intensely and deeply connecting with someone, falling for them immediately (and vice versa). How when you commit to someone, whether that be marriage or just a long-term monogamous relationship, that this is given up forever, or at least should be, at least for most of us.
I remember reading that in my mid 20s and it's stuck with me ever since. I'm in a long-term relationship (married fourteen years, together for twenty), and every time I come back and read this comic there's a small ache as my fidelity reminds me what I can no longer have.
Or, reminds me what I've never had. Not really. I've never fallen that fast and sudden, most of my relationships resembling the flaring of a small and tended flame: my wife and I knew each other for years before we got together; or, when C. and I kissed at the end of high school it was the result of a year of quick glances, electricity, what we had smouldering until we stopped in the rain one night, how under a streetlight she went up on her toes to kiss me. In the case of my wife, something changed in how we saw each other, and I could feel that aching tension beginning to build. But that was a slow process, over a period of months. I remember her veiled remarks. How she left room for interpretation. The sight of her in a dim-lit tunnel in the concert hall, rehearsing, dressed in black. How I was stunned by her sound, and by her. But that wasn't the quick fall. It wasn't the realization that things were changing immediately, and here, and now.
Maybe the closest I ever got to what XKCD describes was with my ex. We were both on one of the boards associated with the teen domain scene - late 99, early 00. We chatted at night on ICQ and AIM. Maybe we sent PMs on the boards, I can't remember. It's been a few years. They decided to drive up, ostensibly to visit their grandparents, but definitely also to meet me. We had two days. Was there anything really between us? We were going to find out.
I remember we went for a walk down the edge of a flower-lined street to the bridge, going down to the river before making our way around to explore the university campus, chatting the whole time. I remember them making me blush, and telling me I had the most amazing smile. Oh, we both realized our little crush had something. They drove me home and on my back porch they turned me around, leaned in and kissed me. I remember darkness. The smell of lilacs. How they held me. The low warmth of early summer.