💾 Archived View for waitingforthe.day › journal › hope.gmi captured on 2023-06-14 at 14:00:30. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
⬅️ Previous capture (2022-04-28)
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0x0000: >> BEGIN HEADER................................................. 0x0040: DATETIME: 19-04-20XXT21:26...................................... 0x0080: SUBJECT: MY GIFT TO YOU......................................... 0x00c0: TX: UNKNOWN..................................................... 0x0100: RX: WAITINGFORTHE.DAY........................................... 0x0140: PRIORITY: LOW................................................... 0x0180: << END HEADER................................................... 0x01c0: >> BEGIN MESSAGE................................................ 0x0200: MY DEAREST CHILD, LOOK AT HOW YOU'VE GROWN! I THINK IT'S FINALLY 0x0240: TIME, TIME FOR YOU TO HAVE YOUR VERY OWN SHIP TO YOURSELF. A VE 0x0280: SSEL FOR YOU TO EXPLORE THIS WORLD IN, WHAT AN EXCITING TIME TO 0x02c0: BE ALIVE! TAKE CARE OF IT, AND IT WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU. I HOPE 0x0300: IT SERVES YOU WELL AND THAT YOU END UP GOING ON MANY WONDERFUL A 0x0340: DVENTURES IN IT. LOVE YOU ALWAYS, AND TRAVEL SAFELY............. 0x0380: << END MESSAGE..................................................
how did things end up this bad? a vicious cycle, one where i continue to hurl abuse at the ship that keeps me safe from the vast expanse outside. i'm honestly surprised it's still kept me alive after all i've put it through, but i suppose it has no choice, no say in the matter. it cannot think or speak, it cannot make choices for itself and be rid of me despite my destructive tendencies. it just gets to suffer by my hand until one of us ultimately gives in.
fuck, it doesn't even need me. if anything i'm actively bad for it. it would be better off without me tagging along for the ride. and yet, we continue to drift in this orbit we're both trapped within. i should really be treating it better so i can preserve myself, but for some reason i'm compelled to physically punish it to atone for things it never did--why?
truth be told, i couldn't tell you why. i'm tired and barely functioning at this point. it makes me feel awful to do such things to this poor, poor ship, but it's as if my body is thinking for itself and acting against my will. i feel like i've lost my agency to do anything. that is... anything but to embrace that void outside. oh how beautiful it must be, to be freed of everything. yeah, that sounds nice. maybe i should.
maybe, but for now i'm tired. i'll see how i feel about it tomorrow.