💾 Archived View for evilswampmonster.flounder.online › may2023.gmi captured on 2023-06-14 at 13:55:51. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
⬅️ Previous capture (2023-05-30)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
astrology app says that i have power in all areas today. excited to inevitably be corrupted by it
i feel like this season of my life is about trying to maintain the balance between "nothing is rlly that big of a deal despite my tendency to take things extremely personally" and "i get to feel sad even if nobody has intentionally hurt me." anyway
floundering at work!!! omg
going to jeff for the last time in a while later today! my bf is gonna drive me there because my car could die at any moment. im only staying for a couple of days because of my new job, but im really excited. it feels nice that we get to do the drive together the last time im there for the foreseeable future. besides the one time i almost got shot, it's usually a really nice drive :)
nvm good things were not coming
broke no menstruation may :/ we were so close
worked today and then we had a staff meeting at work & some of my coworkers invited me to go to bar trivia with them afterwards. have been with people for like 13 hours straight, but i feel good and not exhausted! currently listening to big thief with my bf over discord and looking at apartments online. even though my car sucks right now and ive been a little depressed lately, i feel like good things are coming <3
feeling blah. burned the roof of my mouth really bad and my car is kinda toast. the people at the repair shop say that i can keep driving it for a while though but it'll explode eventually and i need to keep checking the oil every time i drive it. ugh
gonna actually go to a support group meeting soon even though it seems kinda icky to me. the idea of going by myself is daunting but the idea of asking someone to go with me is honestly worse. ugh x2
unsure if ill go to the open mic night tonight. i feel like i should because i think i need to be with people but also i really just want to get high and watch a movie, and idk if i'll be great company. hmm
the car place says they can get my car in tomorrow! i hope it'll be ready in time for the experimental open mic tomorrow night. also my dad driving me to work is getting old
had a dream last night that i was picking up broken glass and today my coworker knocked over a bottle of wine and i helped him clean up the broken glass...may have developed prophetic vision
worked today and am going to my grandma's birthday party in a minute:) my dad had to drive me to work (car is broken) and on the way there i frantically remembered that i didn't bring my backpack bc he would drive me to school in middle school. surreal times
the show on wednesday was incredible. amazing poetry and great music :)
my bf got a job, and it's a good one! (thank god) he came in town yesterday to interview and they called him back right before we got lunch. we're both excited and relieved to not be doing long distance anymore very soon.
i feel really good about most things going on in my life right now-- i feel like my roots in stl are getting stronger and im learning to be gentler with myself. the only thing that really sucks for me right now is that my car is messed up. i put oil in it last week and it's already dangerously low again, and the only mechanic that i know isn't a scammer is busy until wednesday. so im stranded at home for the weekend which kinda sucks. but i know that it's temporary.
babysat my little cousin today and he asked me if god has a phone. we also got dinosaur temporary tattoos and watched my cat sleep for like 2 hours it was awesome
also im done with my first semester of my master's program and i like my new job. come to the webster groves garden cafe if you want me to make you a baklava latte :)
considering taking an edible before the poetry reading tomorrow. would it be disrespectful to the art to not experience it sober or honoring it to be high there? hmm
new job is good and i did ok on my finals and i took an edible earlier. feeling yippee and like i need to play disco elysium again
also i found out recently i was born on a full moon. what's up with that
obsessing over @idi's new zine puker. if you don't have a copy yet i highly recommend it!
also im officially for real starting a new job tomorrow! i asked the manager/owner what i should wear and she said that the dress code is to wear what's comfortable. :)
overall doing much better than last night. the person who my last post was about has apologized which is nice. still not at 100% with the situation but happy w that at least. ive also started doing yoga and meditating again. there's this one yoga video that ive been using as a guide that feels nice and peaceful when im doing it but the next day my abs always feel absolutely shredded and sore. it's magic
the only really bad thing that has happened today is that i think i shrunk my favorite overalls in the wash. they feel short. and overalls are expensive so im a little bummed bc i wear them all the time and it makes sense to replace them. ig it's good that im working tomorrow ! i also have to go to bed at 9:30 so i can get a good amount of sleep so im skipping the splash pad show :/
had an absolute blast at the beerstravaganza on friday! loved making wizard staffs and meeting new people :)
the rest of the weekend has spiraled though. ive talked a little bit on here before about a family member with mental health issues who ive been trying to take care of and things got a lot worse a couple of minutes ago. this person is a lot more unwell than ive been thinking they were. i don't want to get too much in detail because it's still fresh and im trying to process but basically my and my mom's living situation was threatened and im not doing super great.
i was also going to go into a new job tomorrow honestly as a test run-- i didn't really want the job but it was a backup. i was debating it for a while and i decided to go and see how it was. but i have two other places that are looking like theyll give me the job (one of which i basically got offered the job already) and after the thing that just happened i think i need some space. the risk/reward just got a lot different.
im feeling that kinda sick-to-your-stomach shaky at the moment. im gonna go talk to my boyfriend and eat some ice cream
currently have 2 job offers and am not sure which one to take and i have to decide before tomorrow. a little stressed but im trying to appreciate that this is ultimately a good problem to have. im gonna write out stuff about the two options mostly for myself but lmk if you have strong opinions:
-job A: kinda anal. made me do a phone screen and also a v formal interview. i would be serving old people a lot and have a strict dress code, but the pay is probably a little better. i also would probably have more strict hours but my day would start at 8
-job B: very chill. i had an interview scheduled for 2pm and i arrived at 1:50 and was out the door with a job offer before 2. it seems like most ppl working there are in their early 20s or late teens. probably not too much of a rush most of the time. but the pay is probably gonna be slightly worse, but the hours will probably be more flexible(but i will have to be there at 6am)
(-third option that doesn't exist yet: would probably be a long drive from my house + wild card hours and pay)
??? they both have strong pros and cons idk. i also have a final tonight! woo
ive been thinking a lot lately about anxiety and how it relates to creating truth. maybe this is just how it functions in my family and not a universal but i think the way social anxiety functions is that it makes you doubt your version of reality and trust & look to others for theirs. like, my anxiety stems from doing something Incorrect and others seeing it and thinking that it's Incorrect, like saying something and ppl taking it as me being offensive or rude.
my grandma has a lot of social anxiety-- like a LOT. and i remember her telling this story about how her sister (who died before i was born) told everyone she walking home from school one day and a cardinal landed on one shoulder and a bluebird landed on the other, and my grandma truly believes her to this day, that that actually happened. she trusted her sister's reality over her own doubts that that's a possible thing to have happen. it's like social constructivism to the extreme
idk where im going with all of this but i feel like the core part of incorporating anxiety into your system (instead of letting it take over) is to accept your own personhood and perspective in a way and to allow other people to adapt to your perspective sometimes, like as a form of respect for yourself and them. and to accept that there will be parts of yourself that are not understood by others or yourself. idk maybe this is an obvious thought but to me it's big