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grandpa satan

20 may 2020

I said I had stories from work; best put my money where my mouth is, as a proof of concept that this blog is something I can actually do.

Well, here goes.

I work at a pharmacy in a puny-ass town, but on the front-end, not in the actual pharmacy. We're a regional chain that is basically like a RiteAid or CVS or Walgreens or whatever.

So I basically just work retail, but our store happens to sell both convenience store bullshit and medicine (although I only have to deal with over-the-counter stuff).

I'm writing this, of course, during the CoViD-19 pandemic, so I have to wear a mask, and everyone is wearing masks. We have to kick customers out who aren't wearing masks.

Yesterday, I had an opening shift. I get there at 6:45am with my supervisor, do a bunch of opening shit, and then basically just have to sit there at the register until people really start coming in at like 9am because that's when the pharmacy opens.

Most days that is -- yesterday, at 7:10am, just after my supervisor walked to the backroom to do her opening shit, in walks this little old man. He grabs a newspaper and comes up to the register. Sweet little old guy. Most innocent dude I've ever seen.

"Hi, how's it going?" I ask.

"Oohh, just fine!" he says.

"The total's gonna be two doll--" I begin, before stopping dead when I see it.

Dude's wearing this fucking mask... this fucking mask.

This fucking mask is white on black, and has two large pentagrams on it. Around each of the pentagrams is written in a gothic-looking font, "SATANIC TEMPLE OF [nearby city]". And above these, across the top of the mask, is written in large text of the same font, "FUCK GOD."

And I get the most confused fucking expression on my face at this point, because my area is almost entirely composed of old conservative Christian types. And this guy fits the bill. He's just this little old man, and he's wearing the edgiest Satanist facemask I can imagine.

What the hell is going on? What the hell is going on? What the hell is going on?

Thank god he can't see my face -- it's behind a facemask of my own.

So I say to this guy, "That sure is an, uh, interesting mask you have there."

His reply, I shit you not: "Ooh, yes, when this all started, I didn't have any facemasks, so my grandson gave this to me. It's from some club he's in at school."

I didn't have the heart to say anything. The dude definitely had absolutely no idea what was on his face. Funniest shit I've ever seen. I finished the sale, holding back laughter, failing to hold back the pained expression that came with holding back laughter, and not really caring about that because nobody could see my face anyway. Thank god.

In unrelated news, about an hour later, we had a dude pull down his pants all the way and take a piss in the parking lot, then walk through the drive-thru and ask to go to the bathroom.

Overall, excellent day.