💾 Archived View for evilswampmonster.flounder.online › march2023.gmi captured on 2023-06-14 at 13:53:27. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
⬅️ Previous capture (2023-03-20)
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pineapple rain is happening :) my favorite weather
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my life has been research preparation and literature reviews and studying, and it's nice to have a week off for spring break.
my horoscope says that the general theme of my life rn is that im going to be making new relationships that deviate from old patterns and like...yeah. i feel like im finally learning to make connections that don't activate my anxious attachment like crazy.
i have two job interviews next week! i really want to get some savings so that i can have my own place. one of the jobs im interviewing for is for helping kids who are neurodivergent and i really want that one. i love the idea of my job being something that actually makes the world better instead of feeding corporate greed, and i think i could really help some kids.
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ive been applying to jobs today which is a process i absolutely hate, especially the parts where you have to upload your resume and then manually put in when you worked and where. im excited to have consistency in my work though. the inconsistency of being a sub is exhausting. (also ive been applying to hr jobs so i hopefully will make a little more money than i have been lol)
im tired of living with my parents. they hate that i go into the city so much, but i love the city! im hoping that my future job gives me more independence. slowly working towards the goal of moving out.
i may go to a concert at the sinkhole tonight.
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i have to go to a thing for my baby cousin-- it's a "project night" at a weird church. sounds culty to me. but apparently it's a big deal to him. it sucks bc i really wanted to ask ppl to go w me to the concert tonight. :/ trying v hard to be supportive and not be a pissy baby about it but failing
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leaving a lot of updates today lol but the project night absolutely rocked. i was expecting it to be a religious conservative thing but it wasn't and the projects were so cool! my cousin did a project about fungi! it was awesome! and i was thinking about fungi yesterday too! look how cool it is:
im still kinda sad abt missing the concert but im glad i went :)
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i have a really nasty migraine at the moment. in bed eating oatmeal and watching a documentary about fungi. it's crazy how something like a fungus can be so disgusting and beautiful at the same time.
ive been kinda discouraged about knitting just because i keep getting worried about messing it up. i wish i had some kind of a knitting group to knit with. it's a little ironic how im not investing much time into it because im worried about wasting the time i already have invested in it. i feel like that says something about me.
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stayed up very late oops
having a v nice weekend so far with thrifting and iced tea and good beer and spring finally coming. i also did well on my midterms :) i really wanted to do well in my master's program so that i can get a phd if i want it later but the more i think about it, the more that sacrificing 4 years and a lot of financial freedom for an extra degree seems unnecessary.
it's really convenient to be able to pick up whatever shifts i want as a sub but also im realizing that i think i need a more consistent schedule, because wow, it's really easy to let a week go by and not do anything, especially when there aren't shifts consistently available! also the job doesn't exist in the summer. im gonna start looking for coffee shop jobs tomorrow i think. but now i need to sleep.
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two midterms today! thankfully they're both online and open note but still stressful.
feeling tired. excited that my spring break is next week though. im probably going to go up to jeff again for part of it but i also want to hang out in st louis for part of it.
after graduating in december ive felt a little isolated since most of my college friends are in jeff or como, and im trying to put down roots here. im feeling a lot of self doubt about coming off as self-absorbed or annoying, & frustration with how much anxiety i get in new situations. im trying to be patient with the parts of myself that are so self-critical since i know they're trying to protect me from rejection. but ugh. growth takes so long!!
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baby's first bong rip + i need to remember to wear my retainer more
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omw back to stl from jeff city i stopped like halfway through to stretch my legs and look at sheep. so i pulled into a driveway (i parked, like, as close to the road as possible and the driveway was as long as a football field) and a woman came out with her dog and deadass a shotgun and yelled at me to get off their property...lol. anyway i did not get shot and am now at home.
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currently at my bf's house :) his dad asked me straight up if i like weed, lol, so i partook (thankfully not around him because i hadn't had any in months and it hit me like a truck).
we walked around an abandoned memorial home yesterday before remembering that our friend got in trouble for trespassing recently around that area so we ran away :(
ive been realizing how negative my social mindset is! my therapist is incredible. i didn't realize how much work i have to do on myself and tbh it's daunting. im v impatient and the work is so so so slow!
there's not a ton to do in jeff-- ive mostly just been studying, hanging out with nate's dogs, and driving around. the world moves faster in the city than it does in smaller towns.
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decided i like my new haircut!
about to go out of town. i decided not to go to an event i was looking forward to bc of an ongoing headache and not wanting to drive super late. a little bummed about it tbh but i feel like it's the right thing given the circumstances.
feeling a little anxious that im overall too much or too boring for ppl! might talk to my therapist about anxiety medication
excited about seeing my boyfriend and wishing everyone i love lived in the same place.
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i have had a headache since sunday.
looking through my previously written poetry im realizing that all of my poems are depressing and i used them to get through the shit i was going through. ive experimented with happy poetry a little but honestly i feel like it all comes off as cheesy and silly. gonna dip my toe into silly poetry.
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got a haircut, started a knitting project for the first time since like 3rd grade, and bought a rlly fun sweater. im trying to embody the energy of spring but the time change has me exhausted. i also think i like the haircut but it gets in my eyes a lot. not sure about it yet.
im going out of town on wednesday! im going to an open mic night thing first and then im gonna drive up in the night. im a little sad that im missing another weekend in stl bc it seems like so much is happening this week but im very excited to see my bf :)
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my sister left earlier. missing her already. im also getting a migraine because im on my period. overall feeling tired and a little scattered.
i want to make plans with friends this week but i might be going out of town on wednesday (which is fun and im excited to go, but it disrupts my routine a little).
i found something thrift shopping that reminded me of a friend, and i think im going to offer it to them the next time i see them. im usually a pretty bad gift giver, but im feeling good about this.
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in therapy earlier my therapist was concerned that i was feeling anxious because i looked tense around my shoulders. i had to explain to her that i was wearing a boiler suit under my sweater and it was restricting my arm movements. lol
my sister's coming in town tonight! excited to see her. ill definitely cry when she leaves on sunday. i miss having her in the same city as me.
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sleepy, a little tipsy, and wrapped in a blanket atm. had good beer and went to a good concert with a friend. feeling peaceful.
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second journal update in under an hour! wahoo
really itching to do some body modifications. i want to do:
i want to make my body feel more like it's mine and less like im preserving it for someone or something else, if that makes sense. i did read somewhere that you should wait until you're 25 to get any permanent stuff done because the prefrontal cortex developing fully can really influence you, but im fairly confident i'll always like snails
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external thoughts: had a good time collaging with friends tonight :) it feels good to get out of the house for not-work reasons in general but the community and the crafts were nourishing to my brain. i wanted to get high there but im still not sure whether or not ill be drug tested at any point by my job (idrk how to ask anyone if ill be drug tested without outing myself as an evil devil worshipper who smokes weed lol)
i was gonna pick up a day at work tomorrow subbing but it looks like the only jobs available are for kindergarten or 8th grade, and my mom told me that the 8th graders at that particular school are supposed to be absolutely out of control, so i think im going to take a rest day and feel okay about it.
internal thoughts: not feeling okay about it. capitalism has really ingrained the need to be productive in me. im trying to remind myself that living with my parents is a tradeoff-- it can be exhausting, but that also means i get the privilege of taking time off work when i need (or want) to since i dont have bills (besides one electric bill, but that's another thought for another flounder update).
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in my counseling classes we're talking about how to format therapy notes, and one aspect of them is the external signs (ie, if they're slumping, flat affect, etc) vs their explanation (what they say). i think i might start formatting my flounder diary like that? not as harshly delineated, but kind of that general vibe.
external thoughts: tired. wrangling high schoolers for 8 hours is hard. grateful that my future job will not be like this. feeling bad for my sister who does this every day and i feel like im starting to understand why she's so exhausted a lot of the time.
internal thoughts: idk if it's the high schoolers rocking my confidence but i feel like im not really sure where my place is in some of my friends' lives. i think my anxiety stems from not feeling super wanted. im gonna try to work on that in myself.
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my horoscope this week said that i would have "unexpected visitors towards the end of the week or weekend," and my aunt, cousins, and grandma all showed up out of the blue earlier like clockwork. i always have the best conversations with my aunt that nourish my little heart and the most body-critical conversations with my grandma possible. i love her though.
i hung out with some new friends on friday and had a great time dancing poorly to an amazing band called sister dynamite and eating carrot cake pancakes. i hope i can see them again soon. i also wrote 2 mediocre poems this weekend and submitted one each to two of my favorite lit spaces. feeling productive and tired at the moment.
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just got back home from therapy! i really love my new therapist. it's interesting to me how much emotional growth simultaneously feels satisfying and like shit. it's like picking a scab.
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just remembered that the word "amateur" comes from the word "amour"-- to do something for the love of it. yesterday i learned that the word "companion" comes from "com," meaning "with," and "pan," meaning "bread." a companion is someone you eat bread with! amateurs do things because they love them! etymology is cute sometimes
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i had breakfast with a new-old friend today (we knew each other in middle school and high school but we're reconnecting now). i also told her about flounder and she seemed like she was into it. if you're reading this, hey stella! :)
i feel like, at the beginning of every new season, if im not depressed, i decide that that season is my favorite season (except for winter, which just feels like a worse version of fall to me). im getting that feeling about this coming spring. after deleting tiktok a few weeks ago, i can feel my brain settling into grooves more easily and wanting to do things like reading and writing and playing guitar. ive also started going on more walks. i think my brain needed the vitamin d.
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