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Today is October 1st and I am going to fix my damn life. This is a post where I dump about myself a little bit before I talk about progress.
This last year SUCKED! This last year has sucked just so much. I have spent the entire time writhing in pain over how much it sucked. So many seriously, deeply fucked up things happened.
Because of the suckage of the last year, I began isolating myself, practicing habits of unnecessary hypervigilance, severed notions of trust, and began rejecting any forms of assistance, aid, or support coming my way. This resulted in a reduction of my emotional fortitude that resulted in severe damage to the relationships I held most dear despite the changes.
Today I decided it has been enough of that shit. How are things going? Well, worse. Things are worse than they were when I thought I was in the height of the bad. And it will keep getting worse. But I don't have to keep getting worse.
I started this gemlog to track specifically my project at getting better.
I'm not particularly new to trying to get better. I've had a lot of restarts and do-overs. I'm trans, I've run away, I've moved a bit, and I've had my systems of documenting it all. But this one needs to be different. I don't want to have to do this again.
My first goal: End loneliness. I've been complaining about isolation and loneliness for the last two months, since I moved again to solo (unless you count my cat. I should count my cat! I don't live alone). I realized today that I am not lonely because I do not have anyone. I am lonely because I have rejected any chance of interaction or aid. I am not independent - nobody should be. Society works interdependently, after all.
Today's progress: I have reached out to ten people and asked them if they wanted to hang out (mostly virtually bc of distance and COVID). I am keeping track of who I have asked and what we are doing in a spreadsheet. I am also writing down my events in my bullet journal so I can remember I have them.
Today's affirmations: I am wanted. I am not alone. I am wanted. I am not alone. I am wanted. I am not alone. I am wanted. I am not alone. I am wanted. I am not alone. I am wanted. I am not alone. I am wanted. I am not alone. I am wanted. I am not alone. I am wanted. I am not alone. I am wanted. I am not alone.