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From: v335ry46@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu (JAREK)
Date: 3 Mar 1997 03:38:12 GMT
Newsgroups: alt.fan.mst3k,alt.tv.mst3k,alt.startrek.creative,rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc
Subject: MSTed: Stephen Ratliff's "Falling Into Command". (1/6)
"I think i have plot, my ENGL 309 teach thinks at least FIC has plot,
same on charactor developement."
-- Stephen Ratliff, posted to rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc on Feb. 10, 1997
Stephen Ratliff's "Falling Into Command" was MSTed by:
Jarek Myszewski (V335RY46@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu) (editor)
Merritt Stone (howitzer@pixi.com)
Badger (badger@infinet.com)
Kevin Gowen (kgowen@efn.org)
Contributing writer: Carrie Dahlby (dahlby@augsburg.edu)
[Opening sequence][..1..][..2..][..3..][..4..][..5..][..6..]
[Bridge of the Satellite of Love. Mike is here, looking around with a confused
look on his face.]
MIKE: Crow! Where is that little... Oh, hi folks! Welcome to the Satellite of Love.
I was just looking for Crow, he's got some explaining to do about some magazines
I found in his room.... CROW!!! Where the heck did he get to.... [Looks up at
the ceiling] Computer! Location of Crow T. Robot?
MAGIC VOICE: Crow T. Robot is not on board the Satellite of Love.
MIKE: Okay, well that explains why... HUH?!?
[Tom Servo wanders in, whistling a tune.]
TOM SERVO: Oh, hi Mike!
MIKE: Tom, I don't suppose you know where Crow went?
TOM SERVO: Oh yeah! He said he was headed off to section G-14 on the outer hull.
Said he wanted to face the sun, lie back, soak up some rays and get a nice golden tan.
MIKE: Servo... Crow already IS a nice golden tan!
TOM SERVO: Well, you know, you *try* to tell him these things, but does he listen?
NooooOOOOooooooo...
MIKE: *Sigh* Well, we've gotta get him back here before...
[At this point a crash is heard. The lights dim briefly, the camera shakes and a
rotating light near the door turns on.]
MIKE: What was THAT?!
[Gypsy enters quickly]
GYPSY: Warning! Warning! We've been hit by a meteor! We've sustained minor
structural damage, and heat shields in section G-14 have failed! No one
is to go near that section until repairs are complete!
MIKE: G-14? What a coincidence! That's where Crow went to... GYPSY!!! Crow's in that
ection right now! On the outer hull!
GYPSY: Oh dear.
MIKE: Cambot, give me Rocket #9 and zoom in on section G-14!
[Exterior view. Crow is lying back on the hull of the ship wearing Hawaiian patterned
bathing trunks and sunglasses with a bottle of suntan lotion nearby. The lotion bottle,
the sunglasses and Crow are all visibly deforming in the heat.]
MIKE [offscreen]: Crow! You've gotta come back in, buddy! The heat shields have failed
and you're starting to melt! Come on!
[Crow moves his mouth as if to speak, but no words come out. He tries to sit up, but
his back stretches like taffy and he is pulled back to a lying position.]
TOM SERVO [offscreen]: No good, Mike! He's stuck to the hull!
MIKE [offscreen]: Hang on, Crow! I'm deploying the manipulator arms!
[The MANOS manipulator arms from MST3K: The Movie extend from the SOL. One hand is
carrying a spatula which scrapes Crow off the hull.]
[Bridge of the SOL.]
[Mike takes off the gloves that control the manipulator arms and rushes to the airlock
by the main doors. He opens the airlock.]
MIKE: Crow? Speak to me, buddy! Are you all right?
[With a guttural rasp and a hellish screech, Crow emerges from the airlock. He is
burned almost as black as his evil twin brother Timmy, his form is distorted from
its original shape, and melted plastic dangles like icicles from every part of him.
He looks like he spent too much time in a microwave oven. Gypsy gasps at the sight of him.]
TOM SERVO: My God... Mike, what happened to him?!?
MIKE: Crow's been turned into...
[Mike, Tom and Gypsy all turn towards the camera]
MIKE, TOM & GYPSY: ... THE INCREDIBLE MELTING BOT!!!
[The commercial sign light flashes as Tom screams because Crow has just leaped on top
of him with a hideous roar...]
[Commercials. Foreigny-looking people slowly back away from crazed teenagers who
appear to be under the influence of drug-laced breath mints.]
[Bridge of the SOL. Tom and Gypsy are trying to get to Crow, but Mike is standing
in the way with his arms stretched out as though to shield Crow from harm.]
TOM SERVO: Out of the way! Lemme at him!!!
GYPSY: He is evil! He must be *destroyed*!!!
[The Mads light flashes.]
MIKE: No! Don't hurt him! I'm Mike Nelson! I'M MIKE NELSON!!!
[Crow growls like an angry hellbeast as the scene changes to...]
[Deep 13]
[Dr. Forrester is watching the chaos on the SOL with amusement.]
DR. F: Hello Homeboys in Outer Space! Looks like your friend forgot his 2,000,000
unblock and had himself a *really* *bad* *day*! [Dr. F. chuckles evilly at this.]
Speaking of bad days, I think I'm going to have one of those myself after I break
he news to Mother. I'm just not sure how to tell her...
MRS. F [offscreen]: Tell me what, Clayton?
[Mrs. Forrester walks onscreen, places her hands on her hips and stares at Clayton
expectantly. Dr. F. braces himself.]
DR. F: *Sigh* All right... Mother, I don't think that what I'm doing right now is
orking out. I just feel like I've done everything possible to take over the
orld from down here and I'm not getting the results I've been looking for.
I need to try something new and different. So I've decided to
ove on to other challenges. Mother... I'm leaving Deep 13.
[Mrs. Forrester stares for a little while, shocked at the news.]
MRS. F: I see. So this is how you reward your faithful mother, hm? *This* is the
hanks I get for standing by you and supporting you all those years, helping
ou to be the best mad scientist you could be? Huh? May I remind you, Clayton
eborah-Susan Forrester, that without *me* you wouldn't even *be* here,
et alone have a successful career in a prestigious research lab? You owe
everything you are now to me, Clayton! And now you want to run off,
huck it all and abandon me??? I think that shows a real lack of consideration, Clayton!
DR. F: Now, Mother, try to understand....
MRS. F: Understand? Oh, I understand, all right! You've got some neurons misfiring in that
head of yours, and now you've turned against your poor, dear mother!
DR. F: Mother, that's just not true!
MRS. F: Well, that's my opinion! Are you telling me that my opinion is wrong? Let me tell
you something about the nature of opinions, young man! First of all, they're purely
subjective, so they can't be proven or disproven...
[SOL]
[Gypsy and Tom look on as Mike applies ointment to Crow. Crow isn't as burned and melted
as he was before, but he still shows signs of pain as Mike tends to him.]
MIKE: See guys? A little calamine lotion and he's good as new! I told you he wasn't evil!
CROW [Bill Corbett voice]: Ouch! Well, no more than I ever was before, anyway....
GYPSY: Crow, your voice sounds...
CROW [Bill Corbett voice]: ... different? Yeah, I guess it does. Must be some damage
to my voice synthesizer. Like I don't have enough going wrong today... OUCH!
Be careful on that spot, will ya?
MIKE: Sorry.
TOM SERVO: Crow, I *told* you it was dangerous out there! You almost ended up like
Frosty the Snowman in a sauna!
CROW [Bill Corbett voice]: Yeah, well, I've been melted down before, it's no big deal,
really... hey, what's got Pearl so worked up down there?
[Deep 13]
MRS. F [angrily]: ... so I think I've adequately proven that my opinions cannot be disproven!
DR. F: Is that your opinion, Mother?
MRS. F: Don't you *dare* backtalk to *me*, Clayton! I brought you into this world, and
I'll take you *out*! Who put these ideas into your head, Clayton?! Did some Sci-Fi
rep come along and give you info on a better deal? Did some comic book company tempt
you with a better offer? Clayton... has your dog been telling you what to do again?
DR. F [frustrated]: Mother... look, I haven't got time for this! I've got a job interview
to get to, and my taxi's waiting outside! And when I'm ruling the world without your
help, *I'LL* be laughing! Me! ME!!! Goodbye, Mother!
[Dr. Forrester stomps to the door, exits, starts to close the door, then leans his head back inside.]
DR. F: Oh, and one more thing... SHAVE YOUR MOUSTACHE!!!
[Dr. Forrester ducks back outside and slams the door behind him. Mrs. Forrester reaches
up to touch the area above her mouth briefly.]
MRS. F: OooooOOOOOHHHHH!!! That Clayton can be *so* aggravating! You know, you try to raise
them right, you try to make them as evil as you can, and what happens? They run off
and betray you! Who would have thought that... [looks at camera as though noticing
it for the first time] AAAAAaaaahhhh!!! How long have *you* been up there?!
Listening in and spying on a mother in turmoil? Well, I'll teach you to eavesdrop on *me*....
[SOL]
CROW: But... we didn't...
TOM SERVO: We weren't trying to...
MIKE: It's not like you think...
GYPSY: You don't think that we were...
[Deep 13]
MRS. F: ENOUGH!!! The only whining I want to hear out of you is your cries of agony as
you watch today's experiment! [Picks up a clipboard from control panel and looks
at it] I see my Clayton had a 28-hour Pauly Shore marathon scheduled for you, but
I'm not going to let you off *that* easily! Oh no! *You're* going to watch Stephen
Ratliff's latest literary triumph... it's called Falling Into Command but it feels more
like falling into a vat of live lobsters! Oh, and just so you know... Ratliff's
English professor gives this one two and a half stars! And just in case *that's*
not enough to bring you to your knees and beg me for mercy, I'm going to throw a
short at you too! Enjoy your pitiful lives while you still can, you peeping eyes in the sky!
[Mrs. Forrester stabs her finger down on the button.]
[SOL]
[Crow looks almost completely back to normal now.]
CROW [Bill Corbett voice]: I don't think she likes me anymore.
[Lights flash, buzzers buzz and pandemonium erupts.]
MIKE: Better get over it, Crow... 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT RATLIFF SIGN!!!
[..6..][..5..][..4..][..3..][..2..][..1..]
[Inside the theater]
TOM SERVO: Are you okay, Crow? You look a little stiff or something....
CROW: Yeah? Let's see how free and easy *you* move after getting massive third degree burns!
MIKE: C'mon, guys... save it for the fanfic.
[Mike and the bots sit down]
CROW: At least she's letting us warm up with a short before the pain REALLY hits....
>Path: acsu.buffalo.edu!news.acsu.buffalo.edu!news.clt.bellsouth.net!news.
> mem.bellsouth.net!hammer.uoregon.edu!zephyr.texoma.net!uunet!in3.uu.
> net!192.35.48.11!hearst.acc.Virginia.EDU!newslink.runet.edu!not-for-mail
TOM SERVO: Something about that path looks familiar... No! It CAN'T be!
>From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!
TOM SERVO: DAMN YOU, Mrs. Forrester! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!
CROW: Mike... you should have let me melt.
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW Dear Isabella I [G] (TNG) 1/1
>Date: 15 Feb 1997 22:01:06 GMT
>Organization: Radford University
>Lines: 57
>Message-ID: <5e5bn2$mss@newslink.runet.edu>
MIKE: Absolutely *no one* will be admitted during the spine-tingling message header scene.
>Title: Dear Isabella I
>Author: Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu)
>Series: TNG
>Rating: [G]
>Part: 1/1
>This is what I believe will be a series of Diary enteries set in my Marrissa Stories Series.
CROW: *groan* I hope this is an idea that doesn't catch on.
> I hope you enjoy these really shorts.
TOM SERVO: Stephen Ratliff: boldly going where no grammar-checker has gone before.
>Stephen
>_______________________________________________________________________
>| |
>| ________ |
>| \/ / D E A R / / / |
>| ___ / __ __ / __ / / __ |
>| / / /_ __/ /\ /_/ / / __/ |
>| \__/ __/ /_/ /_/ /__ / / /_/ * |
>| ' |
>|_____________________________________________________________________
>Dear Isabella,
CROW [as Clara]: I still want a real word processor. My cheesy ascii-art letters are
almost unreadable.
> I know you're not real, but sometimes I need someone to talk to.
MIKE [as Clara]: I've been pretty lonely since the new medication made the voices in
my head go away.
>Counselor Troi says that talking to you isn't bad unless it's done to excess. She
>says many officers use a personal log like I use you.
TOM SERVO: Personally, I'd like to use a log on Stephen Ratliff.
>I told her that my log has more personality.
CROW: But then again, that's what Margaret on _Twin Peaks_ used to say.
> She smiled and
MIKE [as Clara]: ... gave me a hard rubber puck to bite on as she gently placed the
electroshock apparatus on my temples.
> said that's certainly true.
> I like Counselor Troi.
CROW [as Clara]: She's the best court-appointed psychiatrist I've ever had.
> She's going me involved in many fun things.
TOM SERVO [as Clara]: Like having me look at funny ink blots on cards and then
letting me out of that room with mattress pads covering the walls if I've
been really good.
> I especially like the fantasy design class.
CROW [as Clara]: Thinking up new ways for Marrissa Picard to die in horrible agony sure is fun.
> The other people in my class don't seem to take the real world into account.
MIKE [as Clara]: Fortunately, the real world has never been one of my problems.
> Like Captain Scott
>said in my textbook,
TOM SERVO [as Scott]: Aye, Cap'n, I didna ken fgne ha scrmpah wha' hae, laddie!
> "You can't change the laws of physics." Troi
>says it's just for fun.
CROW [as Clara]: That's what they'll all think until Marrissa's face is shredded with a
thousand steel spikes from the exploding booby trap concealed in her grapefruit!
Bwa ha ha ha!
> I say you can still have fun without changing the universe.
MIKE: If Ratliff kept this in mind every time he wrote one of his damn fool Marrissa
stories, we'd all be a lot better off.
> Of course that's probably just my dad's influence, I'm
>his little Engineer.
TOM SERVO: And this whole Marrissa Universe is a train wreck.
> Go to go ... Counselor Troi wants me to go to
CROW [as Clara]: ... yet another group therapy session.
> a picnic and Dad's insisting
MIKE [as Clara]: ... that I be locked up again for my own protection.
> ____
> / |/ / Your Friend,
CROW: Mrs. Bates
MIKE: Dolores Claiborne
TOM SERVO: Lizzie Borden
> / / _ _
> | / / | /_ / |
> \___/ /\_/\/\/ /_/\/\/
>
CROW: This fanfic is just like Dr. Forrester: short and ugly!
[Commercials. Feminine hygiene products share the next two minutes and two seconds
with imported beer salesmen singing at the top of their lungs.]
[Continued in Part 2]
From: v335ry46@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu (JAREK)
Date: 3 Mar 1997 03:38:41 GMT
Newsgroups: alt.fan.mst3k,alt.tv.mst3k,alt.startrek.creative,rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc
Subject: MSTed: Stephen Ratliff's "Falling Into Command". (2/6)
>Star Trek The Next Generation
TOM SERVO: Or something vaguely resembling it.
>Falling Into Command
CROW: HELP!!! I've fallen into command AND I CAN'T GET UP!!!
MIKE: I wonder if Command cushions your fall....
>A Marrissa Story by Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu)
CROW: Stephen Ratliff... cranking out quality fanfics since 1993!
>Sequal to A New Generation
TOM SERVO: But some fanfics are more sequal than others.
MIKE: Spellchecker still not working, I see....
>This Story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either
>a product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to
>actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental
TOM SERVO: For which we're truly thankful.
>Star Trek is property of Paramount Pictures, a ViaCom company. The story is property
>of Stephen B. Ratliff, Copyright 1996.
CROW: Yeah, Ratliff's got a *big* problem with people wanting to plagiarize his work....
MIKE: Well, there was Generations 2 by Anne-Lise Pasch...
CROW: Thanks, Mike. I worked long and hard to forget that one....
>Notice (courtesy of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn)
>Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
TOM SERVO: Motive: to bring pain and loathing to the Internet.
> persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished;
MIKE: Moral: you don't need any actual talent to write a series of Star Trek fanfics.
>persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
CROW: Plot? In a RATLIFF story? You're kidding, right?
> By order of the Author.
>
>This story is dedicated to:
>
> My Uncle George Ohlin, who has a pool,
MIKE: ... and he doesn't throw me into it with 50 pound weights strapped to my ankles TOO often.
> and
> The Teachers of Cave Spring Elementry
CROW: Cuz thay lerned me to spel REEL GUUD.
> especially,
> Mrs. Wimmer, Kindergarden; Mrs. Price, Kindergarden; Mrs. Kilbane, 1st
>grade; Mrs. McCall, 2nd grade; Mrs. Carroll, 3rd grade; Mrs. Fullen, 4th grade; Mrs.
>Staley, 5th grade; and Mrs. Marchanko, Learning Disablities.
TOM SERVO: Try not to blame these people for the story you're about to read. I'm sure
they did their best....
> Prologue
MIKE: ... vs. anti-logue, this week on Crossfire!
TOM SERVO: Looks more like an Amateurlogue to me....
> Even with the early victory of then Captain Marrissa Picard,
CROW: Oh great... it's only the first line of the story, and already Marrissa the Wonder
Goddess has covered herself in glory! I'm hurting already....
> the war of Romulan Desolution did not begin well for the Federation.
TOM SERVO [as sports announcer]: But for Marrissa and her Federation, there would come... another day.
> The Romulan Cloaking device was the bane of the early days of the war.
MIKE: Sure, no reason for the Federation to break the Treaty of Algeron and make their
*own* fleet of cloaking ships, just because they're at *war* with the Romulans....
>Soon it would be countered, but early on it was deadly.
CROW: Later on they forgot to change the batteries.
> Successful Romulan strikes to the heart of the Federation drove fear into the hearts
>of it's population. The heroism and bravery of the new generation gave them hope, but
>until they fell into command, confidence wasn't to return.
MIKE: Yes, everyone in the Federation waits breathlessly in anticipation of being saved
by a group of pimply-faced adolescents.
TOM SERVO: And when they fell into command, the panic REALLY started!
> This is the story of the early days of the war of Romulan Desolution and how the
>new generation fell into command ...
MIKE: So is this the Next New Generation or the New Next Generation?
CROW: Maybe it's the Pepsi Generation.
TOM SERVO: And is Desolution better or worse than Dissolution?
> Chapter One
MIKE: Audience zero.
> "You're on my turf now." The phase echoed in Marrissa's mind. The Commander
>of the Romulan forces she was facing had said that when
TOM SERVO: ... he adjusted his leather jacket and waved his switchblade under her nose.
>Marrissa's fleet had arrived at the Romulan Starbase Five.
CROW: Located between Romulan Starbases Four and Six.
> It certainly looked like Admiral Saavik Jeric's turf.
MIKE: Savvy Jerk? Looks like Stephen had trouble making up a name again....
TOM SERVO: Wait a minute... isn't "Saavik" a Vulcan name?
MIKE: Tom, if Ratliff made movies, right now we'd be seeing a Vulcan starbase with the word
"Vulcan" crossed out and "Romulan" scrawled over it with a felt-tip pen.
> Marrissa's forty vessels were being harassed at every turn.
CROW: Lecherous old freighters kept trying to put their hands up under their skirts and
catch them under the mistletoe at the Christmas party. It was disgusting.
MIKE: And the Romulans kept ringing their doorbells and running away after tee-peeing
the warp nacelles.
> Her two fighter divisions were having better success, but not much. Attacking Romulan
>Starbases was not something that Marrissa had a lot of experience doing,
TOM SERVO: ... but when has that ever stopped her before?
> this was not her turf.
MIKE: Thank you. I think we've already established that this was Savvy Jerk's turf.
>
> "The Wellington reports the Romulans keep making runs on his upper forward shields,"
ALL: EWWWWWWW!!!
CROW: Too much Ex-lax!
>Commander Jay Gordon said from his seat next to Marrissa. "They're down to 20 percent."
TOM SERVO: When it hits 10, sell! And then buy pork bellies.
> "Tell your father to invert his ship," Marrissa replied.
> "Invert?" Jay inquired.
CROW: Geez, you're second-in-command, and you're stumped by a word like "invert"?
> "Turn it upside down," Rear Admiral Marrissa Picard answered. "It really makes no
>difference which way is up to us."
TOM SERVO: So in a way it's upside down already, so why the hell are you wasting your time with this?!
> "Aye, sir," her husband grinned and typed a response to the Wellington.
MIKE: Subspace radio was inoperative, so they had to make do with teletype.
> "In fact, conn, lets do that ourselves," Marrissa ordered.
>"Nothing like the unexpected to give your enemy pause."
CROW [as Romulan commander]: Oh my GOD! THEY'RE TURNING THEIR SHIPS UPSIDE DOWN!!!
*RUN FOR YOUR LIVES*!!!
> "Captain, I'm getting no response from the Wellington," Jay announced, worry
>evident in his voice.
MIKE [as Jay]: No response from the readers, either.
> "Put the Wellington on screen," Picard ordered.
> An Ambassador class starship appeared, a Romulan scout pealing away,
TOM SERVO: Peals of laughter erupt from the readers as Ratliff searches for a new proofreader....
> it's hull shaved across the bottom.
CROW [shocked]: Are they allowed to SHOW that?
> The Wellington had a gash across the top of her saucer, right down the middle.
MIKE: Now they had a racing stripe.
> The bridge was gone, and several decks below were open to space.
CROW: They're gonna need a lot of bondo!
TOM SERVO: That's what you get for putting your control center in such an exposed area...
might as well paint a bull's-eye on that thing!
> On the bridge of the Enterprise, Marrissa had a few words for it,
CROW [as Marrissa]: Oh well... better them than us!
>"Time to change the venue. Gather us together again. Kathy, have the fighters return.
>Alex, do we have a nebula nearby."
MIKE [as Alex Trebek]: Sorry, that wasn't presented as a question. How much did you wager?
TOM SERVO: Sure, go hide in a nebula... that plot device hasn't been abused NEARLY enough
in Trek stories yet!
> "Yes, at 170 mark twenty, distance 1.34 parsecs," the Klingon at
>Ops responded. "FGC-47."
> "Ah, Clara's friend's house," Marrissa remarked.
CROW: The whole nebula? That's one BIG house!
> Meanwhile in the Wellington's main engineering, things were about to improve.
MIKE: Storywise, they couldn't get much worse....
TOM SERVO: Maybe the Kid's Crew are all getting hauled off to daycare where they belong?
> Jacquelynn Christine Gordon was
CROW: ... about to break out the really good hash she scored on Rigel IV.
> the Kid's Crew Captain on the Wellington. Her father, the Captain, though a lot of her.
TOM SERVO: ... because his daughter always seemed to get the high-quality toot.
> During a battle she was posted in Main Engineering as a back up commander in
>event of a bridge failure.
MIKE: Never mind that all the senior engineers had four years at the Academy and years of
experience in the Fleet....
> Normal she would be second in line in Engineering for command,
CROW: Normal?
TOM SERVO: Maybe it's Abby Normal from Young Frankenstein....
MIKE [as game show contestant]: I'll take "Words That Look Out Of Place In A Ratliff Fanfic"
for $200, Alex.
> but the Chief Engineer had been injured as a result of a coolant leak.
MIKE: His attempts to make a matter-antimatter bong ending tragically...
> It didn't surprise Lynn, as she was called, when the computer announced.
>"Command transferred to Main Engineering, Jacquelynn Gordon now in command."
TOM SERVO: It doesn't surprise us either, I'm sorry to say....
> What it announced next, however made her stomach tie itself into knots. "Bridge
>and deck two destroyed, hull breach on decks 3,4, and 5."
CROW: Quick! Get the duct tape!
> Fortunately, Lynn was not one to dwell on the personal consequences of that
>statement once she got command, as both her mother and father were on that bridge.
TOM SERVO: Far be it from *any* Kid's Crew member to feel remorse over the deaths of others....
> "Send damage control teams to seal off the effected areas.
CROW [as Lynn]: We've got to seal up those plot holes before we lose our whole audience!
> Spick, helm is being transferred to your station.
TOM SERVO: Yo, Steve! What's with the racial slur?
MIKE [as Lynn]: Wop, take us to warp eight! Chink, damage report! Wetback, take evasive action!
>French, you have tactical.
CROW [as French]: Ah, oui, I have that thing....
> Computer change master status display to Main Viewscreen, forward view."
ALL [singing]: Fooooorward vieeeeew... *Fooooorward vieeeew*... Foooorwaaaard VIEEEEEW!...
FOOOOOORWAAAAAAARD VIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWW!!!
> Lynn Gordon shot off in rapid fire. Then noticing the shocked faces of the crew,
MIKE: ... as helpless engineers died under the withering hail of phaser fire.
> no her crew now, she continued. "You heard the Computer, I'm in command now.
TOM SERVO [as Lynn]: I'm the god! I'M THE GOD!!!
> Now snap to it."
ALL: [snap their fingers repeatedly]
CROW [as Lynn]: Do it, or no more milk and cookies after lunch for you!
> Immediately the crew snapped
MIKE: ... under the strain of being pushed around by a rugrat.
> to the bidding of their new adolescent commander. Some actually preferred to be
>under her command. Lynn was known to have a much more easy going style of command
>than her strict father.
CROW: She let the crew stay up late having pillow fights and watching subspace TV.
MIKE: Who needs discipline on a military vessel anyway?
> "Message from the Enterprise, Mrs. Gordon," a Engineer who had taken up the
>duties of Operations.
TOM SERVO: [imitates sound of an arrow hitting its target]
CROW [as Eric Idle]: Message for you, sir...
MIKE: So who's she married to? Jerry Lee Lewis?
> "What is it? and it's Lynn, I'm only twelve," the young acting-Captain replied.
MIKE: Yes, I'm your El Supremo Ruler of Everything... but call me Lynn, because I'm only twelve.
TOM SERVO: I think Junior Achievement has gone a bit too far this time....
> "They are requesting our status," he replied.
> "I'll respond," Lynn said. "Spick make us look dead.
CROW [as Spick]: Right. Hey everybody! Fall out of your chairs on count of three!
One... two...
MIKE [as Lynn]: And when you're done with that, make us sit up and beg.
> Wellington to Enterprise."
TOM SERVO [as Enterprise]: Sorry, we didn't order any beef over here.
> "Enterprise," her older brother Jay's voice came worried. "What happened Wellington?"
CROW [as Lynn]: Got caught in a Ratliff plot twist. Made a real mess.
> "The scout sheared off our bridge," Lynn replied. "Jacquelynn Gordon now in
>command. What are your orders?"
MIKE [as Jay]: We'll have 450 Quarter Pounders, 300 Big Macs, 750 fries...
> "Move up behind and below the Enterprise, Lynn," Jay responded.
> "We'll cover your bridge problem until you can
TOM SERVO [as Jay]: ... find a witch and build a new bridge out of her.
> rig some shielding there."
> "Actually Jay, I've got an idea," Lynn announced. "They're are quite a bit of
>ships between me and you. If you can chase one over here, I'll play dead until you arrive."
MIKE: And if anyone can understand how this paragraph makes any sense whatsoever,
please drop us a line. Thank you.
> There was a pause as Jay discussed Lynn's plan with his wife and commanding officer.
>Then he returned, "Agreed, we'll be over there in five minutes. Enterprise out."
CROW: It's so embarrassing when your wife makes you check with her before you can go anywhere....
> Chapter Two
ALL: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO!!!
TOM SERVO: Are we ever going to get tired of that joke?
MIKE: I doubt it....
> Captain Deanna Riker was enjoying her tour of Utopia Planate Ship Yards orbiting Mars.
TOM SERVO: Vast empty space and soulless equipment comforted her somehow.
MIKE [as John Cleese]: And now for something completely different...
> She was due to assume command of a starship sometime soon.
CROW: Even though she was over fourteen.
> She didn't know which, but felt comfortable in the knowledge that Star Fleet wouldn't
>give her anything she couldn't handle.
MIKE: Deanna always placed her faith in mindless bureaucracy.
> She suspected that she'd get either a Intrepid class or one of the new Farragut
>class transport ships.
CROW: Actually, she'd probably get the flagship of the HugeGut class, the USS
Montgomery Scott.
> One thing was for certain, she wasn't getting one of the ship's of the line.
>Only experienced Captains got Ambassador, Galaxy, Nebula, or Nova Class Starships.
TOM SERVO: Experienced captains or pushy, bratty twelve-year olds. Whichever.
> Of course that didn't stop her from coveting one of them,
MIKE: Now, now... thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's starship....
> as she overlooked the ship yard.
CROW [as Deanna]: Hmm... I could have sworn there was a shipyard here. Maybe I'm overlooking
something....
> There were a dozen Nebula Class starships, in various states of construction, close by.
MIKE: The construction workers stopped their two-hour long coffee break to shout lewd remarks at
Deanna as she passed by.
> A couple Sovereign Class starships where off to the right, the Kirk
CROW: ... which had a very fake-looking top covering, weighed far more than standard and
was hitting on a Nebula class ship.
> and the Harriman.
TOM SERVO: ... which wouldn't be ready for service until next Tuesday.
> Off to the left was a half
>a dozen Ambassador Class starships. Those where not what Deanna was looking at, no her
>eyes were on the biggest ship in the yard, the Nova Class starship Yorktown. Riker sighed.
CROW [as Deanna, excited]: Oh, what I wouldn't give to refuel with one of *those*....
> "Beautiful ship isn't she," a voice said from behind her.
MIKE [as Deanna]: YAAAHH!! Don't scare me like that!
> Deanna turned to greet the Commander of the yards, "Yes she is, Commander McIvery,"
>she said to the young red-head.
TOM SERVO [singing]: Ebony and McIvery...
> "Adrian, please," Commander McIvey said.
CROW [as Deanna]: Stop calling me Adrian!
MIKE: A kid'll eat McIvey too. Wouldn't you?
> "I despise ranks."
TOM SERVO: She joined Starfleet, but she hates ranks. Huh.
> The two stood a while looking out at the ivory skin of the nearly complete starship.
>The long warp engines were still off line, their lights dark, but otherwise the Yorktown
>stood proud, her lights bright, her registry dark on the white hull. NCC-80100 USS Yorktown.
MIKE: You realize this is Scotty's idea of a peep show!
> "Care for a tour of the Yorktown, Captain?" Adrian McIvery asked.
CROW [as Deanna]: That's the oldest pick-up line in the book, sir.
TOM SERVO [as McIvery]: Not much going on right now, we're just getting our butts handed to
us by the Romulans....
> "If it wouldn't be too much trouble," Deanna Riker accepted.
MIKE [as McIvery]: Actually, it will be. I was just asking to be polite.
> "No trouble at all," McIvery replied. "I have to do my weekly tour today anyway."
CROW [as McIvery]: So this plot point fits right into my busy schedule.
> "How much longer until she's commissioned," Troi-Riker asked,
TOM SERVO: Oh, NOW she gets the hyphenated name!
> as they walked to the shuttle bay of the
>Yard's Main Office.
> "A week from today," McIvery responded. "At least with the launch of this one,
>I knew the name a month before hand."
MIKE [as McIvery]: Yeah, after they named the last one the USS Barney The Dinosaur
I made the committee PROMISE they would let me know in advance....
> "Thank the Fleet Admiral's son Nicholas for that one," Riker said.
CROW: Great. This disease has spread to the upper echelons now.
TOM SERVO: Like the beetles from "Conspiracy".
>"He noticed that all the aircraft carrier's names that the old United States used
>in World War II were available.
MIKE [as McIvery]: The Americans had let the copyrights expire years ago.
TOM SERVO: I get the distinct feeling that Ratliff is a patriotic American who thinks
that everybody else in the world should be too.
> So he suggested the naming scheme for the class after the name Enterprise was
>chosen for the last, and you know how that naming commission likes schemes."
MIKE: So nobody over fourteen had any better ideas?
> "I know, we've just ran out of state names for the Ambassador class with the
>Hawaii set for commissioning in two weeks."
CROW: You want names?! I'll give you names! How about "Hopeless Drivel",
"Grotesque Plotting" and "Unbelievable Dialogue"?!?
TOM SERVO: Those must be from the new Fanfic class.
> The Enterprise and the other ships under Rear Admiral Marrissa Picard's command
>drifted silently in nebula FGC-47,
MIKE: So... how they dealt with the Romulans and got to the nebula remains a mystery, huh?
CROW: Too exciting for words, I guess...
> confident that the life forms inhabiting the cloud would leave them
>alone, for the most part.
MIKE: Because these life forms have taste.
TOM SERVO: After all, who wants to deal with Marrissa if they don't have to?
> In the Enterprise's observation lounge, Marrissa, Commander Jay Gordon, and
>Lieutenant Commander Clara Sutter were going over the status of the fleet.
CROW: Which pretty much resembled a box of Lincoln Logs scattered around a dog kennel
by a hyperactive five year old...
> Lieutenant Commander Clara Sutter-Rozhenko was reporting the engineering
>status of the fleet, a task which she worked as an intermediary for Marrissa. Commander
>Jay Gordon was sitting glum to his wife's right, going though the motions of duty.
MIKE: Which is pretty much what he did in private with his wife anyway...
> "We lost the Lionheart," Clara began with the worse. "The Gorkon's port nacelle is
>off-line, but Captain Dax reports that it should be back on line sometime later today.
TOM SERVO [as Clara]: In the meantime, with only one nacelle operational, the ship is going
round and round in a big circle.
> The Johnson is suffering from an intermittent loss
ALL: *snicker*
> of her port shields.
CROW: Oh.
MIKE: I could use a little port myself right now....
> The Clinton needs a new weapons fire control unit,
TOM SERVO [as Clara]: ... so go shake down some contributions from some corrupt Indonesian
bigwigs to pay for it.
CROW [as Clara]: The ship also has an annoying habit of suddenly veering to the right....
> temporary repairs expected to be completed tomorrow. And of course,
>the Wellington is lacking a bridge and deck two."
MIKE: If this list is "Worst First", shouldn't that last item be a little higher up?
> "What about our status, Clara?" Marrissa asked.
CROW [as Clara]: Some dickweed stuffed a Tickle Me Elmo doll into the plasma converter.
It's giving us no end of trouble.
> "Some minor repairs, a dozen of our fighters will require major work, and two dozen
>some minor work," Clara informed. "In general, if it isn't fixed by the end of the next
>shift, I'll be most dissatisfied with my crew."
TOM SERVO [as Clara]: Heads are gonna roll. Literally.
> "I'll bet," Marrissa smiled. "Jay, personnel situation?"
MIKE [as Jay]: We don't have any personnel. I lost them all in a poker game.
> "The Wellington has lost her command crew, my little sister Jacquelynn is in command
>at present," Jay droned. "We have most of the crew of the Lionheart, but the command crew
>went down with the ship."
CROW: Lucky devils.
> "Speaking of the Wellington, what happens to your younger siblings, now that your
>parents are gone?" Clara asked.
TOM SERVO [as Jay]: Oh, the usual Ratliff tomfoolery... they'll all kill a bunch of
Romulans and get promoted to the rank of Lord High Admiral or some such nonsense.
> Jay looked like he was about to cry. "Sorry if the subject bothers you."
MIKE [as Jay]: No, that's okay... I *love* being reminded of personal tragedy while
the Romulans are kicking our butts and I'm hiding out in a nebula haunted by
bizarre ethereal life forms!
> "I'm afraid Jacquelynn and Jeffery are going to be joining the ever increasing
>Captain's Quarters," Marrissa stated. "How I'm going to deal with the Jacqueline/lynn
>problem, I have no idea."
TOM SERVO: Her fleet's been trashed by the Romulans, and now Marrissa's worried about names.
That's what I call getting your priorities straight!
> "Easy, same way I do," Jay replied in a monotone.
MIKE [deep voice]: DO WHAT *I* DO....
> "Your sister is Jackie, mine is Lynn. That's the least of our worries."
CROW: Yeah, that clears that up. Now we're SO much less confused!
> "Yes, but it's nice to worry about something simple for a change," Marrissa replied.
MIKE: Hey, that's no way to talk about Jay's sister!
> "Now, you agree that we are going to have to send the Wellington back to a space dock."
TOM SERVO: Oh, like they're SO near one!
> "Agreed," Clara confirmed.
> "Jay, I'm appointing you acting Captain of the Wellington,"
>Marrissa ordered. "Tomorrow at 1200 hours, the Wellington, the Clinton, and the Undaunted
>will depart for Earth.
CROW [as Marrissa]: Ignore the Romulans when you leave.
MIKE: Meanwhile, the readers will depart for a better story. Those that can, anyway...
TOM SERVO: And Ratliff, as usual, is going nowhere.
> You'll have the coded dispatches and a new code sheet
CROW: What, no secret decoder ring?
>for delivery to Star Fleet Command for communicating with this fleet, and be in command of
>the detachment."
> "Are you sure that's wise, after all you are close ..." Jay began.
> "I've got two more months to go, Jay," Marrissa snapped.
MIKE: Oh, thank you so much for reminding me that she's pregnant, Ratliff. I didn't have
nearly enough repulsive thoughts in my head up to that point....
> "I expect you back in half that. The Hawaii will be joining our fleet soon. Hitch
>a ride back on her.
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: Have Ensign Ford Prefect give you a standard-issue Electronic Thumb.
> Now, go relieve your little sister
ALL: EWWWWWWW!!!
> and tell her that she and her
>little brother are expected on the Enterprise in an hour. Oh and have our Romulan Advisor
>report in here."
CROW [as Marrissa]: And send in anybody else who would have been really useful before that
battle we just had....
> "Aye, Aye, Mara," Jay replied, snapping to attention and exiting the room.
TOM SERVO: Well, I guess we know who wears the unflatteringly tight velour pants in THIS marriage!
> "Is he seeing Martin?" Clara asked, as the seemingly emotionless First Officer left the room.
MIKE [as Marrissa]: Yeah, that's why he keeps saying "WHASSUP?!?" all the time....
> "Yes, he's seeing our mischievous Ship's Counselor," Marrissa replied.
CROW [as Marrissa]: He's such a scamp!
> "Do you want to take bets on whether or not Martin will object to Jay commanding
>the Wellington?" Clara asked.
TOM SERVO: I want to take bets on whether or not the readers will object to this boring dialogue!
> "Object, he all ready has," Marrissa replied.
MIKE [as Clara]: Thanks for telling me, but my name's not Object.
> "I knew I was going to have to send
>the Wellington back as soon as I saw that bridge, or rather were the Wellington's bridge
>use to be
CROW [as commercial announcer]: If you're not completely satisfied with the structural
integrity of this ship, just send back the undestroyed portion for a full refund!
> and apparently Martin did as well."
> "He's been around you too long," Clara remarked.
TOM SERVO: Haven't we all?
> "That may be so, but he couldn't find me a workable alternative," Marrissa responded.
>"After all, you're out, because Doctor Johnson doesn't want you to budge from this ship.
>Alex is out because you'd kill me if I sent him."
ALL: Send him! Send him! Send him!
> "You better not send him any where," Clara grumbled.
> "Like I said, you'd kill me," Marrissa continued.
ALL: SEND HIM! SEND HIM! SEND HIM!
> "And Shayna just doesn't have enough command experience."
MIKE: Yeah, she's only been an officer since she was eight years old or so.
> "You left her in command of the bridge," Clara noted.
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: So THAT'S why we've been hearing explosions for the past half hour!
> Marrissa looked over to the bridge observation windows, pretending to check the statement.
>Lieutenant Shayna Sachs' head was visable in the command chair, the rest of her body being
>hid by the chair.
CROW: Thanks Ratliff! Never would have guessed where the rest of her body could've been....
> "So I did. Imagine that," Marrissa replied.
MIKE [singing]: Imagine there's no Ratliff... It's easy if you try....
> Clara smiled as the port side door opened reveling the First Fleet's Romulan advisor.
TOM SERVO [as game show announcer]: It's your NEW ROMULAN ADVISOR!
MIKE & CROW: [applause noises]
> She was wearing a civilian tunic of light blue with darker
>blue highlights. Her blond hair came down to her shoulders, held in place with a beret,
>and still cut in a severe bang. "Sela Yarr reporting as ordered, sir."
MIKE [as Sela]: And I still have too many R's in my name.
> "Come sit down, Sela," Marrissa requested. "How are the elvan sprits today?"
TOM SERVO [as Sela]: Oh, the wooden ship poles are just fine, thanks for asking.
> She used the ship's crew's pet name for Sela's three daughters. Their long blond hair
>and pointed ears had led to the nickname. None of them where objecting.
CROW: Because they were planning sweet, sweet revenge in secret.
> "My daughters are driving me nuts as usual," Sela sighed.
TOM SERVO: We hear you, Sela. Ratliff's kids have been having the same effect on us!
> "You wouldn't care to have Jackie invite them over? It would be good practice."
MIKE: She's always wanted to practice on moving targets....
> Sela's now thirteen year old triplets were very bored on the Enterprise,
>as they were confined to quarters when the Enterprise was at red or yellow alert.
CROW: Thirteen? Heck, they're old enough to be admirals here!
> As the Enterprise had been at that state for the past three days, they jumped
>at the entrance of someone new and proceeded to annoy the hell out of them.
MIKE: So they fit right in with the rest of the crew.
> "No thank you, I'm sure Jay's siblings will be enough," Marrissa stated.
>"We really should do something about the Enterprise's sudden increase in children."
TOM SERVO: How about contraception?
CROW: I've got a Modest Proposal....
> "What about a kid's crew?" Clara asked.
[stunned silence]
CROW: Oh, dear God, NO!!!
> Marrissa stared at Clara, and then broke out laughing.
MIKE [as Marrissa]: That's the most *RIDICULOUS* thing I *ever* heard! Staff a
starship with a bunch of kids?! What kind of idiot would do something
like THAT? Hey, wait a minute....
> "Why didn't I think of that?" Marrissa asked.
TOM SERVO: Because it's too evil, even for you?
CROW: Hey, look at the bright side... now Marrissa will get a chance to find out
what it's like to be outranked and bossed around by pre-teens!
> "Too close to the problem," Sela remarked.
MIKE: Too CLOSE?! She *IS* the problem!
> "That might be it," Marrissa said. "Now lets see if we can figure out what
>our opponent is trying to do."
CROW: Now this is just a stab in the dark, but I think they're trying to win the war.
> Two dozen Lieutenant Commanders, Five dozen Lieutenants, and several score
>of additional personnel
TOM SERVO [singing]: ... and a partridge in a pear tree!
> were waiting at the Star Fleet Museum orbiting
>Uranus for a pick up.
MIKE [as Butthead]: Uhhuhuhuhuh... you said "Uranus".
CROW: Hey, Servo! Is there a ring around Uranus? [snicker]
TOM SERVO: CROW!!! Mike, he's doing it again!
MIKE: All right, knock it off, Crow.
> They had been there for a day, and were getting bored. Why Star Fleet had
>told them to wait there was beyond them. After all, who would pick up personnel
>at a museum, and who would need 400 people?
CROW: We don't know, but since it's Stephen "Lousy Plots R Us" Ratliff running
the show, you can guess the reason will be pretty lame.
TOM SERVO: [edges over to Mike] Speaking of needing a pickup, Mike...
MIKE: [picks up Tom] No problem, partner. Let's get out of here....
[They all exit the theater]
[..1..][..2..][..3..][..4..][..5..][..6..]
[The bridge of the SOL is simply littered with baby dolls of various sizes, all dressed
in Starfleet uniforms and diapers. Mike and Crow are running around, shouting out orders.]
MIKE: Timmy! I want that antimatter fixed by 1600, or you'll go to bed without supper!
CROW: And where do you think you're going, Lieutenant Angela? Can't you see that
repairing the shields and plotting a new course to that nebula is more
important than a little thing like a soiled diaper? Huh? Well, you
should have gone before we left!
[Mike and Crow continue to bark out commands, while the dolls (at least, those so designed)
start to cry.]
CROW: Crying? CRYING?! You can't cry! There's no crying in Starfleet!
MIKE: You wanted to be treated like adults; you ACT like adults!
CROW: When the Romulans attack, are you just going to cry? Let me tell you something,
the Romulans don't CARE about your personal problems!
MIKE: YOU! You sniveling maggot! Drop and give me TWENTY! No? NO??? Well, you just
bought yourself FIFTY, little mister!
CROW: Straighten up RIGHT NOW or you'll go straight to your room withOUT any Kobayashi
Maru practice!
[Tom suddenly pops out in the extreme foreground, right in front of Cambot. Commercial sign lights start blinking.]
TOM SERVO: Think about it, won't you?
[Commercials. James Garner speaks out for Nicotrol while wearing a sweater that hides
the patches covering every inch of his arms and torso.]
[Continued in Part 3]
From: v335ry46@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu (JAREK)
Date: 3 Mar 1997 03:39:00 GMT
Newsgroups: alt.fan.mst3k,alt.tv.mst3k,alt.startrek.creative,rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc
Subject: MSTed: Stephen Ratliff's "Falling Into Command". (3/6)
> Chapter Three
TOM SERVO: Picard, Kirk and Janeway. The Holy Trinity.
MIKE: That was an interesting image....
> Jean-Luc Picard, Commanding Admiral, Star Fleet, was buried in paper work.
MIKE: It was a really strange funeral, but the burial provisions in his will were very specific....
> Form after form after form crossed his desk, all demanding he do something,
CROW: Like take a long walk off a short spacedock.
> know something,
MIKE [as Picard]: I never had to know anything to do this job before!
> or acquire something.
TOM SERVO: Preferably a fatal virus.
> He hadn't appreciated his Chief of Staff, Sibek, until he had to go without for a
>couple days ... Why did he pick now to go into pon-farr?
MIKE: Well, when you haven't had it in seven years...
CROW [as Val Kilmer]: This? This is a Vulcan. This is what happens when a humanoid
gets too emotionally cold. This? This is Pon farr. This is what happens when
a Vulcan gets too sexually frustrated.
> His nine year old son, Nicholas took in the view of his father shuffling PADDs.
TOM SERVO [as Picard]: All right, son, watch the red PADD, keep your eye on the red PADD....
It looked like his father would never get done. It was already two hours past supertime,
MIKE: Must be the time slot for Lois and Clark...
> and it didn't look like his father was planning on leaving anytime soon.
CROW: Picard relied upon work to keep distance between him and his family....
> Since his mother was out commanding the Pasteur under his sister Marrissa's
>command, and Jackie was serving as Computer Security Officer on Marrissa's ship,
TOM SERVO: Wow... those two must have been REALLY desperate to leave the house!
> Nick and his father were living in 'bachelor quarters' on the edge of San Francisco Bay.
CROW: 'Cause they are two...
MIKE & CROW: Wild and Crazy Guys!
> Unfortunately, the replicator wasn't hooked up yet.
TOM SERVO [as Kirk]: Let me guess... Tuesday.
> "Are you planning on coming home soon, or should I eat over at the Academy," Nick
>asked, as his father shuffled PADDs
MIKE [as Nick]: Or maybe go take over a starship and kick some ass?
> "You stay away from the Academy, I don't need another Jackie,"
TOM SERVO [as Picard]: Did I ask your mother to have a baby?
> his father mumbled, making some notations on one report.
CROW [as Picard, making notations]: B+. Show your work next time.
> Nick was use to this refrain, and it didn't bother him.
MIKE: The chorus, on the other hand, really got on his nerves.
> It recalled the way his sister Jackie had gotten into Star Fleet very early.
TOM SERVO: She cheated.
> She had sat in on classes at the Academy from age five onward, then when
>opportunity arose,
MIKE: ... Starfleet Academy gave her seat to someone who was SUPPOSED to be there.
> got herself an commission by helping with Star Fleet Computer Security.
>He had no intention on joining Star Fleet like his older siblings.
CROW: He was going to get out of this badly written fanfic the first chance he got.
> Command didn't interest him, space was nothing special, and he'd rather be
>out working in the vineyard.
TOM SERVO: ... where he could snitch a bottle of wine every now and then.
> But, Nick did want to eat sometime tonight. "Then I guess, you'll have
>to come home," Nick replied. "Someone has to cook dinner, and I can't cook."
MIKE [as Picard]: Your sister took classes at the Academy when she was FIVE, young man!
You're nine years old, and you can't even operate a *stove*? What the hell good
*are* you?!
> "What time is it?" Jean-Luc inquired, looking up. Then he saw the clock. "2000
>hours! you should have called earlier."
CROW [as Picard]: I've been here for 83 straight days!
> As his father got up and walked around his desk to join Nick, he replied,
>"I tried, but you wouldn't answer, and the new security guy wouldn't let me in.
>I had to use one of Jackie's programs to get in."
TOM SERVO [as Nick]: Oh, and I accidentally erased your bank account while I was
doing it. Sorry.
> "You're on the visitor's list," Jean-Luc Picard replied. "Why didn't they let you in?"
CROW [as Nick]: Beats me. By the way, I wanted to show you this neat bomb I found....
> "Something about regulations involving children," Nick replied. "I didn't catch it all."
MIKE: Probably the same regulations that are supposed to keep kids off the bridge...
> "Where should I transfer him?" Jean-Luc asked, beginning a game.
TOM SERVO: Out of this story?
MIKE: No, that would be a reward.
> "We've got a war going on, how about the front line?" Nick replied, as they
>entered the turbolift.
TOM SERVO: Wow... talk about vicious!
CROW: Probably gets it from his big sister Marrissa.
> "Lobby. No, that would mean putting him under your sister Marrissa's command,
>and I don't think she'd appreciate that,"
MIKE: Besides, NO ONE deserves THAT kind of punishment!
> his father remarked, shooting that
>down as the turbolift decended. They exited the turbolift into the front lobby.
> "You're right, what about the Cardassian border?" Nick responded.
>He and his father had played this game since he was five,
CROW: They've made fun of the same guy for FOUR YEARS?
> started with simple suggestions, then suggesting more
>and more outrageous postings
MIKE: Like the story we're reading right now.
>until they couldn't think of any more, and concluded that the officer in question
>should stay where they were. "There is an opening on Deep Space Nine."
TOM SERVO: Well, get somebody to close it, quick!
> "Under Vice Admiral Sisko? I don't think he'd like that," Picard responded,
>as they exited the building. Rear Admiral Will Riker was on his way in. "Good
>evening, Will."
MIKE [as Will]: Good to see you, sir. And how are your precocious little prodigies today?
> "Admiral, on your way out I see," the long time number one replied.
CROW [as Picard]: Yeah, the downsizing finally got to me.
> "Nick finally called me to dinner," Jean-Luc Picard responded. "And you?"
> "Captain La Forge had some problems with some people in supply, I told him I'd see
>to it," Riker replied.
TOM SERVO [as Will]: Because I don't have a real job.
> "Carry on then Will, I expect to see you at the Vineyard next Sunday," Jean-Luc responded.
> "I'll be there," Riker responded.
MIKE [as Will]: And I'll help you kill some of that extra yield, if you know what I mean,
and I think you do....
CROW: Wherever there's booze to be had, he'll be there!
> "Now where were we?" Jean-Luc Picard asked his son.
TOM SERVO: Playing some goofy game, if memory serves...
> "I was just about to suggest Jelico's World,
CROW: Is that where they keep the Jelico cats?
> there is an opening at the prison," Nick grinned,
>as they entered the air tram to their home.
> "Interesting, but I think the gravity might be a problem," his father replied. "1.5 G
>is a little much for someone use to Earth."
MIKE: Okay! The joke has gone FAR ENOUGH, thank you very much!
> "Then there is the lunar base of Devadia XX," Nick suggested, as the train suddenly
>shuddered to a halt, and its power went out.
TOM SERVO: Looks like Riker tried to use the escalator again....
> "What the Hell?" Jean-Luc Picard exclaimed, as he looked out the window. The tram's
>port side was facing towards Star Fleet Head Quarters. As the Commanding Admiral Starfleet
>watched, green beams of phaser fire shot down from the sky, obliterating it.
ALL: [start speaking simultaneously for a while]
MIKE: Hold it! HOLD IT!!! We'll never get our riffs in if we're all talking at once!
Rapidfire mode on my mark... ready? GO!!!
TOM SERVO: Looks like Tim McVeigh finally finished serving his sentence....
CROW: Finally! An end to that stupid dialogue!
MIKE: Vogon Constructor ships! RUN!!!
CROW [as Nick]: Sorry, Dad. A transfer might not have taught that guard a lesson. This
was the only way to be sure.
TOM SERVO [as Picard]: Damn! That's the third time this week!
MIKE: I'll give you ten to one that one of Riker's ex-girlfriends is manning the phaser
batteries up there....
CROW [as orbiting ship commander]: Hey! That was *easy*! Why didn't we think of this before?
TOM SERVO [as John Cleese]: And now the Romulan Women's Guild will re-enact the Battle of Pearl
Harbor....
MIKE [as Nick]: Dad, quick! Get the marshmallows!
> Panic shot though the tram, as people sought an exit, afraid the tram would be next.
>In the confusion, the Admiral lost his footing and was trampled.
TOM SERVO: Yup, that's our Jean-Luc... first his daughter walks all over him, and now this!
> His son, seeing his father
>go down, pressed himself up against the wall, allowing the panicked passengers to exit,
>jumping or being pushed out the port and starboard doors.
CROW: It was just like that Who concert in Cincinnati.
> Meanwhile up in orbit, three score
MIKE: ... and twenty years ago...
> warbirds had decloaked, first firing at set
>targets on earth; Star Fleet Command, San Francisco; UFP Congress Building, New York;
>Star Fleet Engineering Head Quarters, Riyadh; Federation Trade Center, Tokyo.
TOM SERVO: Suddenly it's Independence Day....
CROW: No, that movie had some exciting parts.
> The only major center of Federation Operation
>on Earth left alone was the new Star Fleet Medical Center in a small city in the
>Appalachian Mountains.
MIKE: Because the Romulans knew that they'd REALLY be in trouble if they blew up a hospital...
> Earth was not undefended,
TOM SERVO: Could have fooled me!
> satellite defenses lit up the Romulan shields, and the Second Fleet was in
>orbit, firing as well. Normally Admiral Riker would command the fleet, but he
>was unreachable, probably dead, so Captain Geordi La Forge of the USS Nova was in command.
CROW [as La Forge]: It's been six whole seconds since we've heard from Admiral Riker,
so *I'M* in charge now!
> He bore down on the Romulans hard, forcing them to back away from Earth.
MIKE: In fact, he bored them almost as much as Ratliff's "where do we transfer the guard?" joke did.
CROW: Which one is worse, guys... Ratliff's dialogue or a Ratliff battle scene?
TOM SERVO: Ouch. That's a tough one.
> Earth wasn't the only place in the Terran System under attack by the Romulan
>Fleet, a dozen warbirds were heading toward Mars and Utopia Planate Ship Yards.
MIKE: Decloaked, apparently, because the Romulans knew that Commander McIvery hated surprises.
> Commander McIvery activated all the workable ships in the yard, giving the senior
>most officer aboard command. She was on board the newest Nova Class, the Yorktown, but
>not in command. "Captain Riker, she's all yours," Adrain McIvery informed Deanna Riker.
TOM SERVO: No! Amazing! I never saw this coming!
>Commander McIvery didn't technically have the authority to place the ships she was in
charge of building into service, but in a pinch like this, who was going to argue with her?
MIKE: Rush Limbaugh.
CROW: Oh, and Andy Rooney. He'll argue about anything.
> Even with the 40 ships in the Second Fleet, and the dozen and a half more that
>Utopia had brought in, Star Fleet was still out numbered, 58 to 72.
TOM SERVO [as sports announcer]: It was late in the third quarter, and the Federation
was having trouble with fouls....
> The battle raged.
CROW: Stuff happened. Hair grew.
> Star Fleet had the advantage of being on their home turf, the Romulans the
>advantage of numbers.
MIKE: They had all the primes and every whole number greater than pi on their side.
> On the Martian front,
CROW: ... Starfleet was getting its butt kicked by Marvin's Illudium Pu-36 Explosive Space Modulator.
MIKE [as Marvin the Martian]: Where's the KABOOM?!?
> things were going well. It was 3 to 2, Star Fleet,
TOM SERVO [as sports announcer]: ... bottom of the sixth, two out, no runners on.
> and none of the vessels that McIvery had activated heard the refrain of the
>Enterprise-B, "Not until Tuesday."
MIKE: Because THEIR vital equipment wasn't arriving until next Wednesday.
> The Nova class Starship Yorktown, a week short of
>commissioning, lead the way, pushing Romulans aside. It's phasers leaping out like
>a lion tamer's whip, the warbirds jumping back like the lion stung.
CROW: But some of the warbirds thought the whip was a real turn-on....
> The Hawaii swung around the rear of the advancing Romulans.
MIKE: Then she started swinging her rear around in a hula dance!
> She played with the famous Picard Maneuver, leaping from place to place, stinging
>the rears of the warbirds with volleys of photon torpedoes and phaser fire.
TOM SERVO: If this works so well, you'd think EVERYONE would be doing it by now....
> The moons of Mars, bristling with phaser and photon torpedo emplacements,
>shot out, daring the Romulans to come closer.
CROW [as moon]: C'mon, you want a piece of this? Get over here, I dare ya!
> Back orbiting Earth, the odds were reversed. Captain La Forge and the Second Fleet
>were fighting a tough battle,
MIKE: But it looked like both would succumb to male-pattern baldness.
> already he had lost an Intrepid Class starship who had gotten
>caught in the crossfire of two
TOM SERVO: ... mean critics.
>Romulan vessels. True he had the support of the Moon, satellite defenses and Star
>Base One. But the satellite defenses had been thinned by the Romulan attack, and
>La Forge had a whole planet to protect.
CROW: I bet Nicholas is busy developing a brilliant strategy right now.
> Captain Geordi La Forge had little experience in defending.
TOM SERVO: He played center most of the time.
> He had spent most of
>his career
MIKE: ... engaged in dubious engineering experiments and striking out with women.
> as an Engineer on an exploratory vessel. Command to him was a
>recent change, he'd only been in the center seat for a little over a year,
CROW: And his legs had atrophied from sitting all that time....
> but the ship's commanders around him pushed him into the lead. Something about the
> mile long starship said, 'I command here.'
TOM SERVO: It was on a bumper sticker across the front of the ship.
> And command it did,
CROW [in a seductive falsetto]: Ooooohhhh, command me!
> its phasers sent its targets retreating as La Forge
>pushed the Warbirds further from Earth. But that wasn't enough. The Nova and his two
>Ambassador class ships, the Virginia and the Ohio, where pushing them back.
TOM SERVO [as cheerleader]: PUSH 'em back! PUSH 'em back! Sis-boom-BAH!
> His ten Excelsiors where holding their own,
CROW: *ahem*
MIKE: Let it go, Crow.
> but the rest where not,
CROW: They didn't want to grow hair and go blind.
MIKE: Crow, I'm warning you....
> and La Forge knew that unless something changed, he'd be loosing them.
MIKE: I'll be "loosing" my lunch if this story doesn't change....
> Away from it all, in the Star Fleet Museum, the two dozen Lieutenant Commanders
>had noticed the battle.
TOM SERVO [as Lieutenant Commanders]: Hey, is that us getting our butts kicked out there?
> They wished they were inside the system, in the battle, gaining glory, instead
>of waiting here, away from it all.
CROW: Getting the chance to spend their last few seconds of life sucking vacuum and
superheated plasma...
> Chapter Four
MIKE: ... on the floor.
> The Terran system was chaos, as the Romulans attacked.
TOM SERVO: There was a big sale on at J. C. Penney's!
> They pushed in again towards
>Earth, only the Nova, the Virginia, and the Ohio able to push them back.
MIKE: The New Jersey and the New York were out of the fight because their environmental
systems had broken down.
CROW: And the toilets kept backing up on the Louisiana.
> Around Mars, they were in trouble.
TOM SERVO: The Martians' disintegrators were hitting them hard, and none of the warbirds
had any Slim Whitman albums on board.
> The Yorktown and her unfinished cohorts nipping at their heels.
MIKE: What about them?
> But the Romulans
>were winning.
> Out orbiting Uranus
CROW: Hey Tom! Is Uranus...
TOM SERVO: MIKE!!! Make him *stop*!
> was the Star Fleet Museum. It contained many exhibits, the first
>hand phaser, the original Enterprise command chair, Captain Sulu's sword, and Admiral
>Jean-Luc Picard's Klingon dagger.
MIKE: Along with Sisko's hair cream, Kirk's little black book on CD-ROM, Scotty's
collection of liquor bottles...
CROW: This is what happens when you let Trekkies design a museum....
>But more importantly, it contained a dozen Starships, restored to the condition in
>witch they where launched (except for the Enterprise-B, she was ready this time).
TOM SERVO: Ha. Ha ha.
Three Enterprises (A, B, and C), the Miranda, the Obeth, the Constellation, the
Constitution and many more were kept in readiness. Now for the first time in years,
decades for some, they were headed into action.
MIKE: Oh, suuuuuuuuure they'd keep functional military hardware on display in a museum.
They keep working models of atomic bombs on public display too, right?
> The officers waiting at the Museum had gotten restless, and did not want to stand
>by and let Earth be taken.
CROW [as officers]: NO!!! Not Earth! That's where I keep all my STUFF!!!
> So they manned the museum pieces, and headed into battle.
ALL: [burst into laughter]
TOM SERVO [as Ratliff]: Just go with me on this one, folks....
>If they were damaged or destroyed in battle, it wouldn't matter. When Earth is under
>attack, it was freedom that mattered.
MIKE: [starts humming "America The Beautiful"]
> Back on Earth, Nicholas Picard surveyed what had been left behind when the
>passengers had abandoned the air tram.
CROW [as Nick]: Excuse me, Mr. Tram? If the election was being held today, which
candidate would you vote for?
> The tram was a mess, papers and containers torn and flung around
>the cabin. His father lay on the floor, a nasty gash on his forehead, the result of
>someone's shoe, and breathing shallowly.
TOM SERVO [as Picard, softly]: Damn Shriner's convention...
> Nick rushed to his father's side.
CROW: Nick heard ribs crack as he slipped on the bloody floor and fell on top of the
elder Picard....
> He checked for a pulse
>and found a shallow one.
MIKE: Then he checked for a story and also found a shallow one.
> Using his shirt, he bound his father's head wound.
TOM SERVO: Just to be on the safe side, he also applied a tourniquet to his father's neck.
> His father appeared to be unconscience
CROW [as Nick]: Oh my God... Dad needs a moral code, and fast!
> and had lost allot of blood. His communicator was on the floor beside him,
>surprisingly in good condition.
MIKE: So he took the admiral's communicator and wallet and fled the scene.
> Nicholas opened a channel, "Picard to Medical Personnel, one injury, head
>wound, loss of blood probable concussion, possible broken ribs. Need immediate
>medical attention."
CROW [as Nick]: Looks like another Code... um... what's the code for a Ratliff plot
contrivance again?
TOM SERVO: All of a sudden Ratliff thinks this kid is Randolph Mantooth.
> From the communicator, a kind woman's voice came out, "Is the patient safe for transport?"
MIKE [as kind-voiced woman]: And is his insurance paid up?
> "I think so," Nicholas responded.
CROW [as Nick]: Oh, and I heard crackling noises coming from his spine when I tried to
move him to a more comfortable position. Is that bad?
> "Beaming you to Star Fleet Medical now."
TOM SERVO [as kind-voiced woman]: Prepare for a tingly feeling and special effects that
change in every movie....
> Meanwhile light years from Earth
MIKE: ... nobody gave a crap about Ratliff's silly-ass war!
> on the Wellington, Jay Gordon, acting Captain,
>was drawn out of his brooding over the loss of his parents by a urgent message from
>his tactical officer.
TOM SERVO [as tactical officer]: Boo hoo, sir, you think you're the only one who has problems?!
> "Sir, message from the Second Fleet," she said. "Earth is under attack, all assistance
>requested, Captain La Forge, USS Nova."
CROW [as tactical officer]: P.S. HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPP!!!
> Jay may have been in a depression, letting the ship go by, but once he knew a crisis
>was at hand, he moved smoothly into his command mode. "Increase speed to maximum, go to
>red alert. Ready all weapons."
MIKE [as Jay]: Tell the Romulans we're on our way to help them. No, wait...
> No longer occupied musing over might have beens and things he wished he had said to his parents,
TOM SERVO: Such as "Why do I look so much like Admiral Riker?"
> Jay was now wondering what was happening in the Terran System.
CROW: So why doesn't he get on subspace radio and find out?
MIKE: He was pretty sure that the Earth was being defended by something better than
unfinished ships and museum pieces, though....
> Jay Gordon wasn't the only one heading toward Earth. Vice Admiral Sisko on the
>Defiant, and Captain Washington on the Stargazer were on coarse as well.
MIKE: 'Cause they like it rrrrrrough!
TOM SERVO: Thanks for bringing back THAT image, Mike.... [shudder]
> Sisko was the one who had requested the people at the museum.
CROW: Ah, another great mystery solved by Stephen Ratliff, the master of suspense!
MIKE: Sisko hoped the Romulans would waste their energy blowing those guys out of space
so his ass would be safe....
> Washington was to command the Yorktown. The Earth's distress had been heard,
>and they were responding.
TOM SERVO: Mostly with "I told you so"'s, and neener-neener-neeners.
> Soon the Wellington, and its counterparts, the Clinton and the Undaunted,
MIKE: I did an AltaVista search on "Clinton" AND "Undaunted" and didn't find anything....
> were coming out of warp near Earth. Jay's view screen down in Engineering
>showed a curious thing.
CROW: He was watching the Klingon porn channel on his DSS.
> Romulan Warbirds attacking Earth with their tails
TOM SERVO: ... which didn't work nearly as well as phasers would.
> being nipped by antique starships. Then in the midst of the battle the
>Defiant decloaked and opened fire.
CROW: ... accidentally blowing the Wellington into a million pieces and ending the fanfic.
MIKE: Nice try, Crow.
> From behind the Moon, the Stargazer rose,
TOM SERVO: ... from the dead.
> a halo of fighters surrounding her. From Mars, several
>incomplete starships came forth, phasers firing. As Jay's forces joined the fray,
>the tide of battle turned to Star Fleet's favor.
MIKE: Just take Ratliff's word for it....
> Here on their home turf, where almost every Star Fleet Officer had been
>taught, they now had the upper hand.
CROW: But the upper hand was now on the other foot.
> As warbird after warbird colapsed
>under the pressure of the Star Fleet defenders, some tried to flee, forgetting
>for the moment, that their shields had to drop before cloaking.
TOM SERVO [as Romulan crewman]: Oh, GOOD one, sir...
CROW: Why don't they LOOK?
> They would never forget that again.
MIKE: Because they were all going to tie strings around their fingers to help them remember.
> As the last warbird departed from existence,
TOM SERVO: ... for a well-earned vacation in Limbo.
> however, a dire message came
>from the Nova, "Captain La Forge injured, who takes command?"
CROW: Oh, any random teenager.
> Captain Jay Gordon, Marrissa's able second from the first fleet, asked,
>"Who commands your ship?" in a general hail.
TOM SERVO [as Minnewegian]: Oh, I hate that general hail, dontcha know.
MIKE [as Minnewegian]: Oh cripes, I know, it makes such a noise on the roof, you betcha.
> In response, the first fleet
>replied with the name of Commander after Commander. Not a single Captain was in
>command on any of the surviving 34 vessels in the Second Fleet.
CROW: Oh, I am SO shocked....
> From the ships coming from Utopia, only Captain Deanna Riker replied.
>At that Admiral Sisko hailed all.
TOM SERVO [as Sisko]: Hi guys! Whatcha up to?
> "Vice Admiral Benjamin Sisko, USS Defiant," he said confidently.
MIKE: It really takes a special man to be so confident about his name....
>"I'd take command, but I'm afraid
TOM SERVO [as Sisko]: ... that the author won't allow it.
> my stop here is temporary. As soon as those Commanders
>who stole the starships from the museum return them, I have to take them somewhere."
CROW [as Sisko]: We're late for the kegger at Deep Space Nine.
MIKE [as Sisko]: I know the Earth just got its butt kicked, but I've got more important
things to worry about!
> "Understood, Admiral," Jay and Deanna responded in unison.
> "Captain Gordon, you serve as the First Fleet's Executive Officer, correct?" Sisko asked.
> "As well as the Enterprise's first," Jay confirmed.
MIKE [as Jay]: I'm also Marrissa's main squeeze and the Dark Lord of Depression. You?
> "Then I suggest, you take command until the mess on Earth is sorted out," Sisko
>responded. "Defiant out."
TOM SERVO: It's not so much a chain of command... more like an unraveled string.
> "Mister Wallace,
CROW: ... your investigative report goes on the air in 60 minutes.
> inform all ships that I am assuming temporary command of the
>ships in the Terran System," Captain Jay Gordon ordered.
MIKE: Meanwhile, Ratliff will do everything in his power to make it permanent.
>"Inform Captain Troi that I will be beaming aboard the Yorktown. Find out who is
>in control on Earth, and let me know."
TOM SERVO [as Wallace]: Sir? According to alt.conspiracy, the Freemasons are in control.
> Jay exited Engineering, his mind full of plans to get Earth back in shape.
CROW: First he'd start the Earth on aerobics, weights and T'ai Chi....
> Light years away inside the nebula FGS-47,
MIKE: Just out of curiosity, how far away from nebula FGC-47 is that?
> his sister was trying not to cry.
>She and her younger brother had just moved in to her brother and his wife's quarters.
>Jacqualynn Gordon was to share a room with Marrissa's sister Jacqualine, while her
>brother had a room to himself.
CROW [as Lynn, sniffling]: It's not fair... he ALWAYS gets a room for himself!
> "No I'm not going to cry," Lynn told herself,
TOM SERVO [singing, almost crying]: I'm gonna harden my heart... gonna swallow my tears...
> trying to restrain the tears threatening to flow as she put away her belongings.
MIKE [as Lynn, bawling]: I don't WANNA clean my room!
> She remember where she had acquired each object and as she was only twelve,
>most of them had memories associated with her parents.
TOM SERVO: Except for a little blue package she got from a man in a trenchcoat.
"First one's free", he said....
> She toyed with the idea of hiding the
>belonging that reminding her of her dead parents the most.
CROW: Their gold fillings.
> "No, I'm not going to be like my little brother." Her six year old
>brother Jeffery had spent the last couple hours with his head buried in his
>pillow crying his heart out.
MIKE: The Power Rangers had finally been cancelled after four hundred years.
> "And that would be a bad thing?" a voice came from the door.
TOM SERVO [as voice]: Think how convenient it would be to pee while standing up!
> Lynn turned to see her sister-in-law, Marrissa standing at the door.
CROW [as Lynn]: AAAAAaaaahhhh! How long have you been standing there?!
> "Yes, a big girl like me shouldn't cry," Lynn responded her eyes beginning
>to fill despite her best efforts.
> "Where did you get that idea?" Marrissa asked gently, as she sat down beside her.
MIKE [as Lynn]: From a Frankie Valli song.
ALL [singing]: Biiiiiiiiggg giiiiiiiirrrrls doooooooonnn't cryyyyyy!
> "I'm a big girl, I can command..." Lynn began.
CROW [as Lynn, sniffling]: I am strong, I am powerful, I am woman...
> "I know you're big," Marrissa responded.
TOM SERVO [as Lynn, angrily]: Hey, you could stand to drop some pounds too, you know!
> "But that doesn't stop you from having feelings. It's not good to hold them
>up inside you. I know, I've tried."
CROW [as Marrissa]: Deep inside, I'm MUCH more of a bitch than I ever let on....
> "You have?" Lynn asked, tears now flowing freely.
> "You're not the only girl to lose both of your parents at a young age,"
>Marrissa responded, gentle laying the crying girl back on her bed.
MIKE: Not a word, you two...
>"I lost my mother and father at age 12, as well."
TOM SERVO: Yeah, Ratliff's got more dead parents in his fanfics than every Disney
film and 50's sitcom combined!
> "You did?"
CROW [as Marrissa]: No, I just made that up to get your sympathy.
> "Yes, and I spent the next two months
MIKE [as Marrissa]: ... clamped onto Jean-Luc Picard like a giant leech.
> denying my grief and avoiding the Ship's Counselor," Marrissa told her.
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: Assaulting superior officers, beating up ambassadors... you
know, the usual.
> "I pinned all my emotions behind a tight wall and hid behind my new Star Fleet
>uniform and it's shiny ensign's pip.
MIKE [as Marrissa]: Later I had them both exchanged for a size that I could wear
instead of hide behind.
> Clara tells me that I was murder to my Kid's crew during those months.
>But I still missed my parents and all the pinned up emotions did me no good."
CROW [as Marrissa]: Remember how I circumcised half of the medical staff with a
cheese grater?
> "What happened?"
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: Well, they court-martialed me and shipped me off to a
penal colony on charges of... [normal voice] No wait, that's just what
SHOULD have happened.
> "Well, its always surprising to me what finally made me break down," Marrissa mused.
MIKE [as Marrissa]: I think it was when I read Enterprized for the third time.
> "I had just won the ship's science fair for my age group for the third
>year in a row, which in no doubt endeared me to my classmates.
CROW: Yeah, nothing wins kids' friendship like breaking the grade curve.
TOM SERVO: Not to mention having all the modesty of Donald Trump.
> My adopted father came down to present the awards and take the winners on the ship's
>tour. As he handed my blue ribbon to me he said, 'good job, daughter.' It was then that
>I finally realized that my parents were dead.
MIKE [as Marrissa]: I'm a little slow sometimes. I thought they were just on a long vacation....
> I grabbed on to the poor Captain and cried my heart out.
CROW: Right now I'd like to lean on Patrick Stewart and cry too.
TOM SERVO: So... anybody buying this little rewrite of Ratliff history?
MIKE: Nope.
> You can go on with life at warp 13, trying to forget,
TOM SERVO: Unless you live in the early days of Trek... then you can only go on with
life at Warp 10.
> but eventually
>your emotions will catch up with you." Marrissa sighed
> As Marrissa finished, Lynn yawned.
MIKE: Yeah, Marrissa's long-winded speeches have that effect on people....
> Her day had been rather tiring and now she
>needed a nap despite her age. "Marrissa?"
> "Yes Lynn."
CROW [as Lynn]: Shut up.
> "Do you ever get over it?" Lynn yawned again, closing her eyes
> Marrissa mused over the statement before replying, "No, not entirely." But Marrissa
>had waited too long. Lynn was asleep.
TOM SERVO: Marrissa missed a chance to shoot her mouth off? Now THERE'S a first....
MIKE: But it's not the first time Ratliff's dialogue has put somebody to sleep, though.
> Marrissa pulled the blanket over Lynn, kissed her on the forehead and left the
>room, thinking about her own parents.
CROW: And how lucky they were to be out of this fanfic.
TOM SERVO: [edges over to Mike] Speaking of leaving the room, guys...
MIKE: [picks up Tom] That time already? Gee, just when it was getting interesting...
[They all exit the theater]
[Commercials. A satisfied customer for The Psychic Solution tells us that talking to one
of their psychics is like talking to one of his best friends. He goes on to say that his
best friends charge him $2.00 a minute to talk to them too.]
[Continued in Part 4]
From: v335ry46@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu (JAREK)
Date: 3 Mar 1997 03:39:25 GMT
Newsgroups: alt.fan.mst3k,alt.tv.mst3k,alt.startrek.creative,rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc
Subject: MSTed: Stephen Ratliff's "Falling Into Command". (4/6)
[SOL]
[Crow is dressed up as a film director in front of the console. Tom Servo is on the console,
dressed in a greenish-gray jacket, sunglasses and a red baseball cap with a yellow silhouette
of the Satellite of Love printed on it and the words "USS Satellite of Love" printed in yellow
above the silhouette.]
CROW: All right, places everybody! We've got a celebrity endorsement for Stephen Ratliff to
shoot here, unlikely as that may seem! Tom, you ready? Are you feeling Tom Clancy-ish
yet? [Tom nods as best he can] Good! Roll camera! Cue sound! MARKER!!! [Crow exits
stage left, and Mike enters from stage right with a film slate]
MIKE [as film crewman]: Tom Clancy testimonial for Stephen Ratliff, take one! [Mike
clacks the slate and leaves the shot]
CROW [offscreen]: And... ACTION!
TOM SERVO [as Clancy]: Hi. I'm Tom Clancy, and I'm here to tell you why I love Stephen
Ratliff's stories. No, it's not because I'm turning senile....
CROW [entering the shot]: CUT!!! Servo, quit horsing around! We've got a tight schedule to
meet here! All right, roll camera! Cue sound! MARKER!!! [Crow exits stage left,
and Mike enters from stage right with a film slate]
MIKE [as film crewman]: Tom Clancy testimonial for Stephen Ratliff, take two! [Mike clacks
the slate and leaves the shot]
CROW [offscreen]: And... ACTION!
TOM SERVO [as Clancy]: Tom Clancy here, best selling author and fan of Stephen Ratliff's
Marrissa stories! You know, it does my heart proud to see young authors writing
cheap knockoffs of my work....
CROW [entering the shot]: CUT!!! Servo, what the hell are you doing?!
TOM SERVO: Look, Crow, if I'm going to play the role of Tom Clancy, I've got to see
things from *his* point of view, right? How do *you* think he would react to seeing
another series with a main character who rises quickly into power through a series of
illnesses and tragic accidents, lots of descriptions of battle scenes and military
hardware, and plenty of glowing references to the United States of America?
CROW: Servo... you're reading WAY too much into this....
TOM SERVO: And look, Marrissa picked up a royal title when she investigated the assassinations at Essex
in "A Royal Mess", right? Doesn't sound *just a little* like what happened to
Jack Ryan in "Patriot Games"?
CROW: Look, Servo, be that as it may...
TOM SERVO: You've got Marrissa bringing peace to the war-torn Naklab region in
"Who Q? Where Q?" and "A Royal Wedding", and Jack Ryan bringing peace to war-torn
Israel in "Sum of All Fears"....
CROW [aside]: *Sigh*... This is what I get for hiring method actors....
TOM SERVO: And remember when Starfleet HQ and the Congress building got blown up real good
in the theater a few minutes ago, sending the Federation into chaos? Want to take
a guess what happens at the end of "Debt of Honor"?
CROW: All right, all right, I get your point! Now listen, Servo... this is *supposed*
to be a celebrity testimonial. Follow me on this? That means *you're* supposed
to be Tom Clancy saying something *good* about Ratliff's stories! Okay? Am I
making this clear enough for you? Can you knock off the Chevy Chase impression
and do this right just *once*?
TOM SERVO: But if I'm supposed to be Tom Clancy, how the hell am I supposed to...
CROW: I don't care about your problems! We're over budget on this thing as it is!
Just find me *one* good thing that Tom Clancy would say about Ratliff's fanfics,
and then we're done! Can we do that, please?! *Sigh* All right, roll camera!
Cue sound! MARKER!!! [Crow exits stage left, and Mike enters from stage
right with a film slate]
MIKE [as film crewman]: Tom Clancy testimonial for Stephen Ratliff, take three!
[Mike clacks the slate and leaves the shot]
CROW [offscreen]: And... ACTION!
TOM SERVO [as Clancy]: Tom Clancy here, speaking out for Stephen Ratliff's Marrissa stories!
You know, imitation really is the sincerest form of flattery. So thank you,
Stephen. I'm very flattered indeed. [pause] But Jack Ryan could kick Marrissa's
ass any day of the week!
CROW [offscreen, sounding outraged]: CUT!!!
[Lights flash, buzzers buzz and pandemonium erupts]
CROW [offscreen]: That's it for today, everybody! WE'VE GOT RATLIFF SIGN!!! SERVO, YOU'RE
FIRED!!! YOU'LL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN....
[..6..][..5..][..4..][..3..][..2..][..1..]
[Mike and the bots enter the theater.]
MIKE: Just want you to know, Tom... I'm throwing all my Clancy books out the airlock when
this fanfic is over.
TOM SERVO: Well, *somebody* had to say it.
[Mike and the bots sit down.]
>Note:
> In this chapter I referance Captain Hikaru Sulu. I have a story that brings him
>into TNG time, which I thought I was going to finish first, so I used him. It got delayed
>when insperation hit on this one.
TOM SERVO: See what I mean? Tom Clancy wrote his stories out of order too!
MIKE: Great, Tom, I'm so glad you noticed that.
> Chapter Five
CROW: Chapter Five is alive!
MIKE: Somehow I doubt it.
> Nicholas Picard paced nervously outside the room where they worked on his father.
CROW: The thumbscrews didn't break him, but the electrodes and Coolio CDs would definitely
do the job.
> Fleet Admiral Jean-Luc Picard had lost a lot of blood, had a concussion, and
>several broken ribs.
TOM SERVO [as Picard]: That's the last time I spend my shore leave in a Klingon gay bar....
> He noticed that things had gotten a lot less frantic since he had arrived.
>Then the Medical Center had been a bustle of activity, injuries coming in from around the world.
MIKE [as Michael Floorwax]: ALL OVER THE WOOOOOOOOORRRRRRLLLLLDDD!!!
CROW: So there's only one hospital on the entire planet?
TOM SERVO: HMOs. You know how it goes.
>Now things were quieting. Patients were being moved to rooms, and the bustle around the
>operating rooms had quieted.
MIKE: So... quiet, then.
TOM SERVO: Pretty much.
> He remembered the arguments his parents had over
>the size of this new hospital. He was willing to bet that his father would have no problems
> with a two billion bed hospital now.
CROW: Two BILLION?!
MIKE: Don't think about it. That way lies madness.
> From the operating room an experienced doctor emerged, her hair, once blond now graying.
TOM SERVO: Uh oh, I think I know who *this* is going to be....
> As she approached, Nick looked up expectantly. "Nicholas Picard?" the same voice
>that had greeted his request for assistance asked. His face took on a look of dread as the
>doctor approached.
MIKE: Fearful that he was going to be upstaged, Nicholas cringed.
> "I'm Doctor Kate Pulaski," she introduced herself.
TOM SERVO: Let me get this straight... Doctor Pulaski was the *kind-voiced* one?
CROW: Nope. Not buying it.
> "You father
MIKE [as Eric Idle]: No... you patient's son, me doctor, she nurse, your father patient.
> is going to be fine."
> "Can I see him?"
CROW [as Pulaski]: No, he's invisible right now.
> "In a little bit, we are moving him to a private room," Pulaski responded. "He should
>sleep for the next 24 hours,
TOM SERVO [as Pulaski]: The Ratliff story we gave him sedated him a little more than we expected.
> and he will have to take it easy for the next couple
>of months."
MIKE: Seeing as how he's chained to a desk, I don't think they have to worry about that.
> "If you'll relieve him of duty, I'll make sure he can't lift a finger," Nicholas
>responded, dutifully.
CROW [as Nick]: If I break his neck at just the right spot...
> "You can do that?" Pulaski replied. "I didn't know anyone could restrain him.
>I had the devil of a time when I was his CMO."
TOM SERVO [as Pulaski]: People just don't want me to treat them for some reason....
> "You served with my father?" Nick responded, interested.
MIKE: So Nicky P here can diagnose injuries and knows old American history, but doesn't
know that his dad worked with Old Iron Pants?
> "Oh, yes, on board the old Enterprise-D while your mother was off commanding Star
>Fleet Medical," Pulaski informed. "Now how does one get old Jean-Luc Picard to
>restrain himself?"
> "I just tell him that I'll tell mother," Nick replied.
CROW [as Nick]: She's got whips, chains and fur-lined handcuffs to work with.
> As he completed the comment Laxwanna Troi
TOM SERVO: Any relation to Lwaxana?
> entered, rushing over to Nick's side.
>"Nicholas, where is your father, the Computer said he was here."
MIKE: Well, seeing as how the computer said he was *here*, I guess that means he's
*here*, doesn't it?
> "Fleet Admiral Picard has been relieved of duty," Doctor Pulaski responded for Nick.
> "I must see him," Laxwanna responded trying to push her way past.
CROW [as Lwaxana]: He has needs that only *I* can meet....
MIKE: You're dangerously close to a time-out, Crow.
> "He must get his rest, and I have restricted visitors to family members,
>hospital wide," Doctor Pulaski said firmly playing the unmoveable object to
>Laxwanna's unstoppable force.
TOM SERVO: In the unreadable fanfic.
> "Even if you where the President of the Federation on urgent business you
>couldn't get into see him."
CROW: I wonder if they'll settle this by wrestling in a tub of Jello....
MIKE: [cringes] Never, ever put that image into my head again, Crow.
> "That is what I am," Laxwanna responded. "Captain Jay Gordon has asked who
>commands now that Star Fleet Head Quarters is gone. I must find out who that is."
TOM SERVO: Find out? What, there's no news?
MIKE: No Internet?
CROW: No disco? No fooling around?
> "When did Inno die?" Pulaski asked.
> "I assume when the Congress building was blown up by the Romulans while he was
>giving the State of the Federation Address," Laxwanna responded.
CROW: I can see it now... "The state of the Federation is..." KABOOM!!!
TOM SERVO: Yup, that about sums it up.
> "In any case, I'm now president and I'd like to know who commands this war we're in."
MIKE: So in the future, president does not equal Commander-in-Chief?
> "My father keeps a list of people that he believes could replace him
TOM SERVO: Sean Connery, Ben Kingsley...
> in the upper left compartment of his desk drawer back in the vineyard house," Nick informed.
CROW: So the future of the Federation depends on Post-it notes in a farmhouse. Wonderful.
> "Since the Doctor says that my father will be out for how long?"
> "A month if he is good, two if not," Pulaski responded.
MIKE [as Pulaski]: And much longer than that if he dies.
> "Ah, just in time to see my sister give birth," Nick remarked.
CROW: She's SPAWNING! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
TOM SERVO: It's so heartwarming to see Nick take such a casual attitude about his father's
critical injuries.
>"Jay has a key, you can get him and find out my father's recommendations. Doctor Pulaski,
>can I go see my father now?"
MIKE [as Pulaski]: I guess so. We've had enough exposition for one scene.
> "I'll take you there," Pulaski said, as President Laxwanna Troi rushed out of the hospital.
TOM SERVO: Check me on this... shouldn't the president of the Federation have bodyguards?
> Captain Jay Gordon and Captain Deanna Riker met the new President
CROW [singing]: ... same as the old President.
>of the Federation outside the Picard Vineyard House. The two Captains were a study in contrasts.
MIKE: One was a spoiled brat, and the other was a hot babe aging gracefully.
> Jay was a tall blond man who had a note of sadness around him. Deanna Riker
>was short with dark hair and bubbling with left over enthusiasm from the battle.
TOM SERVO [as Deanna]: Killing is fun!
> "Good morning Captain, Little One," Laxwanna said, striding up to the Captains.
CROW: Still no bodyguards, I see. Just one shotgun blast, and we'd be rid of all three of
'em....
> "Good morning," Jay responded. Deanna replied only with a short glare, she hated
>the nickname her mother called her, and wished her mother would stop calling her that.
>"Let us go in."
TOM SERVO [reverent voice]: And let us give thanks for this day that the Lord has made....
> Jay open the lock and opened the door for the ladies.
MIKE: Then the security system kicked in and phaser blasts vaporized the three of them. Only dust
remained.
> "Captain, Nicholas said the document we needed is in upper left compartment of
>Jean-Luc's desk drawer," the President informed.
CROW [as Lwaxana]: Next to his "Orion Slavegirls Monthly".
> "I know the document in question," Jay replied,
MIKE [as trial lawyer]: And could you please describe this document to the ladies and
gentlemen in this courtroom, Mr. Gordon?
> going over to the desk and removing
>a single piece of parchment. "My father-in-law thought parchment would be appropriate
>for this document."
CROW: Sure, let's put the vital Starfleet information on something vulnerable to fire
and other damage....
TOM SERVO: Instead of, oh say, putting it on a disk, on a network, or some other place
where YOU COULD GET TO IT IN AN EMERGENCY!!!
> He handed the singlely folded paper to President Troi.
CROW: ... who used it to roll the biggest joint in the Federation.
> Laxwanna unfolded the sheet and began reading the twenty names and postings.
MIKE: Finally she knew who had killed JFK.
> She passed name after name who she knew were dead. She came to number five,
>and remembered the bad news she had to deliver. "Vice Admiral William T. Riker," she sighed.
TOM SERVO: So she just now remembered that her *son-in-law* is dead?
CROW: And nobody bothered to tell his wife?
> As she noticed her daughter brightening, she took the plunge.
MIKE: The Nestea plunge.
> "I'm sure rather hear it from me than have some Lieutenant come to your door.
CROW: *I'm* sure she'd rather hear it in a syntax that makes sense!
> Deanna, I'm afraid Will was inside Star Fleet Command when it blew up."
TOM SERVO [as news anchor]: Female Starfleet officers everywhere are celebrating this
welcome turn of events....
> "Are you sure?" Deanna asked as tears filled her eyes.
MIKE [as Deanna]: Thank God, I can start dating again! I'm free of him at last!
> "I wish I wasn't, Little One," Laxwanna replied taking her lone daughter into her arms.
TOM SERVO [as Lwaxana]: The fat fire is still burning even as we speak....
> "Jay, only one of these people is still alive.Would you mind arranging a secure
> channel to your wife."
CROW: Another unexpected surprise...
MIKE: What were you saying before about the chain of command, Tom?
> By this time, Deanna had completely let go in the protection of her mother's
>arms and was crying softly.
TOM SERVO [as Deanna, sobbing]: He still owed me twenty dollars!
> Jay understood Deanna Riker's grief, so he took the paper from the president
>and when into the next room where he double checked the communication station's
>security like he had learned from his young sister-in-law Jackie.
MIKE: Jay always paid more attention to little kids than he did to standard
Starfleet operating procedure.
> As everything checked out, he then went to the wine cellar
>and picked out some of the '67.
CROW: ... and drank until he was lying in a pool of his own vomit.
> He knew that that year had been an average year and he didn't
>think that a good year would be appreciated or he would have gotten some of the
>'63 with it's label commemorating the owner, Marise Picard's son receiving
>command of the Federation Flagship. He suspected that the '83 would be receiving a
>similar label.
TOM SERVO: Jay Gordon: Starfleet captain and noted wine critic.
> Then he reentered the room, carrying a tray with the wine and three glasses on it.
>"A little wine for your sorrows," Jay suggested as Deanna pulled herself away from her
>mother. She accepted the glass.
MIKE [as commercial announcer]: This playlet was brought to you by Ratliff's Booze
Council... because booze eases the pain and heals all wounds!
CROW [as Deanna]: Ah, sweet booze... *hic*... YOU'RE my husband now....
>Jay pored one for the President as well.
TOM SERVO: I don't even want to THINK about what that could mean....
> "Mrs. President the communicator is sent up
>the next room.
MIKE: Bad communicator! Bad! Go to the next room!
> Just press the button labeled Marrissa."
CROW [as Dr. Forrester]: Push the button, Frank!
MIKE: They've got her on speed dial....
TOM SERVO [as Jay]: It's either a comm station or the admiral's Remote Assassination
Machine. We're not sure which. Just push the button and let me know what happens.
> "Is it secure?" Laxwanna Troi asked.
MIKE [as Lwaxana]: Is it confident and dry? Raise your hand if you're sure.
> "Unless someone else has sampled Jackie's DNA, yes," Jay responded, sipping at his
>own glass of wine.
TOM SERVO: Let's see... Riker's dead, Picard is out of action, Marrissa is pregnant, near
term and about to be promoted AGAIN, the Federation is tottering on the edge of chaos
with Lwaxana Troi running the show... God, now *I* need a drink!
> Marrissa had just put Jeffery
CROW: ... in the Jefferies tube! It seemed appropriate.
> to bed when the call came in. It being gamma shift, Clara was in command,
MIKE: And she was busy pre-emptively flogging the crew.
> and was her that informed Marrissa of the call,
TOM SERVO: It was SHE!
> "Message incoming on secured frequency 49. It's coded as personnel priority one contact
>from Commanding Admiral Star Fleet." 49 was the low admiral personal contact frequency, similar
>to 47, Captain's Personal.
MIKE: Ratliff can't even write good technobabble.
> "Pipe it down here, Clara," Marrissa responded, bringing up her view screen.
> "Aye sir."
CROW [as Marrissa]: And then bring in your steno pad and those files I wanted.
> "Priority One authorization J required," the computer informed. The new authorization
>schemes in Star Fleet for this war had been named according to their inventor's first name.
>J stood for Marrissa's sister Jacqualine.
MIKE: So there are twenty-six possible combinations.
TOM SERVO: If you use the English alphabet.
CROW: Don't they always?
> "Marrissa, file 1 0 1 3 5, level two alpha, command Enterprise," Marrissa replied,
>placing her hand on the authorization pad.
MIKE [as computer]: DOS write error, (A)bort (R)etry (F)ail?
> "Authorization confirmed, standby for incoming communication," the computer responded.
TOM SERVO [as computer]: And thank you for using AT&T.
> The Star Fleet Logo was replaced with the visage of Laxwanna Troi.
ALL: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
CROW: Don't DO that!
>In the background the Picard Family Vineyard House's dinning room
MIKE: Located right next to the dining room...
TOM SERVO: ... where Jay and Deanna were doing shots like there was no tomorrow.
MIKE [as Jay]: You know, the light does crazy things to your hair, Deanna... may I call
you Deanna? Now that you're available, what are you doing after the war?
> could be made out. "Admiral Marrisa Picard,
CROW [as Marrissa]: Misspell my name again, woman, and I'll make sure that your political
career comes to an end... *permanently*!
> I regret to inform you that Earth has been attacked.
>While we have fought them off, many places on Earth have been destroyed.
TOM SERVO [as Lwaxana]: Melrose Place, Peyton Place, Park Place, K-Mart - The Savings Place...
> President Inno died addressing the Federation Congress,
MIKE [as Lwaxana]: He died of writer's cramp while filling out all those envelopes.
> making me President."
> "I'm sorry to hear that, Madam President," Marrissa responded,
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: For the sake of every Federation citizen everywhere, I'm sorry.
>beginning to suspect bad news was emanate.
CROW: *We* knew bad news was imminent as soon as we saw the name "Ratliff"!
> "Thank you Admiral," Troi responded. "Star Fleet Command was also destroyed." Marrissa
>took in a deep breath, her mind racing.
MIKE [as Marrissa, deviously]: Now I make my move....
>"Fortunately, the Fleet Admiral was not inside. However, he was injured in the ensuing
>panic and will be out of commission for the next month or two."
TOM SERVO: All their advanced technology can't stand in the way of a plot device....
> "How is he?" Marrissa inquired.
CROW [as Lwaxana]: Flatter.
> "I'm told he is resting quietly," Laxwanna responded, "but that is not why I called you.
MIKE [as Lwaxana]: How are your macrame lessons coming along?
> With Jean-Luc out of commission, I must appoint an acting
>Commanding Admiral, Star Fleet to act until he can return to duty. I have here
>his recommendations for just such an event. You are my only choice."
TOM SERVO [as Lwaxana]: That being the case, I plan to contact the Romulans immediately
to discuss terms for our surrender....
> "Surely there are others," Marrissa demurred.
CROW [as Leslie Nielsen]: There are no others. And don't call me Shirley.
> "I happen to know that I'm twentieth on that list."
MIKE [as Casey Kasem]: Falling off the charts at number twenty, here's the little princess
Marrissa singing her version of the Rolling Stones' "Under My Thumb"!
> "All the others are dead,"
TOM SERVO: Conveniently.
> Troi responded. "I will be making an announcement of
>your new position after I am publicly sworn in.
CROW [as Lwaxana]: The police have been told to expect total panic.
> I'm told that will happen some around
>noon, Greenwich Mean Time."
> "Send out a general order announcing it around the same time," Marrissa informed.
>"That will make it official."
> "Thank you Marrissa,"
MIKE [as Lwaxana]: ... but I think *I'M* the president here, and I can make those decisions
just fine without your help, thank you VERY MUCH!!!
> Troi out."
> Captain Hikaru Sulu of the USS Excelsior came out of warp
CROW: Unfortunately the Excelsior didn't, so Sulu died a horrible death in the vacuum of space....
MIKE: He was remarkably spry for a man of one hundred and forty-four.
TOM SERVO: And he was still pissed that he didn't make Admiral Picard's list of replacements.
> with his detachment of five
>starships. The system which held Romulan Starbase 17, normally held a score of ships for
>it's defense.
CROW: But they were all decoyed off by a promise of free beer at Deneb III.
> A previous attack by all forty
>starships in the first fleet, of which the Excelsior was a part, had dropped that
>number to a dozen, before reinforcements arrived. Only those were guarding the system
>when the Excelsior made it's attack run.
MIKE: I can already feel the pulse-pounding tension in this masterful Ratliff battle scene.
> It was a hit and run attack.
TOM SERVO [as God from New Jersey DMV short]: Why, that's so *despicable* an act, that I
wouldn't even accuse *YOU* of doing it!
> Sulu hitting the starbase and gloating them into following him.
CROW: *Gloating*?
> Six followed the Excelsoir
MIKE: Let me guess... that's French for "stupid plot device", right?
> and it's cohorts out of the
>system. The warbirds steadfastly resisted losing the Starfleet vessels, not that they
>were trying hard to lose them.
>
> Chapter Six
TOM SERVO: Chapter Six-six-six: The fanfic of the beast.
CROW: Oh sure, by all means, go ahead and bring the battle scene to a dead halt and move
on to something else. What's next, a chapter about hair ribbons?!
> In a couple of hours Captain Jay Gordon would be shipping out
TOM SERVO: ... or shaping up.
> on the Hawaii with her new Captain, Deanna Troi.
MIKE: I'm trying hard not to picture Marina Sirtis standing on the bridge wearing one
of those obnoxiously loud flower-print shirts with a lei draped around her neck.
TOM SERVO: Wait a minute... Deanna *Troi*?
> (With her husband's death she had shifted back to her maiden name.)
CROW: So she's already saying she's available? How sensitive.
> T'Gwen Washington had assumed command of the Fleet at Earth until Captain
>La Forge was ready to return to duty, and had been made a Rear Admiral by Marrissa.
MIKE: Marrissa can do that, being Ratliff's main character and all.
> Marrissa, upon assuming command
>of Star Fleet, had be promoted to full Admiral and was directing the war from her position
>somewhere along Romulan Space.
TOM SERVO: She's an admiral, a princess, a treaty negotiator, and infamous scourge of the
galaxy... but she really wants to direct!
> He would be rejoining the fleet at Essex. Meanwhile he had something to
>take care of on the Wellington.
CROW: Figuring out the plot!
>When the door to his parents quarters on the Wellington opened, familiar sights greeted him.
MIKE: The whips and chains, the cat-o'-nine-tails, the manacles attached to the headboard...
> He hadn't lived with his parents since he left for the Academy at fourteen,
CROW: After his parents disowned him.
> and then his parents were living on the Independence.
>Never the less, the quarters had the same feel of home, a feeling he had tried to envoke
>on the Enterprise. It was mostly standard furniture, with the exception of his mother's
>rocking chair, but still the memory was there.
TOM SERVO: [starts humming "The Way We Were"]
> He had come to pack up all the belongings, sorting out those that were to go to the
>Enterprise, mostly those of his little brother and sister Lynn.
CROW: Wait a second... is Lynn a hermaphrodite?!
MIKE: I think "little brother" was supposed to refer to somebody else, Crow.
>The rest he'd put in storage on Essex in his wife's castle basement, the dungeon she like to call it.
TOM SERVO: Funny how she started calling it that after she started locking people away down there....
> He'd promised himself he wouldn't cry, and he made a valiant effort, until he came
>to his parents' room.
> The last time he had visited them, and he had stayed out of the quarters on his way
> to Earth, the rocking chair had been opposite his parent's bed. Now it was partially packed in
CROW: ... its own juices.
> a packing case. On the bedside table was a
>note in his mother's handwriting. Jay's eyes filled with tears as he began reading.
MIKE [as Jay's mom]: Dear Son, I sunk all our money into Bajoran real estate. Ha ha, we're
screwed. Love, Mom.
> Dear Jay,
> As your wife's time grows near, I feel it is time to pass on the family rocking chair.
CROW [as Jay's mom]: We couldn't get more than $1.50 for it at the pawn shop, so you
might as well have it.
> I know you'll probably insist I keep it, but there comes a time when you must pass
> on such traditions.
MIKE: Other times you have to hand them off or lateral them.
> This chair has been in the Gordon family for centuries. Your grandma Gordon
>gave it to me just before I had you, and said she got it from Great Grandma Gordon
>before she had your father.
TOM SERVO [as Jay's mom]: Before that, your great-great-great-great-great- grandfather
had it while he was Police Commissioner of Gotham City.
> Now it's your turn. Just don't name
>your child Morgan, I know all the ribbing your father went though with that name.
MIKE: What's wrong with "Morgan"? Sure beats "Jackson Johnson" by a long shot.
CROW: It just doesn't have the ring to it that "Throwaway" does.
TOM SERVO: And we *all* know what happened to that boy named Sue....
> Love,
> Mom
MIKE [as Jay's mom]: Oh, who am I trying to kid? We never loved you!
CROW [as Jay's mom]: P.S. Bite me.
> Jay's tears flowed freely, letting go as he mechanically finished packing. Soon everything was
TOM SERVO: ... sopping wet.
> in order. His younger siblings's stuff
CROW: ... he blasted out the nearest airlock.
>and the rocking chair were ready to beam to the Hawaii. While the rest would be taken
>to Essex later on a feighter.
MIKE: He would have used a freighter, but only a feighter was available.
> He used his right sleeve to dry his face
>and shakenly
CROW: ... but not stirredly.
>ordered, "Captain Jay Gordon to Hawaii, one person and cargo to beam up."
TOM SERVO: So why did he bother to pack the chair? Was it going to get jostled
during the beam-out?
> Lynn was finishing up, between the tears, her arrangement of her belongings
>in her new room that she shared with Jackie. She hadn't seen Jackie since she
>moved in, but Jackie's bed had been slept in.
CROW: She also noticed that someone had sat in Jackie's chair and eaten her porridge.
> Lynn made the bed for her. Lynn liked things to be tidy.
MIKE: Lynn needed to make sure that every molecule of dirt was scrubbed off her
hands every ten minutes.
> She decided, that for the moment, the family picture was just too painful.
TOM SERVO: Too many sharp edges around the frame.
> Instead, she placed a picture of herself, her older brother Jay, her older sister
>Jessica, and her younger brother Jeffery, taken just before Jay had received
>his promotion to Captain next to her bed.
MIKE: They wanted to have the promotion ceremony in the auditorium, but having
it beside Lynn's bed was cheaper.
> "You didn't need to make the bed," Jackie commented as she entered the room.
> "I can't stand an unmade bed," Lynn shrugged.
CROW [as Lynn]: Or an unbedded maid.
MIKE [threateningly]: Crow...
> "I would have made it, but Commander Sutter-Rozhenko had a problem that
>needed my attention," Jackie responded.
TOM SERVO [as Jackie]: She still can't spell her last name.
> "Rule number 14 of being an officer on a starship, they'll always wake you
>up early when you stayed up late."
MIKE: Rule Number One: Don't make kids into officers.
CROW: Rule Number Fifteen: Stop making up stupid rules.
> "Then don't stay up late," Lynn suggested.
TOM SERVO [as Jackie]: Oh, thank you so much, Mrs. Know-It-All!
> "I stayed up late fixing another problem," Jackie replied.
MIKE [as Jackie]: And when I have to fix a problem, it *stays* fixed. PERMANENTLY.
Catch my drift, annoying one?
> "That reminds me, Marrissa wants me to set up a Kid's crew on the Enterprise.
CROW [as Jackie]: I have no idea why she chuckled with evil glee as she told me this.
>Apparently my time is higher than the other children on board."
> "Not that hard, mines only 15:14.234" Lynn responded.
TOM SERVO: Wait a minute... is Ratliff still handing out promotions based on nothing
other than Kobayashi Maru time?
> "Then I beat you by just hundredth of a second," Jackie replied.
MIKE [as Jackie]: And that hundredth of a second forever dooms you to be my inferior.
>"Anyway, do you have any suggestions on how to start?"
> "You're asking me?" Lynn responded.
CROW [as Travis Bickle]: You talkin' to ME? Are YOU talkin' to ME?
> Jackie gave an of course shrug. "I inherited my crew from my sister Jessica.
MIKE: I, Jessica, being of sound mind and body, do bequeath my crew and ship...
TOM SERVO: I'd contest that will.
> She might have an idea, lets go ask her."
> "I don't think we want to do that," Jackie replied.
CROW [as Jackie]: I'm starting to have a real bad feeling about this Kid's Crew idea....
> At Lynn's look of askance,
TOM SERVO: Look of *askance*? *Sigh* Got anything to READ, guys?
> Jackie continued. "She hasn't been in the best of moods lately.
CROW [as Jackie]: That time of the month. You know how it is.
> I ran into a couple of the pilots from her squadron.
MIKE [as Jackie]: Fortunately, no one was hurt.
> She's ridding them hard."
CROW: Hey, leave her personal life out of this!
> "Jess, ridding them hard?" Lynn exclaimed.
MIKE [as Jackie]: What the hell is *that* supposed to mean?
> "I didn't think their was a mean
>bone in her body ... with the exception of what ever makes her ignore me and my
>little brother."
TOM SERVO: Well, that's just common sense.
CROW: That's what we wish *we* could do!
> "She ignores you?" Jackie inquired. Jackie's siblings had always been attentive,
>so this was something new to her. "How could she, she's your sister."
MIKE: You just answered your own question.
> "There is four years difference and she's never taken the time to get to know me,"
>Lynn responded.
CROW [as Lynn]: I just KNOW she'd like me....
TOM SERVO [as Jon Lovitz]: GET TO KNOW ME!!!
> "There is thirteen between me and Marrissa, and twenty-three between me and Wesley,"
MIKE: Oh God... it's the "W" word!
TOM SERVO: Ride it out, Mike.
> Jackie replied. "They've always listened to me."
CROW: Of course, they're complete idiots, so what do they know?
> "Lynn, Jackie, a word with you please," Marrissa called from the next room.
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: I need your advice... what's the best way to make sure my dad
*stays* out of commission?
> The two came rushing in. "Any progress on the kid's crew front?"
> "Not really," Jackie responded.
MIKE [as Jackie]: In fact, it's all quiet on the Kid's Crew front.
> "I was hoping Lynn would have some ideas, but she inherited her crew."
TOM SERVO [as Jackie]: She's so lucky... I had to save up my money and *buy* my crew!
> "I'll then I suggest a good place to start may be your teachers," Marrissa stated.
CROW: Your English teachers. So you don't end up talking like this!
> "They know who is good at what. and who is fascinated with this and that.
MIKE [as Marrissa]: And where to put a period in a sentence.
> They are an excellent starting place. But, that's not why I called you. Jacquelyn
>Christine Gordon.
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: You march right upstairs and clean up your room this INSTANT!
> Your actions in battle have come to my attention.
MIKE: WHAT actions?
TOM SERVO: Besides playing dead and praying that the ship doesn't take another hit?
> It is my opinion as Kid's Crew Supervising Officer,
>that you deserve an Ensign's rank. As Commanding Admiral, Star Fleet, I'm happy to give
>you one."
CROW: Congratulations, Lynn. Your valiant actions have just demoted you from Kid's Crew
Captain to Ensign.
> "Thank you, Admiral," Lynn responded.
MIKE [as Lynn]: ... I think.
> "I hope I can live up to your expectations."
TOM SERVO: Not likely, but have fun trying!
> "I'm sure you will, Lynn," Marrissa replied.
CROW [as Marrissa, threateningly]: Because if you don't...
> Martin Sussex, Ship's Counselor, walked into Sickbay for his weekly meeting with Doctor Johnson.
MIKE: I let it pass last time, but... Doc Johnson?
TOM SERVO: Should've let it pass this time, too.
> The Earl Floras was about 5' 10" in height and of a medium
>build. He wore Starfleet Medical blue, although regulations allowed him great freedom in attire.
MIKE: Which explained his pumps, skirt and Indian war bonnet.
CROW: And you should see him on clothing-optional Friday!
> He brushed a stray blond hair from his eyes, and called out, "Doctor, are you ready
>for our meeting yet," after noting the vacant office.
TOM SERVO [as Martin]: And why is that piece of rubber tubing tied around your arm?
> "Hold your horses, Martin," the Doctor called from the lab. "I'll be out in a moment."
>The Doctor exited the lab,
CROW: ... zipped up his pants...
> and hung his lab coat on the coat rack
>outside his office.
MIKE [as Dr. Johnson]: Sorry about that. My biology experiment has been getting out of
control lately, and it was just about to break out of its cage. But I think we'll
be safe out here.
> "Still trying to cure the incurable?" Martin asked.
TOM SERVO [as Dr. Johnson]: Yeah, still trying to turn Ratliff into a writer.
> "Actually I was making sugar candy for the younguns," Doctor Jackson Johnson responded.
CROW [as Dr. Forrester]: Before adulthood, when *booze* becomes a staple, *sugar* is the
next best substitute to parental love!
MIKE: You used to do that voice a lot better....
> "If they know there is a reward, they're much more cooperative.
CROW: First one's free, right?
> What's first on the agenda?"
TOM SERVO [as Martin]: First, we slow the plot to a crawl.
MIKE [as Dr. Johnson]: Done. Next?
> "Let's start with Marrissa's situation," Martin suggested.
TOM SERVO [as Martin]: I want this Marrissa situation taken care of... PERMANENTLY!
> "How are those two children she just acquired."
CROW [as Dr. Johnson]: She sold them off while the market was good.
> "Physically they are OK," the Doctor responded.
MIKE [as Dr. Johnson]: Mentally, they need to be locked up.
> "Jeffery was quite fascinated with my equipment.
CROW: Mmph! MMMMPPPHH!!!
MIKE [with right hand over Crow's mouth]: Not one word out of you, Crow...
> I promised to give him a tour sometime.
TOM SERVO: MMPH!!!
MIKE [with left hand over Tom's mouth]: And that goes for you too!
>Jacquelynn, I think she goes by Lynn,"
CROW: To keep from confusing the author.
TOM SERVO: 'Cause it's too late for the readers.
> Martin confirmed this with a nod, "seemed
>preoccupied. She seemed also to be neglecting herself a little. Her hair had a
>couple tangles."
CROW [as Dr. Johnson]: Tangles?! That settles it... we've *got* to have her committed!
MIKE: That's right, Earth has just been attacked, the Federation lies in ruins...
now's a *great* time to start talking about people's hair!
TOM SERVO: I think this harks back to when doctors were barbers too. We'll see leeches next.
> "I think Lynn is dealing with her grief like Jay's been known to do," Martin responded.
> "How's that?" Jackson inquired.
CROW [as Martin]: Running madly through the corridors of the ship with a butcher knife, hacking
and stabbing at anyone who comes close.
TOM SERVO [as Martin]: And mussing up her hair.
> "Retreating from the world, holing up, isolating ones self from the world,"
CROW: What's she doing, majoring in Computer Science?
MIKE: No, she's getting mentally prepared to write a series of fanfics....
> Martin enumerated.
TOM SERVO: That's how mathematicians get after too many drinks.
> "You remember how Jay was when he thought the Captain was dead several months ago."
CROW [as Dr. Johnson]: As I recall, we found him table dancing in Ten Forward.
> "I do remember trying to find him for a physical, which he needs again," Jackson responded.
MIKE [as Dr. Johnson]: He's scheduled for routine maintenance every 10,000 miles.
> "I assume you have a plan to keep little Lynn from following in her brother's path."
TOM SERVO [as Martin]: Yup. Euthanasia.
> "Yes, I've asked Marrissa to talk to her,
CROW: And if THAT doesn't put the fear of God into her, NOTHING will!
> as she had a similar experience," Martin
>informed. "And the Admiral is also looking for some activity to get her out of the quarters."
MIKE [as Martin]: Like clog-dancing or playing the bagpipes.
> "Admiral Picard had a similar experience?" Doctor Johnson inquired.
TOM SERVO: Which Admiral Picard?
>"I wasn't aware of it."
> "It was before your time, and mine as well," Martin informed the doctor.
CROW: You're making it sound like Marrissa is *so* much older....
> "I only know it from her record and what Clara told me. It seems that during the
>time that Marrissa first took command of the saucer on the old Enterprise-D,
TOM SERVO: ... the horror began for us!
> both her parents died on some classified mission.
MIKE [as Martin]: And, as usual, the secretary disavowed any knowledge of their actions.
> Shortly there after, then Captain Jean-Luc Picard adopted her. I'm told that
>Marrissa was absolute hell on her Kid's Crew for the next couple months."
CROW: Mind you, alt.startrek.creative was hit pretty hard too!
> "Speaking of hell, what about Lieutenant Jessica Gordon?" Doctor Johnson asked.
TOM SERVO: Speaking of hell, how much longer is this fanfic going to LAST?!
> "Well, I'd say the squadron commander is doing the opposite of her younger sister's
>reaction," Martin responded. "She seems to be throwing herself into her work. In the
>process she is pushing her squadron to the limit."
MIKE [as Dr. Johnson]: Don't worry about it... if she keeps it up, someone's going to
roll a grenade into her quarters, and then she won't be our problem anymore.
> "A little time off might be in order," Johnson responded.
CROW: I'd like some time off too... from this fanfic!
> "Possible, but I think a temporary reassignment may be better," Martin Sussex
>responded. "She needs something to occupy her time, but not so involved."
MIKE [as Martin]: Have her clean off the tables in Ten-Forward.
> "Forward the suggestion to Admiral Picard for the temporary reassignment," Doctor
>Johnson advised. "Now what about Ensign Greer...."
TOM SERVO: See that? Tom Clancy had an Admiral Greer in three of his books!
MIKE: Wonderful, Tom. Thank you so much for pointing that out....
> Jackie and Lynn were going over the reports that the Enterprise's teachers had supplied them.
CROW: They were horrified by what they saw.
> here were 26 children over the age of 5, which was the minimum age for kid's crews.
TOM SERVO: *Five*? FIVE?!?
CROW: But they were thinking about making an exception for an eight-month old who had a
really kick-ass Kobayashi Maru score....
> The two residents of the Captain's quarters
>were the only two who had their command credentials among them.
MIKE: And even THEY were little better than drooling toddlers.
> "I don't think we can do much more than make a bridge crew rotation," Lynn remarked.
CROW [as Lynn]: So screw it! This Kid's Crew thing was a stupid idea anyway....
> "We can do more than that," Jackie responded, pushing back her red hair. "We've
>got some good people security wise, and the triplets seem to each fill a role on our bridge."
MIKE: But if they all look alike, isn't that going to cause some confusion?
TOM SERVO: What's a little more confusion at this point?
> "I agree, lets see if we can make a shift with them," Lynn responded. "Beverly
>for Engineering, Deanna at Operations, and station Tasha at tactical.
ALL: [burst out laughing]
CROW [as Ratliff]: I'll just fill in famous Star Trek bridge crew names for these new
characters. I'm *sure* nobody will notice....
> That just leaves a helmsman, and a command officer."
TOM SERVO: And all the GROWNUPS who now have no jobs!
> "How about Jeffrey?" Jackie replied. "He's got good reflexes." "It will get him out
>of his room," Lynn remarked.
TOM SERVO: Lynn... bridge duty is NOT done for therapeutic reasons!
> "But I've never been able to find a place for him before.
>He does OK where ever I place him, but lacks enthusiasm."
MIKE: Maybe if you let him get past *puberty*, you'd see his enthusiasm return!
CROW: Nah, if you let him go through puberty, you'll NEVER get him out of his room....
> "Red Alert, All hands to Battle stations," the computer interupted.
MIKE: Is it just me, or did the computer completely fail to convey a sense of urgency just
then?
> "So much for planning," Jackie remarked.
CROW [as Jackie]: *Sigh*... War is SUCH an inconvenience....
> "I've got to get down to system monitoring."
TOM SERVO [as Jackie]: Where I have my own personal escape pod...
> "See you later," Lynn replied. "Marrissa's placed me on the bridge at Science One."
MIKE [as Lynn]: I think that means she wants me to do some kind of science stuff....
> Earlier down in Sickbay, Doctor Jackson Johnson was showing little Jeffrey Gordon
>around, as promised.
TOM SERVO: I've got a *bad* feeling about this, guys....
> The little six-year-old ate the doctor's words up
>like candy.
CROW: Strangely enough, he also ate the doctor's candy up like words.
> He seemed interested in everything that the doctor said,
> and knew more than the doctor expected.
TOM SERVO: But then, so did the ficus plant in the doctor's office.
> "This is the isolation ward," Doctor Johnson explained.
CROW [as Dr. Johnson]: ... where we keep stuff isolated.
> "Capable of keeping fifty people insolated from each other while still allowing
>treatment," Jeffery responded.
TOM SERVO: Nice to know they'll get a tan while they're stuck in sick bay.
MIKE: Huh?
TOM SERVO: "Insolated". Look it up.
> "Yes, how did you know that?" the Doctor inquired.
CROW [as Jeffery]: Oh, I'm a kid, so I basically know everything.
TOM SERVO: Doogie Hawser, M.D., The Early Years.
> "I had Jackie pull up the stats for me last night," Jeffery responded.
MIKE [as Jeffery]: She also told me that you had your license suspended a while back
when they caught you using some of the anesthetics on yourself.
> "Lets see what else you know," Johnson asked. "You can give me the tour."
CROW [as Dr. Johnson]: I don't know what HALF this stuff does! Maybe you can help
me figure it out....
> Jeffery proceeded to give the tour, with only a couple corrections from Doctor Johnson.
MIKE: Such as mixing up a tongue depressor and a scalpel.
> "Amazing, you seem to have a real interest in Medicine," a nurse commented as
>they concluded the tour.
CROW [as Jeffery]: Oh yes, nurse, I do! Wanna come play doctor with me sometime?
MIKE: Careful, nurse. That kid could be bossing you around a *lot* sooner than you think!
TOM SERVO: *sigh* Well, it was only a matter of time before Ratliff violated the medical profession.
He's already shown us kid engineers, kid captains, kid diplomats...
MIKE: Is there *any* occupation out there that Ratliff *doesn't* think a six year old
could do better and faster?!
> Romulan Starbase Five was in Captain Demora Sulu of the Ambassador Class Starship
>Osaka's sights.
TOM SERVO: I think that sentence was a little overburdened.
CROW: And she's, what, about a hundred years old now?
MIKE: Actually, thanks to an astounding Ratliff plot twist, she's retained her youth and vigor!
> With only five starships, she didn't expect to over run it's dozen defenders.
>But that wasn't her goal. The Osaka and her companions charged into the system, striking
>ships as they passed.
CROW: They're playing interstellar tag!
TOM SERVO: You know, "Demora" think about it, "Demora" realize how lame this strategy is....
MIKE & CROW: [groans]
> One lucky shot hit a warbird, sending it up in flames.
MIKE: Of course the flames died VERY quickly because there's no air in space, but what
the hey....
> Then out again, Demora
>sent her ships.
TOM SERVO: Oy... out again, she sent her ships...
> Off to Essex, six warbirds following, she sped.
>A half a dozen warbirds followed, nipping at her heels.
CROW: With Jack Frost nipping at her nose.
> A convincing show of attempted evasion
>was given, as they lep across the old Nuetral Zone.
MIKE: Yup, the good old Neutral Zone. They just don't make 'em like that anymore....
TOM SERVO: [edges over to Mike] We've gotta go, guys....
[Mike picks up Tom and they all exit the theater.]
[..1..][..2..][..3..][..4..][..5..][..6..]
[Continued in Part 5]
From: v335ry46@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu (JAREK)
Date: 3 Mar 1997 03:39:46 GMT
Newsgroups: alt.fan.mst3k,alt.tv.mst3k,alt.startrek.creative,rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc
Subject: MSTed: Stephen Ratliff's "Falling Into Command". (5/6)
[SOL]
[Mike and Crow are together at the control panel. Mike is bald and gray-haired,
like he is when he plays Jack Perkins. Mike also wears the uniform of a Starfleet
admiral. Crow is wearing a T-shirt with the logo of the Federation on the front
along with a USS Enterprise-F baseball cap. There is a Starfleet uniform draped
over the control panel.]
MIKE [as Admiral Picard]: Well, I'm off to Starfleet HQ! There's vitally important
paperwork to do, and my Vulcan chief of staff is in heat! I'm afraid dinner's
going to be about four hours late tonight! You don't mind, do you son?
Tell you what... if you get hungry, there's stewed tomatoes and some
allspice in the pantry. Say, is that the time? Gotta go! If you see Marrissa,
tell her I've procured the supplies she wanted!
[Mike exits stage right. Camera pans over to Crow.]
CROW [as Nick Picard]: Marrissa, Marrissa, Marrissa! It's *always* Marrissa! I can't
even get a decent bite to eat around here, but *Marrissa* gets anything she wants
from Dad! Sigh...
[Crow hangs his head dejectedly as a voice is heard from offscreen. The voice sounds
like Bridget Jones speaking in higher tones than usual.]
OFFSCREEN VOICE: Nick feels very neglected right now... and who wouldn't? He's just a
normal nine year old boy, wondering what it takes to fit in, wondering how to get
his father to notice him... I'd really like to help him, but I'd better wait
until he calls on me....
CROW [as Nick]: Just 'cause *Marrissa's* in that dumb old *Starfleet*, *she* gets all the
attention! Well, when is it *Nick's* turn?! [Crow reaches for the Starfleet uniform
on the console.] I bet if *I* could wear this uniform, Dad wouldn't...
[Bridget Jones instantly materializes next to Crow. She is wearing an altered version
of the Mr. B Natural costume... this version has the Starfleet symbol and silhouettes
of the Enterprise scattered all over it. She also wears a pair of horn-rimmed glasses
with tape holding the bridge together. She places her hands on her hips and beams a
smile of pride at Crow.]
CROW [as Nick]: AAAaaaahhh!!! Wh-who are *you*?
MR. B RATLIFF: Why I'm Mr. B Ratliff, *at* your service! [bows low with a flourish]
Surprised? Shouldn't be, boy! Whether you knew it or not, when you reached for
that Starfleet uniform to make you feel better... *I* got your message!
You awakened me! So you want to get into Starfleet, do you?
CROW [as Nick]: Well... well, *sure* Mr. B Ratliff! But how? I'm only nine years old!
MR. B RATLIFF: A young boy talking like that! BLASPHEMY!!! Mozart was writing *symphonies*
when he was your age, and don't you forget it, young man! Let me tell you something,
Nick... I've got a twelve year old friend who works in the Engineering section of the
starship Wellington! When their bridge was destroyed, do you think *she* stood on
the sidelines saying that she was "too young"? Absolutely not! She took command,
she told the adults what to do and she *saved* that ship! She took to it like *that*!
Because she's young! She's not afraid! And it's fun for her! *That's* how she
learned to run that ship so fast! [puts hand on chin and acts lost in thought]
Wait'll she grows up and finds out how hard it is! [Mr. B Ratliff laughs with head
thrown back] Don't you see, Nick? Age doesn't matter! I've helped *lots* of
kids younger than you to get into Starfleet! So what do you think, Nick? You
wanna give it a try?
CROW [as Nick]: I sure do, Mr. B Ratliff! So what do I have to do?
MR. B RATLIFF: *Wonderful*, Nick! That's the first big step... to *want* it! [Mr. B
Ratliff gestures with a flourish, and a child-sized Starfleet uniform materializes
on Crow. Crow gazes at it with astonishment as the camera zooms in on Mr. B
Ratliff.] Well, let me tell you, the next two weeks were a flurry of activity for
Nick! Not even the critical injuring of his father could stop Nick as he
read Starfleet manuals and studied hard for the Kobayashi Maru test...
which he passed with high marks as *all* my young friends do! Now he was truly
ready to take his place as a young defender of the Federation in the tradition
of his big sister Marrissa! But there was *one* more thing that needed to be taken care of....
[Camera pans to the left, where Crow, still dressed in a Kid's Crew Starfleet uniform,
is standing with Tom Servo, who is dressed in a Kid's Crew medical uniform. They are
both facing Gypsy, who wears a Starfleet medical uniform and a gray-haired wig.]
GYPSY [as Dr. Pulaski]: No! This is wrong! I WON'T allow it!
CROW [as Nick]: You forget, "doctor"... my sister is now the highest-ranking officer
in Starfleet, and I have her approval for assigning a new doctor to treat my father!
You've had your chance to help my father get well, and you've shown yourself to be
totally incompetent! So Jeffrey here will be taking charge of my father's care!
Jeffrey, say hello to the so-called doctor!
TOM SERVO [as Jeffrey]: Hi.
CROW [as Nick]: I mean, really! One to two months to recover from a concussion?!
That may have been a good recovery time hundreds of years ago, but this
is the 24th century, woman! Dad should have been out of bed and back to
filling out vital paperwork within a week! Now get out of the way and let a
*real* doctor do his job!
GYPSY [as Dr. Pulaski]: Now wait just a minute! You're asking me to hand over treatment
of one of Starfleet's legendary admirals to a... a *seven year old boy*?!?
Absolutely not! This is preposterous!!!
CROW [as Nick]: *Sigh*... well, Marrissa told me it might come down to this....
[Crow holds up a phaser and shoots Gypsy with it. Appropriately cheap special effects
accompany the shot as Gypsy collapses to the floor.]
CROW [as Nick]: All right, Jeffrey, my dad's room is...
TOM SERVO [interrupting, as Jeffrey]: Yes, yes, down the hall, turn right and open the
fifth door on the left, I know. I know this two billion bed hospital like the
back of my hand! Maybe I'll give you a tour sometime.. but right now, I've got
a patient to treat!
[Tom Servo heads off camera, and the camera pans back to Mr. B Ratliff. As Mr. B Ratliff
speaks, various power tools and machinery noises can be heard in the background, punctuated
by Mike screaming in the voice of Admiral Picard.]
MR. B RATLIFF: Well, that's that! I had done *my* part! The spirit of Starfleet was a
*natural* thing for him now! For the rest of the story, I can just sit back and
watch him grow into his rightful place as ruler of everything he sees! Makes you
proud, doesn't it?
[The power tools, machinery noises and Admiral Picard's cries of agony die down at this
point, and Crow, Tom, Mike and Gypsy are cheering and applauding as they join Mr. B
Ratliff at center stage.]
MIKE: All right! Great sketch, everybody! Hey Crow, where'd you say you got the idea
for Mr. B Ratliff again?
CROW: Oh, somebody sent up some photos from some Sci-Fi convention, and there was this
costume, see, and it all kinda flowed from there....
MIKE [singing]: And thank you, Nuveena, for helping us with our skiiiiit!
[Mr. B Ratliff's costume is instantly replaced with Nuveena's costume.]
NUVEENA [singing]: You're welcome, Mike... it was fun to be a part of iiiiit!
MIKE [singing]: I don't suppose you could stay around for...
[Nuveena disappears as the commercial sign light turns on]
MIKE [disappointed]: No, I guess not. We'll be right back.
[Commercials. This one's for Pepto-Bismol... because Mama said there'd be fanfics like this.]
[Mike and the bots enter the theater]
CROW: So, you and Nuveena getting along better now?
MIKE: Well, we talked things over and kinda worked out some of our differences....
TOM SERVO: I saw her trying to turn Gypsy into an industrial Shop-Vac. Just thought you
should know....
[Mike and the bots sit down]
> Chapter Seven
TOM SERVO: I hope this is lucky seven... in other words, THE END!
> The Enterprise warped towards Romulan Starbase 9. Normally she would have been
>surrounded by her fleet of 40 ships.
MIKE: And normally she would have been crewed by competent adults....
> But the Lionheart was gone; the
>Wellington and two others were awaiting repair at Utopia.
CROW: And the story was beyond repair.
>She had started out short one from an early attack on this base. The Wellington and
>its cohorts would be back in week, and the Hawaii would be waiting for her at Essex,
TOM SERVO: Ironically, the Essex would be waiting at Hawaii!
> so it wasn't permanent. However that wasn't all she was missing.
MIKE [as Michael Winslow]: I've lost the bleeps, the sweeps, and the creeps!
CROW [as Rick Moranis]: That's not all he's lost....
> The Excelsior had detached with 4 others, and the Osaka
>with 4 more to run a little distraction.
MIKE: Because the Romulans ALWAYS fell for that little trick....
> So Marrissa had only 25 ships
>against a base which she had failed to destroy with more. That didn't bother Marrissa.
TOM SERVO: Failure had become a close friend these past two weeks.
> She knew she had worn this strech of Romulan Space down
>more than it had her. And anyway she didn't plan to destroy it. She planned to capture it.
CROW: Oh, well, that sounds *much* easier....
> As she came out of warp, just five ships were detected in the system. The Enterprise
>and her cohorts plotted a coarse past them.
MIKE: Because they liked it...
ALL: RRRRRRROUGH!!!
MIKE: Thanks for stepping on my line, guys....
>They went by fast, and firing. One by one the the Romulan ships exploded under the fire of
>the score and five Star Fleet vessels.
CROW: Hey... remember when ALL the Ratliff battle scenes looked like this?
>Afterwards they surrounded the pristine Romulan Starbase. Marrissa opened a channel.
TOM SERVO: But it was Comedy Central, so nobody noticed.
CROW: Yeah, I'd like to open Marrissa a whole new channel....
MIKE: Watch it, Crow.
> "This is Admiral Marrissa Amber Picard of the USS Enterprise," she announced.
MIKE [as Marrissa, muttering]: Never did like that "Flores" name... what did my real parents
ever do for me, anyway?
> "We demand your immediate and unconditional surrender or we will open fire."
TOM SERVO: Hello. This is the Romulans. We're not in right now, but if you'd like to leave
a message...
> "This is Admiral Sivics of the Romulan Starbase 9,"
MIKE [as Admiral Sivics]: Sorry for the delay. I was on the john, doing my sivic duty.
CROW & TOM: [groans]
>was the reply. "Withdraw at once or be destroyed."
> "I think not."
CROW: Truer words were never spoken.
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: Therefore, I am not.
> "Oh really, your homeworld is in flames, your government in ashes. Your second fleet destroyed."
MIKE [as Sivics]: Oh really, it's true! Just take my word for it!
> "Really. True, Earth was attacked, but the second fleet is alive and well. As for the
>other effects in Star Fleet, well the Romulans worst nightmare just happened."
CROW: What? Is Ratliff putting Kid's Crews on Romulan ships now?
> "You're in command of Star Fleet?!?!"
TOM SERVO: No, that's OUR worst nightmare!
CROW: And Ratliff's wet dream.
> "Why yes, for the next couple months. You care to surrender?"
ALL: [burst into laughter]
MIKE: Oh Ratliff, you lovable nut, you've done it again....
> "No."
TOM SERVO [as Sivics]: But thank you for asking.
> "That's OK, Admiral Sivisc. We'll just take your starbase over with out you.
>Enterprise out."
CROW [as Sivics/Sivisc]: Well *that* hardly seems fair....
> "Shayna, status of our troops?" Marrissa asked, settling back into her chair.
MIKE [as Shayna]: Pre-pubescent. Why?
> "All five thousand have been successfully transported aboard," Shayna responded.
TOM SERVO: Wait a second... doesn't this starbase have *shields*?
> "Shall I inquire as to their progress?"
> "Please."
CROW [as troops]: *Yes* Shayna, we're *doing it* Shayna... how can we do it if you keep
calling and interrupting us?!
> "75 percent of the base secure. They are readying to take the Command Center."
CROW: Somehow I thought invading a starbase would be more exciting.
MIKE: *Sigh* Ratliff either doesn't think the Romulans would have any security troops
on this station...
TOM SERVO: ... or he thinks very little of the ones that are there.
> "Admiral Sivisc is hailing us again," Alexander reported.
> "On screen," Marrissa ordered. The Romulan Admiral appeared. "Forget something, Admiral?"
CROW [as Sivics/Sivisc]: Yeah. How the hell is my name *supposed* to be spelled?
> "I demand you withdraw your troops immediately," Sivisc demanded. "If you don't I
>will destroy this base with your troops on it."
> "Go ahead," Marrissa replied, in a cold daring tone.
MIKE [as Marrissa]: Do you think I give a damn about *their* worthless lives?!
> "Computer set self-destruct," Sivisc ordered, placing his hand on a nearby panel.
>"Authorization, Sivisc Primus Command Delta One Four One Destruct."
TOM SERVO: Sure, the Romulans use the same type of command codes as the Federation...
THAT makes sense!
> The Romulan Computer responded in a deep bass, "Insufficient authorization."
CROW [as computer]: You did not say "Simon says".
> "What!" the Admiral exclaimed over the still open channel.
> "This isn't your day is it?" Marrissa observed.
MIKE: ... or your month, or even your year, but...
ALL [singing]: I'll be there for yooooouuuuuu....
TOM SERVO [as Sivics/Sivisc]: Must be a Thursday. Never could quite get the hang of
Thursdays...
> "Computer, terminate communication and explain last response."
CROW [as computer]: I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave....
> The computer replied, but not in the deep bass it had earlier, but in the alto
>like Star Fleet's computers, "Unable to comply, peer has canceled request.
MIKE: Peer? Is Ratliff an engineer all of a sudden?
> Prisoners are not allowed access to Star Fleet Computers."
>Admiral Sivisc began trembling with barely contained anger.
TOM SERVO [as Sivics/Sivisc]: How did they find out that I'm an escaped prisoner?!
> At that Security Officers burst into the room.
CROW [as Michael Palin]: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!
> They quickly disarmed the Romulans and escorted them out.
MIKE: The Romulans screamed in agony as their freshly amputated limbs were left
behind in the Command Center.
> Commander Wesley Crusher entered the room
ALL: [scream in terror]
TOM SERVO [shaken]: Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...
> and addressed Admiral Marrissa Picard, "Admiral we have complete
>control of the starbase."
MIKE [as Marrissa]: Yes, but you didn't do it fast enough, so you'll all have to die.
> "What does Jackie say about the computer systems?" Marrissa asked.
CROW [as Wesley]: Well, she likes Macintosh, but UNIX gives her a lot of problems....
> "They're ok for now, but give her a couple days to finish up the details,"
>Wesley replied. "I don't know why you let little sis' go on this mission."
> "Simple Wes,
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: She was expendable.
> she was the best person for the job," Marrissa responded.
MIKE: Seeing as how everyone else was conveniently dead, injured or forgotten...
TOM SERVO: As far as Ratliff is concerned, youngest equals best.
> "You now have command of that starbase, which we will call Starbase
>Rome One. Congratulations, Commander."
MIKE [as Marrissa]: You've emerged victorious from one of the most boring battles
we've ever had.
> "Thank you, Commander Crusher out."
CROW: Shut up, Wesley.
> Chapter Eight
TOM SERVO: I hope Ratliff thinks that eight is enough!
> Marrissa was going though some of the paper work that came with the job of
>Commanding Admiral, Star Fleet.
MIKE [as Marrissa]: Look at all these resignation letters....
> She had a staff assigned to help her by Quartermaster Mary, daughter of Guinan,
CROW: Jeez, this isn't a fanfic, it's a breeding experiment!
> which made things easier, but their was still
>a lot of paperwork.
MIKE: So much for Microsoft's paperless office...
CROW: Bill Gates must have been too busy building the Borg.
> There was an request from Captain LaForge,
>asking for a commanding officer to be assigned to the second fleet, since Admiral Riker was dead.
TOM SERVO: Lovely. Wanna kill off any more characters, Steve?
> That was one she could handle rather
>quickly. "Computer open a secured channel to Captain Geordi LaForge, Commanding Officer, USS Nova."
> After a moment, Captain LaForge appeared on her desk screen, apparently in his ready room.
MIKE: ... and wearing no pants.
> "Captain LaForge, USS Nova, how can I help you Admiral?"
CROW [as Marrissa]: Get married and have kids. We need more personnel, and you're old.
> "By taking command of your fleet," Marrissa responded. "I'm restoring the rank
>of Commodore, and appointing you to that rank."
> "Admiral, I respectfully request that you find someone else," LaForge responded.
MIKE [as La Forge]: Because I'm defecting to the Romulans... Starfleet's gotten MUCH too
screwed up for me!
> "I've only been a Captain for nine months, and I'm an Engineer anyway. The only
>reason I got command of the Nova was because it was the first off the line, and they
>always assign an Engineer to command the first off the line."
CROW [as La Forge]: That's how we win all the drag races.
> "I know, Commodore,
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: ... but we have to keep up the tradition of promoting people
way too fast around here.
> but you have shown yourself to be more that adequate as a
>Commanding Officer of a Starship," Marrissa responded.
MIKE [as La Forge]: More than adequate. Oh, thank you *so* much, Marrissa. I've
done so little before, but after a compliment like that I'll work *so* hard
to please you....
> "Of a starship, commanding starships and commanding fleets are two different
>things," LaForge replied.
TOM SERVO: Oh, he's sharp.
> "I know, but you've shown that you can do that too," Admiral Marrissa Picard
>replied. "So take command ... or you'll find out why some of my less that adequate
>officers refer to me as 'the Royal Terror.'
MIKE: He already knew why most of the officers called her "The Royal Pain-in-the-Ass"....
> Starfleet out."
>
> Captain Jay Gordon was about to enter his quarters on board the Enterprise. It had
>been a long trip back from Earth. Captain Troi had assisted the Excelsior and the Osaka
>in clearing up some Romulans who had tailed them to Essex on the way in. Who would have
>thought that a former Ship's Counselor would be such a good Commanding Officer?
TOM SERVO: The same person who thought that promoting a twelve year old to Fleet Commander
was a good idea?
> In any case, he had snuck back aboard the Enterprise,
CROW [as Jay]: If I walk around the hallways on my tippy-toes, maybe the computer won't
notice I'm here....
> stopping only to make sure the rocking
>chair made it aboard.
MIKE: So far, that rocking chair is the only thing even remotely worth caring about in
this story. I'm going to miss it when it's gone....
> The door opened. His wife was sitting on a chair, facing away from the door.
>On the sofa was his little brother Jeffery, listening to the story Marrissa was reading.
CROW [as Marrissa, reading]: Her lust for him grew by leaps and bounds as he ran his
firm hands over her heaving bosoms. She could feel the proud evidence of his manly desire....
> Jeffery's eyes went wide,
MIKE [as Jeffery]: I don't like the way you're touching me, Marrissa....
> and he was about to say something when Jay placed his finger across his lip.
TOM SERVO [as Jay]: Don't say anything, Jeffery. Just bury this shameful secret deep
inside you....
>Jeffery nodded slightly. Jay gently set down his duffle and approached Marrissa from
>behind. "Guess who?" he asked as he covered her eyes, stopping the story.
CROW [as Marrissa]: Doctor Johnson! I was hoping you'd come by again! We'd better
hurry before my husband comes home....
> "Jay!" Marrissa exclaimed, removing his hands and standing up to embrace her husband.
> "Miss me?" Jay asked as Jeffery joined their hug.
MIKE [as Jay]: Now you've got to kiss me!
> "Of course," Marrissa replied.
CROW [as Marrissa]: Let me reload and fire again.
> "You're back," came a call from the girls room.
TOM SERVO [as Jay]: What about my back?
> The blond owner, Jacquelynn Gordon, rushed from the room to greet her older
>brother. Behind her at a much slower pace came his wife's sister Jackie Picard.
> "We seem to have acquired a family while I was gone," Jay remarked,
MIKE [as Jay]: Marrissa! Have you been having kids behind my back again?
TOM SERVO [singing]: They're crazy and they're kooky, mysterious and spooky, they're
altogether ooky... Marrissa's family!
MIKE: [holds up his fingers and snaps them twice]
>breaking off from the embrace and steering his wife over to the loveseat. The rest
>of the family returned to thier rooms to get ready for bed.
CROW [as Jackie]: *Sigh*... Come on, kids... let's get outta here before they start
doing it right in front of us....
> "It's good practice," Marrissa commented, her hand on her growing belly.
CROW: Oh, I did *not* need to be reminded of *that*....
TOM SERVO [as Jay]: Great. Another mouth to feed.
MIKE [as Jay]: Wait a minute! I haven't touched you in *months*! How the hell did
*this* happen?!
> "Come up with any new names?" Jay asked.
CROW [as Marrissa]: Edward Truffington Mimsy Borogrove Picard. What do you think?
> "Well for a boy we agreed on Louis Andrew," Marrissa reminded. "I still think
>that Sara would be a good name for a girl."
MIKE [as Marrissa]: Or was it the other way around? I forget....
> "You do realize that means princess," Jay remarked. "Princess Sara is redundant."
TOM SERVO: Kinda like "unreadable fanfic".
> "Unless I become Queen, she won't be a princess," Marrissa stated. "It's an old
>rule, but no one is going to change it."
CROW: Why stop now, Marrissa?
> "OK, I'll relent if you agree to follow the Gordon family middle naming scheme,"
>Jay responded. "Alara would be a nice one."
MIKE: Wow, Stephen's really smooching up to his fellow fanfic writers, isn't he?
> "Agreed," Marrissa responded. "I wonder if Clara and Alex have settled on a name yet."
TOM SERVO [as Jay]: I think they're just going to stick with "Clara" and "Alex".
> "I doubt it," Jackie responded.
CROW [as Marrissa]: Hey! You're supposed to be in bed! Get back to your room and quit
eavesdropping!
TOM SERVO [as Jackie]: But sis, you did it with Lynn....
CROW [as Marrissa]: SHUT UP!!!
> "I heard them arguing about it on the way back from the Computer Core. By the
>way Marrissa, I've finished forming the Kid's Crew you asked for.
MIKE [as Jackie]: The plans are all on the computer in the file marked "Children of the Damned".
> I'd like to be able to reserve some holodeck time for training, but Commander
>Lochard has them all booked solid for the next two weeks."
CROW [as Jackie]: ... with a program called "Porno Pirates From Pluto".
> "I'll see if I can get her to cede some time to you," Marrissa replied.
TOM SERVO: Gee... wouldn't it be nice if Marrissa had a *higher rank* than *Commander*
Lochard, so that she could *ORDER* Lochard to give Jackie some training time?!
> "So you have a higher time than Lynn," Jay commented. "Some how I'm surprised."
> "It's just by a hundredth of a second, brother," Lynn remarked.
MIKE: And somehow, this makes all the difference in the world....
>"And she's welcome to the pressures of command. I'm too busy learning about being an officer."
TOM SERVO [as Lynn]: It may take a whole five more minutes.
> Jay looked at his wife. "So you gave her the full rank," he queried.
CROW [as Marrissa]: Well, she IS toilet-trained....
> "She did successfully command the Wellington during battle," Marrissa defended.
>"That's not easy to do, especially under the circumstances."
MIKE: Especially in this kind of writing.
> "You don't intend for anyone to have a childhood, do you?" Jay asked.
TOM SERVO: Not a good one, anyway.
> "She's almost thirteen," Marrissa justified. "I had just turned 12 when I got my rank."
CROW: And things just kept getting ranker from there....
> "Yeah, Jay," Lynn chimed in. "You had been an ensign four months when you were
>my age. It's not like I've spent my last five years trying to get into StarFleet like
> someone I know."
TOM SERVO: Lynn *definitely* needs to find better people to compare herself to.
> "That's not fair," Jackie chimed in. "I come from a very competitive family."
MIKE: Looks like Ratliff just misspelled "dysfunctional".
> "And you worship your sister like a god," Jay responded.
TOM SERVO [as Jackie]: Well, that's what she *said* she was!
> Jackie slumped. "Don't
>worry, we still love you despite that." He ruffed his sister-in-laws hair which annoyed her.
CROW: So she broke his wrist. Up to his neck.
TOM SERVO: Suddenly I understand why Doctor Johnson keeps finding tangles in their hair....
> "Don't pick on my little sister," Marrissa defended. "If she wants to follow in
>my footsteps, I don't mind.
MIKE [as Marrissa]: After all, someday soon the entire *GALAXY* will be following in
my footsteps! BWAH HAH HAH HAH HAAAAAAA!!!
> It does look like you're choosing your own
>path now though, Jackie."
CROW [as Marrissa]: Just make sure that it's a path *I* approve of....
> "Programming is fun. Chasing down bugs and security breaches is almost a game," Jackie remarked.
TOM SERVO: I think we're getting a little peek into the twisted psyche of the author right here, guys.
> "I still want to command though."
MIKE [as Marrissa]: Awwwwww... isn't that cute? My little sister's got an unquenchable
lust for power too....
> "You two are too alike," Jay commented, about Jackie and his wife.
CROW: It's almost as if they were both one-dimensional characters in a badly written
fanfic or something....
>"What does it take to get you two not to enjoy your duties?"
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: Being in a fanfic where I don't get at least thirty promotions
or don't get crowned the ruler of about half a dozen planets.
> "I refuse to answer that question, on the grounds that it may cause future problems," Marrissa replied.
CROW: The only "future problem" I see is that you're knocked up!
> "As Commanding Admiral Starfleet, you can't order me."
MIKE [as Marrissa]: So THERE! You can't make me, you can't make me! Nyah!
> "Just once, just once I'd like to out rank you," Jay responded.
TOM SERVO: Try not bathing for a while, that'll get you pretty rank....
>"Well Jackie, do you have an answer."
CROW [as Jackie]: Uh... 42?
> "I haven't encountered anything yet, but I'm only twelve and I've only been in
>StarFleet six months," Jackie answered.
TOM SERVO: When has *THAT* ever kept any Kid's Crew member from knowing absolutely
everything?!
> "Ask me again in a couple of years."
MIKE [as Jackie]: I need a little time to strike out on my own and build a galactic empire....
> Epilogue
CROW: WOO HOO! There is light at the end of the tunnel! THE END IS IN SIGHT!!!
TOM SERVO: Don't be too hasty, Crow... remember, Master Ninja had two of these....
> With the capture of Romulan Starbase Nine, the tide of the war had turned.
>From then on Star Fleet held the upper hand. It was sometimes a shaky upper hand,
>but they held it.
CROW [singing]: I wanna hold your upper haaaaaaaaannnnnnddd....
MIKE: As we look back on the events of the war, we now see that the collapse of the
Romulan empire was clearly caused by their failure to keep enough unfinished
ships and museum pieces in reserve to provide an impregnable line of defense.
TOM SERVO: Let that be a lesson to us all.
> Admiral Marrissa Amber Picard held command of StarFleet for the next two months.
>When her baby was born,
MIKE: ... she immediately gave him the Kobayashi Maru test and then ejected him from
the nearest airlock when he failed miserably.
> she turned Star Fleet over to her father once again.
TOM SERVO: It took him years to undo the damage.
> Before that happened, one last hurtle had to be over come.
CROW: The marble throne had to be removed from the Commanding Admiral's office.
> The Klingons do not often stay out of wars.
MIKE [as stand-up comic]: Am I right? Back me up on this one, folks....
> As Marrissa began her systematic takeover of the Romulan Star Empire,
TOM SERVO: Oh, sure. THAT'S right in line with Roddenberry's philosophy....
MIKE: Looks more like Ryan Thomas Jackson's philosophy to me.
>they were debating which side to join. The Cardassians had been about to join the
>Federation at the time of the war's opening. They were debating their position as well.
CROW: Next, on Cardassian Crossfire: missionary vs. female superior!
> That story will be told in Return to Glory,
MIKE: Thanks. I'll be waiting on the edge of my seat. Really.
> along with further adventures of our
>intrepid commander of the USS Enterprise.
TOM SERVO: Oh, and there'll be some stuff in there about Marrissa, too.
>Professor John P. Hereomise III
>Professor of 24th Century History
CROW: I'm guessing he's a professor?
>University of Alpha-Beta Hidroxide University
MIKE: Graduate of Delta-Gamma Sulfide High.
>August 20, 2456
TOM SERVO: Stardate? What's that?
>--
>Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
CROW: Where the English professors are obviously *far* too lenient...
>sratliff@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
MIKE: You know, those stories should be required reading for anyone who even *thinks*
about giving Ratliff a job that involves working with children....
>homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>Index Maintainer as well index/
> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/
>
>ASC Awards run from 2/02/97 to 3/19/97 see alt.startrek.creative for details.
MIKE: And the Little Gold Statue award for the most stupid name in a Ratliff fanfic goes to...
CROW: [imitates the sound of an envelope opening] ENSIGN THROWAWAY, from Away From Home,
Part 1!
TOM SERVO: But Professor Hereomise III is still honored to be nominated.
>"If his words hold wisdom, and his philosphy is honorable, then what does it matter if
>he returns. Perhaps the words are more important than the man."-Ka'less II ST:TNG "Rightful Heir"
MIKE: On the other hand, if it's a Ratliff story, the chances of seeing ANYTHING wise,
honorable or important are pretty remote.
TOM SERVO: [edges over to Mike] Well said. Now let's get OUT of here....
[Mike picks up Tom and they all exit the theater]
[..1..][..2..][..3..][..4..][..5..][..6..]
[Concluded in Part 6]
From: v335ry46@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu (JAREK)
Date: 3 Mar 1997 03:40:16 GMT
Newsgroups: alt.fan.mst3k,alt.tv.mst3k,alt.startrek.creative,rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc
Subject: MSTed: Stephen Ratliff's "Falling Into Command". (6/6)
[SOL]
[Mike and the bots are at the console, looking dejected and tired. The bots are whimpering softly.]
CROW: Okay, Mike, I gotta know... what the *hell* did you do to piss off Dr. Forrester?
MIKE: What are you talking about?
CROW: Well, you show up, and all of a sudden Dr. F's hitting us with big, heaping portions
of Ratliff! The experiments were *never* this bad when Joel was here!
TOM SERVO: WAIT a minute, Crow... what about "Castle of Fu Manchu"? What about "Manos"?
CROW: Okay, they came close, but "Manos" wasn't a twelve-part series! How much of this are
we supposed to *take*?! [Crow bursts into tears.]
MIKE: Crow, listen to me... I know it hurts. I'm sitting right there in the theater
watching the same fanfic as you, buddy! Now I don't know how this guy Joel
was when he was here and maybe Dr. F did have some kind of grudge against
me... but who's been there to help you whenever you needed it? Who
scraped you off the hull before you melted down completely? Huh? I know the
Ratliff is hitting us hard, but don't forget: I helped you get through all the
other Ratliff torture devices, I got you through this one and I'll be here whenever
you need me.
CROW [sniffling]: Thanks, Mike. I really am glad you're here. And I'm sorry I lashed out
like that. Hey, what am I doing bringing everybody down? It's time to party!
We got through another Ratliff story! The experiment's finished, Dr. F is history
and the worst is over!
MIKE: Shhh! Crow, don't say that!
CROW: Why not?
MIKE: Because every time somebody says that, things suddenly get worse!
CROW: They do?
TOM SERVO: Hey guys, something's coming through on the hexfield!
[The hexfield opens to reveal a man who strongly resembles Paul Chaplin. He is wearing a
Starfleet uniform from Star Trek:The Next Generation with the red and black colors of command
officers. He also wears nerdy glasses and a Star Trek:TNG communicator pin. As the hexfield
opens, we see that he has just finished tapping the communicator pin, and is bringing his hand
back down. The background shows a brightly colored room with cute posters on the wall.]
RATLIFF: This is Admiral Stephen B. Ratliff, calling the crew of the Satellite of Love.
Come in, Satellite of Love!
MIKE: See, Crow? What did I tell you?
CROW: Jeez, I'm sorry! How was I supposed to know...
TOM SERVO: Uh, greetings, "Admiral" Ratliff. [snicker] Still excessively pleased with
yourself for getting that rank in your roleplaying group, huh?
RATLIFF: Why yes, Mr. Servo, it certainly is an honor! It is a rank that I claim with
pride, for without my rank...
[spoken simultaneously]
RATLIFF: / ... I am nothing.
<
MIKE & BOTS: \ ... you are nothing.
CROW: What makes you think the rank changes that?
MIKE: Crow! Hush! So, um, Admiral Ratliff...
RATLIFF: Oh please, as one space traveller to another, call me Steve! All the kids do!
MIKE: Okay, Steve, to what do we owe the honor of this... excuse me, did you say "kids"?
RATLIFF: Yes, that's right! I'm calling you from the Ratliff Daycare Center, and I just
wanted to say that...
MIKE: Uh, Steve? Excuse us for a second. Tom?
[Tom tilts so that his hand can reach the console. An electronic beep is heard.]
TOM SERVO: Audio pickup off.
MIKE: Thank you.
[Mike, Crow and Tom all turn towards the camera and scream in terror for an impossibly long time.]
CROW: Oh my God! Oh my God...
TOM SERVO: [shaking his head] Aggida aggida aggida aggida...
MIKE: Crow! Tom! Pull yourselves together! We can't panic now! We have to assess the
situation! Tom, put us back on!
[Tom tilts again to reach the console. The same electronic beep is heard again. Mike,
Tom and Crow all turn back to the hexfield viewscreen.]
MIKE: Uh... sorry, Steve. Just a little... um... trouble on the Satellite that we,
uh... had to deal with. You know how it is. Now, um, did you say that you
were, uh, calling from the Ratliff... D-d-d-day...
RATLIFF: Ratliff Daycare Center, that's right!
[Mike and the bots involuntarily flinch at this.]
MIKE: Yes. That's what I thought you said. And, um, am I to understand that *you*... um,
*work*... in this...
RATLIFF: Why yes, I've been quite happily watching over these children and aiding in their
development for quite some time now!
MIKE: I see. Could I just ask you a question?
RATLIFF: Certainly.
[Mike starts to speak, but Tom Servo interrupts.]
TOM SERVO [hysterically]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN A DAYCARE CENTER
AMONG IMPRESSIONABLE YOUNG CHILDREN, RATLIFF?!?!?
[pause]
MIKE: Well, I was going to put it a little more delicately than that, but...
RATLIFF: Well, you probably already know from reading my stories that I'm very fond
of children.
MIKE: Um, yeah. We kinda figured.
RATLIFF: Well, I got to thinking about what you guys said the last time we talked...
about how I've never really done anything important. It really bothered me,
so I asked myself: "How can I change this? What's the most meaningful thing
that I could do?" And then, suddenly... wham! It hit me! What could be more
important and meaningful than working with little children, helping them to realize
their full potential and be all that they're capable of being?
MIKE: Okay. And that's when you decided to start your own... D-d-d...
RATLIFF: Actually, it's owned by a cousin of mine with the same last name. I told him
how eager I was to work with kids and he hired me on! I must say, this whole experience
has been wonderful and I have you guys to thank for it!
MIKE: Uh huh. Tom?
[Tom leans over to the console. Beep.]
TOM SERVO: Mute.
MIKE: Oh boy. It's as bad as I thought.
CROW: And we gave him the idea! My God, it's all our fault!
MIKE: Crow, none of us could have known that he'd take what we said and run with it in
*this* direction! Working for a daycare center... how could we have guessed?
There's just one slim hope... maybe this foray of his into the real world with
real kids around him has forced him to re-evaluate his ideas and pay attention to reality?
TOM SERVO: Mike... wake up and smell the coffee! You're talking about a man who's standing
there in a *Starfleet* uniform and calling himself *Admiral Ratliff*!!!
MIKE: These things take time, Tom... maybe he's gradually giving up his fantasy world!
Let's find out...[Tom leans over to the console. Beep.]
MIKE: So, Steve, what have you learned from your experiences with little children?
RATLIFF: Well, I've learned that these children need a *lot* of attention... there's
just so much that needs to be done for them! Why, most of these kids haven't
even been allowed to drive a car yet, let alone negotiate a treaty or
command a ship! No wonder these kids don't have a large enough ego in them...
nobody's let them live up to their full potential! Well, I say that these
children have been neglected for far too long! It's about time that they receive
the Kid's Crew training that they deserve!
MIKE: Kid's... Crew... training?
RATLIFF: That's right! How are these kids going to survive in the world of the future
when they've constantly been held back by all the short-sighted, narrow-minded people
around them? But don't worry, all of that is about to change now that the Ratliff
Daycare Center has become the new home of the Kid's Crew Training Academy!
No more just writing and dreaming about a world where kids call the shots and crack
the whips for *me*! No sir! Now it's my job to make sure that this vision of
paradise actually comes true for all to enjoy! Pretty neat, huh?
[Tom Servo is gibbering incoherently as smoke rises from out of the top of his shaking head.]
CROW: [twitching spastically] Visions... of... horror... flooding in! Ego... defenses...
collapsing! Hope... fading! Mental... stabilizers...failing! Shutdown... imminent!
MIKE: Um... yeah. That's really... something. Listen, Steve, I think you may have
forgotten something h here. All this work you're doing at the d-daycare center...
aren't you worried that it won't leave you with enough time to write? You might not be
able to post any more Marrissa stories, and I don't want to see that happen!
CROW & TOM: *WHAT?!?*
[Mike hits the spot on the console that Tom had pressed before. Beep.]
MIKE: Listen, you guys! We're the ones who put this idea into his head! Maybe he'll listen
to us long enough for us to talk him out of it! We've got to try before he does any more damage!
TOM SERVO: But... Mike! Asking Ratliff to write more stories? *MORE* Ratliff stories for Mrs.
Forrester to force us to read?! Do you *realize* what you're *saying*?!?
MIKE: Yes I do, Servo! It's either that, or watch the Earth get turned into a playground for
Ratliff's answer to the Hitler Youth! I think the choice is clear!
CROW: So do I! Let the planet take its chances!
TOM SERVO: Mike, I've got to agree! Those Ratliff stories keep wearing us down more and more
every time! And the Earth can take care of itself, Mike! They're not helpless down there!
MIKE: Guys, that's *my* planet down there! I want to get back to it someday, and I *won't* let it be
overrun by a bunch of Marrissa clones! My mind's made up! If enduring more Ratliff stories is
what it takes to nip this Kid's Crew thing in the bud, then that's what we're going to have to do!
[Mike hits the spot on the console again. Beep.]
MIKE: Steve, I think we spoke out of turn before when we implied that you hadn't done
anything important. Look at your Marrissa stories! They've brought to life a wonderful
new world never before imagined! You've written things that no one ever had the courage
or audacity to write before! Your ideas have challenged social mores and sparked
discussions all over the Internet! You don't have to do this to impress us!
Please, Steve, I'm begging you... go back to writing your stories and leave those
poor kids alone!
RATLIFF: Well, Mike, much as I'd like to go back to writing more thrilling Marrissa adventures,
I'm afraid there's just too much that needs to be done right here! There'll be plenty
of time to write more exploits of the Kid's Crew once these kids and others like them
are out there having adventures of their own! Let me tell you, the Kid's Crew spirit
is a beautiful thing, but it needs to be nurtured and patiently encouraged before it
can reach its full potential! Remember that 7 year old girl who flew a plane all by
herself a while back? Now *there* was a perfect example of the Kid's Crew spirit in
action! Oh sure, she crashed the plane and killed herself, but with the proper Kid's
Crew training, who knows what she could have done? She could have been flying a
commercial jet airliner by the age of 10!
MIKE: Steve, wait a second. Maybe you should...
RATLIFF: And there's so many other examples, Mike! There's the boy who flew a plane in
"San Francisco International"! Doogie Hawser, M.D.! The kids in "Santa Claus Conquers
the Martians"! Short Round in "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom"! Macaulay
Culkin in "Home Alone"! Why, even the Bible says that you must be as a child to
inherit the Kingdom! And how about those kids in that old Star Trek episode who
shook their fists and told the Enterprise crew what to do? Now *there* was a
Kid's Crew that knew how to get things done!
[At this point a buzz is heard through the hexfield, along with the sound of Star Trek
doors sliding open. Then a group of little kids can be heard approaching Ratliff as he
turns his head to the side to look.]
RATLIFF: Ah! Speaking of good Kid's Crews, here comes mine now!
[Ratliff turns to the side the kids are approaching from and stoops down a bit to see
and hear them better. The kids are all wearing little Starfleet uniforms.]
LITTLE BOY: Admiral Steve! Admiral Steve! We got the best Kobayashi Maru time yet!
Eighteen minutes and thirty-five seconds!
RATLIFF: That's wonderful, Cadet Billy! I'm very proud of you! But you're still going
to have to beat twenty minutes and three seconds to be as good as Marrissa!
LITTLE GIRL: Ow! Admiral Steve, Cadet Lisa just pulled my hair and called me a name!
RATLIFF: What did I tell you to do when that happens?
LITTLE GIRL: Oh yeah!
[She runs offscreen then comes back quickly with a pitcher of strawberry juice and pours
it over Cadet Lisa's head.]
CADET LISA: WAAAAHHHH!!!
RATLIFF: Okay, cadets, now go over to the story area! I'll give you some strawberry shortcake and
strawberry juice and read to you about how Marrissa Amber Flores Picard solved that nasty Naklab
problem! The story is called: "Who Q? Where Q?"
CROW & TOM: AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!
MIKE: [shocked] How can he do that to those kids?!
ANOTHER LITTLE BOY: Wait! Admiral Ratliff! We're out of strawberry juice! Cadet Janie dumped it all
on Cadet Lisa's head!
RATLIFF: Hmm... we'll have to get some more. Cadet Todd, what's your score on the Pole Position game
in the daycare center playroom?
CADET TODD: I've got the third highest, why?
RATLIFF: That sounds good enough. Here, take my keys... drive down to the store and get some
strawberry juice.
CADET TODD: Okay!
CROW: What?! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
TOM SERVO: Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!!!
[Right on cue, a loud knocking is heard from the door of the daycare center.]
OFFSCREEN VOICE: Open up! This is the police!
CROW: All right! It's the law! And not a moment too soon!
TOM SERVO: See, Mike? I *told* you Earth could take care of itself!
RATLIFF: All right, cadets, red alert! Everyone man your battle stations! This is *not*
a drill! Prepare to repel adults!
[The kids scramble to their "battle stations" as Ratliff walks to the daycare center door
and opens it.]
POLICE OFFICER: Mr. Ratliff?
RATLIFF: That's *Admiral* Ratliff!
[pause]
POLICE OFFICER: Okay... *Admiral* Ratliff. I'm here to investigate complaints of child
neglect, contributing to the delinquency of minors and endangering the welfare
of children that have been filed against this daycare center....
RATLIFF: But officer, these kids have a Kobayashi Maru time of eighteen minutes and
thirty-five seconds!
[pause]
POLICE OFFICER: That so? Well, in that case, I don't see any problem here. Go about your
business, Admiral. Sorry to have bothered you...
[The daycare center door closes.]
CROW: Wait! Come back! You have to stop him!!!
RATLIFF: See, cadets? I told you it would be all right!
MIKE: Steve? How the hell did you...
RATLIFF: Oh, you'd be surprised what you can get away with here in Roanoke! Well, it's
been fun, but I've got to go... it's story time, after all, and then I've got to
preside over the wedding of Cadets Robbie and Tina. Those kids make such a cute couple!
They're going to be so good for each other! Well, see you later! Live long and prosper!
Admiral Ratliff out!
[Ratliff taps his communications pin, and the hexfield viewscreen closes.]
TOM SERVO: Okay, I admit it. You were right, Mike....
CROW: *Now* what do we do?!
MIKE: There's only one thing left to do. It's a long shot, but right now it's the only shot
we've got....
[Mike hits the Mads button. It lights up.]
MIKE: Um, Mrs. Forrester? We just finished talking with one of your favorite authors
down in Roanoke, and there's something we think you should know...
[Deep 13]
MRS. FORRESTER: [listening to Mike] Uh huh. Uh huh. Well, guys, I appreciate the
concern, but I really wouldn't worry about him taking over the world before my Clayton does.
After all, they're just kids! Why should I worry about my Clayton getting beaten
by a bunch of kids?
[The doorbell for Deep 13 rings at this point.]
MRS. FORRESTER: Excuse me, guys, I'd better go answer that.... [Walks toward the door]
Who is it?
VOICE BEHIND DOOR: Girl Scouts. Would you like to buy some cookies?
MRS. FORRESTER: [heading for the door] Oh, how nice. What kind of cookies do you have?
[Mrs. Forrester opens the door, and looks outside. Someone on the other side of the door
fires a phaser at Mrs. F., and appropriately cheap special effects accompany the shot as
she collapses to the floor. A group of five little girls in Girl Scout uniforms enter
Deep 13, followed by three little boys in Starfleet uniforms. Everyone in the group
is holding a phaser at the ready. One Girl Scout starts giving orders to the other kids.]
GIRL SCOUT: Alpha team, you go that way! Beta team, down that hallway! Use your phaser
to knock out any opposition you encounter. Go!
[Two groups, each composed of two girls and one boy, run off in opposite directions.
The Girl Scout turns to the boy in Starfleet uniform who remains with her.]
GIRL SCOUT: Report in to the admiral.
[The boy taps his communications pin.]
LITTLE BOY: Admiral, our teams are now inside Deep 13. Mrs. Forrester has been
neutralized, and we expect to have the entire facility secured very soon.
RATLIFF [over comm pin]: Very good, my Kid's Crew! Now listen closely... our new
Chief Engineer has something he wants to say to you.
DR. FORRESTER [over comm pin]: Hello, Untamed Youths! Make sure that you don't
damage any of the lab equipment... I'm sure you'll find a great many things
down there that can be used to make any adults that stand in your way
completely useless! Oh, and if you're listening, Mother... remember
when I told you that I'd be ruling the world without your help? Well,
look who was right... AGAIN! [Dr. F. laughs in his patented Evil Mad
Scientist way... loudly, triumphantly and diabolically.]
RATLIFF [over comm pin]: That's right, my children! Soon you'll have no obstacles
between you and your rightful place as world dominators! Congraduations, all of you!
Admiral Ratliff out.
[The Girl Scout turns menacingly and points to the camera.]
GIRL SCOUT: And as for you jokers up there... you who would *mock* the achievements of the Kid's
Crew and its beloved Admiral Ratliff...how does the thought of spending the rest of your natural
lives up there reading about the glorious conquests of the Kid's Crew make you feel?! There's one
small difference, though... the next Kid's Crew adventures that you will be forced to read will
*NOT* be works of fiction!
[The Girl Scout throws back her head and laughs maniacally.]
GIRL SCOUT: Push the button, Cadet Frank!
[The boy in Starfleet uniform pushes the button.]
[The screen shrinks to a dot.]
[Closing credits]
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and
(c) 1997 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement
on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
Thanks go out to:
STEPHEN B. RATLIFF, who takes the biblical injunction "And I will give children to be their
princes, and babes shall rule over them." (Isaiah 3:4) MUCH too literally. Without him,
none of this would have been possible.
MY CO-WRITERS, for their time, their humor, their insights and their ideas.
NEURON96@IX.NETCOM.COM, for providing inspirations for the Deep 13 portions of the opening
and closing host segments (along with a little help from Trace's answers at the
Conventio-Con 2's Q&A session...).
DAVID CONNER, for helping to develop my idea for the Tom Clancy host segment.
MR. B TORGO, who won a well-deserved award at Conventio-Con 2 by scaring the living
daylights out of most of the people in the ballroom, and thereby inspired the
Mr. B Ratliff host segment.
MIKE BARKLAGE, for putting a host segment in "Time Speeder" (the best damn Stephen
Ratliff MSTing so far, IMHO) that inspired the Ratliff Daycare Center.
THE SCI-FI CHANNEL, for providing the chance to MSTify "Day The World Ended" live via IRC
and for moving its logo to satisfy some of its newly acquired MST3K viewers.
BEST BRAINS, INC., for keeping the MST3K dream alive in the face of yet another cast re-arrangement.
BILL CORBETT, the rookie who stepped up and executed to the best of his ability after
Best Brains lost their veteran center Trace Beaulieu to free agency.
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> "Jeffery was quite fascinated with my equipment. I promised to give him a tour sometime.