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I've found myself gravitating away, really withdrawing from some straight people or friends, emotionally. I think by now I am kind of over this.. issue that always presents.
When queer people around me talk about their romantic life, it is pretty wholesome. "He smiled and said I am cute, does that mean he likes me?" "She gifted me flowers and chocolates and calls me her wife, do you think she likes me back or does she mean it in a friend way?" and the typical hilarious, sweet stuff that makes you laugh and cheer for them. It's joyful and easy, energizing convos. Even the less good stuff is still okay to deal with.
When the straight women talk about their crushes and relationships, it's a stark contrast to me. "He ignored me for 3 days and made fun of my weight, but he likes me, right?" "When we have sex, he isn't looking at me, but at his phone where he watches porn." "He told me he would break up with me if I don't blow him." "When we are around other women, he acts like I don't exist and he told his ex we aren't together."
It's just so.. draining. So awful. I don't want to watch as my friend always endures toxicity. I don't want to always discuss this and give the same advice over and over again. I know that being a lesbian always makes you the #1 person straight women choose to dump their boyfriend issues to, sprinkled with "I wish I wasn't attracted to men", but oof.
With queer friends, I see them flourish and shine and enter something great. When I talk to straight women friends, I have to worry about their mental and physical safety all the time and I am slowly losing them.
I am tired of always having to go over texts and situations with them, trying to analyze if the dude is dangerous, cheating, lying, and really loves them and doesn't just keep them around for the sex. I am tired of seeing how insecure it makes them. They turn from someone confident and comfortable you can have great talks with into someone who sends five 10 minute voice messages debating what a specific insult meant he said when he was angry, or what the comment he left under another girls image meant, or if it's normal or not to take 4 hours to reply. They are always worrying and their thoughts always circle back to specific conversations and situations with the guy. It becomes their only hobby and the only thing they can talk about. They obsessively check their messages, their partners phone, the partners social media and who he follows, will check how long he takes to reply.. exhausting. Terrible.
We'll message and it's about the guy, we'll meet up and it's about the guy. I cheer her up, because of the guy. And it is useless to try and steer the conversation away from that, because there is simply nothing else going on for them anymore, and I can tell they really need to let it out and I wanna be a good friend.
Not even the women who consume a lot of "feminist dating" TikToks are safe from this. They will use the language (vetting, high value man, talking about not wanting to date broke guys, if he wanted to he would etc.) but do not apply it. My last friend I drifted away from was like this. There were lots of red flags - basic incompatibilities (about lifestyle and drugs), disrespectful behavior, feelings for the ex and refusal to cut contact with her, porn addiction and making lewd comments about other women in front of her, among others - and she would minimize it by "don't worry, I am still vetting him".
The "vetting" is meaningless if you are too deep in to leave. After knowing him for 3 months and going official, you are not vetting anymore. She tells herself with this that she can always still leave but chooses not to, when that obviously isn't the case.
All that simply ruined the friendship (going for a year at that point) for me. One guy. 4 months. Even though otherwise we were great friends to eachother.
Because I knew it wasn't gonna get better. She isn't gonna break things off. The dude was marginally better than the physically abusive ex, so they usually tend to hold on to that, I know this already and it makes sense. When the breakup happens, the next guy will come along and the rodeo starts again, and we're down to discussing monogamy and emotional cheating until 2am again and the 3rd discussion that week if she is "too jealous" or not. Her taste will not improve, and the dating pool won't either, with all of the alpha male and PUA podcasts out there at this point. She'll look at the staged, hyperemotional TikToks about how the right man will splurge on her and be rich and do a lot and to "not settle for less", and then date guys who only do 50/50 and will want the 3 Euro back he had to lend her one time - and then becomes resentful and insecure about him because of it. And all this happens lots out there, this isn't a special case, this isn't necessarily her fault.
What's really dicey is that usually, they also expect me to meet the guy after all this and stay normal. Why would I wanna meet this man? He replaced their entire personality, eats away at our friendship treats them like dirt. Not to mention, men often tend to act inappropriately towards me because I look straight, conventionally attractive, and have similar interests as them. They often see their girlfriends - my friends! - as the typical stupid girly girl that isn't a whole person, who only likes shoes and shopping (wrong), someone that they have to endure because they want sex. But they will see me as the mythical creature of woman who is also a person... because I like gaming, or pen & paper, or know stuff about building PCs - or whatever interests they have that we share that they deem masculine. Their reaction is always "you're not like the other girls"-ing me, putting me on a pedestal, and makes it uncomfortable for everyone.
I really don't want to meet guys who I heard so much bad things about already, someone my friend already complained about having a wandering eye in regards to other women, and then risk he is gonna be inappropriate towards me and make everything awkward and even worse in the friendship.
The cherry on top is when they lose themselves completely as their own person and always take their partner everywhere. They won't show up on their own, will cancel last minute on anything because "he doesn't wanna go now". You can't meet that person without their partner also always being there even if they don't live together. Unannounced, even. You think you'll meet them at their home alone and then he is there too. Yuck.
I also see so many people disappearing into relationships and dropping their entire friend groups and its little traditions and meetings, and then only reemerge when there's a fight in the relationship or it's over. It's heartbreaking to see.
It makes me not even want to invest emotionally in friendships with straight women much, because there often is at least one guy in their life that causes all this, and if he isn't there yet, he will be, and then it all goes down the drain. I know there are many great people out there who are lucky with men, who stay their own person and do not neglect their friends, but they are not that easy to find for me. I am really grateful though for the very few straight couples I know that have been dating for a very long time and are doing really well. Sometimes I wish I had aroace people in my circle too, though.
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