💾 Archived View for evilswampmonster.flounder.online › april2023.gmi captured on 2023-04-27 at 07:28:43. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
⬅️ Previous capture (2023-04-26)
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thought about how fucked up it is that my mom is a conservative but i still love her so much and cried (menstruation related?) and then i saw a thirst trap of saul goodman and felt better. is it normal to think he's a little hot or is it niche? lmk
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broke no menstruation april :/ i used to get such inconsistent periods up until pretty recently and i feel like im still adjusting to them at 22 years old. lol
nervous about conference presentations. imposter syndrome is imposter syndroming
i think ill go to the concert this thursday. i rlly struggle to go to things after my classes bc after 3 hours i usually just want to go home and vegetate. but ill be so busy this weekend and next week and i want to feel good community energy !
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i feel like i havent floundered in forever. hello again flounderers :)
updates:
-had a real nice time on wednesday with new(ish) friends seeing lucky shells and a couple of other bands :)
-cried in my car for an hour after a really intense therapy session on friday. i love my new therapist so much.
-my sister and her bf came in town this weekend and it was great. i miss her. we talked for a long time last night about gossip and work and how i designed the perfect society while high. it's nice to talk about your parents and have everything be understood.
-i have so much work to do this week. i have so much finals prep and a bunch of essays & im also trying to find another job before summer. i also have two conference presentations this week, and ive never even presented at a conference before. they require a lot of prep. im intimidated! i also have to miss the splash pad show and the sorority house show this week bc ill be out of town :( bummed about that
-on top of all of this i still am doing a lot of emotional caretaking for the person i mentioned in my last post. it's getting really exhausting. they consistently step over boundaries and need constant reassurance nonetheless. this person takes up so much of my time and energy that working or putting energy into any other social interaction feels more difficult. i wish they would just deal with their issues in therapy!
sorry for the downer ending and the very long update! i hope everyone is having a nice night.
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like 12:30 am:
love the moon. she's full of love
12:29 pm:
having the first real peaceful day in a long time. the last few days have been a blur-- ive been rushing to finish a thousand tiny assignments for my lab and my classes and someone im related to has needed a Lot more emotional care these last few days.
when this person in my life needs my help i feel drained. i love them. but they need help that i cant give them and i know that they probably wont ever go to a professional for it. there's a support group for people in my situation once a week at my old preschool. weird that it's there.
i want to watch a nature documentary and get super high
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floundering in class! i am rebellious and unstoppable
had a job interview this morning for trader joe's. this is probably dumb but ive decided to apply exclusively to jobs where the prospect of doing them doesn't make me want to die. might be a tall order but trader joe's fits the bill. even though the store itself is cold something about the place is warm. one of the very few externally nice examples of american capitalism (though im sure they nuke baby bears or something at some point in their production process).
i want to go to a sorority house show this week. i have a class on thursday but my professor just reads off of slides the whole time in class anyway and i have access to the slides, so i don't feel bad about skipping it. also want to go to a show under an overpass on wednesday. the spring sun and warm weather is making me feel social and motivated. like a plant.
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had a lot of fun at a birthday party for a cat last night (if you're reading this, happy birthday freya!)
this morning i helped my parents with some yard work. i used to hate yard work so much as a kid but now i think it's nice to be working outside and with my body. i think i needed the sun too.
ive noticed that my horoscope has said pretty consistently that i mix up intensity with intimacy, and i think that's really true for me. trying to teach myself to appreciate little moments and peaceful connections without expecting inherent tension!
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drew a mini zine panel thing last night. it was the first time ive sat down and made art since finishing my last painting class in december. it was great to have the time to do big and time-intensive art, but letting my art be small and cartoon-y and not for a grade is freeing.
ive been itching to do something new creatively though. i think it would be cool to direct and shoot a short film ive been thinking about for a while this summer, but idk where to start! ill work on a script and maybe it'll stay just a script. and that's fine. process > destination.
i have a class tonight that is very boring but after that i think ill go to the concert at the splash pad :)
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10:33 PM
my class ended up running almost half an hour late and i was exhausted so i decided to just come home. ive been not going to a lot of things that i want to go to lately just because in the moment i feel shitty or tired. setting an intention to follow through more when i set plans for myself
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i heard that the open mic night was great!! great job @ everyone who read ur poetry-- im sure u guys did a rlly good job :) sorry i couldn't be there!
i found out this morning that i got a scholarship job that i really wanted but didn't think i would get so im excited about that. it'll be too much to handle with a full-time job, so ig im relieved that i get to stop looking for one. i interviewed for one yesterday and it was a 9-5 job with a weekend shift every other week at a minimum and regular holiday shifts...yikes. it's also been super hard to find a job that isn't sales, intense caregiving, or requires 5 years of experience. gonna look for less intense jobs now, like coffee shop jobs and stuff like that. my perfect job would be somewhere with baked goods and a good community vibe.
was able to successfully take a photo of cows a couple of days ago without a shotgun getting pulled on me! it's the little things
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migraine + period starting = not a nice feeling :/ considering missing the open mic night tonight but i don't think im contagious and i missed the last big event i wanted to go to. ive also been sick so much lately-- maybe it's because ive been working with kids? idk. weirdly i wish i could go swimming which usually is like, the opposite of what i want to do when im not feeling great. i wish i had a swimming hole to go to like they have in 70s teen movies
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hungover! yay. my worst hangover symptom is almost always the emotional side-- i get really bad hangover anxiety. i also have a toothache out of nowhere. but im going to eat pasta tonight with nate :)
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