💾 Archived View for bugleague.flounder.online › journol › day2day.gmi captured on 2023-04-27 at 07:27:39. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
⬅️ Previous capture (2023-04-26)
➡️ Next capture (2023-05-24)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
April 26
I feel better today. Not quite a “We’re back” but close enough. Last night went out with moth baby and uncle altoid which was very good. Today i went to the senior engineering symposium and i had a good time talking with my peers and some of my professors. Open bar. Looking around at all the SLU people i had some regrets of not reaching out enough socially at this school. Which made me worried about making friends in chicago again. Idk. I get in my own way a lot, i know people like me when i make an effort. I was freaking out yesterday and idk why. I am really excited about my future. I guess I’m just scared of being wrong about this being the right move for me. Which is a possibility but. Idk. I’ve got big plans and they’re vague enough to accommodate whatever comes next. But I’m progressing towards my goals. And i think that my goals are good. Some of them are secrets, but my main one, the one I’m excited about the most, is to be happy. I’ve already got a pretty good start on that one. I feel prepared for anything. Even something really crazy and unexpected. I’m just like the goat from hoodwinked in that way.
April 25
TLDR; today is an “It’s So Over” day
I’m feeling bad. I don’t know why. I just am. My therapist cancelled on me bc he was sick. But i had already saved up all the things i was going to say, and they’re floating around in my head now. I’m in such a weird place right now. I’m Almost done with all of the things I’ve been using as excuses not to live. Almost. And I’m getting frustrated with a lot of them. And scared about what’s next. I never see it coming when i sabotage myself. I’ve been jumping back and forth wildly between being excited for the time in my life I’ve been waiting five years for, and terrified that every move i make is a mistake. Lots of back and forth recently. Im worried about losing my friends. I’ve lost contact with people close to me many times over, for different reasons. And I’ve internalized it in a way that i don’t think is healthy. Im worried everyone feels like im abandoning them. And i also know in my chest that if i don’t move away it will seriously hurt me. I don’t know. Im anxious. I don’t like saying goodbye and communicating with the people i love has always been a weakness for me. I think more than anything i need some space to calm the fuck down. And it’s Coming. School just keeps me wound so tight and while im still in it i just can’t let go of that constant stress. I think it’s a part of me. But i don’t think it needs to be. I’m worried that I’m not as good of a friend as my friends are to me. But i don’t know how to be better. I think that posting all of this is gross but i needed to write it down so i wouldn’t cry in the office rn. I’m fine. I will write something happy later to balance out.
April 20, 2023
3PM
Trying to square my belief that being competitive is stupid and it’s bad for me to compare myself to others with the fact that i just keep on winning and beating other people. I’m sorry to all of you losers, i truly am.
1 PM
I’m ashamed to admit that I’m no longer the worlds best weed smoker. I’m reformed.
April 18, 2023
9 AM is
Took my medicine for my stomachaches when they get really bad and i use them sparingly bc i don’t get a refill. But i always forget that they make me drowsy and sort of high. Anyways I’m IN the office.
7 AM
I should have slept 100 years. I feel bad. I’m at work.
April 17, 2023
11PM
I want to go to sleep for 100 years. But when i woke up i would probably get so sad about all the stuff i missed. So maybe instead i will just sleep for a normal amount.
10 AM
I feel like I’ve been sick all year. I haven’t been fully normal for more than a couple weeks at a time. Sucks!! I don’t know what to do about it.
April 16, 2023
7 PM
i have four computers plugged in on my desk. One of these fucking machines has my images on it. I am going to retrieve them. They are all sort of broken but i am a genius so I’ve finally figured out how to access my files. It’s my brothers birthday. I feel sort of sick today. I took my big test and i think it went well. Had fun time drinking with my friends to celebrate on Friday. Then i played cyberpunk all day Saturday. Looking through all of my old pictures makes me feel more like myself. At times i forget that the present moment is not eternal. I’ve always been myself for as long as i can remember. Before that, i bet i was something else.
April 13, 2023
8 AM
Listening to Blaze Foley at the office. They just put out an extended version of his live album from the Austin outhouse. I love listening to him talk between songs. He just said “I don’t want to go anywhere dogs can’t go”. He reminds me of myself in a lot of ways, some just imaginary. Makes me sad, makes me happy. RIP
April 12, 2023
11PM
If i don’t pass this exam i will become seriously unwell. I’m getting kind of worried. I can retake it as soon as i want but it costs almost $200 and then i would also have to deal with the shame of telling all of my respected colleagues and mentors that i have failed. So the plan is to not do that. But my head hurts so I’m packing it up for the night. I don’t have much time at all to study tomorrow and there’s a lot of material i didn’t cover. My Scared Meter is nearly full.
8PM
Just checking in to remind you that i will NOT be posting at all today. So if you see any posts from me, that’s not true. You’re mistaken, because I’m studying so. That’s not happening. I got my assignment done and my professor lent me the calculator he used when he took his exam years ago and he told me he had no doubts i would pass which was so heartwarming. But i really need to review my structural analysis and design, which is what I’m doing right now. Not posting. I wish i was at the underpass show. Ok
9 AM
I need to study today, and i need to do my taxes, and i need to submit an assignment for my River Engineering class. I will do all of these things and i will NOT write a bunch of just okay poems on flounder and i will NOT tweet again. I promise.
April 10, 2023
10PM
Just when i thought i couldn’t win any more. I had an incredible day today. Watched succession with princess-jesus and this weeks episode was so crazy even tho i had it spoiled. My brother FaceTimed me to ask for math help while i was there which was very funny. And then i played Drive by Incubus 30 times on the ride home. At which point my sister told me that my father has chosen, on his own, to go to therapy and he really enjoyed it and is going to go again in two weeks. I’m so proud of him it’s hard to express. I was beginning to lose faith in his capacity to change and to try something new to solve his problems. I am so hopeful for him. I love that guy. I am going to be very busy this week studying for my FE Exam but i can’t shake my overwhelming sense of confidence. I feel like I’m on the right path and i feel like i am in control. I feel fucking powerful lately, which is cool and awesome. I’m gonna win.
4PM
Had sort of a stellar morning. Watched some more BEEF, then i went on a jog in the park and listened to the soundtrack and worked out. Showered and made myself some lunch and began studying for my Big Exam on Friday. Feeling very confident and powerful today. Unstoppable.
April 9, 2023
11PM
Went over to play some music with unclealtoid. Played some wednesday songs we’ve been practicing and got fixated on the idea of a Wednesday cover band called Thursday. unclealtoid had some really insightful things to say about family which was really nice to hear and talk about. I love my friends.
2PM
Didn’t go to my uncles house. I’m listening to the Despicable Me song now. Another win on the books for me.
10AM
Downloaded a soundboard app.
9AM
Went to the park for a long time yesterday with friends. Fun fun fun fun. Now it’s Easter. I. Have complicated feelings about spending time with my family. My aunts and uncles and grandparents just make me sad mostly. I feel like they do not really engage with me, nor are really interested in doing so. Yet any time I’m not at a family event or something, i get guilt tripped. It’s like they don’t really want me there but they’re mad at me for not coming. I find i don’t really have anything to say to most of them. They’ve already asked me all the questions they know to ask, and it feels like we’re both repeating ourselves. I fear that if i was not already a part of this family, most of them would not like me at all. I hate the way that family feels like obligation sometimes. Because i do love my family and want to spend time with them. But i don’t feel I’m ever given the option to do so of my own volition. Sort of i just feel like there’s not room for me in this family. Egg Hunt. Easter Bunny. Peeps.
April 7, 2023
6PM
I’ve just received an award for Worst Grocery Buyer. What’s important here though is not how bad I am at it, and not how much everyone was pointing and laughing at me when i checked out, and not even that I didn’t make a list and therefore didn’t get any of the things I really needed. The important part is that i bought groceries at all. This is huge. My winning streak continues.
4PM
Lied down for a minute. Then i slept for 5 hours. Wish i hadn’t done that. I’m still tired anyhow. Stupid
11AM
last nite was fun. Saw lots of lovely people at the splashpad show then i crashed at big-green-girl’s. Thursday night babey.
April 6, 2023
12PM
Nailed an interaction where my boss asked me what I’ve been doing (thanks walker) and they actually gave me something to do, something i can chew on and feel smart about. And also some excel stuff. I love my job when they let me do it.
8AM
at work floundering. They haven’t given me anything to do today but i don’t want to go ask anybody. Found out we got a week extension on an assignment i thought i needed to do by midnight tonight. So basically I’m chilling. Anybody want to hang tonight.
April 5, 2023
7PM
I went on a walk in the park because it was cool and cloudy out and i was wearing a cool outfit. I sat and watched some ducks for a while and ran into Abbie. Then i walked around a bit more. At the advice of some trusted friends of mine, i went barefoot for a while. It was really nice. I always have my shoes off when i go out to my grandparents cabin by the creek, but i don’t do it much when I’m home. The feel of the grass and twigs and pine needles and clovers and mud and water between my toes was healing i think. Sometimes when i go on a walk, i feel driven by some other force. Some part of me that knows where I’m supposed to go. And I’ve gotten in the habit of listening. It always feels right. So i guided myself through a field and between some trees, found an immaculate stump in a clearing on a hill and had a sit for a minute. When i felt it was time to get up i wandered and looked at the ground to make sure i didn’t step on anything i wasn’t supposed to. And i looked down and there was a rabbit foot right where i was about to step. After texting my friends to make sure it wasn’t completely weird, i picked it up and stuck it in my pocket. I continued my walk and had some pleasant thoughts and feelings. Then i went home. I looked up some stuff online and began to prepare the rabbit foot for curing so that i could preserve it and hold onto it for good luck. It’s in a jar of alcohol now, where it will stay for the next 48 hours before the next step. I think this means something.
5:30PM
I lost a couple journal updates, i guess i didn’t save them. I stopped being scared btw. If you take an edible and go to the park there will be friends there. Had a weird day at work yesterday and gave a presentation and got home in time to watch succession with princess-jesus. I don’t remember what else i said in my post last night but that’s the gist. Had a good day today it is the kind of weather i like the most. Good temp.
April 4, 2023
4 PM
I’m scared
April 3, 2023
10PM
The zine open mic was very special. I cried a lot, and princess-jesus saw me crying at the most embarrassing time (when Groot was just talking like a normal ass guy before the poetry even started). It means a lot to me to see people sharing the things they made. It's something thats so hard for me to do and it makes me so proud and emotional. I think it's sort of like how my mom cries every time she sees a parade. It means something. Other notable cries were: rowen conry's poem for love AND duke nightboy reading the arch one, oli's egg poem, afterwards when i looked at a book with a sad looking dog on the cover, and right now thinking about the other times i cried. I sort of feel like im winning when I'm crying because I was really sad for a really long time without crying at all and it was starting to scare me. Healthy emotional release. I love my friends a lot. I want to submit something for the next zine (even though I am SCARED). I want to tell Rowen how much I love the stuff he makes every single time I see him but I gotta stay normal about it. Luckily I can write about it here, privately. I don't know what to do when someone gives me a compliment, and conversely I don't really know how to give other people compliments so I usually just blurt it out if I manage to say anything at all. Good job everybody. I'm going to try and play some guitar about how I feel right now. I wish I had always played guitar I think it would have helped me a lot when I was younger. <3
3PM
Yesterday was a good day. Woke up earlyy to go to see Hope start the marathon, then me and Helen drove around a bunch trying to keep up with Hope to make some pit stops and cheer her on. It was fun but we got turned around a lot due to the fact that you can't drive on the roads where people are running. Weird. Reminded me of how car-centric this place is. Goblin came along and I could tell she was fed up with all the driving around and overwhelmed by the people running, but she was a good sport. Went home after Hope finished and showered, then took the dog to my parents. My brother was in town still, so I stayed for lunch and hung out at home for a bit. In a shocking turn of events, I brought up climate change. I love talking about this with my family because they no longer try to argue with me about anything. They just take me at my word because I've proven that this is something I know and care a lot about. It gives me hope about making progress budging them on some other political stuff, but it's nice to have this one thing at least that my dad thinks I'm right about. We had a very pleasant conversation about the pacific ocean garbage patch and he got fixated on this idea that I think is so funny. He wants to write a tv show or movie where Oil executives and figureheads responsible for climate change and pollution are forced to live on Trash Island and deal with the consequences of their actions. He wants me and my brother to send him ideas and he wants to write something. I whole-heartedly support this idea, not only because it is a premise that I think you could get some good comedic mileage out of, but also because he is trying to develop some hobbies and find better outlets for his anger. I love it when we agree on something politically, when I'm able to frame something in terms of "look at this fucking scam" he usually gets it, and I think the biggest gap between our beliefs is the information that he has access to and the perspectives that he is surrounded by, especially on Facebook. Anyways i had a good convo with my dad about something I care about, which is cool. After I left, I went straight to the park and drank a bunch of beers with my friends. Again I must say, I love them all so much. It was a good time, and I was still able to get home and sober up enough to finish an assignment I had already decided to take an L on.
Today I woke up and ate breakfast and did my best to get some shit done. Mondays are usually busy for me but I'd really like to go to the zine open mic. I care about the stuff my friends make! Went to class and got some stuff done. Now I just gotta finish this report so I'll have some time this evening.
April 1, 2023
7 PM
Me and Gob went over and hung out with idi and Beck. Good time