💾 Archived View for tilde.pink › ~covetedfish › gemlog › no_change.gmi captured on 2023-04-26 at 14:25:35. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
⬅️ Previous capture (2023-01-29)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The folowing is from roughly a year ago. It is pretty striking how much nothing has changed. Despite moving across the country and starting graduate school-- nothing has changed. You really can't run from yourself.
My room freaks me out. When I come in alone after a long day, the anxiety sets in immediately. I feel stuck, lonely, scared. It's so sad because I looked forward to this room so much. All summer I dreamed of having my own space and filling it with things that brought me joy. I thought I'd be able to find peace when I had my own space, space to grow, space to breathe. But instead of growing to fill the space, I let the space grow to fill me.
Maybe part of the issue is that it is so cold. How can a room be a home when it is freezing? I just tried to turn the heat on. Maybe that will fix my life.
My addiction to [[tv]] has become so bad that when I needed to calm my nerves earlier today, I considered taking a shot as a substitute. In the moment, alcoholism seemed like a healthier alternative.
I sincerely do not know whether or not this is true. I certainly feel like everyone hates me, but I am very persuasive and not to be trusted. But it really does feel like no one actively seeks me out as a friend. Though, I realized that in order for that to happen, you need to do two things: make yourself accessible, and already have reached a critical mass of friends. No one will try to be your friend if you are never around and don't seem desirable.
I really don't think I'm just regressing to my old fixation on friendship and obsession with proving my worth through having a lot of friends. This time the reason that I feel so deeply that I need more friends is not ego-driven at all. This time I really feel like I need the support, and that I won't survive without it.