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2013-09-13 06:03:17
Ronald Alsop
Excessive stress has robbed many employees of their resilience and
self-control.
With their companies understaffed, professionals these days face heavier
workloads than ever, so it s no wonder if many workers feel like bursting into
tears or lashing out at a colleague.
If you re working all the time and have no time for contemplation and
pleasure, it s going to trigger explosive reactions, said Anne Kreamer, author
of It s Always Personal: Emotion in the New Workplace.
But instead of exploding, it s probably safer to take a deep breath and hold
those emotions in check. Even as many employers have become more casual about
dress codes and work schedules, open displays of emotion are still generally
frowned upon. Tears or temper tantrums can make both bosses and peers
uncomfortable and stigmatise employees, especially women, as weak, unstable or,
even worse, manipulative.
Yet there are exceptions, depending on the situation and the individual, when
showing emotion can evoke a sympathetic or even positive reaction.
Millennial challenges
Millennial generation workers, who are in their 20s and early 30s, are
particularly prone to expressing themselves in public, whether on Facebook or
at the office. Employers frequently report that young people sob, stomp their
feet or even resign on the spot when they feel frustrated.
Crying can actually make a man seem warmer and more compassionate, enhancing
his reputation.
That s partly because of their youthful immaturity, but their reactions also
stem from feelings of entitlement and their strong aversion to rejection and
criticism. In fact, to prevent an outburst, some employers are careful to
balance negative and positive comments in performance reviews of volatile
millennials.
Recognising the growing pressures employees face, the American Management
Association is offering a Managing Emotions in the Workplace seminar this
fall with emotional millennials as prime candidates for the course.
There s confusion in people s minds, especially the younger generation, about
how to conduct yourself in the new open offices where the membrane between your
work and personal life has become so porous and the protocols aren t clear,
Kreamer said. As people try to figure out the new norms, it s an opportunity
to set a new tone so people don t freak out over an occasional display of
emotion.
When you shouldn t cry
Attitudes toward emotional expression depend partly on the industry and
corporate culture. Creative businesses that value individuality, for instance,
tend to be more tolerant of temperamental employees. But new research shows
that self-control is clearly the best policy at most companies.
The only times crying is really acceptable in a professional work situation is
when you ve had a personal loss, such as a death in the family, and when you re
crying in private, said Kimberly Elsbach, a management professor at the
University of California, Davis, who recently conducted a study of crying in
the workplace. But if the crying is public and related to work, such as
feeling overwhelmed, being attacked in a meeting or having a fight with the
boss, it isn t acceptable.
There is one notable exception: Men.
Crying can actually make a man seem warmer and more compassionate, enhancing
his reputation. In her study, Elsbach analysed employee perceptions of more
than 100 crying incidents. Reactions were mostly negative to the women who
cried, but of the nine men who cried, eight were viewed positively for showing
their humanity.
One study found that men with moist eyes but no flowing tears were
considered attractive to women because they simultaneously demonstrated their
sensitivity and self-restraint, said Ad Vingerhoets, professor of clinical
psychology at Tilburg University in the Netherlands.
People especially scorn women, who are more likely to cry than men. Weeping
women often get written off as hysterical and unprofessional, and they usually
feel ashamed about their loss of control. Colleagues are especially critical
when women cry after not getting what they wanted.
They re seen as manipulative, even though I would say that 99.99% of the time,
they really can t control it, said Elsbach, who cries easily herself.
In a study of 37 countries, Vingerhoets found that women in developed Western
economies cry much more than men and more than women in nations where women
have fewer rights. Contrary to his expectations, he also found that women cry
more in colder climates, such as the Scandinavian countries and Iceland.
The negative perceptions of women aren t necessarily fair. Men are socialised
from an early age to stifle tears and keep their composure. But girls are
rarely encouraged to suppress their emotions as they re growing up. Researchers
also have found that women cry more than men and more profusely because of
differences in tear ducts and hormones.
Pounding the table
The double standard can carry over to other types of emotional outbursts at
work. Men who yell and pound on the table may heighten perceptions of their
status and leadership potential. But women in senior positions need to come
across as even-keeled, Elsbach said. Studies have found that observers
attribute women s anger to an internal lack of control, but believe external
factors set men off.
For men, the greater the power, talent and personal accomplishments, the more
they can get away with, whether they re a coach, politician or chief executive
officer. Research shows that the more power they have, the more they believe
the rules don t apply to them and they can yell or cry, said Robert Sutton, a
professor at Stanford University and the author of Good Boss, Bad Boss. If you
re as talented as Steve Jobs, maybe you can get away with it.
He noted that when Jobs ran Apple, he used his emotions strategically,
belittling some people while charming others, such as influential technology
writers. But you better keep winning if you re going to shout and treat people
like dirt, Sutton said.
Sutton believes people should be compassionate if a co-worker infrequently
weeps or shouts.
We should be allowed to show our humanity every now and then, he said. But
you have to remember that your employer is paying you for some degree of
emotional regulation, so having some control will probably get you further in
your career.