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I write this page not having checked if my little site is still being hosted after a few months of no activity, I hope it is. I never intended to spend so much time idle, but I'm sure you know that health is an unpredictable thing. Mainly what I wanted to talk about today is that at the moment I am making changes that will hopefully enable me to write more - which is exciting to me.
I like writing; creative, informal (like these letters I guess), but also academic - which is what I want to talk about next. I think there is something empowering in being able to write in a way that someone can read and understand a little bit about me, my thoughts and feelings. Maybe it makes me feel a little less isolated.
I'm a mature student, about two thirds of the way through a Criminology and Law degree. For me studying has played an important role in managing my health. I could talk all day about my sob story and why it's so important, but for the sake of both our sanity's; as with writing I find my education to be empowering, perhaps for similar reasons as with writing more generally - I find strength in the idea of making myself heard and understood, even if only by one person.
So it was difficult last year when I had to make the decision to defer the module I was on because of how much my health was impacting my course. I felt that being away from university would damage my health, but that continuing would result in me screwing up my degree all together, which I figured was far more harmful overall.
I am now trying to make the decision on whether to return to my studies this October or if I need more time. The difficulty in this decision is that realistically my health hasn't improved since I had to defer initially, the only thing I have now that I didn't then is more in-depth awareness of my illness and how it effects me.
I reached out to the universities support staff today, unable to figure out for myself what the right decision was. The woman I spoke to spent a solid hour on the phone listening to my concerns and explaining available support. I'm waiting for follow up calls, but I feel more confident now that I might make it back to uni this year than I did a few hours ago. And, at least I know now that if I don't manage it this year than they are happy to wait for my health to improve. It's a big relief as I had it stuck in my head that I -had- to return this October or that was me out of the class.
In the mean time, while I think and wait, I was pointed towards the universities short courses as a way of keeping myself involved in learning, or I guess, warming up before starting again proper. I found one on creative writing to indulge myself with, along side a couple on areas of law I'm particularly interested in. So, to circle back to the beginning, hopefully this will prompt me to be sitting in front of a keyboard typing more often.
I remember typing way back at the start of the year that I didn't want to be too miserable in what I wrote in these letters, and I know that I perhaps broke that rule a bit here, but I break it with the aim of explaining why I am mildly optimistic. So, hopefully I can be forgiven.
I have a ramble about nostalgia to ease that frown a little as an end bit.
I don't play video games much any more. I would like a past time that panders to my imagination a little more, I still like the idea of taking up D&D when I'm healthier. That said, there are still games I like, and nostalgia influences me a lot I think... I feel like I should be introducing this as if I'm attending a support group:
Hi, my name is Zosa and I have nothing but positive feelings towards Phantasy Star Online. Some of the only positive memories I have from my childhood relate to the Dreamcast and in particular PSO. I couldn't put into words I don't think why I adore it so much even now, but my instant thought in trying to justify my feelings is that I loved how colourful it was and that you could make your own character, I had a little Zosa in space with a brightly coloured laser sword.
Over the years I brought and loved follow on games, PSU and its expansion, PSPortable 1,2,2i, Zero. I even played PSO2 in Japanese on the PS4, confusing the translator on my phone as I asked it to make sense to the games quests and story. I gave up eventually hoping that one day Sega would release an English translation in the west. Which they did eventually, for every platform but the one I had access to. And I can't tell you the amount of times I've almost spent money I don't have buying a more modern PC or an xbox -purely- so I can play Phantasy Star Online 2. I would search for news on a Playstation release every couple of weeks, almost religiously. Then this week gone I stopped...
Because they are finally releasing the game, something like a decade late, at the end of August. I couldn't believe it, I expect to be fully in shock when I'm actually playing it. I suspect I'm the only person so invested, but for once I don't care if it's silly. I very briefly experienced what I believe to be bliss, and it was at release of tension that came with the news that a modern Phantasy Star Online was finally going to be in my hands.
Amazing what power nostalgia has.
My normal aim is three sections, but it has been months, and I went on longer than I expected in the third. So, for the first time ever, a musical forth.
I don't know if this is normal for you too, but I strongly attach music to time, events, objects, emotion, et cetera. An example of this for me is to look at my reaction to the PSO2 news. The first thing I did in preparation of the launch was to sort out a playlist. When I think of PSO I think of two bands, New Found Glory and Muse, the alternate is true too, I can't listen to Sticks and Stones without craving PSO. So I immediately went to my phone and added Showbiz, Origin of Symmetry, Sticks and Stones, Catalyst and the B-sides from Hullabaloo to a special Phantasy Star playlist.
I know that the reason I connect the things so strongly is that I only had a very small selection of music as a child. I would sit with my headphones on, listening to those early NFG and Muse albums on repeat for hundreds of hours as I played my colourful game. I guess I find it amazing that even after all these years (20 years I think, oh dear) those albums and that game are still so closely linked to me. I could find another Phantasy Star fanatic out there and completely lose them when I started talking about the importance of My Friends Over You or Hate This and I'll Love You being on the soundtrack.
I guess it's amazing to think about the different ways in which people experience things.