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It still hurts

~canaryjacket

At the beginning of September last year, my girlfriend at the time dumped me. She said "let's be friends".

For context, I'm in my early 20s and this was my most serious relationship so far.

Our social circles overlap, so I still see her often, but we don't really talk anymore. At first I missed her, but now not so much.

In retrospect, I see how flawed that whole relationship was. And how big of an ego trip it was for both of us.

I wouldn't want to get back together.

But getting dumped hurts. And it still hurts. Even though I don't want her anymore, I still find myself wishing I was so awesome that I could make myself impossible to get dumped in the first place. I still find myself wanting to improve my appearance, personality, and standing in life.

I don't think that objective is wrong per se. But I wish I could balance it with realistic expectations and self-acceptance. If only I could believe that in-progress canaryjacket is still a valuable canaryjacket.

Getting dumped made me feel like I am Nothing. And none of the improvements I have made since then have made me feel like I am Something.

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Replies

~inquiry wrote:

Her purely mind-bound opinion of you not only isn't objective reality, but - at best - merely an entirely subjective mental re-presentation.

~tetris wrote (thread):

It's a humbling experience for sure, especially when there's no real closure behind it. You're just left reeling with uncertainty about who you are and who you thought you were.

One thing I learned from it: seeking perfection in yourself and in others is a fruitless endeavor. It's an impossible - and more importantly - *stressful* ideal that will leave you constantly measuring the present with a future that may never happen.

Your future partner won't be perfect, but the connection you will share with her will be everything. Your future self may also not be as smart or as handsome as you wish to be, but your future self will be more experienced, more self-assured, and more at peace with your place in the world. You don't need to be smart to be useful to people, and you don't need be pretty to have an attractive playful smile.

I'm not a religious man nor a reformed alcoholic, but I'm a huge fan of the serenity prayer:

> God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,  
> Courage to change the things I can,  
> and Wisdom to know the difference

~starbreaker wrote:

Every time I've ever gotten dumped, I've armored myself with a short little mantra: "Fuck it. Her loss."

~b0b89 wrote (thread):

We are all works in progress canaryjacket. It's what makes us valuable.