💾 Archived View for qq.flounder.online › april.gmi captured on 2023-04-19 at 22:10:14. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
04172023
feeling sleepy, but clear
04162023
had an important conversation yesterday that left my heart tired and mind spinning. i don't usually like to separate the two but that's how it felt. what i mean is i kept going over the information i learned, and replaying the interaction, and imagining the possible endings and beginnings i could experience with this person, and yet had no energy to reach out or continue the conversation or provide reassurance or ask for it. maybe because it was so late when they left. i appreciate roommate for staying up with me afterwards
(and i appreciate mellita for messaging me about some confusing feelings i had. hi! i hope your fall into love has felt fun/fruitful. i hope it doesn't tire your heart, and that your feelings are received with compassion)
the volume of the coffee shop music just went way up. time to put on my dead headphones
saw suzume in theaters yesterday, it was gorgeous and the emotional payoff was enormous and kind of surprising. like the moment of catharsis for me was staggering. i recognized the feeling because i experienced something similar watching your name several years ago, at the tivoli, before it got bought out by a church (?)
missed, entirely, the first night of playoff basketball. walking out of the theater saw that i had received a text from an old friend:
boston is gonna win the whole damn thing - callin' it
haha. not sure why i felt so comforted by this. maybe because it softened the landing coming out of the movie, maybe because i was feeling confused about what was going on with [redacted], and comparatively the idea of boston's championship potential is much less confusing. this is why nba podcasts are terrible, there is nothing confusing going on, nothing really being figured out
workshop feedback about my final piece has started coming in. my classmates tend to focus their responses on congratulating/thanking me for my vulnerability, which is sweet but kind of silly considering i am programmed to spill my guts and do not need encouragement or gratitude to do this
my friend has not written me back. they have many reasons to not write me back, so i am not hurt or surprised, but kind of sad and waiting
04142023
patrons continue to comment on my voice! one patron over the phone suggested i go home! it's getting depressing!
04132023
started the day with workshop, today was emotional because i keep remembering these are the last pieces i'll read by these people. drove home listening to "someday we'll all be free." roommate was making french toast, i had some. i sang a little (karaoke, no guitar because i just painted my nails light blue) and then went to the gym. my left knee doesn't feel quite right. had soba at home and then picked up l. walked out of the movie after each noticed the other was falling asleep. then indian food (samosas, paneer tikka masala, lamb korma), then ice cream (mint chocolate chip, blueberry). i told her about [redacted], and she began to cry, out of happiness for me. we are both highly emotional and being together can have an intensifying effect. when i came home, roommate was outside with his person. then he came inside and resumed studying, and i read my book (leigh n. gallagher's who you might be). time to get ready for bed. working a longish day at the library tomorrow. then [redacted]
04122023
need to make an appointment with a speech language pathologist. i have been avoiding this for years, hoping the problem with my voice is only noticeable to me, but i have been getting feedback lately that confirms otherwise. i think it would be a relief to get a diagnosis, even if it is something vague. just any kind of formal/recognized language i could be given to describe the problem would be helpful. i've done all the self-examination i can
things with [redacted] are going well, i am trying to trust it. some days i am overwhelmed with affection, which can make me feel weak and delusional. c said to rewrite the narrative, so i'm trying. the feelings are powerful which surprises/delights/spooks/softens me. i think this might be a completely new experience for my heart. but i always think that. i have a bad memory
that's actually not true i remember everything