💾 Archived View for mothbaby.flounder.online › journal.gmi captured on 2023-04-19 at 22:19:07. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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so exhausted in a lot of ways. work is killing me. i hate having so much responsibility. the team i manage is doubling this month and i have to train all the new people and i simply don't want to have to do all that!!! hoping to do some slacking off today to try and recoup my energy...
also been getting a lot of migraines and it feels like it's bc of work. i simply don't make enough money for this...trying not to feel like it's my time management skills/lack of experience making work this hard, it's tricky bc we so quickly go from slow to super super busy and its hard to anticipate what is needed.
anyway done ranting about work!!!!!!!
going to kirksville this weekend and im excited
taking big green girl's advice and floundering on company time (like i do every day)
talking to people on the phone all day is exhausting. i dont think i have anything to reflect on. i knitted with uncle-altoid last night and that was lovely as always. tonight im celebrating my cats first birthday with some friends. cheers to the freakin weekend.
the IT guy who runs the phone system is retiring in a week and going on a 3 month long paddling trip down the whole mo river. i really like him and will miss him. he told me today that it warms his heart to see the way ive helped change the phone system here and it feels like the perfect ending to his career :,) makes me feel proud of my work!
i want to plan a road trip soon. not sure where to go. maybe montana. maybe the smokies.
yesterday i got a migraine after work i think from having 3 cups of coffee... trying to not make the same mistake today. PMS is hitting me so hard this month, my brain feels foggy, my body is tired, and i keep getting irrationally angry! i love PMDD hahaha
the show last night was awesome. i saw some of my regular show pals. someone brought a box of free clothes and i got some cool stuff from that. jw francis rocked and we talked to him afterwards, he was super nice and signed the vinyl treeprophet bought.
debating going to the show tonight. im either gonna do that, or stay home get really high and binge watch tv....both sound appealing.
my body still feels asleep and im on my 3rd cup of coffee. i planned to do "a bunch of work" today and im regretting that now. this is a day for sleeping. my coworker brought in a book he's making of "love and other wonderful things" and asked us to write something or put a nice picture in the book, how cute is that.
yesterday i went for a run and it was awful lmao. i ran with treeprophet and went too fast/it was hot out and i got so out of breath it was scary....hoping that doesn't discourage me to run again. thinking i should just run alone. i prefer not hearing myself breathe (loud music in my ears) and also it's easier to pace myself alone.
later we played the happy feet wii game and mario vs sonic olympic games which rocked and was funny.
tonight im going to the jw franics show, very excited bc i love that artist and had no idea they were coming to town!!
a moment zine's release party/open mic went great yesterday! so great to see our little community come together in person. some incredible poems were read.
i have to train and onboard 4 new employees this month and it's so daunting. i am not looking forward to it but it will also be good to have a larger team. sometimes this job is so funny and crazy. i walked through the garden today and its so beautiful this time of year, made me grateful to work here.
i want to go camping soon but my weekends are so busy :( my two really good friends are moving away and i think we should go camping before that!!! setting an intention to pick a weekend.
there's some sort of ominous vibe to the day, idk if it's the tornado/storm coming or the fact that i saw firemen wheeling some man into an ambulance a block away from where there was a kitchen fire at work and the building had to be evacuated.
i texted my brother who i haven't really spoken to in years, i thought I had the wrong number of his but apparently it's correct. he texted back so that's cool. family estrangement is so weird and too complicated.
tomorrow im planting plants in my dad's yard with treeprophet and then going to his cousin's play, big family day. im excited to be working outside, i've decided i want to become the Most Fit i've ever been this spring/summer. not that hard bc i've never been a regular working out person
tonight i might eat some fried fish and likely drink some beer with friends. i also want to go to the Joan Mitchell exhibit at slam at some point, we tried to go last friday but they were sold out.
im flounding at work, as usual. my horoscope says im entering a phase where the world's timing will align with my personal destiny. it feels important. as i get older it gets harder to plan for the future and sometimes i feel like planning is just setting yourself up for disappointment when life inevitably becomes chaotic and unpredictable. i like to think about planning for the future as generally aiming for a specific vibe/feeling. but im happy where i am and i don't know what to work on/grow towards besides doing what im doing now....why do we always feel the need to progress?
it's also hard in a world limited by time and money, if i didnt have to work 40 hours a week and if i made more money i would be living differently. now my goals are always to make/save money or try to pack the life i want to live in my time outside of work.
im so tired right now and im not sure why. i got 8 hours of sleep. i went to a weird new girl themed trivia last night. it was fun but the host made it take way too long (we left 2 hours in on round 6 of 8) and it was in a weird room with no tables and no music playing. princess jesus said it was like ellis island or the ACT and that's so funny and so true.
im going to try to go for a run after work. i think i like running now?
im in the most boring meeting i have all week. i like when people turn their cameras on in virtual meetings. it makes me feel more able to share
last night K came over and we talked and knitted and watched TV it was nice :) i like hearing about people's lives and feelings and drama. i have accepted my identity as a gossip, but i really think my intentions are just innocent curiosity and desire to discuss the inner workings of peoples lives! its interesting! im studying!
I had a good week/weekend. the warm weather is enlivening. good things coming: moving into the pink house, doing more photography, finishing my current knit project/starting my next one, playing softball and being more active
my friend is getting her heart broke right now and it hurts my heart!! I keep picturing her being sad and me hurriedly picking up all the pieces of her heart breaking off and poorly Elmer’s glue/scotch taping them back together. she has a lot of love to give and I can relate to how overwhelming it is!! it’s a funny world and all that’s constant is we love and cry and smile and laugh
i'm going to see the ducks at the park after work. im exhausted and want to make dinner and also do nothing and i simply don't have time for any of it!!
feeling so bleh about work lately. i think i need to find a better way to structure my work day so i don't just sit with all these abstract tasks in mind until someone asks me for something immediate and material. also just feels like i have so much to do that isn't immediate enough for me to be motivated to do it.
may have found a house to rent. it's pretty cute. i'm not 100% sure about the area, it's hard to gauge "safety" in stl.
a good reminder for myself and one of the best things i've learned to make social interaction easier is that, usually, the thing you are worrying about is never a big deal to anyone else, and if it was someone would say something about it.
feel crazy today! not really doing any work at work. always a lil worried about people knowing im not really working but also i dont think it matters?
im officially sick of house/apt hunting, feeling kinda dreary/scattered/bored.
last weekend i did a lot. drank too much on friday and i think i would like to set an intention to dial it back with the drinking. i hate being hungover, and i can get pretty depressed when im hungover.
saw so much live music the last few days which was good. had some overlapping plans and a lot of feeling like whatever i was doing in the moment wasn't the "right" thing? basically like fomo but the missing out could just be missing out on being home and chilling. even tho i had been home chilling all day. idk!
i think the cold weather is getting me down. i need spring to bring me some energy/motivation
im not so worried about my friend anymore bc i talked to them and expressed my concern so that's cool. love direct communication.
looking forward to getting dinner with a friend who is in town tonight!
cheers
currently squirming in my chair during a meeting bc my period cramps are so bad. my brain is swimming from work and looking for a new apartment/house. constantly ~communicating~ with strangers aka texting landlords/answering the phone/emailing people is so exhausting!!!
had a good weekend, had good times with friends, ate good food, danced to good music, drank good beer
i'm kinda worried about one of my friends but i also know they can take care of themselves but i also don't know how or if i can support them sometimes!
knitted with K last night and it was really nice. we talked about family trauma and i love a space where you can really get into it and it doesnt feel like trauma dumping!
i would love for my period to finally start so I can stop feeling like shit sooner!!!!!
i cant find my journal so im flounding. got high and realized that when i went grocery shopping i was so hangry with spaghetti and vegan meatballs on my mind that all i bought were pasta ingredients. anyway
March vibezzz. work takes up sooo much of my time but its friday and the weekend so im excited. going to get my bangs trimmed at my new hairdresser who i really like. before her i went to someone who clearly didn't get the "i want a boy haircut" vibe
i keep thinking about how i want to read a book but im not taking any steps to actually doing that. im thinking of listening to an audio book so i can do it while knitting but that feels like cheating to me
maybe i will go to the library this weekend
Izzy and i are looking at houses. im excited to move. there are a lot of cute houses but i hate the anxiety of moving i just want it to happen and be done
weekend trip to michigan was great! saw old friends and reminded me how much i love them! i hope they move here.
we went to a happy hour that has been going on for decades and danced with a bunch of old folks to a jam band. it rocked. also went to a disco party. went to a square dance at a barn. spent a lot of time at this cool arcade. went to detroit and saw the aquarium and some outdoor art.
i will finish knitting my sweater tonight! hanging out with my new friend again this week too. warm weather is making me feel energized and optimistic and in love!
had dinner with my parents last night. my dad showed me some photos we took as kids that he found. he also has a film video camera from that time that he wants to get the video from. my film is ready today but I can't pick it up because im leaving for my trip right after work
i think im gonna write a letter to my brother who never talks to me soon. just gonna keep sending like one letter a year.
had a meeting with the COO of my work today, weird but also cool bc he is approving us hiring more staff. also had my first review as a "supervisor" today and it was actually good and reminds me how much i enjoy my colleagues. they are good people!
going to my parents for dinner tonight. im sure my dad will be stressed about my traveling to michigan with snow in the forecast.
i need to pack for the trip. i am excited but i will miss my cats
rainy day, gonna take a nap after work. yummy dinner plans tonight and then some surprise excursion with Izzy :)
this weekend i go to a new city in Michigan ive never been to, seeing some good friends. really excited plus happy to have a looong weekend
i remember being a high schooler and never wanting a "9-5, live for the weekend job" and now that's what I have hahaha but honestly it's stable income, tolerable work, and i don't see another option for myself at this time...it sucks to think about how much time im at work but i also make the most of my time off work and am able to travel. im writing this at work too so i could certainly have a more demanding job
i love reading strangers journals on here, if youre reading this and don't know me, i think that's cool
participating in the Flound Town again. im bored at work and don't want to work. too many hours a week and occupying too much of my brain! taking my time back by flounding on the clock.
today my friend who was out of town for a week is back and we had lunch and laughed a lot. i love my friends and hearing about all the silly things they get up to. life is so funny and a real joke in the best way sometimes.
im going to visit a friend out of state this weekend, very excited. i also made a new friend recently! i am abundantly blessed with friendships.
im gonna get some film developed after work and maybe sweep my apartment. ciao
coming here for some solace. things have changed so rapidly in the lives around me and i fear change in my own life. im afraid of manifesting my fear. i realized in the last couple years how manifestation really does work. the direction and intention you pivot yourself towards is the direction you will follow. obviously there are things out of your control but in a more vague, emotional sense, you can control your mindset and how you want to feel and the situations you want to be in. you can direct your internal energy towards that.
i feel too young to feel this way, but im realizing how much life is really made by the relationships you have and the people in your life. its scary when the people in your life become the most important thing for you, but what else would be more important? my job? lol. am i supposed to put myself above the people I love?
i just want to dedicate myself to the people i love. but it's hard to trust that dedication will come back around. and i need to look out for myself too and not get lost in other people. but at the same time, when you have relationships that could be lifelong, you become intermeshed with those people, and that is community. and family. i just want to be surrounded by community and family and have a sense of safety in a world that can be so cold and isolate and terribly individual.
lost my journal so im writing in here again. just gave my cat some catnip and ran around with her. ive been thinking about money a lot recently. i have a simultaneous desire to spend and not be tied down by money and background anxiety about it. it scares me to think i won't ever be in a place to save enough to have a house and land and maybe kids. but im also 22 i have so much time. i think im going to make a budget to understand my expenses better.
ive had many good times with pals over the last couple weeks. i think this vapid heat is just making me want to stay in again. at least maybe this will make the weather being in high 80s low 90s feel really good. scares me that we are seeing the effects of climate change in our lifetime.
saw some really amazing live music last weekend. american basswood from kirksville will remain one of the best bands ever. mold gold was incredible. i love seeing my friends play music.
sad and nostalgic about moving. met someone really cool last week and we hung out everyday and then they just dropped off the face of the earth and stood me up.
im moving to stl in a couple weeks. ive made it through 2 interviews at a cool job. almost approved for a cool apartment. i think itll be hard but good.
it is my last spring break of college. I went to visit moldgold222 and E over the weekend. I have been feeling stuck in a depression but that trip reignited something in me. We also ate some fun mushrooms and I had probably the most spiritual trip of my life. It gave me so much fresh and much needed perspective. I'm really happy to be building off the spiritual work I've done over the years. More and more I am able to focus on what really matters and makes me feel alive. I'm probably going to write a longer form post about this on my Gemlog.
For now, I'm seeing my friends, spending time outside, writing, playing music, and reading. It feels good.
the last month has flown by. there is always so much work to be done. the full moon was saturday and i had a great weekend with treeprophet in wash, mo. things have felt weird this week, been very anxious and mad but also excited about spring. i found out my therapist quit (bc my school was forcing her to change employers and be paid less) and now im not sure ill be able to continue seeing her. that felt very bad and i felt very bad for everyone affected by her quitting.
some good things:
- im getting good at parallel parking
- my roomates cat finally groomed my cat today after 6 months of living together
- i got the first dose of the vaccine
- warm weather, playing sports, skateboarding
- going to des moines soon to see my pal
feeling really good this week. very happy in my relationship and my friendships right now. feeling confident and able to be on-top of work and school. made plans to move in with rhino after graduation, very exciting! feels good to have more concrete plans and i've begun looking at apartments and jobs.
getting more into mtg recently. re-constructing my elf commander deck as well as tightening up my 60 card merfolk deck for a tournament with friends coming up.
been really into tracking the different parts of the menstrual cycle. follow someone on tik tok who explains the different phases besides menstruation and how it impacts your energy. it feels really applicable and helps to manage mood changes for me.
bad vibes sad vibes day. going to class so i can get the points for being physically present. going to a meeting and then calling moldgold222. hopefully taking a nap later. going to see moldgold222 this weekend!
last night i overcame some exhaustion, played bass, and began recording a new song. couldn't sleep and went on a midnight walk. i wish i could walk whenever i wanted without being afraid of my safety. some car completed stopped and trailed slowly behind me for a while. it was scary but then they drove off. going on a walk prevented me from having a full on panic attack so that was good.
this morning i didn't play animal crossing like usual. i cried a bit, showered, and doodled. im thinking of trying to check in with myself by making a doodle of how im feeling. then i went to the post office to mail a letter to my good friend E. i miss being around E and moldgold222 so badly.
been really struggling with anxiety/depression and haven't posted on here in a bit. it feels like things are turning around but i still struggle to get out of bed. seeing my friends has been helpful. some good things have occurred! the lovely treeprophet gave me a bass and i am going to start recording my album. im helping rhino with her theater project and have to play a queer person mourning the death of her best friend who then falls in love with calico :) i preordered the new magic the gathering set box and will open them and draft with idi and treeprophet.
there's some good things happening with school but all the tasks are also overwhelming. im working on a project to plan and hopefully begin implementing a community garden. im really excited about this but i also know its going to take up a lot of time. im also trying to find time to be a human outside of homework and work! its so easy to fall into doing nothing and doom scrolling when im not completing a task. but then i start to feel like im not a person and dread everything i have to do. so yeah i need to do real living person things!! i am not just a worker!!
I'm usually pretty outspoken in my classes, but today in ethics i had to hold my tongue on a couple of things because i felt like 1. i was dominating the conversation and 2. my thoughts weren't super relevant to the core of the discussion. These were the comments I wanted to discuss more: my professor said there are no topics that cannot be joked about, and a kid in my class used the "functioning scale" to describe people with autism. I really wish I would've had the chance to respond to the student because I don't think people realize that it's dehumanizing to use those sorts of terms. Also, what we consider "functioning" usually equates to, being able to be exploited for labor, ie. taking orders and standing in one place doing a task.
After class, I went to the library with rhino and calico. We went for a study break walk and had the strangest experience. This guy (presumably a student) was talking to two girls who had that uncomfy, stuck in a conversation look to them. The guy was saying something about how sleep deprivation makes your brain unable to have rational thoughts but that it didn't affect him like that and he didn't need sleep. He was talking in this manic way, reminded me of myself on too much adderall.
We walked away and then decided to loop back around and see if they were still there. They were and we hovered near them, caught some of the conversation. He was talking about the difference between people who use social media because they actually care about it and those who don't. Mentioned that he never got any comments on his posts. Then he was started talking about how college is kinda a farce but he was using these phrases like he was trying to sound really impressive but not saying anything of substance or nuance. Talked about how gravity wasn't real. Told them to text him if they ever wanted to "learn more" or even get a job reference from him. They sounded really interested in what he had to say.
It was super bizarre and none of us could get a read on the situation. To me, he sounded like some boosted male ego who was questioning his reality when he got to college and thought he had uncovered something world-breaking.
Anyway, then i walked around with calico and flounderer98. It was really fun and we giggled a lot. Stole some plant cutting from the science building.
currently in class and realizing that i'm wearing my prof's ex-husbands shirt. which sounds weird but her ex-husband is actually just this really cool guy who i am good friends with. he recently cleaned out his attic and gave me a bunch of cool clothes.
the magic card im auctioning off is at $2100. pretty excited about that.
today i woke up longing for spring. i would love if the sun would at least melt the snow so i could skateboard. in the mood to neglect responsibilities and spend time outside.
today it was very hard to get out of bed. i played animal crossing in the morning and then worked at Deborah's. The logs didn't feel as heavy in my arms, i think im getting stronger. Her husband asked me a weird question about biden.
then i went to the library with some pals. i started auctioning off this miscut magic card on facebook that is apparently worth a lot. it's at $1500 right now and the auction ends sunday. I might buy a switch with the money. half is going to a friend though.
called my brother. made tofu. called treeprophet and went to hyvee to buy chocolate peanut butter ice cream. played pictionary online with moldgold222 and idi. played more animal crossing. answered emails.
i know that you sync cycles with the people around you but when im on period it feels like everyone i know is on theirs. the bob account tweeted about menstruation today. also it's always right after the full moon.
some good things happened today:
- today i bought 4 bags of kettle cooked pub mustard chips for $1 with c. we looked at every item at hyvee and giggled.
- my roommate brought home a huge plant today, it touches the ceiling and it's magnificent.
also i started EMDR which is draining but will be good. i feel like im training for a marathon but its therapy.
first day of classes. feeling like i'm not gonna hold back this semester, my last semester of college. can't wait to tell the prof, who controls my stipend and is responsible for me doing so much unpaid labor, that i cannot afford to buy the textbook for his class.
i wish i wasn't so pessimistic about school but i really am. academia sucks.
got too high and cried during king of the hill again. my brain feels melty.
this weekend i:
- watched the godfather part i and ii. really good but also very intense and sad. best character: the cat
- did some doodles and played vidya games with my tr*pping friends. made my heart feel peace again. really good.
- watched king of the hill and watched treeprophet watch king of the hill. my version of double monitor lightup keyboard is leaning my phone up against my laptop screen.
- sent emails. ope! its time to create an AI of myself to answer my e-mails! thank u 4 yr service AI mothbaby
thought to myself today, i should make a twitter, not follow anyone, and just shit post. and then i was like nah I should work on my flounder site! so here i am
astro weather update: tomorrow mars will leave aries (where it has been for 6 months) and enter taurus, we're going to be slowing down and relaxing, but watch out for over-indulgence. this energy is especially impactful for fixed signs (taurus, scoprio, leo, aquarius) i am currently eating too many oreos so already off to a great start