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The portrait of a fool

It's difficult to talk about me without talking about me. After all, this is (supposed to be) my anon blog.

I was born into a relatively poor family. It wasn't poor in the beginning, my grandfather was very prolific and influential but it all broke down with my uncle. I have a few seconds of me with my grandfather in one of the family videos. That's all. So, be whatever it is, my dad and mom ensured I always get a good education no matter what. I wasn't bright (in many ways, I'm still not) but I persevered. And it paid off. I was doing good in school etc. My dad noticed and he ensured I get only the best. I have vivid memory of my parents going to bed without food to ensure my school fees are paid. My mother mortgaged her wedding jewelry. Some things just get etched in memory I guess.

Early in middle school, I was assaulted by a neighbour who still is our neighbour. It was horrible. I was confused. I didn't even know what he did to my body. God, my world was only in books back then. I was scared. And I let it happen. Finally after some time, it all came out. I still remember it was pretty messy. The confrontation and apology (hah, as if that can right all the wrongs). I had no answer when my father asked me, "Why didn't you stop it?". There was a marked difference to the way everyone treated me. An uncomfortable one.

But I let it pass. Pretending it was a bad nightmare. I took to reading. And I loved science. I finally figured out the whole sex conundrum from dictionaries and wikipedia (yes, the true nerd source of wisdom). I read a lot and the more I did the more I withdrew from social life. But I was happy. I was the kid in middle school who always topped. I tried to approach girls but quickly figured out all that wasn't for me. I was scared of them. Scared I'd break her heart somehow. I can't bear to see someone I loved to cry. I loved ideas more. I wasn't unknown. I was just known by the wrong kind of guys. As they say, as you raise yourself higher (by toiling and persevering) you gain more envy than praise. So it was. I developed strange fantasies and fetishes. I took to writing journals and then blogs. I changed my school two years back.

And there was a changed difference in me. Things home weren't good. Education is expensive and dad was losing his wealth. A tremendous pressure built up on me to perform well. That pressure is still there, only amplified. Along the way, there was this girl I really admired and respected. Call her N. We had a sister-brother relationship. I liked when she used to laugh. I realised a girl is such a beautiful boon in life. I liked when she used to force me to talk cause well I could never gather the courage to start a conversation. I still feel girls are way out of my league. It's like this favour they do when they agree to spend their time with you. Cause seriously, they are so powerful they can bear so much without jerking a tear. They can be so alive and thriving and give me a reason to live. No I'm not talking about N. I'm talking about an idealism of the girl in my head. Concerning N, I fucked up. The only thing I was afraid of was losing her to some stupid thing I did. That was the reason why I seldom talked. And guess what, that's exactly what I did. I talked bullshit. And I was heartbroken when she broke our friendship.

I cried a lot back then. I missed her even though she considered me to be her brother. I missed her as a sister. I missed her because I had no one to talk to. My parents and sister don't resonate with my thoughts.

I resorted to books and the web. Found the community of people who lived before me. People who I could relate to and I read what they left behind. I felt comforted. In the pandemic, I listened to music and started living it. And then I decided I want to make my own music. They are like prisms to look at the world differently. So are books. And I'm trying to collect as many prisms as I can. During pandemic I finally got what I wanted. Time. I read a lot of influential text, took ideas that appealed to me and assembled the person I wanted to be piece by piece. I admit I'm still naive and ignorant but I am trying my best.

Along the way, I fucked up all these important exams. I missed an opportunity to get into one of the leading scientific research institute here. All isn't lost though. This upcoming exam is very important in that regard. It might just be the exam that decides my fate. All that my parents have stood for. All of their tears and sacrifices.

That's pretty much it. That should be it. But then comes this girl along the way, uprooting all these safeguards I had put in place to protect me from loving someone. Ah, this girl.

Bye.