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There's a fire starting in my heart

A really weird thing happened and I feel anguished, to say the least.

As it is no secret, how much I love my freedom. Wasting time is not my way.

I admit to being an addict of the Jargon File (it almost feels like my Bible). I'm a ESR devout and proudly show my glider emblem on my blog. It is, thus, no surprise that I had sworn to never even look at the opposite sex, let alone talk and all other weird things people do.

But the tides have turned. The turmoil in my heart is unbearable. I am trying every bit to not fall for this girl but I'm afraid I'm failing. Rationale must prevail. It must, at all costs.

fear

Love is a dangerous and beautiful thing. I'm pragmatic and I know it's a waste of time but somehow my mind thinks it isn't. What heresy! Ah.

In my defense, I barely know her. But I have talked to her. She is not nerdy which is a MAJOR turndown. But I guess it's even better. I can learn something out of my domain (You know the crazy learner I am). I'm afraid I'll just break her heart in the end and a girl crying because of me is the last thing I want to do. It's pathetic. What's the point of being a boy if you make a girl cry?

my heart

I'm a low maintenance person. And my priorities are different. I am not horny all the time. But I care about your smile. The thought of you in my arms is more beautiful to me than us making out (which is interesting nevertheless ;) ). I want to see you swirl in your favourite dress. I want to hear your laugh. I want to see you happy. I think I'm just Charlie (from Perks).

I want to hold your hand. Take you to place where we are alone and sing to you. Ah, I want to see the sunlight bounce off your skin.

I'll just stop. This is almost blasphemous to my religion and I'm embarrassed. This was never meant to happen.

sex

I want to do everything I can do to make up for the wrong that people have done to you. To make you believe gentlemen exist and they can love.

I want to know if she is smart and elegant. I want to know her darkest secrets, her best memories. I want to know the mind she is before I know the person she is. I want her to be a challenge for me (if you read this, don't get inspired. You're good the way you are). I want to win her if that's what it comes to.

I'm unable to decide anything atleast until my examinations.

PS: The title is borrowed from "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele on 21.