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Journal journal

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10/17/22

A friend sent me this this morning and holy shit

https://monthlyreview.org/2021/11/01/disney-salo-and-pasolinis-inconsumable-art/

10/11/22

Tw: idk if anyone reads this but warning on sexual assault

Mad about juan neira again. Fuck him. Fuck that he assaulted me. Fuck that he assaulted so many other people I know. I’ve been assaulted more than a few times & like the times he did it were some of the least invasive/violent!!!!! (Idk if that’s totally true but like hear me out) but somehow this has rocked me worse than others. He was my friend, one of my best friends. He was there for me, for the 3 yrs while my nightmare ex & I were monogamous he was still one of my best friends. When we broke up he was so supportive, and then i started hooking up with him again and all the ways he does it are so insidious, he pushes lines, he just does things 1 step past lines you’ve drawn, over and over until your line is distant, he’s always the one pouring shots, I still don’t know how many times we fucked without condoms (a thing I’ve explicitly told him I do NOT do many times while providing condoms). God it’s just having your trust broken like that- I’ve been assaulted or had hard lines ive set out crossed by strangers, by boyfriends, by girlfriends, by male friends I never quiiiite trusted, but for some reason, I trusted him, he was my friend, my best friend. And thats rocked me. I don’t want to date, I don’t want to hook up. I don’t know how to trust or even accurately judge who to trust.

Also, fuck him. He's tweeted like 3 times ever and one of them was a joke he stole from me, and he curated a show where I suggested the specific artists whose work was shown (& he entirely changed the focus of a major part based on my suggestions/feedback) & he never told those artists or credited me in any way (which like I get not crediting but also like wtf else is curation besides figuring out who & why fit together in a show!!!!) . Also!!!! He doesn’t have a ‘patron who saw his work in Miami’ supporting his career, he just has a rich fucking uncle. FUCK HIM. (Also fuck the art world because I genuinely wonder which of the 3 -stealing my ideas, lying about a patron, or assaulting people- if any, would inhibit his career most)

Also one time when we were doing karaoke he said the n word (that might be the one that would really get him cancelled lmao)

10/8/22

Been thinking a lot about what I want from my life recently? I like that so often in my life Ive seemingly stumbled into interesting or cool things/opportunities simply because I seem to attract interesting people as friends and acquaintances and am a person whose just down? Idk. I feel like I’m in an upswing on that again? I’ve been bad at taking my meds && trying to not let myself think that’s making me more interesting

10/7/22

Omg my friend is a huge swiftie and is currently in my dms sending me people trying to roast gay people who are mad that Taylor is publically in a straight relationship (& then texted me like five 90 second voice memos). And it’s like

1. I could not care less who that woman dates

2. Im rooting for everyone gay regardless

3. Some of these gaylor people are making POINTS about the way she manipulates media to further her own career while playing coy or nodding to gay shit. & idgaf if some white straight girl qrt them think they’re blowing things out of proportion and turning their back on Taylor or “not real fans”

Like god just actually support your gay fans or leave idk

10/6/22

I love being on T but one annoying thing is there’s days I’m just constantly horny but its like I can never actually cum???? Like it’s like if all day you’re waiting in line for the roller coaster and you get on and you can do the little dips, & you can do the climb up to the big part but you never go down the really big drop. Like you just mosey around near the top, it plateaus, and does a little dip, and then like just never??? Just annoying.

(Idk if flounder is an appropriate place to post this but fairly certain like 99% of the people don’t know who i am so that feels more ok??? I just wanna vent. Maybe this is an irl journal situation)

10/5/22

Realizing today that quite possibly the worst and simultaneously best thing I ever learned was when I first started cross country and realized that if I push, I can always take just 30 seconds more of something. I can’t run 2, 4, 6 miles, but I can make it to the tree, that intersection, the telephone pole, over and over until suddenly it’s been 2, 4, 6 miles. I’ve not killed myself for 30 seconds, and I’ve stayed with abusers for 30 more seconds.

30 seconds is dangerous because if you last thru enough, they become 90 seconds, they become an hour, a day, a week, a year. And suddenly your life is the same, and so different. 30 on 30 on 30 on 30 and suddenly I’m 30 years old, and I made it alive. And learning to stop, to track my miles, to push to the next sign post when I want to not just because I should.

10/3/22

I love my new job. Like I asked for time off && they ask you to put it in 2 weeks in advance and I only did 10 days and started to apologize a bunch and thought I might have to miss my cousins wedding because I mixed up the dates and my boss was like “oh no worries!!! I’ll make sure the schedule is updated for that!! Have so much fun :)” like !!! Wow!!!! I had a hard time scheduling a morning off for a doctors appt at my old job (submit a form & email that you’d submitted it 5 weeks before, not hear back, email to follow up 3 weeks out, not hear back, mention it in gchat or zoom, get a “yeah just email it to me”, 1 week out warn everyone, 2 days before warn everyone, 80% of the week days you take off get work related texts/calls anyway)

Like wow. It was like how a lot of dating em jay this year felt - I was suddenly in a situation where the other person just treated me with respect/kindness and like my needs are reasonable and it really made me realize how bad a lot of my past situations were. Which feels good, but jarring and confusing and makes me a little mourn the past I lived with.

9/27/22

Talked to a friend about some drama recently && am v annoyed at their partner. (Their partner is fine, none of this is real). Like I think it’s also I’ve just heard too much of the other side of the drama. And this partner is doing a bunch of weird shit and trying to like brand one of their friends as homophobic & transphobic. When all the examples of homophobia I’ve heard from them are “she says she’s bi but has dated mostly cis men, but suddenly when she was at queer events that’s the space to make out with other women???” Like … yes the queer dance night youve referred to as a cruising night is in fact one of many correct places for a bisexual woman to make out with other women. All the transphobia I’ve heard about boils down as far as I can tell to “my good friend of many years who is not as up on the right lingo is asking me good natured/earnest questions about myself & my gender that I am not yet ready to grapple with or address”. Very very possible I am wildly projecting or am being overly judgemental or overly explanatory for this other person. It’s just like we’re adults and I’ve heard about this from multiple angles and it sounds like someone being hyper vigilant about protecting their own queerness by trying to put down someone because she’s high femme and bisexual and this makes her an easy target for “not queer enough”

9/26/22

Really been thinking//wondering about how people who work in restaurants don’t develop unhealthy relationships with alcohol. Like I’ve been here a month & been trying to be very intentional about it but like last night got 3 shots with/from customers, shot with coworkers, 2 very very strong cocktails in like an hour after working for 9. Idk!!! I want to be intentional & healthy & smart!!!

My life unfortunately only works by my having a chokehold on excess — which sucks!!!!!! I want to be frivolous and “bad”!! I want to spit conservative abstinent behavior in the face, BUT the only way I don’t manic myself out of house & home is by being vigilant :/ I balance the scales of my life & emotionality carefully & intentionally regardless of how much I joke that I want to be chaotic or manic. (Which is also funny because when I tell people I view myself as very restrained they generally laugh, very hard, like “restrained!???? You,?????” And like bro, compared to what’s in my head, YES. )

9/20/22

Saw a tweet that said “most psychiatrists are so scared of mania and for what if i have a manic episode i’ll just clean out my entire house and start a podcast so what” && im like it’s kinda making me want to go off my meds. Like I’ve been seeing a lot of shit about how often women are misdiagnosed with bipolar when ptsd/autism/adhd are present? And wonder how much of my mania was just trauma and stress. Like hmmm could I tough it. This is probably just being stoned wouldn’t go off meds without talking to my psychiatrist

9/19/22

I love the train. I love the city. I’ve been so much happier lately. I remember the wonder & curiosity I’ve approached the world with at other times.

9/11/22

I feel like a different me would be sad or disappointed to be working in a restaurant again? Like I’ve been in an office jobs for 5 years and have a masters and blah blah blah. But, I’m not? This was an objectively good decision. I’m making more money, working less hours, I’m less stressed, I dread going to work less. It’s really nice.

I might still look for other work, I feel like if I could find part-time wfh freelance data/numbers shit it would be nice to keep on my resume?

9/9/22

I want to start magic. I want to become more involved in that practice- and more in tune with my own intuition. Just doing actions because they feel right. I used to as a kid teen young adult

Night time 9/6/22

It’s really sad to me that I didn’t break the generational curse. The abuse my mother suffered. The albeit quieter ripple echos. Ken and the way he treated my mom while she watched her father die. Mabel and the way she treated me as my mother circled in and out of the hospital. I’m struck today by how close she came. I had visions drifting to sleep the almost dream in the twilight.

9/6/22

not really sure where I’m at as a person - or what I want. I think I want to break up with my partner but not for any real reasons I’m just. Not into it anymore. Which sucks. I really like them & unlike most the other recent people I’ve dated they’re like actually a good person but also, the idea of continuing to date just makes me miserable :/ I’ve realized where like pretty incompatible & altho it does not create conflict, it also doesn’t make life easier.