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$$$$$$$$$$$$ $ Steal This Text File! $ $ by $ $ Pavement $ $ 2/19/01 $$$$$$$$$$$$ Table of contents ---------------- 1. Intro 2. The Government Sucks 3. Free Food 4. Free Clothes 5. Almost Free housing 6. Free Everything (Shoplifting) 7. Free Entertainment Part I: Music Part II: Books 8. Free Computers 9. Free Money 10. Nearly Free Travel 11. Free Internet Access 12. Free Furniture 13. Drugs Part I: Selling 'em Part II: Cheap, Legal and Available Highs 14. Free Batteries 15. The "Steal This Text File" Theme Song Intro ---- If you haven't read Abbie Hoffman's excellent 1971 work "Steal This Book," you should go out and buy, steal, or find an electronic version on the internet. But if you're not too lazy to, I'll tell you that it's about "fuck the government" and how to live almost completley for free. Well, the book is the bomb, but unfortunately it's woefully outdated, 30 years later. This is my (doomed-to-fail) attempt to write something similar for the new millenium. Here we go. The Government Sucks! -------------------- Obviously. They support the rich only, because they are rich bitches themselves. So, where does that leave the other 99% of us? In the shit pile. The poor are (understandably) apathetic to the goings on of rich old white guys, so we don't vote, so politicians make only a cursory mention of issues that affect us, mainly so the concious of the rich is clear. So, it's a vicious cycle. Unless you can get the homeboys in the crackhouse and the stoner dudes flipping burgers to give a shit and vote (not likely), nothing's going to change. Let's get one thing straight : unless you make $100,00 or more a year, it makes no difference who your President, Senators, Congresspeople, etc are; they are all equally against us, Republican and Democrat. So what should we do to survive in this world? Is it wrong to steal from companies that fund wars in Central America? Should it be illegal to smoke marijuana when much more dangerous and addictive drugs are legal? How does one decide in these situations? Simple -- tell The Man to go fuck himself and live life on our own terms. This is your guide. Free Food -------- There are many ways to get free food: 1.) get a job at a restaurant (not difficult to do). Take a backpack to work with you, with some plastic bags in it. When the boss isn't looking, start loading up the plastic bags with food. Now, at the end of your day, just tell the boss the job isn't for you, and quit. You have now enough food for a couple weeks. If you live in a big city, there should be hundreds of restaurants, and you'll be able to do this scam endlessly. 2.) Another way is to get food stamps. A lot of people think you have to be black / female / have kids to do this. Not true. If you ARE a female or a minority or a parent, you just get a lot more. So you look up the welfare office in the city, go down there, and if you're below the poverty line (and if you follow the philosophy of this t-file, you are), and you get food stamps twice a month. The real bitch is you can't buy liquor or cigarettes with them -- but wait. You're probably livin' in the ghetto. If not, go down there. Find a scruffy lookin dude on the street, and you'll find that in the hood, many deals can be worked out for food stamps. People will often be willing to pay you, say $10 cash for a $20 food stamp. Both of you come out ahead. He doubles the money he can go buy food with, and you get cold cash you can spend on whatever you want. 3.) More free food: Go to any fast food restaurant during a busy lunch time Order some food. Pay for it. Leave, go around the corner and come back in about 5 minutes. Go up to a different cashier, say they forgot to give you your Big Mac or whatever. You will almost always be believed. These people are making minimum wage, and don't give two shits if you're lying, anway. If they ask for a receipt, say you threw it out. If they refuse to give you the grub, make a big scene and INSIST they give you the food you _paid_ for, godammit. Eventually, they'll give in. Don't go overboard; they're not going to believe they forgot to give you 7 Whoppers w/ Cheese. Again, those in big cities will have an endless supply of horse meat places to pull this scam at. While you're there, be sure to grab generous supplies of everything in sight: ketchup, mustard, napkins, towels, plastic silverware, whatever. Free (and almost-free) clothes ----------- Many big cities have churches that give out free clothes once a week. There ya go. Just show up; you'll probably have to sit through a sermon, but you'll get some threads at the end. But what if you don't have this option? Well, it's not free, but you can always go down to the Goodwill. The clothes are cheap as hell, and often of very high quality. I remember I went there one day, and the sale going on was "clothes for $1 a pound." I shit you not. I ended up with about 5 like-new shirts and two pairs of jeans for $3. Alternately, you can just steal the bitch blind if you're too cheap to buy anything. I've never seen a Goodwill with cameras up, and there probably isn't one anywhere in the country. And since the employees all have physical, mental or emotional impairments (Goodwill exists for them to have jobs), they're probably not going to be too quick on the draw when it comes to seeing you shoplift. (Almost) Free Housing -------------------- Find a housing project or some sort of subsidized housing. The rent at these places is based on your income. And, with you 1 day a week job at Mcdonald's you're going to get before you sign up, that's going to be about $30 a month. Not bad, huh? Now, get about 3 other people with sleeping bags to share your one bedroom apartment, and you're paying about $8 a month. Unfortunately, there is a HUGE waiting list for these places, and you can expect to wait 3 years or more to get in one. So, what to do in the meantime? Well, you're going to have to pay the Man's inflated prices...sort of. #1, find some place in the hood, owned by a private owner (ie not a corporation). The landlord will probably be used to fucked up tenants, and parties, dope dealing, etc, shouldn't be a problem; he'll be happy you're actually paying the rent. Now get a bunch of friends to move in with you and split the rent (without the landlord's blessing, obviously). He probably won't be stopping by too much anyway, and if he does, pretend like they're just visiting you. Free everything (shoplifting) -------------------------- A lot has been written about this subject, and I could write a lot too, but I'll try to keep it simple. Retailers are always told that shoplifters come in all shapes and sizes, and that's true. Fortunately for you, they nonetheless operate with mental pregitdous in their heads. Black people are more suspect than whites. Well-dressed people are more suspect then slobs. Teenagers are more suspect than adults. Dress up in your Sunday best If it's the winter, be sure you wear a big bulky coat to shove shit in. Avoid giant retailers like Wal-mart, as they have the loot for state-of-the-art security. Also avoid Mom and Pop spots, as they are usually small and suspicious. Find a "big local" store. As in a business with maybe one or two outlets, only in your city, that is modestly successful. Just pick shit it up and start stuffing it in your coat when noones looking. It's just that easy. Method #2 is getting your friend to dress up like shit, enter the store after you, and pretend not to know you: have him act really suscipious, and he should pick shit up, carry it around the store and put it back in weird places. While the staff is watching him, you, in your best clothes, go around and gank everything in sight. Oh, make sure your friend doesn't steal, too. He'll probably get stopped on his way out of the store. Free Entertainment ----------------- Part I. Music If you've got a computer, you know what to do: Napster! Go ahead and download to your heart's content. But, sadly, the Man will have probably shut it down by the time you read this. There is also IRC. The #mp3 chatrooms are the ones I used to go into before Napster was around. They don't have much in comparsion, but a lot nonetheless. Also, there is always Gnutella, Freenet, and about a million other Napster clones that don't have a central server, and can never be shutdown. Burn CDs and sell them to people without computers for extra money. Avoid the actual internet when looking for MP3s; most web pages that claim to have them do not, and will run you around, clicking their porn or money making banners a million times to make them money (or so they think, until the check never comes). But what if you don't have a computer? BMG and Columbia House are the two major record clubs. Both currently have deals where you get up to twelve CDs for a penny plus shipping and handling, as long as you agree to buy X amount at regular (unbelievably high) club prices. Use a fake name. If you're under 18, all the better, as your signature isn't legally binding, yet they will still accept your application. The beauty of this scam is that you don't have to pay the S&H until after your music gets there, which of course, you're not going to do. The deal is one per household. If you live in a duplex or a house, keep signing up, changing one letter in your name, and making up phony apartment numbers. I know one guy whose dog got 12 free CDs! It'll still get to you even if it's addressed to apartment # 1567A. The record clubs' computers think of it as a separate address. Won't they go after you if you don't pay? Sure, but since you gave them all fake information except for your address, they won't be able to find you once you move, and the bill won't be connected to you. Part II. Books Method 1: Follow the above instructions for music clubs, only substitute book clubs. Method 2: Steal 'em from the library. There is a little metal piece glued on a random page, near the spine of the book. Just find it and scape it off with a razor blade. Now toss it in your backpack. Free computers -------------- Well, this one is easy. To start with you'll need a credit or debit card with at least a $400 limit. MSN and about every other ISP, in an attempt to gain more users is giving $400 instant rebates on new computers. You have to have the money originally because the rebate is paid directly after the purchase. The "deal" is that they trap you into a 3 year service contract in exchange for the rebate. If you stop payment, or try to cancel the service, you have to pay the remaining months off immediately. Don't pay 'em. They'll hound you (at least until you change phone numbers), but there's nothing they can really do, and you've got your free computer. Free money ---------- Yes, the ultimate freebie!! There's one catch: you have to hold a job for at least a few months. Most state unemployment offices have require you to have worked at the same place for a certain amount of time and had your employment terminated involuntarily (ie gotten fired). Find out how long that is. Now, after the time has passed, go up to the boss and tell him to shove his tie up his bitch wifes cunt, or something like that. And I'm sure you'll get fired. You need to show proof that you were out looking for a job at least 30 hours a week to the Unemployment office. No sweat. Just fill out a few apps incompletely and illegibly, mention in the criminal history part that you have multiple felony convictions, and it should be no prob to stay unemployed. Sadly, they will only give out the free money for so long, usually less than a year. If you're really into this scam, just move to a different state and repeat the process. (Almost) free travel ------------------ A) Since noone wants to ride Grayhound anymore, as flight is now relatively cheap and bus stations are filled with winos and other undesirables, they have started offering one way trips to any point in the continental US for $89 to keep passengers with them. You just have to book your trip at least 7 days in advance. B) Air travel is cheaper than ever, but still very expensive. Anyone who pays full price for a ticket is a sucker and deserves it. Of course, they will stick as many people as they can, but when it all comes down to it, they'd rather have more as many seats as possible filled, even if it means making only a small profit or just breaking even. So, they sell blocks of tickets to what are known as air consolidators at a huge discount. That way, the pressure to sell the tickets is on the air consoldiator, and whether the consolidator manages to sell all the tickets or not, the airline as gotten at least some money out of every seat. I recentley flew round trip from Honolulu to Los Angeles for $120 on a ticket I purhased from the air consolidators at www.airtech.com. Guess how much the ticket would have cost if I'd purchased the ticket from US Air? Almost $1,000. That's about a 90% discount. Free internet access ------------------ The rise of the internet has also seen the rise of free ISPs. They make their money off of bandwith-hogging ads that constantly run in a box that they say you're unable to remove. Try netzero.com; bluelight.com and there's a bunch of others. There are a lot of t-files floating around on how to defeat the ad banners, so that shouldn't be a problem. Unfortunately, these ISPS are all for semi-modern computers. So, what if you have a piece of shit like I do? Well, call up your local library's card catalog in Hyperterm or whatever comm program you use. Many of them have text-based internet access for free. Free furniture ------------ Go to a Goodwill in a pickup truck or van late at night. Steal all the furniture that people have dropped off in the back. You should be able to furnish the whole crib from only one run. Drugs ----- Part I. Selling 'em DRUG DEALER - Positon open immediately. Will hire all applicants. Pay is comission-based and commiserate with experience. Flexible schedule; work anytime, day or night, from 1-90 hours a week. Overtime always approved. Job location is on your coach at home, playing video games with your friends. Workplace safety is our number one priority, and should be no problem if you are careful. Lack of education, disabilities, criminal record or military service no barrier to employment. Imagine the astonishment and glee you would feel if you saw that job listing in the classifieds; well, imagine no more, because if you want the job, you're hired! Selling drugs is just like any other retail business, only a hell of a lot easier. It's simple supply and demand and multi-level marketing. The factory (grower) sells it to middlemen who sell it off to other middlemen, who in turn sell it to you in , and you sell it to the consumer. The price is raised slightly by each person in the chain. You buy a larger amount at a discount to sell off in smaller quantities for a profit. It's amazing the money you can make in a small amount of time. Ponder this: you buy an ounce of commercial weed for about $100, which you sell off in eighths for $20 each. You recoup the cost, plus make $60 profit. Now, you repeat the process, and end up with $320 total. Now go and buy yourself a QP (quarter pound or 4 ounces) for $250 and sell it off in eighths. Now you've got $640. You've invested $140 since the beginning, and made $500 profit! If you know a lot of people, you can turn over a QP every few days. It's not difficult to do; just go over to friends' houses like you've always done and always ask if they want some weed. People get busted when they get greedy and sell to people they barely know or total strangers on the street. Be careful, and you can do this forever. Pt. II Cheap, Available and Legal Highs Okay, I'm sure you've all seen those many "home made high" files suggesting you send away for hawaiian woodrose seeds or skin 90 pounds of bananas and assorted other lameness. Despite the fact that this probably doesn't even WORK, do you really wanna spend all day peeling bananas to high? Probably not. So, what this part aims to do is show you highs that are cheap, legal, and readily available throughout most American cities. Notice I didn't say they're safe, so be smart and don't overuse any of these. Some of the below are ALMOST as good as illegal drugs, but you'd be a hell of a lot better off buying a bag of pot for the money. The following highs are for those moments when you want to get effed up and have only a couple dollars. _Robotussin_ Cost: About $3-$4 This is a fairly well known one. You just buy some robotussin and slam about half the bottle. Expect euphoria, sleeplessness, hyperactivity, and possibly nausea. _Mini-Thins_ Cost: about $1 for a pack of six Mini-thins can give you a high better than almost any drug, legal or otherwise. They can also be extremely dangerous and addictive, so use caution. Many athletes have been known to pop one before a game for extra energy. But, for our purposes (getting fucked up), you'll want to take at least 5 or 6. The key ingredient here is Ephedrene, which causes a heroin-like high. It can be very intense. If you start to move, you'll go all hyper and have a lot of energy. If you manage to slow down and lie in bed, you go into a trance-like state and won't move for hours. 'Thins used to be available at almost every gas station, but now that there have been reports of deaths and heart attacks from morons that took 50 of them, you might have to search a lot of Shell's before you find them. Also, according to the package, they are not for sale to minors, but apparently gas station attendants are too stoned to know or care. Remember those "Choose-your-own-adventure" books? Well, this is like that, only "choose-your-own-high." How can it possibly work as both an upper and a downer? Beats me, but it's cool. You really should try it at least once. Caution: they taste like SHIT (trust me), so swallow them as fast as possible , and try not to taste them. _Dust-off / Duster_ Cost: about $5 Both of these are trade names for some chemical that is a computer keyboard cleaner. You probably bought it already to clean off the keyboard after visiting porn sites. Anyway, you should be able to find it at any computer store. What you do is HUFF it. Take the cap off and take a big long deep breath of the shit into your nose. It produces hallucinations equal to peaking on really great acid. The problem is that the effects only last about 30 seconds, and that causes people to go overboard and do it a shitload. Don't go overboard, though, because it kills a lot of what few brain cells you have. _Kava Kava_ Cost: powder form: $10 for about 20 doses; pill form: ??? This is a root that has been in use for hundreds of years in the Pacific Islands of Polynesia, but has recently been "discovered" by the Western World in the last coupIe years. I live in Hawai'i (northern Polynesia), and even though it's technically part of the US, the fact that there is such a large amount of Polynesians living here means it's been popular since I can remember. Here, it's available at every grocery store. I don't know about the rest of the US, but from what I read, it should be available in health food stores and the like in most cities now. It's availble in two forms: pure, ground up powder, and pills that contain it. The pills are more expensive, but you can avoid tasting the bitter root. Preparation (for the powder): put at least four tablespoons of Kava Kava into an 8 ounce glass. Now fill with water and stir. You'll notice that the root is swirling around in the glass. You want to get rid of this "grit." Get a strainer, and put another glass underneath. Pour the beverage into the other glass through the strainer, and you'll see a lot of the stray roots left in the strainer. Wash the strainer out, and repeat 3-4 times until most of the "grit" is gone. Now slam the drink. In about 2 minutes, your lips will go numb, and then you'll feel very, very relaxed. Don't expect to get super messed up; it's a very subtle, but enjoyable high. _Cigarette & Toothpaste Combo_ Cost: <$1 Get a cigarette and smear toothpaste all over it (not the filter, though). Now smoke it. You'll feel very disoriented, euphoric and "sloppy" for about 20 minutes. From what I've heard, this works by cutting off oxygen to your brain. If you're not a smoker, this should be even better as you'll also get effed up from the nicotine. Free Batteries ------------- Go to Radio Shack; buy a 12-pack of their Enercell Batteries. Use 'em all, now take them all pack in the package, say you weren't satisfied, and they'll give you your money back. There should be no need for play acting; trust me, you sincereley WON'T be satisfied, as these are the weakest batteries I've ever seen and last about a fourth the time as similar priced battteries. The "Steal This Text File" theme song --------------------------------- (Rap of course; this IS the 21st century!) Ay yo ay yo ay yo Motherfuckers hope That i don't smoke they memory With a phat bag of Sensi Or skunk and my shit whumps in the year 2001, a fuckin' space odyssey I got more bitches than a kennel G Ho please step off the P-E Nis and I'mma flip jokers like burgers The lyrical hurter is back on the scene Straight up 'bout the cream If wanna test this there finna to be a murder scene yeah I got mad pockets and black eye sockets So lay down bitch and I'mma knock it but don't rock it The boat I mean or I'll whoomp like Tag Team I got helly dreams of triple beams Picture me, dangerous MC in O'ahu Hawai'i with mad bitches, brews blunts and stuff I gat muthafuckas; now what, who's tough? peace ------------- Now you may telling yourself "Pavement just wanted an excuse to write a rap" or maybe even "why the hell was that in there?" Nothing could be further from the truth! In fact, the song was symbolic. Imagine this text file as The Man, and the theme song as you -- the theme song had nothing to do with the text file and came out better for it at the end. Yeah, thats it. Now fuck off!