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Real DOS User's Guide
release 3
by Burnin' of UNKNOWN Prez
Oct 16th, 2001
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Introduction
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DOS - old, primitive, basically forgotten. People are using powerful
multitasking operating systems like WindBlows (yeah, right) and Linux,
some younger computer fans don't even know what DOS is. But that doesn't
mean a thing, at least until there still exist some REAL DOS USERS.
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Real DOS users
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- IRL -
Real DOS users are older than 14 years
Real DOS users are plain looking
Corollary: if they wouldn't look plain then they would be in something
ultra-radical like neon-green or naked
Real DOS users can speak in at least 2 different non-native languages
Real DOS users like T-Shirts
Corollary: they don't have many
Real DOS users like coats
Corollary: if they had the cuts they'd look like Nicholas Cage as Castor Troy
when he and his brother entered the plane in the beginning of "Face/Off"
Real DOS users usually get hungry at that time when other people go to sleep
Real DOS users usually get sleepy about then when common people are getting up
Real DOS users, if let, sleep at least 10,5 hours
Real DOS users, if let, don't get up before 12 o'clock
Real DOS users can live at least 2,5 days without any food without a problem
Real DOS users drink at least 2 liters of liquid every day
Real DOS users drink Coca Cola
Corollary: they notice the different taste of Pepsi
Corollary 2: The Coca Cola Company is the only corporation that a real DOS
user supports
Real DOS users know that coffeen+sugar is the basis of true human life
Corollary: real DOS users are addicted to coffeen and sugar and can't live
without them
Real DOS users don't watch sports
Corollary: they know that sports is for making and not watching
Real DOS users are amazingly healthy when considered that they try to keep
the amount of physical movements minimal
Real DOS users realize that capitalism is evil
Corollary: they also realize that the so called democracy which governments
say they follow is a mask to hide capitalism
Corollary to the above: a real DOS user knows that the cyber-age has come and
so considers himself to be a basic cyberpunk
Corollary to the above: he knows enough about cyberpunk to realize that the
above 2 lines aren't out of context
Real DOS users are cypherpunks
Corollary: they have the latest version of PGPi for DOS
Corollary to the above: they also have a program for every well-known
encryption algorithm like DES, BLOWFISH, IDEA, CAST, RIJNDAEL, etc.
Corollary 2: if real DOS users wouldn't be so lazy they would re-build their
place like Mel Gibson had it in "Conspiracy Theory"
Corollary 3: the handwriting of a real DOS user is hashed and then scrambled
Corollary to the above: he has enough brains to encrypt the text
on-the-fly in his head
Corollary to the above: his brain has also built-in wipe-after-successful-
encryption function
Corollary to the above: that should explain why people sometimes wonder "what
the hell did this guy do in school"
Corollary 4: a real DOS user regularly wipes his harddrive's free space and
empty space at files ends
Corollary to the above: he has atleast 3 different wiping programs on his HD
Corollary 5: a real DOS user has an encrypted partition or virtual disk where
he keeps everything he don't want others to see
Corollary to the above: it's DEFINITELY something else than Norton Diskreet
Corollary 6: a real DOS user has set up his system so it has more passwords
than an average high-risk governmental security system
- OS -
Real DOS users can name atleast 5 different DOS distributions
Real DOS users' computer boots to DOS by default (in case he has other OS's on
the HD)
Corollary: his computer is equipped with a boot manager
Corollary to the above: a real DOS user has XOSL
Corollary to the above: XOSL rules!
Corollary 2 to the text 2 lines above: a real DOS user has a videocard which
supports VESA in hardware
Real DOS users know that the grooviest DOS ever is PhysTechSoft's PTS-DOS 2000
Corollary: they spent the 5 minutes to find the byte which to patch to get
rid of the 1 minute delay by booting
Real DOS users consider only Linux without X-Windows as a possible
alternative to DOS
Real DOS users have thought about writing their own version of DOS
- HARDWARE -
Real DOS users have at least three computers
Corollary: at least two of them are turned in all the time
Corollary to the above: a real DOS user knows how to make the electricity
counter of his apartment stop and/or he's not the one who's paying for the
electricity
Real DOS users have at least a 286
Corollary: it's an AMD or Cyrix or what ever, just NOT Intel
Corollary 2: a real DOS user would never, ever, use a machine which has a
68xxx processor
Real DOS users have a modem of at least 2400bps
Corollary: they wish they'd have a better modem
Real DOS users have a slow CD-ROM
Corollary: it's some exotic drive which doesn't work with universal drivers
Corollary 2: real DOS users have most of their stuff on CDs
Corollary 3: they use a CD cache
Corollary to the above: they managed to find one
Corollary 2 to corollary 3: they also have enough upper memory to stuff
another cache into it
Real DOS users have a mouse but only because some weak programs need it
Corollary: real DOS users use jTSR so they can hide the annoying mouse
cursor when it's not currently needed
Corollary to the above: they're too lazy to load and unload the mouse driver
just because of two or three programs
Corollary to the corollary: a real DOS user has jTSR which basically means he
knows CyberRax, the author of jTSR
Real DOS users have seen a 8" floppy
Real DOS users have at least two 5,25" disk drives and seven 5,25" floppies
Real DOS users have at least 10 CDs
Corollary: a real DOS user has written at least half of his CDs himself
Real DOS users can quite well live with a HD of 40MB
Corollary: they have at least 50 diskettes
Real DOS users have a COVOX
Corollary: they didn't build it themselves
Real DOS users have set the booting sequence to C: A:
Corollary: a real DOS user is aware of bootsector viruses
Corollary 2: a real DOS user would never, ever, permanently use a BIOS where
you can't set the booting sequence
Real DOS users messed a whole day with BIOS setting to get a higher index
from AT Performance
Corollary: a real DOS user is a maximalist
Real DOS users don't think that it's impossible to work with a 286/10MHz with
1MB memory and MDA monitor
Corollary: they used one themselves and still have it
Corollary of the above: the eyes of a real DOS user ain't the best anymore
Real DOS users's computer is powerful enough to run everything the user
wants to run
Corollary: a real DOS user runs only programs of which he knows that his
machine is powerful enough to run them
Corollary 2: he doesn't have a problem with the CRT bug in TP7 programs
Corollary to the above: his PC's CPU has less than 200MHz and/or he knows
where to get programs which can patch the buggy code
- SOFTWARE -
Real DOS users know that the best user interface is the 'commander' which
was started by Norton Commander
Real DOS users tend to use NCEdit for all kind of editing
Corollary: if it's not NCEdit then it's some other small/fast editor which
supports NCEdit's key-layout
Real DOS users who have a decent machine use ACE for archiving
Real DOS users who don't have a decent machine use RAR for archiving
Corollary: if someone uses ZIP or ARJ for regular archiving then he
definitely ain't a real DOS user
Real DOS users know that the only REAL expanded memory manager out there is
QEMM
Real DOS users know that Norton Cache is the best disk cache there is
Real DOS users find COMBI-Disk pretty interesting but probably don't use it
Real DOS users know that Norton Speed Disk is the best disk defragmenter there
is
Real DOS users own the whole Norton Utils and/or PC Tools package(s)
Real DOS users have some fast boot program loaded
Corollary: real DOS users aren't happy when the boot takes 30 seconds
Corollary to the above: they jump from joy if it takes only 27 seconds
Corollary to the above: they jump even more when after re-arranging
CONFIG.SYS and AUTOEXEC.BAT the reboot takes 18 seconds
Real DOS users use TurboCopy
Real DOS users know that SHSUCDX is the best CD-extensions program there is
Corollary: they noticed the lacks of MSCDEX
Corollary to the above: if a real DOS user would use CLOAKING he perhaps would
even use the modified version of MSCDEX
Corollary to the above: real DOS users know which program provides CLOAKING
Real DOS users have at least 15 TSRs loaded
Corollary: they'd load more if they'd have more UMBs
Real DOS user most likely uses 4DOS or some other advanced command interpreter
Real DOS users have some anti-viral TSR(s) loaded
Corollary: they aren't afraid of viruses anymore
Corollary to the above: they don't rely on the TSR(s) but update and use their
copy of F-Prot quite often
Real DOS users probably have some crash-recovery TSR loaded
- WIN -
Real DOS users think that Wincloset and Mac users are wimps
Real DOS users know that almost anything that can be done under WinS*** can
be done under DOS
Corollary: they have read the "Why You Should Use DOS" textfile
Real DOS users don't have Win on their HD, only the installation package on
some CD
Real DOS users own Winblows only because (Win)Soft-ICE, TR2000 and EDump (II)
run under it
Corollary: a real DOS user is advanced enough to use those programs
Real DOS users know that the only good thing about WinToad is the start up
screen
Corollary: they use Blackout package to get the same effect
Real DOS users find that long file names are only useful for MP3 naming
Corollary: if a real DOS user is forced to use Wishhh95+ then he saves all
the files under names with at least 61 characters
Corollary to the corollary: he likes to annoy people
- PLAYING -
Real DOS users play strategy games like WarCraft ][
Real DOS users sometimes play MUD
Real DOS users occasionally, for example in a situation of absolute boredom,
play fighting games like Street Fighter or Mortal Combat
Real DOS users think that doomsters aka first-person-shoot-games like
Wolfenstein 3D and it's followers (DOOM, Quake, Half-Life and others) are
only good for filling the empty space on your new CD-R if you couldn't find
700 megs of MEANINGFUL stuff
Real DOS users aren't players, they play only once in a while
Corollary: real DOS users think that people who do nothing but playing should
be shot
- PROGRAMMING -
Real DOS users can program
Real DOS users know assembly
Real DOS users use DG and TR for debugging
Corollary: they think that Turbo Debugger is for wussies
Corollary 2: a real DOS user debugs code which crashes TD
Corollary 3: he knows that those two debuggers complement each other
Corollary to the above: a real DOS user knows which line in the CONFIG.SYS of
most ORDINARY PC lUSERS prevents DG from loading
Real DOS users know that the best hex editor is HIEW
Corollary: real DOS users also know that all good hex editors are called *IEW
Corollary to the above: they can name at least 2 more programs which are named
*IEW which means they know what the '*' stands for
Corollary 2 to the corollary: they would never hack with something called
HEXED or ZAP
Real DOS users always have some project going
Corollary: they don't get enough sleep
Corollary to the above: if they do get enough sleep they never get anything
done
- VOLKOV COMMANDER -
Real DOS users know that Volkov Commander is the coolest commander ever
Corollary: they find DOS Navigator over-bloated and/or too slow
Real DOS users use the 'quick execute commands' option of VC
Real DOS users have a problem with the 511 bytes size limit of VC 4.x's .EXT
files
Real DOS users *actually* use the user menu of VC
Real DOS users have mailed comments about VC to V. V. Volkov
Corollary: they know his email-address
Real DOS users have included most of their programs in the user menu
Corollary: they still execute most programs by typing the name on the
commandline
- TV & CINEMA -
Real DOS users take movie characters for role model
Real DOS users have seen everything that's worth seeing
Real DOS users watch shows like Simpsons, Beavis & Butt-head, South Park,
Futurama, Celebrity Death-Match and Daria
Corollary: as one can guess a real DOS user pukes on crap like Teletubbies
Real DOS users like the sick humor of Beavis & Butt-head and Monty Python
Real DOS users like comedy, horror and science fiction movies
Real DOS users know who are the 3 great new age monsters of cinema
Corollary: because of respect would a real DOS user never use the names Jason,
Michael or Freddy as his alias, even if his real name is/resembles to one
of them
Real DOS users know that Neve Campbell is the coolest scream queen ever
Corollary: they also know that Neve is the best female actor in this galaxy
Corollary to the above: they would join Neve's official fan club, if there
wouldn't be that darn membership cost
Real DOS users comments to others before most movies: "I've seen this one"
Corollary: a real DOS user is considered by the surrounding people to be an
expert in the subject of television/movies
Real DOS users like to go to the cinema
Corollary: they usually live near one
Corollary to the above: they've subscribed to the mailing list of that cinema
Real DOS users' TV is turned on most of the time
Corollary: they usually turn it on within 1 minute after coming in
Corollary: the TV of a real DOS user is most likely plugged together with the
computers so they all turn on together
Real DOS users DO NOT watch soap operas
Real DOS users often channelsurf and/or -check (channelsurf with short,
prefferably not longer than one word, commentary about the running show)
- MISC -
Real DOS users are computer hackers in the original sense of the word
Real DOS users have named their computers
Corollary: they probably have also named their harddrives
Real DOS users love COM format
Real DOS users like the real mode
Corollary: a real DOS user most likely uses HiRAM, Last Byte Memory Manager
or something similar instead of QEMM
Corollary to the corollary: his PC doesn't have enough gadgets to run UMBPCI
Real DOS users like to listen to MODs
Real DOS users like to listen to MP3s
Corollary: if a real DOS user owns a sound card then he uses MPXPlay
Corollary to the above: if he doesn't have a sound card then he uses DSS
Corollary to the above: a real DOS user can use every piece of software there
is no matter what language it's in
Corollary 2 to the text 3 lines above: a real DOS user doesn't let the lack of
hardware stop him from doing what he wants
Real DOS users don't understand why someone produces an EXE if it's under 65kB
and ain't an EXE-device-driver combo
Real DOS users have created their own geek-code block
Real DOS users have at least 15 different bootdisquettes
Corollary: at least 12 of them are stored as disk-images on some unknown CD
Real DOS users don't understand why some programs need EMS when there's XMS
Real DOS users find sickening that almost every program nowadays uses a DOS
extender
Real DOS user have multiple configurations in their CONFIG.SYS
Real DOS users' AUTOEXEC.BAT is at least 1,5kB
Real DOS users don't like warez but use them because they don't have any money
Corollary: real DOS users like GPL
Corollary to the above: they rather not distribute their programs under it
Real DOS users have no problem filling 3 CDs only with DOS software
Real DOS users have the source of MS-DOS 6.20
Real DOS users don't use backup programs
Corollary: they like to live dangerously
Corollary 2: they've had at least two HD crashes
Real DOS users like textfiles
Corollary: they think that the inventor of PDF is complete idiot
Real DOS users have read the whole Jargon File 4
Real DOS users have at least 3 different versions of "The Anarchists Handbook"
Real DOS users love ASCII art
Real DOS users constantly monitor the "Interesting DOS Programs", "Freeware
DOS Programs" and FreeDOS sites
Real DOS users know that Bill Gates is the Anti-Christ
Corollary: they'd rather use some other DOS than MS-DOS
Corollary to the corollary: they still use MS-DOS because UMMs tend to not
work with others
Real DOS users aren't afraid of the DOS commandline
Real DOS users know that computers are not meant for drawing, painting,
picture editing or any other kind of dealing with graphics, except perhaps
viewing
Real DOS users know that the smallest doesn't-matter-what's-in-the-memory
program which won't hang has the size of 1 byte
Real DOS users know about most of their 3000+ files what those are exactly
good for
Real DOS users have at least 598kB free conventional memory after loading
everything
Real DOS users appreciate programmers who write TSRs which occupy less than
3kB memory
Real DOS users think that the 'loadhigh' command is the coolest thing since
DOS 3.0
Real DOS users know that DOS will never die
Real DOS users resemble in many aspects to J. Random Hacker
Real DOS users own all programs mentioned in this textfile except perhaps
doomsters
Real DOS users know what things mentioned in this textfile like hashing, MODs,
encryption, UMB, partition manager, J. Random Hacker, etc. is/are/means, ie
they actually know what I'm talking about
Real DOS users have seen all movies mentioned in here
Real DOS users are almost non-existing, because one has to match to EVERY
statement in this textfile
Corollary: the rest is easy, but who the f*** is CyberRax?
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Conclusion
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Real DOS users are nothing more than dedicated fans. And they're quite OK. At
least until you don't say something like: "DOS is dead" or "Windows is the
best OS there is"