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Real DOS User's Guide
ver. 1.0
by Burnin' of UNKNOWN Prez
December 3, 2000
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Introduction
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It's the year 2000 (soon 2001). 5 years ago MicroSlot came out with a
'revolutionary' OS: Win95. Most people have moved from DOS to Win and
some younger computer fans don't even know what DOS is. But that doesn't
stop a REAL DOS user.
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Real DOS users
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Real DOS users are older than 15 years
Real DOS users aren't RealDOS users
Real DOS users' computer boots to DOS by default (in case he/she has other
OS' on the HD)
Real DOS users know that the grooviest DOS ever is PhysTechSoft's PTS-DOS 2000
Corollary: they spent the 5 minutes to find the byte which to patch to get
rid of the 1 minute delay by booting
Real DOS users can program
Real DOS users know that the best user interface is the 'commander' which
was started by Norton Commander
Real DOS users know that Volkov Commander is the coolest commander ever
Corollary: they find that DOS Navigator is over-bloated
Real DOS users own Winblows only because Soft-ICE runs under it
Corollary: real DOS users own the DOS version but find that it lacks some
features
Real DOS users know that almost anything that can be done under WinS*** can
be done under DOS
Real DOS users who have a decent machine use ACE for archiving
Real DOS users who don't have a decent machine use RAR for archiving
Corollary: if someone uses ZIP or ARJ for archiving then he/she definitely
ain't a real DOS user
Real DOS users have a mouse but only because some weak programs need it
Real DOS users don't load their mouse driver from CONFIG.SYS or AUTOEXEC.BAT
Corollary: they load it only when they are about to run one of those weak
programs
Corollary to the corollary: real DOS users use jTSR so they can hide the
annoying mouse cursor when it's not currently needed
Real DOS users have at least 15 TSRs loaded
Corollary: they'd load more if they'd have more UMBs
Real DOS users know that the only REAL expanded memory manager out there is
QEMM
Real DOS users like the real mode
Corollary: a real DOS user most likely uses HiRAM instead of QEMM
Corollary to the corollary: a real DOS user knows German
Real DOS users like to listen to MODs
Corollary: real DOS users know what MODs are
Real DOS users like to listen to MP3s
Corollary: if a real DOS user owns a sound card then he uses DOSAMP
Corollary to the corollary: if he doesn't have a sound card then he uses DSS
Corollary to the corollary to the corollary: a real DOS user can use every
piece of software there is no matter what language it's in
Real DOS users love COM format
Real DOS users don't understand why someone produces an EXE if it's under 65kB
Real DOS users have a slow CD-ROM
Corollary: they have most of their stuff on CDs
Real DOS users know that Norton Cache is the best disk cache there is
Real DOS users find COMBI-Disk pretty interesting but don't use it
Real DOS users can quite well live with a HD of 40MB
Corollary: they have at least 50 diskettes
Real DOS users don't understand why some programs need EMM when there's XMS
Real DOS users find sickening that almost every program nowadays uses a DOS
extender
Real DOS users messed a whole day with BIOS setting to get a higher index
from AT Performance
Corollary: a real DOS user is a maximalist
Real DOS users have some fast boot program loaded
Corollary: real DOS users aren't happy when the boot takes 29 seconds
Corollary to the corollary: they jump from joy if it takes only 20 seconds
Real DOS users have set the booting sequence to C: A:
Corollary: a real DOS user is aware of viruses
Corollary 2: a real DOS user would never, ever, use a BIOS where you can't
set the booting sequence
Real DOS users don't like warez but use them because they don't have any money
Corollary: real DOS users like GPL
Corollary to the corollary: they rather not distribute their programs under it
Real DOS users have the latest version of PGPi
Corollary: they know where to get it
Real DOS users have no problem filling 3 CDs only with DOS software
Real DOS users have the source of MS-DOS 6.20
Real DOS users play strategy games like WarCraft ][
Real DOS users have an off-line version of MUD
Real DOS users think that Wolfenstein 3D and it's followers (DOOM and others)
are only good for virus spreading
Real DOS users aren't players, they play only once in a while
Corollary: real DOS users think that people who do nothing but playing should
be shot
Real DOS users use TurboCopy
Real DOS users use DG or TR for debugging
Corollary: they think that Turbo Debugger is for wussies
Real DOS users know that the best hex editor is HIEW
Real DOS users don't use backup programs
Corollary: they like to live dangerously
Corollary 2: they have had at least two HD crashes
Real DOS users don't think that it's impossible to work with a 286/10MHz which
has a MDA monitor
Corollary: they used one themselves and still have it
Corollary of the corollary: the eyes of a real DOS user ain't the best anymore
Real DOS users have at least two computers
Real DOS users always have some project going
Corollary: they don't get enough sleep
Real DOS users like textfiles
Corollary: they think that the inventor of PDF is a nut case
Real DOS users have a problem with the 511 bytes size limit of VC 4.x's .EXT
files
Real DOS users use the 'quick execute commands' option of VC
Real DOS users constantly monitor the 'Interesting DOS Programs', 'Freeware
DOS Programs' and FreeDOS sites
Real DOS users have a modem of at least 2400bps
Real DOS users have seen a 8" floppy
Real DOS users have at least one 5,25" disk drive and seven 5,25" floppies
Real DOS users drink Coca Cola
Corollary: they notice the different taste of Pepsi
Real DOS users think that Wincloset and Mac users are wimps
Real DOS users consider only Linux without X-Windows as a possible
alternative to DOS
Real DOS users don't have Win on their HD, only the installation package on
some badly working CD
Real DOS users know that SHSUCDX is the best CDX program there is
Real DOS users know that Bill Gates is the Anti-Crist
Corollary: they'd rather use some other DOS than MS-DOS
Corollary to the corollary: they still use MS-DOS because HiRAM won't work
with others
Real DOS users tend to use NCEdit for all kind of editing
Real DOS users aren't afraid of the DOS commandline
Real DOS users know assembly
Real DOS users know that computers are not meant for drawing
Real DOS users know that the smallest program which won't hang has the size of
1 byte
Real DOS users know that Norton Speed Disk is the best disk defragmenter there
is
Real DOS users have a COVOX
Corollary: they didn't build it themselves
Real DOS users find that long file names are only useful for MP3 naming
Real DOS users know about most of their files what those are exactly good for
Real DOS users love ASCII art
Real DOS users know that the only good thing about WinToad is the start up
screen
Corollary: they use Blackout package to get the same effect
Real DOS users have at least 600kB free base memory after loading everything
Real DOS user have multiple configurations in their CONFIG.SYS
Real DOS users have thought about writing their own version of DOS
Real DOS users appreciate programmers who write TSRs which occupy less than
3kB memory
Real DOS users think that the 'loadhigh' command is the coolest thing since
DOS 2.0
Real DOS users know that DOS will never die
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Conclusion
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If you're lucky (or unfortunate) enough you'll meet a real DOS user one day.
Hope that day comes soon. Or are afraid of that.