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The Book That Shall Not Be Named By: H. R. Puff 'n' Stuff Chapter 1 It was the begining of the fall season and the wind was blowing and I could see up her skirt. She wore white panties with a rose on the front. The change from spring to summer to fall and to winter are sights so beautiful that the eye can only concive in a dream. Especial in the fall season.The way the leaves change colors and the wind starts to blow harder. But besides that, it was a lovely fall day. the sun was shining and the leaves were falling. I was walking down the street just walking when I looked down and saw that someone had dropped their wallet. I picked it up and opened it and when I looked inside I saw $100 worth in singles. So, I went to a stripper bar and spent every dollar. And it was worth every penny or should I say dollar. Now I was stubbling home form all the liquior I drank and as I'm walking home I see a purple elephant. He was a big elephant he had a yellow smily face with squigly eyes tattooed on his ass. He spoke to me in a deep voice he asked if I would like to a song with him. But what intrests me was the choice of song. He want me to sing the chitty-chitty bang-bang song with him. So, we start walking down the street singing "chitty- chitty bang-bang we love you, chitty-chitty bang-bang loves us too." When we get to the front door of my house the elephant asks me if he could come in for a drink and a smoke. I told him I don't care I don't even live here. So, we go inside and sit down on the couch and start watching television. That 70s Show was on and Hyde was kicking Kelso's ass. It was funny so we both laughed. After That 70s Show went off I changed the channel and AdultSwim was on. They were showing that episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force where it was Meatwad's birthday and Master Shake was headbanging. It was funny so we laughed. It was getting late so I turned off the television and went to bed. My friend the purple elephant slept on the couch and the house was quite once again. Goodnight Moon. Chapter 2 It was a beautiful morning, but unfortunately I had a hangover so I couldn't enjoy it but it was still pretty good. The purple elephant was gone now but he left a sticky note that said "Dear Tommy, I've gone out for tea and crumpets." So I went to the kitchen and made some beacon, "It's Beacon!!!," and eggs with a bowl of Pops, "Gotta Have My Pops," and some buttered toast with gravey. There was no orange juice so I had a rusty nail instead. It was the best rusty nail I ever made. After my long breakfast I stumbled to the bathroom to throw up and the door was locked. So I threw up in the hall, and it smelled like rotten pinnaples. Then I started singing chitty-chitty bang-bang again. I laughed. I went back upstairs to get dress to go to work, but I remembered that I didn't have a job so I went back to bed. I woke up at 5:30 in the afternoon, so I had breakfast again. I drank a coke and when I looked under the cap it said that I won a free coke, but I was delusional so I didn't believe it. I decided to go out for a walk and say stupid stuff to random people that I don't even know. I walked up to this one guy and said,"Excuse me sir but I have a cracker up my ass." "Paulie want a cracker?" When asked him his name he said it was Paul. How ironic. He laughed at me for what I said and I laughed too. We invited me to have a cup of coffee with him. So we went to a nearby Starbucks and sat down by the front window. He ordered a cup of coffee and I ordered as much as I could eat because it was free. Paul gladly paid for everything. The bill was $152.42. I thought "Whats wrong with this guy? He just paid $152 to feed some guy he doesn't even know." We started talking and I soon found out why he was so generous. He was a Christian. So I did what I always did. I ran out screaming "Why me, why me!" After running for 5 minutes in any direction I could I finally stopped in an ally and said to myself, "Man. That was a close one. I'm safe again." But moving on from that I started walking down the street again saying stupid things to random people. I said things like,"I like your pants, and nice ass Jerry." Then out of no where I saw the twinkie mobil it was yellow with creme filling. It stopped and I said hello. The driver said "Hey, I like your pants." I was shocked and then I burst out in laughter. Then this guy started throwing twinkies at me and I said,"What the hell, I'm not the twinkie king. Eric is!" So he threw them at some other guy. Dumbass. Chapter 3 After freaking people out for about an three hours, I decided to go back home and think of new stupid things I can do. After I thought of something I called my friend, he who shall not be named, because he has a camcorder. He comes over and I tell him about the idea. "Okay first, we're gonna get a shopping cart and attach it to the back of your car then we,re gonna go to the freeway and I'm gonna get in the shopping cart and then your gonna pull me through Sunday traffic and I'm gonna scream bloody hell while eatting a donut from Krispy Kreme. All we need is some one to hold the camera and a donut from Krispy Kreme." Then he said,"I could call my friend Joey."Then I said,"Sweet! Lets go." So we went and picked up Joey and started off to the freeway. When we got to the freeway we pulled over and hooked up the buggy. I hopped in and they drove off with me draging behind. I woke up in a twinkie factory with a broken head. The twinkie docter said, "I was lucky to be alive," but at least I finished my donut. I decided to go home and when I got outside I saw a magic bunny with a top hat, bow tie and a cape on while playing a banjo and singing Home on the Range while floating in the sky. He also had a magic wand and a mask with a crazy eye and a button nose. I laughed. Then I went to the street corner and bought a four-finger lid and went home to get really baked. On the way I picked up some vodka and root beer. After drinking an entire 30 ounce bottle of vodka and smoking that lid of magic grass, I was so stoned I couldn't move and I started seeing spots and pink and purple animals. Then the purple elephant came in with the tea and crumpets and I passed out on the couch. The next morning I woke up on a sidewalk in Mexico City with One hell of a hangover and a bad attitude problem. LIfe gets more crazy everyday. Chapter 4 So I'm in Mexico City with no clue how I got here and nobody speaks english. "Damn." But at least there's a bar so I'll live. I go inside and sit down at the bar. The bartender asks me what I want to drink and I'm like,"Thank God somebody speaks english." I asked for a rusty nail and and a shot of bourbon. It was good not the best but good. But the main thing was that it was cheap so I was happy. After talking with the bartender for awhile I found out away to get back home for nearly no money. So there I am clibbing across the fence on the border running like a bat out of hell trying to get away from the border patrol and I got shot in the ass. I made it to Los Angeles but I got shot in the ass. "Damn." Getting shot in the ass hurts like hell. I called a guy I knew and he took the bullet out and that hurt even more. "Damn." I called a friend to wire me some money so I can go home but he had to go to Pittsburg. "Bastard." So I started my new life in Los Angeles. I hate California. Now I have to get a job. "Damn it." So I got a job with the mafia stealing CDs and drugs stuff like that. Its not that great but at least the pay is good, and I get full heath coverage. There was this bar that I went to every night after pulling a heist or whatever, but one day I noticed something, something different. Then I looked over behind me and there was this girl sitting at a booth with her friends looking at me. And she was a pretty hot ass bitch. She had long black hair, the face of a devient angel, a perfect chest, long ass legs, and an ass like you wouldn't believe. Damn she was fine. She came up and asked the bartender for a black russian and sat down beside me. We started talking and she asked me if I wanted to go with her and her friends to a party. I told her, "Sorry babe, but I gotta get some sleep tonight. I gotta rob a bank in the morning." She said, "How would ya like to sleep with me?" "Damn. Lets go." Next morning I'm back in Mexico City again."Damn it. Could life get any worse?" I decide to try to learn some spanish and start living in Mexico for awhile. So I went back to that bar to see if I could get a job, and I got one but at the same time I'm learning some spanish so that was pretty cool. Pretty soon I saved enough money to get an apartment and start my new life in Mexico. Happy birthday. The End Part Two Return of the Magic Grass from Mexico Chapter 1 It was a beautiful day in Mexico City. It was sunset and the pollution painted the sky in the most beautiful colors. But it was how the colors were shown by the Suns bright burning light. I was on my way home from work and I saw this guy getting his ass kicked in an ally so I pointed and laughed. When I got to the front door I notice it was open so I knew somebody broke in, I don't have anything wroth stealing so I wasn't worried. I went into the kitchen to get something to drink but, the refrigerator was empty so I just crashed on the couch. I turned on the television to see what was on and AdultSwim was doing a recap of there shows so I watched that for three hours and passed out on the couch. The next morning I went down to the coast to score some girls and the beach was closed because of some hurricane so scratch that idea. I decided to go to a bar nearby and get a drink, and it was closed too. "Damn hurricane." So now I had drive back home and go to the bar I usually go to which ain't that bad because Carlos the bartender there makes a mean rusty nail. But it was still a pretty good day. There sky was fully covered by dark black storm clouds and it began to rain. "I love the rain." So when I got to the bar I noticed some about it that I did not like very much at all...it was closed. "Shit." Then I started thinking about amish people. "Wow. Oh buttered toast with gravey. Ummmm gravey," but moving on. I went and parked my car and started walking down the street. I saw this kid standing on the corner selling Chiclets and crack. I felt sorry for the poor kid so I bought everything he had. When I got home I relized I had just spent 800 pesos on crack and chewing gum, and I didn't even concider the heath risks. I mean the gum could be poisonous, but then again I didn't care, so I ate it anyway. I wasn't worried about the crack. So I grab a coke from the frig and I spill it on some of the crack and the shit turned blue. "Oh my god, its Ajax! Oh well, Ajax does the same damn thing so snort, snort." Thats why it was so cheap. I thought it was a buy one get one free. Buy the gum get the crack free. After I snorted a few hundred lines of Ajax I got the munchies and I ate six bags of those chocolate chips that you bake with. So afterwards I had to go to the bathroom and that burned. Yeah but when I was done I looked in the toilet and my shit was blue. "Damn. I'm never doing Ajax again." You would think the chocolate chips would even it out. And I didn't even get a good buzz out of that. Damn its like drinking too much Gatorade cause that shit burns too. But at least I saw the pretty colors. That next morning I woke up with a bad ass mother fucking headache. So I called a guy and got him to hook me up with a shit load of magic grass for about 200 pesos. So I go and get the weed, go home and start rolling a joint the size of a pickle jar. And After that one little joint I was so stoned that I couldn't move, see, or even speak. I was a vegatable. The next morning I wake up in Cleveland tied to a light pole with a hat on that says "Big Daddy " on the front. "Damn thats some good magic grass." So after I got untied from the light pole I went to a phone booth started looking for a guy named Drew Carey just for the hell of it. And when I found some one close to where I was, I went to his house and rang the door bell. When he opened the door I said, "Hey, your on Candid Camera " and then ran away screaming bloody hell. I died laughing afterwards. Their was a funeral and everything except nobody came. "Those bastards." Oh well, moving on from that I found another bar and went in for a drink and when I walked in everyone had started looking at me funny like I was a stranger. Two hours later I walked out of there so shit faced drunk I couldn't walk straight. I was stumbling all over the place, running ito things and speaking in tongues. I got hit by several cars. After they hit me I'd just get right back up and walk away. It was a hit and stumble. Chapter 2 I was stumbling down the road and I ran into a mailbox and fell asleep in front of it. The next morning I wake up in Nebraska in amish country. "Oh sexy amish." But no seriously I'm stuck in amish land, its like an amusement park but without the amusement. And theres no controled substances for miles. That means no weed, no crack, no coke, no meth, no ice, no rusty nails, and definantly no Coca- Cola. Its Red Bullshit. Oh and the name of the town is Farfignewton. Now thats cool as shit. But no I met this girl and I got her to give me a ride out to another city in another state where theres civilization, you know stuff like fire and the wheel. "Whoa." The trip took several days but it was still pretty cool. I got to travel in a wagon with a horse and a sexy amish girl. "Dude." I ended up in Colorado with a bag of flour and a black hat. "Oh sexy." So the first thing I saw was a giant peanut and I don't know why. "Man, I want to go back to Cleveland or Idaho where I can watch the potatos grow. Hey that rhymes. Home, home on the range..." I love that song. I broke in to some guys house in some neighborhood and found a shit load of magic grass, Coca-Cola with lime, and Chiklets. "Damn I'm good, real good yeah." So I did the resposible thing and I stole every damn thing I could even the lawn chairs. But as I was taking all this stuff I noticed that I didn't have a lighter. "Shit." So I seached the entire house looking for a damn mother-fucking piss-ass lighter and couldn't find shit. What kind of a stupid ass mother-fucking person has all this weed and no fucking lighter. Its just not right, its just not fucking right. Oh well no big deal I'll just buy one at the Kwiky Mart. So on my way to the Kwiky Mart I thought of something really smart, wow thats rare, but anyway just in case I end up in amish land again or some where else like that then I should carry a small bag of magic grass in my pants. I'll carry just enough to make two or three small joints about the size of a pickle jar. Pretty smart right? "Cool." So then I walked in through the front door of the Kwiky Mart, and the guy behind the cash register had stated looking at me funny like he liked looking at me. Then he looked at my ass and then I found out that he was gay which was cool I got no problems with that. I set him straight and told him that I wasn't gay but that the guy behind me was flamming and that was cool cause the guy got jumped. So I pointed and laughed. "Ha ha." Oh well got to keep rolling down the road. Sweet potato pie. "Ummmm pie." Chapter 3 "And then there was God." That was so random, I love random thought. The mind of someone who is dazed and confused, its beautiful. "Cool I found a penny. Now I'll have good luck the next time I fuck. Cool." I'm gonna need all the luck I can get cause I have to get to the border and I have no idea where I'm going. Oh well I'm not worried. "Don't worry, be happy." Thats a cool song. I made it down to Reno, Nevada and went to a couple of casinos and played some Blackjack. I'm real good at Blackjack. I can get real lucky in a good game of Blackjack. When I was a kid I wouldn't beat up kids for their lunch money I'd steal it from them in a nice unfriendly game of Blackjack. Not that I cheated or anything cause back then I didn't know how to cheat and I still don't I just have a natural born talent for Blackjack. So I'm inside the casino, I don't remeber the name but, I walked inside with some cash cause I sold some of the weed I stole and got a hundred dollars in change at table 6. The dealer was tall and skinny with light skin and a pale face that was blank , the face of a dealer that you couldn't read until you've already lost the game. I looked at him straight in the eye and asked him,"Have you ever been constipated?" Now his face wasn't so blank anymore. It went from blank to bright red so I pointed and laughed. I bet everything on one hand and left the table. I won so I doubled my money. Then changed my chips into cash and went to another casino and did the same thing. In one hour I had scored over $800 and I had started with only $100. Its a good thing I found that penny. Then I went and found a cheap hotel and spent the night. In the morning I started doing the same thing I did last night and won $1200 in two hours. Then I decided to goto another casino and get a job application and I stayed at that hotel until I had enough money to get a car and an apartment and start my new life in Reno, Nevada. Happy Birthday The End The Story of Jack Schitt By: unknown "Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt Married Noe Schitt and produced six childern. Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after childbirth. Next twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; Two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens childern are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of baby Schitt. I just wanted to add one of my favorite stories into this file and make it a little bit funnier.