💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › phreak › solictr captured on 2023-01-29 at 10:47:15.
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What to say to drive away hucksters who telephone
during dinner or in the middle of a riveting TV show
peddling sides of beef, municipal bonds, alum-inum siding,
computer software or whatever:
1. "The police photographer is still here, and
the county medical examiner hasn't released
the body to the coroner yet. Can you call
back a little later?
2. "You called at the right time, buster. I'll
order carloads of whatever you got just to
restore my credit rating. Those turkeys down
at the bank go bananas over one little
bounced check or two.
3. "I'm sorry. The taxi is at the door right now.
We're heading off on a 90 day world cruise
aboard the Empress of Burmuda.
4. "Well, you'll have to send the stuff to my new
address. As of next Wednesday, it'll be: care
of the warden, maximum security wing, Attica
Correction Facility, Attica, N.Y.
5. "What's that you say? Speak up, please, will
you? The battery has run down on my hearing
aid. Louder, please, Louder. Is that the best
you can do? I'm afriad we're just not
communicating"
6. "I'm afraid you have the wrong number. This is
a funeral home or what we like to call a
consoling chapel for the bereaved. Visiting
hours are from 2 to 5 and 7 to 10.
7. "I'm just house sitting here, buddy. The
owners won't be back for a couple months. You
wouldn't have a good deal on off-brand
whiskeys and beer by the case, would you?
Maybe a little grass or snow?
8. "Too late pal. As of tomorrow, Uncle Sam will
take care of all my necessities. But you
might try my drill instructer at Camp
Pendleton. In other words tell it to the
Marines
9. "I'm gonna have to put you on hold. The baby
is due any minute now. Quick someone, get
some hot water. Lots of it. Sorry, gotta
hurry now, don't go away
10. "Oh, it's you again. I was hoping you'd call
back. The better business people said I need
more positive identification to file my
complaint. Now first let me have your name
and telephone number. Hello? Hello?
11. "Well, if this ain't the living end. The
furniture is out on the sidewalk the
sheriff's auction is about to begin and you
want to sell me a freezer full of prime beef.
Keep talking. I can dream, can't I?
12. "The number you have called is a working
number like you would'nt believe.
Let me make you a counterproposal. How about
the company of one of our swinging little
ladies for an evening? Our personalized
dating service guarantees satisfaction, and
we do take credit cards.
13. "Sorry to cut you off like this but Uncle
Harry is choking on something.
Oh, my, he's turning purple. Could you tell
me how to administer that bear hug first aid
grip? I'd better go.
14. "The furnace just conked out, there's a foot
of water in the basement and I nearly broke
my neck on the kid's skate board getting to
the phone. You wouldn't have a special on
cyanide, would you?
15. "You better talk to my wife when she gets back
from Reno. This place will be all hers then.
16. "The dog just died and I'm so glad to have
someone to talk to...
And of course, there is this old one....
17. What the fuck is your problem asshole??
What ever the fuck you are trying to
sell or give away or whatever, I don't
need it because if I did, I would have it,
and if I have one already, I sure the fuck
don't want another one from you !!!!
Why can't leeches like you get a real job,
why the fuck do you gotta call me?? What the
fuck is your problem. If you call one more
time I will come through the phone line
and eat your tonsils!! Now go away you
maggot and crawl back under the rock
from which you came.