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::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: : : : THE LAYMAN'S GUIDE : : : : TO : : : : FEDERAL AGENCIES : : : : Written by: Mr. Xerox of : : : :(*)- The *ELITE* Phreaker's Club -(*): ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: CIA: STANDS FOR CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY. THIS GROUP IS RESPONSIBLE FOR INTERNATIONAL INTELLIGENCE GATHERING, AS WELL AS THE SPREAD OF DEMOCRACY, EVEN IF THEY HAVE TO SHOVE IT DOWN THEIR THROATS... WASHINGTON, D.C. (703) 351-1000 NEW YORK CITY (212) 755-0027 CHICAGO (312) 353-2980 LOS ANGELOS (213) 622-6875 BOSTON (617) 354-5965 MIAMI (305) 445-3658 HOUSTON (713) 229-2739 ST. LOUIS (314) 621-6902 DON'T ASK ME WHAT THEY NEED OFFICES IN THE U.S. FOR... DOD: STANDS FOR DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE THESE ARE THE BOYS WHO RENT OFFICE SPACE IN THE PENTAGON... THEY ARE THE ARMED FORCES, HERE TO PROTECT US FROM THE VILE ARMIES OF OTHER NATIONS... PENTAGON (202) 545-6700 DARPA: STANDS FOR DEFENSE ADVANCED RESEARCH PROJECTS AGENCY. THESE ARE THE BOYS WHO MAKE WEAPONS FOR THE MILITARY. THEY ARE VERY UP ON PARTICLE BEAM WEAPONS, LASERS, MISSLE TRACKING, AND EVEN BIOCYBERNETICS (THE DIRECT INTERFACING OF MAN AND MACHINE- IMAGING HACKING AS FAST AS YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IT... THIS HAS POTENTIAL). ARLINGTON, VA (202) 694-3007 NSA: STANDS FOR NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY. THESE ARE THE BRAIN BOYS, THE THINK TANKS FOR THE THE MILITARY. IF YOU HAVE NIGHTMARES, THESE PEOPLE ARE THE ONES WHO SHOULD BE STARRING. THEY ARE THE GOVT. COMPUTER AND TELECOM EXPERTS. (301) 688-6311 DOJ: STANDS FOR DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE THIS IS THE COURT SYSTEM, HOWEVER I DO NOT AGREE WITH THEIR IDEA OF JUSTICE (WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM A MAN WHO THINKS G. GORDON LIDDY IS COOL?). WASHINGTON, D.C. (202) 633-2000 FBI: STANDS FOR FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATIONS. THESE ARE THE NOSY PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO BUST IN DOORS. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, MOST OF THEM KNOW NOTHING ABOUT WHAT THEY DO SINCE THEIR COLLEGE DEGREES ARE IN ECONOMICS AND ACCOUNTING AND THE LIKE. FRANKLY, THESE GUYS DON'T SCARE ME... THEY ARE PRETTY DUMB, AND ARE TOTALLY OUT OF THEIR CLASS WHEN IT COMES TO COMPUTERS. WASHINGTON, D.C. (202) 324-3000 (A SIDE NOTE: LOOK AT A TOUCH TONE PAD. 324 EITHER SPELLS 'FBI' OR 'FAG'. I WONDER IF SOMEONE IN THE TELCO HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR?) DEA: STANDS FOR DRUG ENFORCEMENT AGENCY. IF YOU WAKE UP ONE MORNING AND THEIR IS SOMEONE DIGGING IN YOUR 'GARDEN' IT IS THEM. THEY DON'T LIKE YOU TO ENJOY YOURSELF, OR ENGAGE IN A LITTLE RECREATIONAL SOARING... WASHINGTON, D.C. (202) 633-1249 DOS: STANDS FOR DEPARTMENT OF STATE. WHEN YOU HACK THE RUSSIAN COMPUTER, THEY AREN'T PLEASED, ONE OF TWO GROUPS WILL KNOCK AT YOUR DOOR. THE TELCO OR THE STATE DEPARTMENT. THE KGB JUST THINKS THIS A GROUP OF GUYS WHO ARE VERY GOOD LIARS AND VERY GOOD AT READING PEOPLE. THEY KEEP WATCH FROM THE EMBASSY... WASHINGTON, D.C. (202) 655-4000 DOT: STANDS FOR DEPARTMENT OF TREASURY THROW AWAY THE COLOR XEROX MACHINE WHEN THESE PEOPLE KNOCK, SINCE THEY DON'T LIKE YOU PASSING BAD BILLS. THEY KEEP TRACK AND PRINT ALL THE MONEY IN THE COUNTRY (EXCEPT FOR A FEW FRIENDS OF MINE WHO...) WASHINGTON, D.C. (202) 566-2000 SECRET SERVICE: FOR THE MOST PART, THE SECRET SERVICE PROTECTS THE PRESIDENT (THAT'S WHY WE HAVE LOST A FEW), GRABS COUNTERFEITERS, AND USED TO BUST MOBSTERS. WASHINGTON, D.C. (202) 535-5708 (NOTE: DO THE INITIALS 'SS' MEAN MUCH TO THOSE OF YOU UP ON THE NAZIS????) BUREAU OF ALCOHOL, TOBACCO, AND FIREARMS: FRANKLY, I COULD DO WITHOUT THESE DO-GOODERS. THEY ENFORCE ALL LAWS PERTAINING TO ALCOHOL, TOBACCO, AND FIREARMS (IF IT WASN'T OBVIOUS). WASHINGTON, D.C. (202) 566-7511 IRS: STANDS FOR INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE. ARG! THE TAX MAN! THE ONLY THING IS, THEIR COMPUTER WOULD BE THE ULTIMATE HACK. THINK ABOUT IT... WASHINGTON, D.C. (202) 566-5000 THIS FILE IS A PUBLIC SERVICE PROVIDED BY THE LEADER OF THE KNIGHTS OF SHADOW NOW A MEMBER OF THE *ELITE* PHEAKER'S! THE GOVERNMENT IS A PUBLIC SERVICE PROVIDING FOR ITSELF... >1984 [>Downloaded from The World of Cryton<] [414] 462-8978 *ELITE* Phreaker's Club]