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headache because strained eyes and because caffeine and i've decided to lean into the caffeine thing so i'll start wearing my glasses again soon, i think my face can handle it
tragic laker loss against the celtics tonight. lebron falling to his knees after a missed foul call, lebron lifeless on the bench with a towel covering his entire head, patrick beverly grabbing some photographer's camera and waving it at the ref screaming FOUL! FOUL! hahahahahaha
at work n. used chat gpt to write a version of waiting for godot where godot not only arrives, but also sends the two guys on a treasure hunt and tells them "don't worry, i 'll be here waiting for you"
just out here half awake skin dry contacts expired body begging for vitamins as i scrape another mini pus jewel off my face with my fingernail. pop
will to live: strong
will to communicate: strong
will to love: strong
will to move: weak
will to listen: strong
will to sing: weak
will to read: medium
will to write: strong
will to consume: weak
feel the urge to keysmash but do not want to be imprecise
right now a really boring problem i have is that i want to write essays and i am not writing essays. if i could figure out how to write in my apartment i think i would start making progress. i haven't even tried actually. except for yesterday but then i fell asleep and had to go to work when i woke up. i think i just need to start committing to writing during certain times, the way i commit to hanging out with people. i don't really have anything else like writing in my life. i have singing/songwriting but i feel less urgency to improve or produce in that area
another problem i have is the resilient pimple that was growing for weeks under the right nose pad of my glasses. my glasses are so heavy they just kept flattening it (i didn't even know what it was i thought it was just a weird sore spot). so i switched back to my contacts and finally it revealed itself, aggressively and now it's been weeks since i wore my glasses. this can be a problem at night after i remove my contacts. as i type this my face is positioned directly above my hands on the keyboard, like a few inches from the screen. hmmm. this could be a reason for my recent headaches
just got back into an unmade bed for the first time since moving here
it's actually sad how unsurprised he was. i mean he was surprised, by the reasons, but accepted my emotional change so quickly. personally i was shocked when i realized. like it was a real gut punch. so how did he know? did he just kind of believe i hated him a little the whole time? that's sad
this time i genuinely forgot there are people who are more anxious and self-hating than i am. this was self-centered of me
honestly a failure of compassion on my part. the compassionate thing would've been to end it much sooner but i did the optimistic thing. i almost want to apologize for that
saw “broker” at coolidge corner theater
emotional peaks: “i’ll forgive you instead” “thank you for being born” “back then, i was improvising”
i let something unserious sour my mood. tried to regulate but couldn’t shake the feeling that a wrong needed righting
spoke with c., i love you
heading back home tomorrow. i’ve really liked being here. makes me wonder if i’ve kept my scope too small. oh no
tonight was reminded of how completely not easygoing i am. we were running ~15 minutes late to the movie and thinking about missing the exposition made me feel like an upset child, like my body was holding in a tantrum. as we hurried in the cold i kept thinking of all the reasons this was the other nematode’s fault and not mine. i am often harsh and unforgiving with people who mean well and it feels bad
my mood cleared up steadily, we parted with smiles. philadelphia 76ers beat the sacramento kings, barely
nick hakim @ brighton music hall boston, ma
cometa tour night 1
9:30 - 11:00 p.m.
nick band
nick band w/ june mcdoom
nick band encore
he said i looked pretty and serene which is nice because that is also a way you could describe a lake
the thing that i was nervous about trying is an intro course in creative nonfiction. i talked about it with roommate and e. last night. i'm not sure, i said. well, you recently said improving your writing helps you feel better about having to stay alive, roommate said. and you can always quit, e. said
e. ended up driving me to campus because i was stressed out about parking. after class i met her for coffee. a great morning
i always regretted not taking a creative writing class in college. mostly i took communication courses where the only thing that mattered about your writing was clarity. helpful i guess but it will be fun to experiment
henceforth will not be journaling about j. because i fear i blew my cover. i wouldn't actually mind that much though. at least i would know he was trying to understand
j., i feel like you would never bring this up. prove me wrong
toured an apartment today. one of those subdivisions that feels like a movie set? idk, the buildings hurt my eyes, something about the way they looked against the sky, and their dollhouse shape. roommate was into it. i told him i could see the logic in moving there, because of a few basic upgrades, but that it felt spiritually darker than our current place. he didn't take that seriously, which is my fault because i am always calling places spiritually dark
(the first time i heard someone say this was in kirksville. i was like, why do i feel this way? this was my central kirksville question. p., my best friend in that life, told me "some places are just spiritually darker than others. kirksville is like that. it's just harder to be happy here" and now i use it indiscriminately to describe any space where i've felt uncomfortable or alone)
e. drove with me to the showing. when we got back home she considered our building and said, this ones sits much more naturally. yeah, i said, but roommate's right, the other one's nicer. e. said, things can be nice and not be comfortable
coffee date tomorrow then readings then work, then packing for my thursday flight. i know you're tired, but try to enjoy this. this is the most connected you've been in years. maybe you can sustain it this time
oat, when i say i don't believe in synonyms i just mean every word choice should mean something. there should always be a reason you chose one over another. so i don't like when people describe words as interchangeable
watched twins with danny devito and arnold schwarzenegger (not my pick, there was not even one depressed woman). finished the last dance. the footage of michael jordan sobbing facedown on the floor after winning his fourth championship (the first one after his father's death), on father's day. the whole time he is hugging a basketball. i feel weird about the video even existing. male redditors are like "this scene almost had me in tears" meanwhile i'm in tears and also sick to my stomach. so far beyond heartbreaking it took my breath away
feeling good, as in, talking and laughing easily, feeling fragile, as in, haven’t fully withdrawn into myself in several days, losing contact, eating chaotically, not reading
feeling nervous about something i’m trying tomorrow. i was really excited when i made the decision, because it felt like something that would improve my relationship with my life. i was really sure of it
need badly to sleep but got so much to tell u !
i liked being at work today. a new friend came by and gave me the rundown on what's showing at the local movie theater. apparently he hated babylon. a coworker said she's sad we don't see each other more because i'm "really fun." i've described myself this way before, as a joke
i did feel like i was bubbling out of myself today. weirdly it was coming back to the apartment that killed my mood
a word i've always struggled to use confidently in a sentence is "facetious," but i think it might describe a lot of my father's utterances. like when he and mom and sib are visiting me and he says, "i'll come back next weekend too" or "i'll start visiting every weekend and we can go to the movies." it is facetious because it is "lacking serious intent"
see i just did it wrong again. i don't know what word i'm looking for. he delivers these kinds of remarks as jokes, but they're not funny, because the punchline is that we will never be close enough for comments like that to mean anything or make any sense
a facetious remark needs to be delivered with humorous intent. i'm not sure if he really thinks he's being funny when he says those things. but then why does he laugh?
this kind of facetious behavior is one way he engages in conversation. the other ways are lecturing and manipulating. the most bearable one is lecturing, because sometimes he does it in a patient voice and it can feel like kindness
(there is a secret fourth way - solemn recitation of song lyrics)
it is not really accurate to describe these as different ways he engages in conversation, because conversation implies listening. he does not listen. if you pay attention you can actually catch the moment his eyes glaze over when he stops speaking and you begin
i greeted a woman on the phone today, she paused and said, "i was just making sure you could talk. you sound like you have a cold." my voice is obviously naturally weak. either way, can old people shut the fuck up sometimes
hi oat, goodnight oat
interesting that your friends have gotten the impression that you're iffy about grad school. you must really be overcorrecting, because i thought it was pretty obvious you've been filling the fun meter and gaining xp at unprecedented rates. yeyuh. i have loved having you back in the midwest btw
i don't know what to think of today. it was fine. i was distracted, but not anxious. i did my tasks
what did i think about? j. obviously. enneagram types. checked out kazuo ishiguro "the remains of the day" because i saw it described as a "stunning psychological portrait" or something. thought about the booklist i'm making for the paper. decided on a theme - listening. just a bunch of nonfiction books on how to listen. the people need it
thought about driving up to iowa city to see snail mail in april. it's not really about seeing snail mail, i saw her play in chicago last year in april 2022 and well, it was bad, i love her deeply but it did not sound good, and i did not like listening to her in a crowd of white people. i actually didn't play her music for a couple months afterwards
the openers were also garbage, some band called joy again that was like eight white guys onstage, doubled up on instruments so i could not tell what sounds were coming from where. it was giving frat party, rather it was giving we weren't fratty enough for the frat so we learned guitar instead, and now we have a quirkier way to perform our masculinity :p the effect was not musical, they could have been up there playing soccer, or beer pong for 45 minutes and i would have gone through the same emotions. i endured their hilariously long and terrible set from the ground with my head in my arms. it was a difficult experience for me, spiritually
but yeah i might go to iowa city in april. i enjoyed it last time (2021?), i remember feeling peaceful
preparing for long shifts this weekend
spent $51 today
roommate had to get a tire patched today, it turns out he ran over a nail yesterday driving to the trail, the drive that reminded me of wisconsin, where i also once needed a tire patched after running over a nail. mine was a comically large nail, buried to the hilt. the woman from triple a got a real kick out of it
a first kiss tonight, to the refrain at the end of space song
felt like i was being myself at work today, rare w
i am observing that coworkers who are close with each other seem comfortable having personal conversations in front of me as if i am not there. usually having to do with their love lives. they don't do this when there is an older coworker with us at the desk. maybe it's like how everyone gossips at the children's desk. some people, when there are only kids around, feel like they have complete privacy
worked through t.'s speech and gave several suggestions, which was enjoyable for me and woke my brain up but it's possible she won't appreciate the edits. we'll see
roommate brought me with him to a trail that felt far away. the drive reminded me of wisconsin towns, specifically elkhorn and darien. i found the gravel roads and sparse scenery soothing, but roommate was uneasy. he said, "i am having a cultural experience right now" as we drove past all the little houses on large properties
i walked around and sat on some different benches while he went for a run
the most notable effects of my communication degree on my life are that i insist on having uncomfortable conversations with people i love, i apologize often, am overly sincere, and use the words initiation, maintenance, termination and violation too much when talking about relationships
continuing to watch the last dance. i hope michael jordan has an excellent therapist
feeling bad about something i was feeling good about, but this kind of regression is the basic law of my emotional universe
la clippers beat the dallas mavericks today, apparently breaking a losing streak. i hadn't been keeping up. the broadcaster said something about terrance mann being "injected" into the starting lineup. most of the time unusual word choices in sports media make the sentences worse but i thought this one was good, because it evokes an intramuscular injection, something energizing
words that i learned from sports media include echelon, frenetic
in college when i wrote for the student newspaper, i used to second guess many of my word combinations. like, describing an injection as energizing. i would google "energizing injection" to see the number of results and compare this to "stimulating injection," "revitalizing injection." going over the pieces with my editor, i would be like is this okay? do people say this? is this the most intuitive modifier for this noun? and he would be like, it doesn't really matter, as long as it's communicating what you want, and i would be like, what if i am violating a norm, and the violation is distracting to the reader? and he would be like, no, i don't think you are, and i still don't think it matters. he was a bad editor, but i think that might have been good advice
there was one story where i was trying to describe the onset of the summer season. i began the sentence with, "summer came" and then changed it to "summer sprouted" and i was like yes this is exactly what i mean. and this is why i must constantly doubt my word choices. that was such a bad one
this is why writing is so difficult and time-consuming for me, because i am not guided by style, it's more like i am always trying to make the optimal, intuitive word choices, and so it feels less like making art or expressing myself and more like problem-solving or searching for puzzle pieces, with an endless number of sources to consult
caught up with mom, e., m., and oat today. i sent e. a new song, i was like, it's in DADF#AD, he was like oh, that's why it sounds so warm, and then, "i'll learn it," which made me miss him. i think learning your friends' songs is kind of a sacred transfer of energy. it's always emotional for me
ily oat. btw don't feel like you have to follow my floundering, it's extra credit. people who are not oat, hello
i wish i had the type of mental illness that makes you want to pursue a music career, or gain a platform. oh to have a north star
exhausted from having feelings about my own life, spent today trying to saturate my brain with fiction again
need to stop journaling so explicitly hahaha i have a self-disclosure problem
today was special i will remember it. like michael jordan remembers his games. already did the postgame interview (unpacked the entire day with my roommate)
me: i am genuinely so emotionally exhausted from today, like, i need a beer or something
roommate makes hot chocolate and we watch sacramento kings vs. los angeles lakers while scrolling the people saved in our google photos (mostly high school versions of us, and people we don't talk to anymore)
i start a new playlist
i did not end up communicating with j. about tomorrow, it's ok i'll do it in the morning. i'm excited to spend time with him
got myself to the gym tonight, mostly to watch the games. espn plays on tv #3. i just walked and stretched. i knew a headache was coming and i'm glad i took it easy
work was fine, i finished something i was writing and had various nonstressful interactions
i think i avoid communicating with j. sometimes because it's nicer to think about him instead. my feelings for people tend to develop while we're apart and i can get stuck indulging in those feelings instead of communicating or acting on them. like this week i spent way more time talking about him to other people and figuring out how i like to describe him than actually talking to him. oopsies :3
having fewer thoughts since returning to work. like less than one per day. it takes a lot of energy to show up
something i like about m.k. is how she says "phooey" when someone tells her something sad. like
me: oh my grandma died
m.k.: aw man. phooey
somehow it comes across really earnest and communicates a universal despair
it could be anything, too, like oh, i lost my water bottle. phooey. and the phooey fits just right every time. she is so powerful
thought again about going to the coffee shop today and didn't, feeling ok about this
gonna make a new file so that i have a morning and a night journal. this will become the night journal
today was awesome because i wrote a song that i love. the other songs i've finished recently have felt more like writing exercises. this one almost didn't even happen, but i was playing something in DADF#AD tuning, which has been extractive for me lately and these two-year-old lyrics happened to be in my head from when i was deleting files yesterday. they were in a folder called "microsongs," left over from when i was serious about only writing songs that did not exceed two minutes. i felt like most songs were too long. i don't feel this way anymore, there are still a lot of bad long songs, but there are also a lot of songs without bridges that would be a lot better with bridges. i think listening to the entire "fearless" album broke my microsong fixation because the bridges are so important and are where most of my emotional memory of the album is concentrated
didn't watch any basketball today. the only game that was still on when i checked was the los angeles clippers vs. denver nuggets, and the nuggets were up 40
i did not articulate or synthesize anything important today. try again tomorrow
los angeles lakers vs. miami heat
today was my first day at work in two weeks, i have an intense headache. i appreciated my conversation with m.k. where she encouraged me to stop looking for a second job. n. taught me about red dirt country music and t. made me smile
checked out "they can't kill us until they kill us" by hanif abdurraqib. i had a dream recently where we matched on tinder
"this year" by emily king has such a perfect bridge. wow so good
i didn't expect to enjoy emily king today because i haven't enjoyed her music since probably 2017 but it was what i wanted on my walk today. for me she is kind of like vulfpeck, just too sunny for my mood most of the time
the lake was blue again today. it has been nice to visit a lake every day. the last lake i saw every day was geneva lake. that was the first time i have ever had a lake in my life. i guess i missed it
i didn't make the connection between stephens lake and geneva lake myself, i'm glad someone did, because i struggle to view my life as a continuous thing and it helps to do the same things in different places
on the drive home they were playing that song that goes "i'm not crazy i'm just a little unwell" on 93.1 and it sounded really good, i will cover it in FACGCE tuning
just tried to explain in a text to my little brother that i was disappointed and hurt by how he handled a situation recently, it is very likely he will respond with "k," or not respond at all
i want to tell him that trying to be a good person is not just for your girlfriend, that all of your relationships require thought, care, and effort, and that as his big sister i am not just his built-in friend and supporter. all of that feedback would make him uncomfortable and his brain would probably panic and label my communication as petty and hypercritical
i've talked to a lot of older people at my jobs who have strained or distant relationships with their siblings, the kind of relationships where they can't even remember the last time they talked. it's different for them, because most white americans grow up with family trees all around them, and it's just normal for them to have family in the same country that they don't talk to, but it's not like that with us. any substantial conflict with my siblings gives me a real feeling of doom
the oklahoma city thunder are beating the boston celtics by a lot and i haven't watched enough thunder this season to know why that is even possible
doris burke is calling the milwaukee bucks vs. washington wizards game, so i'm thinking about this tweet again
https://twitter.com/Vimmy/status/1517937292526112768
roommate is back, it feels good to be around him again, not that it didn't feel good to live alone. i got comfortable living alone my last year in champaign and my six months in whitewater. when roommate comes back after being gone it can be weird to have the conversation between me and myself interrupted. and then i have to remind myself the conversation between me and another person is more fun and generative and also more important to my overall health and survival. somehow i forget that. maybe the problem is my overprotectiveness of the conversation between me and myself. i wonder why i feel this way and how i can stop
tonight on the phone mom said she hopes we find partners that she feels okay about leaving us with, like when she dies. she said this because dad's mom died on new year's eve. i told her about one way that i sometimes think about life, as the process of surrounding yourself with people that will help you continue to live after your parents die. she was like, yeah, i think you're doing a pretty good job
post-covid my body demands 12 hours of sleep a night
after being sick and isolated for a little while i am anxious thinking about doing things. i tried to do groceries a couple times this week and both times ended up leaving after getting like two things. i thought about going out for coffee today but i thought about having to blow my nose in public, and then i thought about having to park my car and cross the street and it all made me feel tired
i got to the episode of the last dance where it is revealed that michael jordan hates isiah thomas. he says so candidly. i don't know why but that was really crazy to me. i didn't realize these on-court beefs were real life. i've always struggled to understand respect and reputation. i don't really know how to explain it. it's just that i've never been that concerned with people other than my close friends having respect for me, and i've never really conceptualized my reputation, much less thought of it as something to defend. but some people have to
like how [redacted] got so angry with me after i said that thing onstage one time, that wasn't even about him. for me it was a matter of communication, i thought once i cleared it up it would be a non-issue, but for him it was all about respect and reputation so i couldn't fix it. that was really upsetting and i'll probably never really get over it
i'm not sure what i'll do today, other than go for a walk around the lake at sunset because that has felt like an important part of my routine lately. i might finish their eyes were watching god. these sentences from p. 128:
he drifted off into sleep and janie looked down on him and felt a self-crushing love. so her soul crawled out from its hiding place.
made me think of the argonauts p. 5:
i feel i can give you everything without giving myself away, i whispered in your basement bed. if one does one's solitude right, this is the prize.
i thought i was doing my solitude right and my soul might crawl out soon, because it might have an opportunity to do that with a particular person at some point, but this was optimistic of me. i am too subdued right now to experience that kind of awakening. it would be more like "he drifted off into sleep and janie looked down on him and felt like maybe she felt something. so her soul opened one eye and coughed. and janie rolled over to check twitter"
just watched donovan mitchell score the most points in a game since kobe bryant. it makes me happy to see him free from utah
i think my lack of experience with respect and reputation is connected to my lack of a community throughout life
just watched the golden state warriors and atlanta hawks go into double overtime. kevon looney made the game-winning putback. the way he played defense tonight was beautiful to me, in contrast to jordan poole for example, who felt really chaotic. kevon looney moves with patience and seems to rely more on his understanding of the physics of the ball, than on his ability to control it, but i guess that is his role. the way he was catching rebounds was just really graceful, like he anticipated the exact angles at which the ball would come back and it was satisfying to watch him be right. it was sad to see trae young take in the loss but i wasn't rooting for him, his game was boring tonight, not bold like i am used to from him, more just clever and annoying
i finished their eyes were watching god, here are the incredibly excellent final lines:
she pulled in her horizon like a great fish-net. pulled it from around the waist of the world and draped it over her shoulder. so much of life in its meshes! she called in her soul to come and see.
there goes her soul again
i listened to a joy priest interview on my walk today and she started with a zora neale hurston quote, which made me excited because i always love when the syllabus of my life comes together, and i had this thought that i have sometimes, which is that it is necessary for me to consume a constant rotation of media because together they generate more meaning and place themselves in conversation with each other, and it makes up for the conversation i am not having with other humans
i think i'm finally depressed enough to post on flounder
anyways you know what's crazy is how some nba players can remember every play of a game they played decades ago. like they can tell you who was guarding them at what moment, and what they were thinking right before they made a certain play. they can really transport themselves to the moment, and inhabit and move around inside the memory. and it's like, i will never do or experience anything that i will be able to remember with anything close to that level of intensity in probably a year let alone 20 (i'm watching the last dance and it's blowing my mind)