💾 Archived View for mothbaby.flounder.online › thoughts.gmi captured on 2023-01-29 at 15:19:57. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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coming here for some solace. things have changed so rapidly in the lives around me and i fear change in my own life. im afraid of manifesting my fear. i realized in the last couple years how manifestation really does work. the direction and intention you pivot yourself towards is the direction you will follow. obviously there are things out of your control but in a more vague, emotional sense, you can control your mindset and how you want to feel and the situations you want to be in. you can direct your internal energy towards that.
i feel too young to feel this way, but im realizing how much life is really made by the relationships you have and the people in your life. its scary when the people in your life become the most important thing for you, but what else would be more important? my job? lol. am i supposed to put myself above the people I love?
i just want to dedicate myself to the people i love. but it's hard to trust that dedication will come back around. and i need to look out for myself too and not get lost in other people. but at the same time, when you have relationships that could be lifelong, you become intermeshed with those people, and that is community. and family. i just want to be surrounded by community and family and have a sense of safety in a world that can be so cold and isolate and terribly individual.
i want someone to want to do the same thing, with me. and i think i might have found that but im afraid that it might be more me that thinks that way. and im terribly patient.
lost my journal so im writing in here again. just gave my cat some catnip and ran around with her. ive been thinking about money a lot recently. i have a simultaneous desire to spend and not be tied down by money and background anxiety about it. it scares me to think i won't ever be in a place to save enough to have a house and land and maybe kids. but im also 22 i have so much time. i think im going to make a budget to understand my expenses better.
ive had many good times with pals over the last couple weeks. i think this vapid heat is just making me want to stay in again. at least maybe this will make the weather being in high 80s low 90s feel really good. scares me that we are seeing the effects of climate change in our lifetime.
saw some really amazing live music last weekend. american basswood from kirksville will remain one of the best bands ever. mold gold was incredible. i love seeing my friends play music.
sad and nostalgic about moving. met someone really cool last week and we hung out everyday and then they just dropped off the face of the earth and stood me up.
im moving to stl in a couple weeks. ive made it through 2 interviews at a cool job. almost approved for a cool apartment. i think itll be hard but good.
it is my last spring break of college. I went to visit moldgold222 and E over the weekend. I have been feeling stuck in a depression but that trip reignited something in me. We also ate some fun mushrooms and I had probably the most spiritual trip of my life. It gave me so much fresh and much needed perspective. I'm really happy to be building off the spiritual work I've done over the years. More and more I am able to focus on what really matters and makes me feel alive. I'm probably going to write a longer form post about this on my Gemlog.
For now, I'm seeing my friends, spending time outside, writing, playing music, and reading. It feels good.
the last month has flown by. there is always so much work to be done. the full moon was saturday and i had a great weekend with treeprophet in wash, mo. things have felt weird this week, been very anxious and mad but also excited about spring. i found out my therapist quit (bc my school was forcing her to change employers and be paid less) and now im not sure ill be able to continue seeing her. that felt very bad and i felt very bad for everyone affected by her quitting.
some good things:
- im getting good at parallel parking
- my roomates cat finally groomed my cat today after 6 months of living together
- i got the first dose of the vaccine
- warm weather, playing sports, skateboarding
- going to des moines soon to see my pal
feeling really good this week. very happy in my relationship and my friendships right now. feeling confident and able to be on-top of work and school. made plans to move in with rhino after graduation, very exciting! feels good to have more concrete plans and i've begun looking at apartments and jobs.
getting more into mtg recently. re-constructing my elf commander deck as well as tightening up my 60 card merfolk deck for a tournament with friends coming up.
been really into tracking the different parts of the menstrual cycle. follow someone on tik tok who explains the different phases besides menstruation and how it impacts your energy. it feels really applicable and helps to manage mood changes for me.
bad vibes sad vibes day. going to class so i can get the points for being physically present. going to a meeting and then calling moldgold222. hopefully taking a nap later. going to see moldgold222 this weekend!
last night i overcame some exhaustion, played bass, and began recording a new song. couldn't sleep and went on a midnight walk. i wish i could walk whenever i wanted without being afraid of my safety. some car completed stopped and trailed slowly behind me for a while. it was scary but then they drove off. going on a walk prevented me from having a full on panic attack so that was good.
this morning i didn't play animal crossing like usual. i cried a bit, showered, and doodled. im thinking of trying to check in with myself by making a doodle of how im feeling. then i went to the post office to mail a letter to my good friend E. i miss being around E and moldgold222 so badly.
been really struggling with anxiety/depression and haven't posted on here in a bit. it feels like things are turning around but i still struggle to get out of bed. seeing my friends has been helpful. some good things have occurred! the lovely treeprophet gave me a bass and i am going to start recording my album. im helping rhino with her theater project and have to play a queer person mourning the death of her best friend who then falls in love with calico :) i preordered the new magic the gathering set box and will open them and draft with idi and treeprophet.
there's some good things happening with school but all the tasks are also overwhelming. im working on a project to plan and hopefully begin implementing a community garden. im really excited about this but i also know its going to take up a lot of time. im also trying to find time to be a human outside of homework and work! its so easy to fall into doing nothing and doom scrolling when im not completing a task. but then i start to feel like im not a person and dread everything i have to do. so yeah i need to do real living person things!! i am not just a worker!!
I'm usually pretty outspoken in my classes, but today in ethics i had to hold my tongue on a couple of things because i felt like 1. i was dominating the conversation and 2. my thoughts weren't super relevant to the core of the discussion. These were the comments I wanted to discuss more: my professor said there are no topics that cannot be joked about, and a kid in my class used the "functioning scale" to describe people with autism. I really wish I would've had the chance to respond to the student because I don't think people realize that it's dehumanizing to use those sorts of terms. Also, what we consider "functioning" usually equates to, being able to be exploited for labor, ie. taking orders and standing in one place doing a task.
After class, I went to the library with rhino and calico. We went for a study break walk and had the strangest experience. This guy (presumably a student) was talking to two girls who had that uncomfy, stuck in a conversation look to them. The guy was saying something about how sleep deprivation makes your brain unable to have rational thoughts but that it didn't affect him like that and he didn't need sleep. He was talking in this manic way, reminded me of myself on too much adderall.
We walked away and then decided to loop back around and see if they were still there. They were and we hovered near them, caught some of the conversation. He was talking about the difference between people who use social media because they actually care about it and those who don't. Mentioned that he never got any comments on his posts. Then he was started talking about how college is kinda a farce but he was using these phrases like he was trying to sound really impressive but not saying anything of substance or nuance. Talked about how gravity wasn't real. Told them to text him if they ever wanted to "learn more" or even get a job reference from him. They sounded really interested in what he had to say.
It was super bizarre and none of us could get a read on the situation. To me, he sounded like some boosted male ego who was questioning his reality when he got to college and thought he had uncovered something world-breaking.
Anyway, then i walked around with calico and flounderer98. It was really fun and we giggled a lot. Stole some plant cutting from the science building.
currently in class and realizing that i'm wearing my prof's ex-husbands shirt. which sounds weird but her ex-husband is actually just this really cool guy who i am good friends with. he recently cleaned out his attic and gave me a bunch of cool clothes.
the magic card im auctioning off is at $2100. pretty excited about that.
today i woke up longing for spring. i would love if the sun would at least melt the snow so i could skateboard. in the mood to neglect responsibilities and spend time outside.
today it was very hard to get out of bed. i played animal crossing in the morning and then worked at Deborah's. The logs didn't feel as heavy in my arms, i think im getting stronger. Her husband asked me a weird question about biden.
then i went to the library with some pals. i started auctioning off this miscut magic card on facebook that is apparently worth a lot. it's at $1500 right now and the auction ends sunday. I might buy a switch with the money. half is going to a friend though.
called my brother. made tofu. called treeprophet and went to hyvee to buy chocolate peanut butter ice cream. played pictionary online with moldgold222 and idi. played more animal crossing. answered emails.
i know that you sync cycles with the people around you but when im on period it feels like everyone i know is on theirs. the bob account tweeted about menstruation today. also it's always right after the full moon.
some good things happened today:
- today i bought 4 bags of kettle cooked pub mustard chips for $1 with c. we looked at every item at hyvee and giggled.
- my roommate brought home a huge plant today, it touches the ceiling and it's magnificent.
also i started EMDR which is draining but will be good. i feel like im training for a marathon but its therapy.
first day of classes. feeling like i'm not gonna hold back this semester, my last semester of college. can't wait to tell the prof, who controls my stipend and is responsible for me doing so much unpaid labor, that i cannot afford to buy the textbook for his class.
i wish i wasn't so pessimistic about school but i really am. academia sucks.
got too high and cried during king of the hill again. my brain feels melty.
this weekend i:
- watched the godfather part i and ii. really good but also very intense and sad. best character: the cat
- did some doodles and played vidya games with my tr*pping friends. made my heart feel peace again. really good.
- watched king of the hill and watched treeprophet watch king of the hill. my version of double monitor lightup keyboard is leaning my phone up against my laptop screen.
- sent emails. ope! its time to create an AI of myself to answer my e-mails! thank u 4 yr service AI mothbaby
thought to myself today, i should make a twitter, not follow anyone, and just shit post. and then i was like nah I should work on my flounder site! so here i am
astro weather update: tomorrow mars will leave aries (where it has been for 6 months) and enter taurus, we're going to be slowing down and relaxing, but watch out for over-indulgence. this energy is especially impactful for fixed signs (taurus, scoprio, leo, aquarius) i am currently eating too many oreos so already off to a great start