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CHAPTER 1 Don't Laugh
"I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of person I'm
preaching to."
"Bob" in 'Newsweek'
"We believe the planet is being led to destruction by a race of inferior
creatures who place blind trust in their own culturally dictated
concept of "intelligence." Look, you guys, you know as well as I do...
they may be smart, but they don't have good sense."
--"Bob" to the Senate Subcommittee, 1956
Dear Querent into the profundities of This Twisted Randomness We
Call Reality:
"IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE?"
Well, if you thought this Church was a joke, then you'll by
God NEVER 'GET' THE PUNCHLINE.
Oh, we're the first to admit that we deliver far more laughs and yuks
per dollar than Scientology, the Unification Church, or any other religious
group, except possibly the Southern Baptists. But they are for Braindeath.
We are against braindeath. That would put a damn bounty on our heads except
that we tread the thin tightwire of the jokes just enough not to have been
covertly killed Or Bought. MY GOD, look what they did to any of our pred-
ecessors that kept straight faces.
No, this is NO joke, NO parody. Only the foulness of your programming
keeps you from believing we have thousands of members, nationwide revivals,
radio shows, and so on. But we do.
Not only are we not kidding, but we'll even Piss You Off. Indeed, that's
our JOB - our CALLING - our MISSION. We're going to shock the hell out of
every man, woman, and child on this planet. It's a big job, and we only
have until 1998 to do it. Still, it's enough time for the Church to be
infiltrated and made evil if we don't watch ourselves.
YES - BEWARE - the biggest danger this Earth faces is The Church Of The
SubGenius becoming POPULAR and turning into one big CHEAP JOKE. The
Conspiracy has a way of doing that to damn near anything that comes near
it - i.e. tries to make a buck. And when this Industrial Church, this
Final Organization, takes full power over the entire globe in '98, it
just better not have been tainted and cheapened by such Normal Armies
as Pinks(1), Punks, False Prophets, Hippies, right-wing Nerds, obnoxious
would-be hepcats, Nazis, Commies, Glorps(2) or, as the Prophet Hypercleats
dubbed them, Mal-Aligned Normals.
The teachings of "Bob" are NOT universal. For the Pink at heart they
simply won't work. For the evil they'll backfire. And they'll even be
DAMN HARD TO FOLLOW for ignorant Subgeniuses.
But we must NOT water them down: the Conspiracy will assimilate them,
twist them to fit Their plans, and sell them back to us in CRIPPLED,
USELESS condition.
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The Book Of The SubGenius Don't Laugh
UNBELIEVABLE
No, only the truly abnormal, those who are abnormal inside, in their
eternal, ungainly souls, not just maladjusted, ONLY THESE must wield the
relentless POWER of "BOB" on July 5, 1998, X-Day, when the Angelic Host
from Planet X descend in glory and terror.
UNSPEAKABLE
Sensationalism is just the lure we use in order to communicate in all
sobriety certain awful histories and secret fate for the Earth so unspeak-
able that it may take several books to prepare you just to read it.
Because if you are reading this in the late 20th Century, EVERYTHING
YOU KNOW REALLY IS WRONG. You are an uncivilized, ignorant, BARBARIC
peasant that will be looked back upon by future generations with every bit
as much pity as you regard the plague-ridden wretches od Downtown Medieval
Europe.
Your "civilization" got off so heavily on the WRONG FOOT, is so far OFF
THE TRACK, and will keep going SO FAR from where it is "meant" to be,
that YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SLACK IS and the only way you can reopen your
primitive mind, your buried gene-memory of SLACK, is to roll up your
sleeves and GET DOWN with "Bob." If you're worried about getting your hands
dirty, DO NOT ENTER. If you want to keep thinking "science" is right, DROP
THIS BOOK NOW.
UNBEARABLE!!
If you want to remain agnostic about The Forces, GET THE BOOK OUT OF
YOUR HOUSE. If you don't like the cold, get out of the freezer.
If you are, say, a hopelessly intellectual Conspiracy dupe (or "Judge-
Head") with just enough verbal skills to think this is "funny" but lacking
the intuitive scar tissue that lets you see where it's ALL TOO REAL, then
your naked, tame soul risks getting SCALDED by the white-hot Truth of
"Bob." If you THINK you're a Christian, but AREN'T, then you're going to
see DEMONS in this book. Your belief system is paranoid, so it whips up
reasons for paranoia.
You see what you want to see.
So you have to pay to know what you think. You pay Them.
They've got you so closed off from what you're REALLY SEEING, and have
made your most instinctive hopes and desires seem so "impossible" or
"impractical" in the quote "real world" unquote, that you're still looking
where they're pointing rather than just looking around. You can SEE what
CAN lie ahead if you'll just slow down.
Don't pay them to know what you really think. Pay "Bob." It's much
cheaper. Besides, you owe "Bob" a living. But then, the entire WORLD owes
YOU a living. YOU ARE OWED SLACK.
YEAH BUT...
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The Book Of The SubGenius Don't Laugh
Right. You want to know, "JUST EXACTLY WHAT IS THIS CHURCH OF THE
SUBGENIUS?" That question is asked a thousand times a day, every day, some-
where. And it's a good thing, because that's the most pertinent question
to ask in this modern age.
There is no description. Words do not suffice; one must "SEE." We let
you see a little at a time until you are led gradually to TOTAL CLARITY.
It is the Nameless Mission[3]. The true mission is always nameless. To name
it is to doom it....and alert the enemy.
THE SUBGENIUS MUST HAVE SLACK!
But as the million-legged Church crawls around inside your cranium,
there is one point it keeps returning to. It the the very point of the
Church. The point is "Bob."
"Bob" is, was, and ever shall, "Bob" is you, "Bob" is me, "Bob" is the
Kama Sutra, the Id, the light that glows in the heart and mind of EVERY
free-thinking SubGenius. And "Bob" is a man.
It's "Bob."
It always comes down to that.
Because "Bob" is SLACK.
And SLACK is what you want. SLACK is what you need. As the Pope of
All New York[4] told the multitudes,
"With the FULLNESS of Slack a CHANGE will come;
Slackness will ENTER your life, Slackness will MAKE YOU SEE,
Slackness will SET YOU FREE!
Slackness IS! Slackness LIVES,
Slackness WAITS FOR YOU and YEAH! send $20."
Slack is what was taken away; Slack is what "Bob" gives BACK.
That's as simple as we can ever make it. From here it just spirals
off into stormier and stormier complications but in the MIDST of that storm
there are two anchors you can always get back to, and those "Bob" and
Slack.
Now, you do not just sit and wait for Slack. You do not "work" at it
either. This is an exact science of ways to achieve Slack through "seeing."
You will be taught by someone you can trust completely. By "Bob."
The fact that you have gotten this far - procuring this Book - indicates
that you haven't been completely "asleep." You haven't been totally taken
in by Them. Not yet.
But they can still trick you. As bait they feed you too much of the
wrong kind of Slack - the FALSE SLACK of The Conspiracy.
The "Conspiracy" is Them. It was They who took away your real Slack.
THEM.
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The Book Of The SubGenius Don't Laugh
YOU are not one of Them, and never were, not even when They made you
want to be. In fact, that's why They wanted your Slack. It's why you had
Slack in the first place.
They did manage to steal most of your Slack. But they obviously haven't
got it all, and they haven't got "Bob," and as long as there is ONE FREE
MAN among us their system cannot be complete, because it is by nature a
closed system, and if we can keep their system incomplete, it will close
down of its own accord. By Their own Law. Their Law of Normalcy.
Yes. They wanted you to at least want to be "Normal." Well, you may
look normal. You may Act normal. But you aren't normal. YOU JUST AREN'T
NORMAL.
And it is the POWER of your abnormality that saves you, that causes
their system not to have a place for you, that makes you a SubGenius.
The Conspiracy system burns humans as fuel. SubGeniuses aren't humans.
They gum up the works.
If you're a human, you've read too far. CLOSE THE BOOK!
"There's a whole market, a type of person there's no word for. I want
'SubGenius' to be that word."
-- "Bob" on Board Room Tape Number 668, verse 17.
You may have heard the term "SubGenius" sometime before, but you might
not be able to quite put your finger on it - almost as if it were some
dim racial memory, some archetype from neanderthal times. That may very
well be the case.
Now, the Church was not founded until 1953. And it was 1979 before
Dobbs created The SubGenius Foundation as a vehicle to bring the teachings
to the public. But SubGeniuses have always existed... even before Dobbs.
In all the cradles of civilization - Sumeria, Egypt, Atlantis - clues
have been found which prove the existence of the Conspiracy and of the
SubGenii who fought to subdue it.[5]
The wisdom of those ancient SubGeniuses was never lost. Carried down
by secret oral traditions, it lies latent in many living people, waiting
only to be triggered by the Abnormality Revolution. perhaps, even as you
read this, you can feel those ancestral powers and arcane memories surging
up from within your dankest brain gutters.
Ask yourself - don't you feel different at this exact moment than you
ever did before? Isn't it because you feel some vague but momentous force
emanating from this very piece of paper?
You didn't just wander into a bookstore and happen to notice this Book.
You were led to us, and we to you, by powers much greater than Man, and
yet, seemingly, more random than Fate. But the ways of the great Manip-
ulator in Space, Jehovah-1, only appear random. YES! Our paths crossed
because it was planned - plotted out aeons ago, by alien minds more
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The Book Of The SubGenius Don't Laugh
bizzarre than your wildest nightmares, as part of a "WorkNet:" a cosmic
scheme woven into such a complex web that not just human history, but the
fabric of cause-and-effect themselves was disrupted. FACE IT - the very
fact of your eyes moving across this page at this moment is inevitably
and subatomically decreed. You are locked into the machinations of a
Cosmic Puppeteer who works your strings so skillfully you never knew they
were there.
UNTIL NOW! The Church can't cut your strings - you wouldn't want us to,
if you knew what they can mean for you - but we can show you where the
strings are attached and how to 'sync up' with the Puppeteer...how to
stay one jump ahead of the other puppets by assisting the Puppet Master:
by following the Path of Least Resistance.
Remember, Jehovah-1 - or Wotan, or Shiva, or whatever you want to call
Him - is not God. He might as well be, as far as we're concerned, because
he has powers of creation and destruction that Man has mistakenly
associated with God throughout history. He is merely a bit player in this
vast Movie which God is apparently leaving unedited. Nevertheless, His
galactic goals - it makes no difference what they are - can be achieved
sooner if He hones a few special tools to aid in the task. As the trance
dictation of Dobbs tells us, SubGeniuses are those tools, and Jehovah-1
needs our help.
In return, we Chosen are rewarded with Slack as He tips the scales of
cause-and-effect in our favor. Indeed, WOTAN-1 can "cheat" your Karma
for you, much like a tax expert greases your way through the I.R.S. You
can beat the system if you have the right connections. The space god can
literally make coincidents and accidents happen to favor you. Think what
this means in the areas of love, sex, finances, and social standing.
It isn't WHAT you know, it WHO you know. "Luck" simply means being in the
right place at the right time. If you pay Him enough lip service, JHVH-1
can 'fix it' so that you will constantly find yourself stumbling into that
right place at just the right time. This "deal" is called The Covenant.
HOLISTIC HEROIN -- PERFECTLY LEGAL!
SOUNDS CRAZY?YOU BET. The early Christians sounded so crazy to the
Romans they were used as lion fodder. Modern-day Christians seem to have
forgotten that; plenty of them would like to see us thrown to the bull-
dozers. Oh, sure, we blaspheme like crazy against the gods. But that's
exactly Why this is the first religious text in history that doesn't
take "the Lord's Name" in vain. For once, there's a reason. GOD HIMSELF
CUSSES!! He's MAD! He's being falsely represented on Earth! Jehovah-1's
pretentions would be bad enough, but now all these human preachers have
gotten into the act, doling out notions of "right" and "wrong" as if
their peabrains could even BEGIN to sort such things out. They've cornered
the market and set things up so that enlightenment in Their churches
consists of four basic stages, each more torturous than the last, and
when some poor devil finally does get Illuminated he just reenters the
world and goes back to basically normal behavior.
SubGeniuses are Born enlightened and so may remain in the world "acting
normal" (it's all relative). They already KNOW the Big Secret of most
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The Book Of The SubGenius Don't Laugh
Mystery Schools: that "divine ecstasy" is arrived at just as easily with
a backrub, or a good screw, as it is through 20 years of ascetic self-
flogging in a cave - at least, AS LONG AS THERE IS SLACK.
By now, the average False Christian reader will assume that this whole
Church is the Devil's work. But we're much too unpopular for the Devil.
He's strictly big time and doesn't mess with marked underdogs like us. He
uses those already in seats of power. The power of the SubGenius is that WE
DON'T NEED POWER. We don't even need brains. We have "Bob," we have a
deal with JHVH-1, we have our own capacity to blunder creatively. We're too
disorganized for the Devil. If he's anywhere, he's where you least expect
him.
We may attack your beliefs. But only those who believe blindly, greedily,
or half-heartedly will be bothered by our brand of mockery. To question
their beliefs threatens them; it makes a secret part of them ashamed, and
they get riled up and start smiting.
Of course, SHEER STUPID HATE isn't the only thing that keeps people away
from the SubGenius Church. You may simply have more important things to
spend your time and money on - things like albums, going to the movies,
a new tape deck for your car - things you'd much rather possess than, oh ,
say, life after death, reincarnality, psychic powers, immortality, invisib-
ility, nirvana, communication with Higher Intelligences, SLACK, and so on.
If those things are meaningless to you, by all means, just give this Book
to someone else. We're sorry you even bothered.
You see, we're not trying to sell this to everybody. There are many we
don't want, and there are plenty we can't save because it's too late. Hard-
sell recruitment for this Church is too much trouble to bother with,
because by definition True SubGenii are not "Joiners." They're rightfully
suspicious of herds. They don't want to be "members" of any organization.
It's a miracle that we've gotten this far. Between the cult's tendency
towards secrecy and the one Law that the laws change from minute to minute,
it's not surprising that there's no man-on-the-street soliciting and
proselytizing. Even our biggest revivals are spur-of-the-moment, bacchan-
alian brawl-party affairs. The Telephone is used far more than the altar.
Because of demand From your....We Now Offer
"STYLE OF THE MONTH CLUB"
CAN'T QUITE PUT YOUR FINGER ON IT? well, divine
obfuscation has a purpose.
"In order to experience this correctly, you have to be smarter
than your normal self. In order to become that way you must first
experience this correctly. Thus we screen out those False Prophets
who would be wrongly Illuminated. The knowledge must not be
abused." -- Iwade Stanglings, 1891
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The Book Of The SubGenius Don't Laugh
Wotan works in mysterious ways, and this serves to keep the unattuned
of His business. The only way you're going to get truly, metaphysically
high off this material is to snort BETWEEN the lines. (But what you read
between the lines must be taken Literally. DO NOT read your own message
into it. There is only One True Interpretation."
"BOB" IS NOT A FAN CLUB
Most people totally misunderstand the term "SubGenius." Look at the
word. What does it mean?
It means NOTHING! It's utterly ambiguous. All-purpose. It sure as hell
doesn't mean "just below genius level." To "Bob" and his mighty friends
in The Council of None, one happy idiot is worth far more than ten A-Bomb
inventing geniuses. We throw most so-called "geniuses" OUT. They're too
nervous, they take themselves too seriously, they're Snide. They do not
truly 'know' Slack.
Praise "Bob," there are as many idiot SubGenii as "smart" ones. Most
prevalent, however, are smart-asses. It isn't brains, but an intuitive,
anti-Pink, anti-cute Attitude Mutation. The Conspiracy has proved that you
can have "high intelligence" but still not be able to Think.
No, yes, SubGeniuses are merely The Chosen People - the class which
cannot be classified, those who are different not only from others but from
Each other. If any two are the same, ONE MUST GO! We band together only for
strength, and only temporarily. The Conspiracy used to KILL people who
displayed Subgenius traits. Thanks to the countless martyred evo-and dev-
olution cults that paved the way, nowadays you're merely penalized finan-
cially, socially, and sexually for weirdness. But at least we can come out
and admit that there are people mutating ahead, and they are US; and,
because mutation is so unpredictable, there will inevitably be unguessed
other steps Beyond SubGenius... but only if WE fulfill our genetic DESTINY.
Ultimately, it isn't Smart Vs. Stupid or Cool Vs. Uncool, but The Good
Guys Vs. The Bad Guys. The free men against the robber barons. Franken-
stein's Monster against the Villagers. Of course, it's our definition of
"Good Guys," so if we aren't careful we'll end up as a bunch of Hitlers
instead of Robin Hoods.
So BEWARE - THERE MUST BE NO STEREOTYPES. Not all SubGenii act and look
wierd. Many must encase their Weird Thoughts inside a Guise of Normalcy
just to survive and infiltrate. Why, some of the main Saints of the Church
look just as pink as the day they were born. Some have had to become so
intensely, weirdly "normal" that they come full circle to achieve High
Unpredictability, ripping their hearts out for "Bob" and stomping them into
the floor, kicking the remnants off their bloody boots so that they can do
the same to a million unsuspecting Con-Dupes. AIIEEEE!
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The Book Of The SubGenius Don't Laugh
?SEE HOW EASY IT IS?
The ones to be avoided - yet the hardest to get rid of - are those who
behave as weirdly as possible but are really insecure closet Normals, doing
it only for attention from the opposite sex or something equally inconseq-
uential. SubGeniuses are not just the super-cool. Why, EVEN CHRISTIANS can
be SubGeniuses, believe it or not. "Wide-open-minded" sure doesn't mean
Punk or "New Wave" or Liberal; that's all fashion slavery financed by Them.
The hippies were easy enough to buy. They sold their cultural fringe to the
Normals cheap! And soon the norms will consider us fashionable. That's why
we owe NO loyalty to Right Wave, New Wing, or anyone else. We must trans-
cend style through nonstop style metamorphosis. The Sub-subculture must
always be one step beyond cool.
You think that's easy? Although the publishings of this Book is a key
event in Dobbs Prophecy leading to a tumping of the Con's Foundations, it
nevertheless will produce the first sickening wave of "Token SubGeniuses"
or "Bobbies." You will see "Bob" bumberstickers and T-shirts on the cars
and torsos of Pink Boys. As Dobbs said in a letter to L. Ron Hubbard,
"Sure, they're Pink, but their money is green." Still, this means that the
Real Church of the SubGenius will always remain a secret society. There
will always be that massive public face, but when the time comes the true
cult will disappear and come back under another name.
The problem is that although Abnormals are the only truly "free" bipeds,
they often don't know just how FREE THEY ARE. They take it for granted too
easily; they fall into ruts. Being of "Bob" doesn't mean you have to
identify with a guy with a pipe and a shit-eating "I know more than you do"
dog-grin all over his homogenized face. In fact, if you aren't already
sick and tired of the buzzwords "Slack," "Pinks," and, yes, even "Bob,"
they by god YOU have a PROBLEM and had better start looking for a new
escape route.
While this pith-ridden religion may be perfect for quote-heavy persons
like college students, it's risky for them too. It can turn whole tribes
of them into dogma-replaying assholes. Ask yourself: did you buy this book
because of fear of group pressure? if so, STOP READING NOW. You will injure
yourself with this material; you'll use it as a high-faluting excuse to
become infantile to the point of senility. We KNOW the power of the Dobbs.
We've seen it happen, All Too Often.
A major secret that "Bob" learned from the Conspiracy is that deep down
inside, everyone, even the SubGenius, craves authority. It's from having
Parents. But a SubGenius shortcircuits this urge. He appoints himself Pope
or Raja or something, and he believes it. But it's easy to fake that
belief, even to yourself.
Therefore, in his Church our "Bob" has included many built-in Alienation
Devices to prevent false Pink interpretation while encouraging the real,
down home SubGenii to start their own damn religions. "Bob" is not a fan
club. The Teachings constantly contradict each other and yet remain equally
true and false. Dobbs makes outright worship impossible by suddenly, unex-
pectedly changing the basic dogma just to forcibly "disconnect" the mind-
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The Book Of The SubGenius Don't Laugh
less zombie-in-a-rut. The confusing Church deliberately pulls the rug from
under the preconceptions of "Follower" types, thus separating the wheat
from the chaff. It uses Shock Value; we're often, praise Dobbs, too
sardonic for those smug hip ones who thought they were already as sardonic
as you can get.
The sacred rule of "KILL BOB" and the related doctrine of "OR KILL ME"[6]
are two of the main built-in fuse breakers designed to prevent the ego-
overloading that eventually gelds other faiths. They are reminders of the
Church's promise that it will, in the long run, accept NO SUBSTITUTE FOR
SLACK.
There is a Hierarchy of various flamboyant characters in the upper
echelons of the Church, which, despite your liberal programming, is how
it should be. However, thank God, "Bob" is the only real "star." In this
society, stardom destroys. It subverts and it waters down. But "Bob" is
immune to that, which is why he is so incomprehensibly important. He
gave his precious obscurity for his charismatic but susceptible Priesthood,
to deliver them from temptation.
Thus you are ON YOUR OWN. It's between you and "Bob." Just remember,
this is the religion that canonizes, bribes, and enslackens its most
REBELLIOUS HERETICS and CHEATS those who presume to be its most DEVOTED
MONKS. Those who 'Kill "Bob" ' always return to the fold triumphant,
CHANGED from pupils to Teachers.
We can't stop ninnies from buying the Word of Dobbs, nor can we prevent
you from spreading a watered-down version of yourself in our name. All we
can do is warn you: DON'T BE A "BOBBIE." The curse will fall on YOU. As
Rev. Emile O'Day told the poor wretch who lay in the hospital bed with
radiation burns from trying to smoke the True Pipe, "A little Dobbs'll do
you."
Yes, the love of "Bob" can kill Normals. "Bob" is too good for them...
and baaaad for them. (For this reason we urge you not to leave this Book
lying around your house for the uninitiated to see, unless of course, you
have mastered the impossible art of "explaining" the Church and are eager
to challenge the diseased, superstitious world. Because of the potentially
dangerous Power Shell that each copy of The Book possesses, we suggest you
keep it in the most holy and private sanctuary in your home, which is
usually the Chamber of Excremeditation or bathroom. There, at the Throne of
your own Holy of Holies, you and the Spirit of "Bob" can be alone together,
safe from Conspiracy distractions.)
Once the wrong kind of person gets into the Church, it's torturous
business getting them out. The power of SubGenius is unarguable, and they
keep coming back for more and more not matter how much we abuse and humil-
iation we heap on them. Anyone who gets heavily into the cult finds his
Luck Plane suddenly leaping out at him. And the coincidence level... "Bob"
is everywhere, friend, and at times it can be weird. Once an entire, all-
new Church Pamphlet jus materialized in the dead of night, burned right
onto the plates of the printing press; the machine turned itself on and
in the morning we found 10,000 new booklets sitting there along with the
glowing heel of "Bob's" shoe.
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Obviously you don't want irresponsible people tangling with such forces.
So how does one know? How can one tell whether his friends are ready
to walk the Path of "Bob?" Surely not just by the Dobbs T-shirts they
wear...
If you yourself are Pink, you'll never really be able to tell. But if
you are a true Child of "Bob," you'll soon be able to 'whiffread' or intuit
whether another is for real or not by his...by his...Well, there's no human
word that describes the 'personality-within-a-personality' as the SubGenius
recognizes it.
"If you haven't been there, I can't tell you how to get there.
But you have been there, I can show you how to stay there."
-- Dobbs, in 1965 Sales Lecture
One does not 'become' a SubGenius. If you haven't already been liberated
from false sanity, you never will be.
If this begins to sound like empty promises, it's because you have no
faith. You are of this faithless generation that demands proof of miracles.
Oh, look to your heart, friend. Is that not the only source of truth for
you? Can you not see the glowing core of Bulldada that shines within
each latent SubGenius, just waiting for the right stimulus to EXPLODE?
To offer "proof" would be to insult the Isness of "Bob;" indeed, con-
crete evidence would deny you the great Test of Faith that "Bob" demands.
If you believe, it will work. If you secretly scoff, it will fail you - or,
rather, you will fail the universe. Those who demand logical, scientific
proof of Dobbs' good-luck power will never understand. They are permanently
"asleep." We call them "Gimme-Bobs" and the True SubGenius can have no pity
on them (particularly because they are the least likely to donate money
to the Church). Ours is a ferocity of faith that can move spoons or bend
mountains, depending on the degree of developed fanaticism.
Yes, to some extent this is like deliberately going insane. So what?
That's what all gurus, followers, hobbyists, drug users and other seekers
are after. HELL, the reason "Bob's" Sacred Luck works is because it is
crazy. This is magic - REAL MAGIC.
Proof? We'll let others provide that. Two years from now, you'll be
trying to escape those who would burn your off yabbering their rapid-fire
tales of miracles since they "found Dobbs." (Actually, no one find Dobbs;
Dobbs himself does the selecting. If you are not born naturally Of "Bob"
then your ignorance is permanent. It's the indefinable, ineffable Essence
of the Eitherness of The Dobbs.)
If you have not faith, it is because you don't own yourself.
You let someone else decide how you're going to get screwed.
Decide for yourself how you're going to get screwed.
DON'T MISS OUT EVOLVE!
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If, because we seem to preach that everyone is going to get screwed
no matter what, we seem like total cynics to you, you're WAY OFF. If we
were that cynical, do you think we would put our literal asses on the
line, dangling our "sins" in front of the Conspiracy? We wouldn't do it if
we didn't think there was HOPE. We know America is still worth saving.
We know enough people out there will understand this to make us rich.
When the Xists arrive in their illusory ships of light, and after the
3rd, 4th, and 5th Comings, this planet will no longer belong to the humans
OR the SubGeniuses. That puts this beyond politics and religion; it points
out that an entire mind-set has to be erased.
Idiots think that politics can supply an answer. Bullshit. Politics are
abstract constructions: false, oversimplified coloring-book versions of
life. They can't have any effective bearing on your concrete daily grind;
they're just different ways of looking at the same things. We want to stop
looking at those things entirely. They've become sterile and ineffectual
because they long ago became rote activity conditioned into a society that
was moving too fast for its own good. We're like the wheels of a bogged-
down car, spinning deeper and deeper into the mud as our panic at finding
ourselves stuck increases. To get OUT, we must SLOW DOWN. If we calm our-
selves, step out of the car and look around for some old, flat rock that
just happens to make a perfect ramp for wheels, we can stick that sucker
down there, climb back in, and gently rock the car back and forth until we
pop right out of the rut.
Thanks to aeons-tested Conspiracy False Slack programs, however, most
people, when faced with trouble, spend more of their time abjectly staring
at the problem instead of looking away from it for the obvious solutions
that are everywhere. Now, we can't do anything about people who are born
without imagination. But we can sure as hell KICK ASS on those who are just
too lazy - or too harried - to use it. They're sitting there, letting their
most precious quality rot when they should be sitting there pumping iron
with it. GOOD GOD, it's not like we're asking them to get up. We just don't
want "getting up" to be outlawed.
We don't need to know what kind of government we'll replace the Consp-
iracy with. Our forefathers fought for independence first and then sat
down to figure out exactly what the "United States" was going to be. In
their primitive way, they tried to opt for less government. We should know
by now that the next step is NO GOVERNMENT except by the laws of SLACK.
(Coninfiltrated 'Anarchist' political groups are STILL POLITICAL.) Politics
is a dead end. Don't revise the rule book - throw it out.
A couple of decades back, we'd have been hung for saying things like
that. But today, in the 1980's, we'll make a million dollars off of it.
That, perhaps as much as anything else, indicates the depths to which
this nation has sunk.
This is a crooked and perverse nation, friend. People are more worried
about the economy than ecology. JESUS! The lack of money makes life diff-
icult alright, but the presence of radiation and deathkulture chemicals
is the very antithesis of life itself... and people run around arguing
about the price of god damn pantyhose.
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The Book Of The SubGenius Don't Laugh
One thing we MUST prevent, therefore, is letting the Church become a
soporific, a "drug" that lets us accept the death of all life on Earth.
Yeah, THAT'S funny, HA HA! This better not become some god-awful End Times
PORN for those who can only "get off" on fear-and-laughter. The Church
should make it easier to conceive of the humans' inconceivable threat
to themselves, but ONLY IF THAT MAKES US DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
THAT is the whole point.
Our twisted Hell Shit that tall those poor saps send off a dollar for
has to do more than merely put an uglier slant on what started out ugly
enough. SLACK? YEAH, you'll laugh all the way to the fully-equipped
survival shelter when "Bob" lets you in on the joke.
"Bob" can handle the Aliens, but we must police ourselves.
For: LOOK what the Conspiracy has done to 95% of our heroes, your
religious leaders, your rock stars, all your once-faves. It has taken
them and hammered them into the ground with promotion and money they know
not how to spend; it broils their brains in TV lights and saps from them
all time needed for their true calling while turning them into mere self-
parodies. It starts with the leader and from there infects the hierarchy,
then the followers...ultimately, the planet itself.
EEEYAH! Oh "Bob" we now pray to know what we really think and that you
prevent us from turning your sweet name into some jargon-infested in-joke.
Spare us thy servants from, uh, complete temptation and deliver us from
Pop Acceptance yet somehow let us keep turning a profit that we continue
to SPREAD THEY SEED IN RIGHTEOUSNESS.
Amen. Without Remorse.
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The Book Of The Subgenius
CHAPTER 1: DON'T LAUGH
FOOTNOTES
1. PINKS: (Colloq) Slang corruption of the formal SubGenius derogatory
term PINK BOYS, meaning any sheeplike status-quo normalcy dupe, living
in terror of making his or her own decisions, usually possessed of an
unusually 'blank' facial expression, characterized by mental temerity
masked by physical self-assurance. Term does not refer to skin color,
sexual identity or proclivities, or age, though it does derive from black
slang for "suburban white man." What is "pink," in the Subgenius
definition, is their outlook.
2. GLORPS: The same thing as Pinks, but even more consciously pro-Cons-
piracy. Typified by complacent suburbanites who don't mind chemical dumps
as long as they're "across the tracks." The term derives from Arkansas
SubGenius backwoods medical dialect, popularized by the head-launching
musical group, Doctors for "Bob."
3. THE NAMELESS MISSION: named by Puzzling Evidence, and anti-Conspiracy
intelligence agency originating from a secret base somewhere on the West
Coast and spreading out to influence all SubGeniusdom, militarily, for
better or worse. Keeps of the Archive of the Ears of Unibrow. Commander-in-
Chief Well Manhead, Disemboweler of Conspiracies Nankar Phlege & Security
Officer Sensitive Leaf have been assigned to act as impartial Arbiters of
Just for the SubGenius Foundation in case Dallas is nuked.
4. The Pope is Rev. Dr. Dr. (Mr. M.D.) David N. Meyer, III, D.D., B.B.T.,
who holds his revivals ONLY in the evillest, most lucrative New York
night clubs. Performs healings by sheer vocal intensity alone.
5. For more prehuman SubGenius history, see Ludwig Prinn's shunned 'De
Vermis Mysteriis', and 'The Babylonica' of the diabolical Hermes Mortius,
if you can find the three or four existing copies.
6. Both key Death Requests were discovered by Doctor's for "Bob." They
are two unsettling answer to stupid demands made by Pinks; they are also
the only two steps to rebirth available to modern Seekers.
END OF CHAPTER 1
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