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Plastic Model Kit of
J. R."BOB" DOBBS
1:8 Scale
Long, long ago, during the Years of Trouble, when all the
Northern Fathers still slept under the glaciers, there lived the being we
now know as J. R. "Bob" Dobbs. This man, Dobbs, was chosen by JHVH-1 for
the Primary Communaonications from our alien benefactors, the Xists. As
`"Bob" moved through the stars, he changed the face of them. His ten
billion Quasi-modalities now vibrate in each of us, and have transformated
him into the ETERNAL INCARNATION OF SLACK. From Dobbs came the UnReasoned
Utterances which will remain forever unerasable. His brave experimentation
with Excremeditation and Fornicationalism, using all Humankind as his test
flock, resulted in the rule of the SubGenius for the next twelve thousand
years. During his Span, disaater followed Dobbs, resulting in the outright
obliteration of his physical vessel. Only by careful, Church- supervised
studies can we now have our first look at the Dobbshell. Here is the
approved Religiofficial Bioreconstructoid, perfect in every detail: Our
Salesrnan. His skull is shaped a bit differently than is ours today. It is
somewhat flattened in the rear and bulges over the brow. His brain was
well devolved. Some theocraticians think that Dobbs did not speak at all,
or that if he did, he did not have what we would call a language. He wears
the Suit. His hands and feet are like ours. He was left-handed. The
Briefcase he holds sent the signals that launched the Rockets of
Cleansing, the blessed vehicles of our birth. He stands here in the
wreckage of Earth, his native planet.
-Paul Mavrides
BEFOREWORD
Traditionally, there are only two reasons for any book to have an
introduction, or foreword, or preforeword or whatever the hell the editor
decides to call that thing in the front of a book.
Reason #1: To Boost Sales
Someone discovered long ago that an artfully dropped name can
establish instant credibility in certain situations. In the publishing in-
dustry, this translates into the practice of inviting some celebrity or
well-known expert to introduce a work. All too often, that is the sole
"kicker" which sells it. Unfortunately, there is no guarantee that the
quality ofthe introduction will be commensurate with the selling power
ofthe introducer's name.
Reason #2: Sentimental Obligations
The editor bestows the honor of writing the introduction upon
an old buddy-some harmless but washed-up has-been to whom he owes a favor
just to give the doddering hack a break, "for old times' sake." While this
approach sometimes makes for a more enlightening and sincere introduction,
sales may suffer from the lack of status attached to the decrepit old
bum's name.
As difficult as it may be to believe, a book's ultimate
success depends entirely upon which of these traditional paths is chosen
by the editor. Since I fit neither category ofintroducers, this book may
conceivably be one of those `"wild cards" that shatter all accepted norms
of publishing . . if not even civilization as we know it, considering the
nature of our missionl
Some readers may also be surprised to learn that the foreword
is usually the last part of a book to be written, and that the foreword
actually contains the afterthoughts. A common afterthought is that readers
might wonder why in the world the book was ever written . . . which may be
particularly true in this case, so an especially lengthy attempt at an
explanation, or at least an excuse, is required.
The public generally associates my name with J. ft. "Bob" Dobbs
and the Church of the SubGenius, and well it should. I have known "Bob"
since our college days, when I saved him from drowning in a mud puddle
after he had been knocked unconscious during a panty raid. (His skull was
fractured by a bra with ice frozen into its cups-a bra hurled by none
other than his wife-to-be, the attractive and gracious "Connie" Marsh.
Yes, all three ofus met simultaneously on that fateful night in 1946.)
After several years of casual friendship and countless poker
games, my win/loss ratio with "Bob" was hopelessly lopsided and my family
fortune exhausted. I prevailed upon his boundless good nature to let me
earn back some ofmy money. Pitying me, Dobbs proffered an opportunity by
which I could both repay him my debts and recover my own losses many times
over. Promising a get-rich-quick scheme unparalleled in history, he
enlisted my aid in founding the Church of the Sub- Genius and its public
relations arm, The SubGenius Foundation, Inc. Utilizing my experience and
numerous contacts in the advertising business, I chose the then-destitute
Rev. Ivan Stang to fill the open Sacred Scribe position at Foundation
headquarters in Dallas. Ivan's task was to compile and organize the
encrypted instructions provided by Dobbs: arcane trance memos and codices
that ultimately became the early SubGenius pamphlets. "Bob" had long since
undergone his Divine Emaculation, and had consequently amassed a personal
fortune in the eleven-figure range. He then pretended to retire from
public life. (lt was even rumored in the Pentagon that he had actually
fled our solar system!)
Nevertheless, in 1979, in caves hidden in the vastness of the
Himalayas, the Most High Tibetan Lamas surgically altered my brain under
the direct tutelage of Dobbs-performing that perilous operation, the
Opening of fhe Third Nostril. This enabled me to receive, unimpeded,
dogmatic revelations directly from interstellar Silent Radio signals. It
simultaneously prepared me for that painful somatic mutation to literal,
physical OverManhood which so drastically warped my appearance that I now
must conceal my visage from the squeamish, bigoted eyes of normal humans.
Despite arduous spiritual preparations, I underwent the very tortures of
Hell when first I channeled the brain scorching direct transmissions
required for The Booh of the SubGenius (Fireside/Simon & Schuster trade
paperback, $10.95).
But who, some few may ask, is this man J. R. "Bob" Dobbs? As
difficult as it is for me to imagine that there are still so many mired in
ignorance, it yet remains a most challenging question to answer possibly
the most challenging of our time. After all, how does one describe the
indescribable, and define the indefinable? I shall attempt nonetheless to
paint a portrait of"Bob"-one equating not so much to a photograph, but at
best to a child's broken-crayon stick-figure scrawl. J. R. "Bob" Dobbs: on
the surface, an average, good-looking all-American "Joe," though of
debated parentage; perpetual smoker of a sacred briar Pipe filled with
mysterious and, some claim, hallucinatory admixtures; master omni-salesman
of legendary abilities (very probably the historical "Traveling Salesman"
of mythology), to whom has been widely attributed total command of the
Luck Plane by virtue of, not skill, but sheer and unadulterated intuitive
ignorance; recognized as Patron Saint of Salesmen the world over;
contacted and Emaculated in his youth by the alien space-god JHVH-1 to
receive instructions for initiating select individuals into the secrets of
Original Slack, its at- tainment, abuse and true purpose; founder of a
burgeoning cult religion with literally countless schisms and heretical
spin-offs; purportedly as- sassinated in 1984 by the renegade Church
Hierarchite D. Woodman Atwell (aka Puzzling Evidence and Ilberbrow), but
also allegedly resurrected in 198? at Dokstok, a pagan convocation of
fanatical upper-echelon Church executives; prophesied savior of the
dogma-following and dues-paying Chosen on X-Day, July 5, 1998, when his
"customers" the Xists arrive from "Planet X"; Honorary Pilot ofthe
pleasure-saucer Escape Vessels ofthe Sex Goddesses; and captain ofthe
Church softball team.
"Bob's" teachings promote awareness of the Original Slack with
which all bipeds, MereHumans and SubGenu alike, are endowed at birth,
allowing us to exercise and financially exploit our Abnormality
Potentials. He fights to ensure that this innate Slack is not squandered
or, worse yet, stolen outright by that Conspiracy of Normals which
presently controls this planet. Only if the Universal Slack levels are
high enough, and the smoke from `"Bob's" Pipe sufficiently thick, will the
Xists materialize and save all paid-up, Yeti-descended Ordained SubGenius
Ministers -while trashing in their interplanetary "beer run" not only the
faithless human Conspiracy dupes (or `"Pinks," "Menialitites,"
"Mediocretins," etc.), but their entire hellhole planet as well. These are
but a few reasons you owe it to yourself to purchase The Book ofthe
SubGenius-ifyou haven't already-and to buy additional copies with which to
save your loved ones . . . but NOT, necessarily, excuses for waiting to
purchase this third book. (High Weirdness by Mail, an expose of rival
false cults, is the second. )
Ordainment, membership documents and subscription to the Church
journal, The Stark Fist of Remoual, are $20 from SubGenius, Box 140306,
Dallas, Texas 75214 ($30 overseas); $1 for catalog of audio- and
videotapes, pamphlets, posters, clothing and other Churchly items. High
Weirdness by Mail, the cyclopedic directory of kookified mutation and
artistic frenzy, is, partially, our way of repaying those early
collaborators who gobbled up the bait, for it promotes hundreds of their
own secular rantzines, scientific discoveries, performance projects, UFO
con- tacts, forbidden musical recordings and shunned comic books, all
created independently of the Dobbsword-indeed, created as if in psychic
rebellion against the insidious spiritual grip within which Dobbs had, in
many cases, threatened to engulftheir minds. Dobbs was proud ofthem for
that, and rewarded them. Both High Weirdness and The Booh of the SubGenius
are $12 each postpaid from The SubGenius Foundation, Box 140306, Dallas,
Texas 75214. They may also be ordered bv better bookstores evervwhere
throueh the nublisher. Simon & Schuster.
The Book of the SubGenius presented the Teachings of Dobbs in
a formal, almost Biblical "textbook" style. It succeeded in luring into
the fold those brilliant collaborators who have made the Church
relentlessly grow and grow, like the Blob of pop mythology or the Sceptre
of Priapus in classical legendry-simultaneously inoculating our endeavors
against the entropic stagnation which afflicts all rival religions. The
intentions, then, of this anthology of fables, parables and dramatic
historical retellings is to help students transcend the hidebound, stodgy
formality of earlier revealed dogma, to grasp by example Dobbs' more
subtle characteristics, and simply to enjoy his true-life adventures as he
seeks to accomplish his Nameless Mission: a mission whose origin and
purpose remain a total mystery, certainly unfathomable through mere rote
memorization ofPreScripture. Indeed, it's possible that those who haven't
researched previous SubGenius litany may, ironically, glean more pure
Slack from this collection than will the "Bobbies" who've memorized Dobbs'
every recorded utterance. For they will be inculcating themselves with
Dobbs Knowledge from context-which, preliminary studies suggest, is the
most expeditious way to extract that " Grail ofthe Philosophers"! "Bob's"
is a living church, a dynamic social organism better understood through
even vicarious experience than through the simplistic doctrines and
embarrassing rituals which hobble lesser faiths.
What exactly is a "Three-Fisted Tale of"Bob" "? Any answer lies
only in what the Tales are not. They aren'tjust gripping yarns ofaction
and suspense, nor whimsical fantasy, nor pathetic cuteness-and-light New
Age prattlings. Nor are they limited to the strictures of science fiction
or lurid murder mystery traditions. One cannot label them simply
"romance"; and it is impossible to pigeonhole any solely as spy thrillers,
humor, or sword-and-sorcery. They are, instead, a revolutionary
amalgamation of all of the above, and far more!
Defying all basic literary genres, they lie more in the realm
of Apocrypha-dictated not by Dobbs, as was The Book of the SubGenius, but
instead by his Apostles, his Fishers of Wallets. A few Tales may even seem
heretical in content . . . but, more often, they represent in- spired
prophetic visions, biographical reenactments, and outright but no less
valid fabrications. Whether solidly researched, untarnishable histories,
or strictly metaphorical parables, they fill out the previously sketchy
picture of "Bob" Dobbs the man.
To protect his family, Dobbs himself insists that we never
identify which are true histories and which (if any) are fables; he
trustingly leaves that determination up to you, our dearly beloved Reader.
Thus, if any given Tale seems particularly distasteful to you personally,
it is your right to rank it among the subversive lies; those that you
enjoy, on the other hand, may be taken as irrefutable and factual
chronicles worthy of being etched into the Rock of Ages.
Being true SubGeniuses all, each author sees "Bob" differently,
depending upon his or her own ethical development. One writer may be
accurately recounting the Master's deeds, while the next is a schismatic
reprobate intent upon destruction of the Church from within. "Bob" still
insists that you be the judge.
Our contributors hail from all walks of life: occultists,
astrologers, rich jet-setters, doctors, minimum-wage slaves, yardmen,
poverty stricken geek visionaries, upper-level corporate managers,
Berkeley egghead intelligentsia, right-wing fascists, frothing Commie
radicals, filmmakers, technical writers, Christian missionaries,
suicidal wretches both successful and failed, cartoonists, avant-garde
painters, rock musicians . . . even gorgeous, slinky housewives in sheer,
silken evening gowns. (One manages to combine all of the above callings!)
Some have had absolutely no prior professional writing experience, yet
were obviously inspired by what can only be termed " Higher Powers." Two
or three have actually built successful careers as accomplished, paid
storytellers!
As for the editor ofthis anthology, the Rev. Ivan Stang is a
celebrated and erudite man ofdistinction known the world over-an
accomplished author, radio personality, film auteur . . . and regular
family man. Known for his ranting "Southern preacher"-style sermon
delivery, Rev. Stang has organized soul-saving Church Devivals across this
country (and several foreign nations) to great critical and even
supernatural acclaim.
He has arranged these Tales not chronologically, but rather by
strin- gent (but seductively simple) Drummondian subliminal Silent Radio
mind-control techniques. The first few stories provide a perspective for
new readers unfamiliar with the orthodox dogma: introductory Tales, if you
will. At the same time, they serve to remind self proclaimed "Sub-Genius
experts" of those sound basic doctrines whence sprang the Church's
pythonic, back-to-the-Pamphlet, dogma-scrubbing redeformation movement.
Once the explanatory narratives have been digested, the newly
illuminated reader may hurtle uncontrollably but safely into the more
profound, esoteric and, mayhaps, frightening tales-those designed to
disconnect established thought patterns and sabotage habitual mental
logic. Gliding effortlessly into a euphoric haze of real or imaginary
happenings, the reader will imbibe freely of the fermented fruits of those
who are not-quite-geniuses, becoming "drunk as a lord" with enlightenment.
Finally, when the maximum limit of enlightenment absorption is
reached, the reader (if he or she can still be referred to as such) may
stealthily dare to approach the last stories-hideous necropoli of
soullessly rotting, maleficent, stench-filled pre-/post-histories wherein
mysterious apparitions gleefully carve their unspeakable names upon the
foolish mortal reader's heart and soul. Tales of this depth simply defy
all earthly description. This arrangement allows the reader to become
gradually familiar not only with the ancillary characters who populate the
later stories, but even r,vith their writing styles-for did not these
so-called "characters" u>rite half the stories??
This is the first One True Anthology to represent the entire
gamut of the Before-, After-, and In-Between Resurrection annals-the first
(of, hopefully, many volumes) to dare cover ALL conceptual bases, charging
cheerfully and unfalteringly into the colossal sales fray that is the
marketplace, battling head to head with any and all competitive comers,
even the shallowest of best-sellers. And it shall surely come up smiling,
delivering Dobbs' Ultimate Punch Line in its pristine virgin
state-unsullied and uninterpreted.
By promising nothing, "Bob" both gives us the world and grants
us the final laugh . . . that laugh which will surely last all the way to
the bank, no matter how this book's sales figures may be impugned by any
pencil-necked geek of a market-myopic chain-bookstore accountant. We
sincerely hope that these Tales somehow allow the elusive awareness of
Slack to delicately insinuate itself into our readers' consciousnesses,
preferably without damaging their abilities to do their dayjobs.
After all, we value their money almost as highly as their souls.
It is therefore my most profound privilege to declare to you, dear
Reader: READ ON IF YOU DARE!
This is mv testament!
-Dr. Philo Drummond
OverMan lst Degree,
First Authorized FisTem-
ple Lodge, Church of the
SubGenius / Drummondian