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/*
* This copy was obtained (rather indirectly) from the Dartmouth College
* Computing Center. Rumour has it that it was typed in from the movie
* but, as it occured some while ago, no one is really sure of its origins.
* I'm afraid this copy is a little bit damaged. Feel free to fix it up,
* just be careful not to mung it. Or you can send mail to DRW, and I'll
* patch it up.
*/
@ Further modifications made by Sean Rouse... by no means is this complete
@ more lines need to be added.
LATEST REVISION DETAILS:
This copy is was edited and all that neat stuff by Rodney Horror. The lines
here are ones used at Raleigh NC's Rialto theatre. These are NOT all of the
lines!! They are just some of the more popular. You will notice that in
Toucha-Toucha-Touch Me and Eddie's Teddy that the "Echos" were left out
because they change so often. Well, enjoy!! Hope to see you at the late
night, double featue, picture show!!!
The Rocky Horror Picture Show
=============================
[ Props: (in some sort of order)
Rice
Newspaper (pref. Plain Dealer)
Water (squirt gun, water bottle or whatever)
Matches, Lighter or other light source (flashlight)
Rubber Gloves (opt)
Noisemaker (kazoo, etc...)
Confetti (torn newpapers will suffice)
Toilet Paper (pref. Scott)
Toast
Party Hat
Bell
Cards
General Information:
Audience instructions are in square brackets. Text in quotes
is to be shouted. The instruction 'Echo' indicates that the
following line is to be shouted in unison with the film.
Whenever Brad appears, or is introduced in some way
the line "Asshole!" is appropriate.
When Janet is introduced or appears, the line "Slut!" is
appropriate, or you prefer...
the line "Nice" (Nissss)is appropriate to Janet. Whenever
Narrator (Charles Gray) appears, the following lines and
variants are appropriate: "Where's your fucking neck!";
"Bo-ring!" When Dr. Scott appears, "It's R2D2 in
Drag" or "It's Mary Poppins taking a shit" are
appropriate.
Before the movie starts, yet after the pre-show, it is
customary to yell "4,3,2,1 Start the fucking movie!! 1,2,3,4
forget the movie start the fucking!!"
SCIENCE FICTION/DOUBLE FEATURE
[as Fox logo appears, yell "A long, long time ago, in
a galaxy far far away, God said, "Let there be lips, and there were
and they were good. Sing it lips!']
Usherette(lips): Michael Rennie was ill
The Day the Earth Stood Still ["he was dead!]
But he told us where we stand. ["On our feet" while standing]
And Flash Gordon was there
In silver underwear, ["it was gold!"]
Claude Rains was the Invisible Man. ["I saw him!"]
Then something went wrong
For Fay Wray and King Kong;
They got caught in a ["sexual jam"]["69"]
Then at a deadly pace
It Came From... ["where?"] Outer Space.
And this is how the message ran:
["Freeze lips!"]
Chorus: Science fiction, double feature
Doctor X ["Sex Sex Sex Sex"] will build a creature.
See androids fighting ["and fucking and sucking who"] Brad and Janet
Anne Francis stars in ["Deep Throat I, just for fun!]
Forbidden Planet
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
At the late night,["what kind of feature?"] double feature,
["what kinda show?"] picture show.
["Sing it lips!"]
Usherette(lips): I knew Leo G. Carrol
Was over a barrel [echo "Was fucking in a barrel!"]
When Tarantula took to the hills. ["Lick it!"]
And I really got hot
When I saw Jeanette Scott [echo "When I saw Janet's twat"]
Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills.[echo "Fight a penis
that spits semen and thrills!"]
["What the fuck is a Triffid"]
Dana Andrews said Prunes ["did what?"]
Gave him the runes [echo "Gave him the shits"]
And passing them used ["Ex-Lax Pills"]["Yay Ex-Lax"]
But When Worlds Collide, [clap hands, hit seat, or "boom!"]
Said George Powell to his bride,
"I'm gonna give you some terrible thrills," [echo "Sexual Thrills"]
Like a...
["Sex-ray!"]
["You call THAT a sexual thrill???"]
Chorus: Science fiction, double feature
Doctor X ["Sex sex sex sex"] will build a creature.
See androids fighting ["and fucking and sucking who"] Brad and Janet
Anne Francis stars in ["Deep Throat 2 this time she swallows!"]
Forbidden Planet
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
At the late night,["what kind of feature?"] double feature,
["what kind of show?"] picture show.
I wanna go ["I thought you wanted to come"]
Oh Oh Oh
To the late night ["what kind of feature?"] double feature
["what kind of show?"] picture show,
By RKO, ["FUCK RKO"]
Oh Oh Oh
To the late night ["what kind of feature?"] double feature
["What kind of show?"] picture show,
["Where's the best place to fuck???"]
In the back row,
[front row: "Fuck the back row!"]
[back row: "Fuck the front row!"]
[all rows: "Fuck in the third row!!!"]
Oh Oh Oh
To the late night,["what kind of feature?"] double feature,
["What kind of show?"] picture show!
As cross fades in ["Who came on the cross?"]
Dentonian: Here they come! (Dentonians cheer and throw rice) [throw RICE]
Photographer: Let's get a picture. Close together now. The parents and
then the grandparents. Yes, all the close family. Ahhh,
hold that. Beautiful. And... (snap)
Ralph: I guess we really did it, huh. ["Hit him, Hit him back"]
Brad: I don't think there's any doubt about that. You and Betty have
been almost inseparable since you met in Dr. Scott's refresher
class.
Ralph: Well to tell you the truth, Brad, that's the only reason I
showed up in the first place. (chuckles)
Betty: O.K. you guys, this is it. (everyone screams)
Ralph: Well Betty's going to throw the bouquet. [throw BOUQUET]
Janet: ["Hey Janet, do you have Woodworms?" or any venereal disease]
I got it! I got it!
Ralph: Hey big fella, ["How would you know?"] looks like it could be your
turn next, eh?
Brad: Who knows. ["We do!"]
Ralph: Well, so long, see you Brad. ["See ya sucker!"]
Guess we better get get going now Betty. Come on, hop in.
(they drive away) ["Think about it asshole! Masturbate your chin!"]
["Be just and fear not, be stoned and fear nothing, drop acid and
fear EVERYTHING!!" when sign appears]
Janet: Oh Brad, wasn't it wonderful? ["No!"]
Wasn't Betty radiantly beautiful? ["No!"]
I can't believe it. An hour ago she was just plain old Betty Monroe
and now...["Now she's just plain old!"] now she's Mrs. Ralph Hapshatt.
["Half-shit! (will travel)"]
Brad: Yes Janet, Ralph is a lucky guy.
["No he's not, she got woodworms!"]
Janet: Yes.
Dentonian: I always cry at weddings.
["and laugh at funerals"]
Brad: Everyone knows that Betty is a wonderful little cook.
["So's Betty Crocker, but I wouldn't wanna fuck her!!"]
Janet: Yes.
Brad: Why Ralph himself, he'll be up for a promotion in a year or two.
["If he doesn't get busted!"]
[when Denton sign is in view... "What's a billboard doing in a
cemetary? Advertising! No, it's Andy Warhol's tombstone!"]
Janet: Yes.
DAMMIT JANET
["Brad, what do you say when you want to fuck"]
Brad: Hey Janet.
["Sit on my face and wiggle, sit on my cock and jiggle, bounce up
and down and giggle!! Sit on my porch and widdle!"]
Janet: Yes Brad?
Brad: I've got something to say.
["Sing it asshole, it's a musical"]
Janet: Uh huh.
Brad: I really love the... ["Starts with an S...sk,sk,sk,sk,sk,sk,sk"]
skillful way ["you give head"]... you beat
the other girls... ["With whips and chains?"]
to the bride's bouquet. ["that too"]
Janet: Oh Brad.
[audience echoes 'Janet's, 'Oh Brad's, 'Dammit, Janet's]
[echo Dammit Janet! I wanna screw" over Dammit Janet...
repeat whenever necessary]
Brad: The river was deep but I swam it.[ECHO:"The pussy was deep, but I
rammed it!"] (Janet)
The future is ours so let's plan it. (Janet)
So please, don't tell me to can it. (Janet)
I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet I love you.
The road was long but I ran it. (Janet)
There's a fire in my heart and you fan it. (Janet)
[ECHO: "There's a fire in my pants and you fan it"]
If there's one fool for you then I am it. (Janet)
I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet I love you.
Here's a ring to prove that I'm ["a sucker"].
There's three ways that love can grow. ["sex, drugs, rock & roll"]
That's good, bad, or mediocre.[ECHO: "oral, anal, or vaginal"]
Oh, J-A-N-E-T I love you so.
["Hey, Janet, Describe your new dildo."]
Janet: Oh, it's nicer than Betty Monroe had. (Oh Brad)
Now we're engaged and I'm so glad (Oh Brad)
That you met Mom and you know Dad. (Oh Brad)
[ECHO: "That you fuck mom and you blow dad."]
I've one thing to say and that's Brad, I'm mad, for you too.
[echo "you fag, fuck you too!" over "I'm mad, for you too."]
Oh Brad...
["What did you have for breakfast?"]
Brad: Oh... dammit.
[echo "Aw shit" over "Oh... dammit"]
Janet: I'm mad...
["What does Janet's cunt smell like?"]
Brad: Oh, Janet.
[echo "Aw shit" over "Oh, Janet"]
Janet: For you. [ECHO: "FUCK YOU!"]
Brad: I love you too. [ECHO: "I want to screw."]
Brad & Janet: There's one thing left to do ["ach-ooo"]
Brad: And that's go see the man who began it. (Janet)
When we met in his science exam - it (Janet)
Made me give you the eye and then panic. (Janet)
[ECHO: "Made me piss in my pants and then fan it"]
Now I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet, I love you.
Dammit, Janet.
Janet: Oh Brad, I'm mad. [echo "You fag" over "I'm mad"]
Brad: Dammit, Janet.
Brad & Janet: I love you. [echo "I wanna screw"]
["Remember these faces. The man you are about to see has NO
FUCKING NECK. Where's your fucking neck? In his other fucking
suit!"]
Narrator: I would like, ["You would, would you?"]
ah, if I may, ["You may not!"] ...to take you ["where?"] on a
strange journey. ["How strange was it? So strange they made a
movie out of it. Not the book the movie! And this pervert took
pictures! And you're in 'em!"]
It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Brad Majors ["asshole"]
his fiancee Janet Weiss ["slut"], two young, normal, healthy kids,
left Denton that late November evening, to visit a Dr. Everett Scott, ex-tutor,
now friend to both of them.
["Is it true that you know about anal sex with porcupines?"]
It's true there were dark storm clouds.
["Describe Oprah Winfrey!"]
heavy, black, and pendulous, towards which they were driving.
["It it also true that you masturbated with Pee Wee Herman?"]
It's true, also, that the spare tire they were carrying
was badly in need of some air,["So's your fucking neck!"]
but, uh, they being normal kids, on a night out ["it was a night
in!"] [Begin yelling "Fuck that chin!" until chin has been fucked]
well, they weren't going to let a storm spoil the rest
their evening, were they?...On a night out... it was a night out
they were going to remember... ["How long?"] for a very long time.
[move hands as if they were windshield wipers]
[echo stuff to Nixon speech....]
["How many motorcylces has that been Janet (Slut)?"]
Janet: Gosh, that's the third motorcycle that's passed us.
["The slut can't count. It's the first!"]
They sure do take their lives in their hands, what with the
weather and all.
Brad: Yes, life's pretty cheap to that type. ["Yay that type"]
Janet: Oh. ...What's the matter, Brad darling?
["Make a sound like a cow"]
Brad: Hmmmm...We must have taken the wrong fork a few miles back. ["Wrong
spatchula!"]
Janet: Oh, but where did those motorcycles come from?
[Imitate Twilight Zone theme.]
Brad: Hmmm... well I guess we'll just have to turn back.
[Repeat "Grab that tit!" until tit is grabbed] <BOOM!!!>
Janet: Oh! What was that bang? ["A gang bang!"]
Brad: We must have a blowout. ["Kill that New Kid!"] DAMMIT! [clap hands]
I knew I should have
gotten that spare tire fixed. ["Asshole!"] Well, you just stay here
keep warm and I'll go for help.
Janet: But where will you go in the middle of nowhere?
Brad: [chant "castle!"] ...Didn't we pass a castle back down the road
a few miles? [Cheer] Maybe they have a telephone we could use.
["Castles don't have telephones, asshole!" repeat when appropriate]
Janet: I'm going with you.
Brad: Oh, no, darling, there's no sense in both of us getting wet.
["She's allready wet!"]
Janet: I'm coming with you! ["That'll be a first!"]
Besides darling, the owner of that phone might be a beautiful woman,
["He is!"] and you might never come back again.
Brad: Heh, heh, heh, heh.
[they get out of the car "Kick it!". NEWSPAPERS over heads, squirt
the virgins sitting in front of you "Hey, Janet, walk like you've
got a guiding star up your ass!"]
OVER AT THE FRANKENSTEIN PLACE
["Where do you masturbate?"]
Janet: In the velvet darkness,
Of the blackest night,
Burning bright, ["What's up your ass?"] there's a guiding star.
No matter what or who you are.
Brad & Janet: There's a light... [light MATCHES on 'light']
Chorus: Over at the Frankenstein place.
Brad & Janet: There's a light...
["Where's Santa Claus?"]
Chorus: Burning in the fireplace...
[MATCHES out on 'darkness' - "Darkness!" if any lights still on]
Brad & Janet: There's a light, light in the darkness of everybody's life.
["Sing to us oh, hairless one!"]
Riff Raff: The darkness must go down the river of night's dreaming.
Flow morphia slow, let the sun and light come streaming
Into my life. Into my life...
Brad & Janet: There's a light... [MATCHES again]
Chorus: Over at the Frankenstein place.
Brad & Janet: There's a light...
["Where's Santa Claus?"]
Chorus: Burning in the fireplace.
There's a light, a light
Brad & Janet: [off at 'Darkness'] ...in the darkness of everybody's life.
["and Betsy Ross used to sit at home and sew and sew..."]
} (in the stage version right after the first chorus Brad has this extra verse:
}
}Brad: I can see the flag fly
} I can see the rain
} Just the same, there has got to be
} Something better here for you and me.
}
} (repeat chorus))
Narrator: And so, it seemed that fortune had smiled on Brad and Janet
["unlike your neck"] and
that they had found the assistance that their plight required.
["Are you sure?"] ...Or had they?
Janet: Brad, let's go back, I'm cold and frightened...
Brad: Just a moment Janet, they might have a phone.
["ding dong, asshole calling, slut for sale, rent to own"]
(doorbell rings, door creaks open)
["Hey, Riff, what do you call Satanic Gelatin?"]
Riff Raff: Hello.
["Brad, are you horny or high?"]
Brad: Hi! My name is Brad Majors, and this is my fiancee, Janet Weiss.
I wonder if you could help us. You see, our car broke down
a few miles up the road... do you have a phone we might use?
["Look between Janet's legs" or "Castles don't have phones
asshole"]
Riff Raff: You're wet.
["Janet, are you a slut?"]
Janet: Yes ["why?"] it's raining.
["Are you an asshole, Brad?"]
Brad: Yes.
["Riff, are you stoned?"]
Riff Raff: Yes... I think perhaps you better both ["Get Lost"] come inside.
["I don't care where you come as long as you clean it up."]
Janet: You're too kind. ["You're too fucking stupid bitch!"]
Oh Brad, I'm frightened. What kind of a place is this?
Brad: Oh, it's probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdos.
["Rich weirdos are out of season!"]
Janet: Oh (forlornly)
Riff Raff: ["Which way (do you fuck your sister)?"] This way.
["Follow the bouncing thumb"]
Janet: Are you having a party?
["No, it's my sister's bah mitzvah."]
Riff Raff: You've arrived on a very special night.["why?"] It's one of the
master's affairs. ["Which one? The infectuous one!"]
Janet: Oh lucky him.
Magenta: You're lucky, He's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky! ha ha ha ha ha
["The banister's lucky! No it's not, she's got woodworms!"]
(- seven dongs -) [don't ask -ed.]
THE TIME WARP
[if you aren't at the stage by now, run to the stage and
start beating on it!]
Riff Raff: It's astounding;
Time is fleeting; ["What runs in your family?"]
Madness takes its toll.
But listen closely...
["For how long?"]
Magenta: Not for very much longer.
["How many balls have you got?"]
Riff Raff: I've got to keep control.
I remember doing the time-warp ["Kick! Kick!"]
Drinking those moments when
The darkness would hit me
Riff & Magenta: And a void would be calling...
[get up and time warp!]
Transylvanians: Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
["How's it done?"]
[Here are the instructions: DO IT!]
Narrator: It's just a jump to the left.
All: And then a step to the right.
Narrator: With your hands on your hips. [echo "tits" over "hips"]
All: You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust ["group sex" with each thrust]
That really drives you insane.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
[BEAT ON THE STAGE!!!]
Magenta: It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me.
So you can't see me, no, not at all.
In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention,
Well secluded, I see all.
Riff Raff: With a bit of a mind flip
Magenta: You're into the time slip. ["Fuck that bird!"]
Riff Raff: And nothing can ever be the same.
Magenta: You're spaced out on sensation.
Riff Raff: Like you're under sedation.
[up again!]
All: Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
[BEAT ON STAGE WITH ABSOLUTELY NO RYTHM!!!]
Columbia: Well I was walking down the street just having a think
When this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.
He shook me up, he took me by surprise
He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes.
He stared at me and I felt a change.
Time meant nothing, never would again.
[up again!]
All: Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Narrator: It's just a jump to the left.
All: And then a step to the right.
Narrator: With your hands on your hips.
All: You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
[BEAT ON STAGE WITH EVEN LESS RHYTHM!!!]
(Columbia tap-dances ["2,4,6,8, everybody masturbate, 2,4,6,8,
everybody fornicate, 2,4,6,8, everyone ejaculate, 2,4,6,8,10,12,
fuck it. Eat your self out Anne Miller!"])
All: Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Narrator: It's just a jump to the left.
[ECHO: "Get the fuck off the desk!"]
All: And then a step to the right.
Narrator: With your hands on your hips.
All: You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust
that really drives you insane.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
[collapse out of exhaustion!]
Janet: Brad, say something. (whispered)
[echo "Say something stupid"]
Brad: Say, do any of you guys know how to Madison?
["I do the <insert stupid dance name here> myself!"]
Janet: Brad, please, let's get out of here.
Brad: For God's sake keep a grip on yourself Janet.
(music cue softly at first, crescendo up) ["Drugs" or "Sex" in time
with Frank's foot.]
Janet: But it... it seems so unhealthy here.
Brad: It's just a party, Janet.
Janet: Well - I want to go.
Brad: Well we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone.
Janet: Well then ask the butler or someone.
Brad: Just a moment, Janet - we don't want to interfere
with their celebration.
Janet: This isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Brad.
Brad: They're probably foreigners with ways different than our own.
They may do some more folk dancing.
Janet: Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared.
Brad: I'm here - there's nothing to worry about
[Scream!]
SWEET TRANSVESTITE
Frank: How do you do, I
See you've met my
Faithful handyman.
He's just a little brought down
Because when you knocked
He thought you were the candyman.
Don't get strung out by the way I look.
Don't judge a book by its cover.
I'm not much of a man ["Or a woman"] by the light of day
But by night I'm one hell of a lover.
[cheer, scream, bow down in praise, etc...]
I'm just a sweet transvestite
From Transexual, Transylvania.
Let me show you around
Maybe play you a sound.
You look like you're both pretty groovy. ["BULLSHIT!"]
Or if you want something visual ["Like a movie?"]
That's not too abysmal, ["Like a movie?"]
We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie. ["Who the fuck is Steve
Reeves?"]
Brad: I'm glad we caught you at home,
Could we use your phone?
We're both in a bit of a hurry.
Janet: [echo 'Left'] Right.
Brad: We'll just say where we are,
Then go back into the car. [echo "Fuck in the car!"]
We don't want to be any worry.
Frank: Well you got with a flat, well,["fuck that cat"].
Well, babies, don't you panic.
By the light of the night it'll all seem alright.
I'll get you a satanic mechanic. ["S and M!"]
I'm just a sweet transvestite
["boom shicka boom shicka boom"]
From Transexual, Transylvania.
Why don't you stay for the night?
Riff Raff: [echo] Night.
Frank: Or maybe a bite?
Columbia: [echo] Bite.
Frank: I could show you my favourite obsession. ["Sex!"]
I've been making a man ["You call that a man?"]
With blond hair and a tan ["You call that a tan?"]
And he's good for relieving my... ["Sexual!"] ...tension
I'm just a sweet transvestite
["Check it out!"]
From Transexual, Transylvania.
[echo] HIT IT, HIT IT!
I'm just a sweet transvestite
Frank, Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta: Sweet transvestite
Frank: From Transexual,
Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta: Transylvania.
Frank: So - come up to the lab,
And see [echo "Fuck"] what's on the slab.
I see you shiver with antici - ["Consta..." <4 times>] - pation.
But maybe the rain
Isn't really to blame.["I thought Sue was to blame"]
So I'll remove the cause. (chuckles) ["What about the symptom?"]
But not the symptom.
(applause) (Brad and Janet are given towels and both say thank you)
["Janet's on the rag, so is Brad" sung out]
(Columbia and Riff Raff start to undress Brad and Janet)
Janet: Oh! Brad!
Brad: It's all right Janet. We'll play along for now and pull
out the aces when the time is right. ["Show us your aces. That's
not an ace, that's a joker! No it's not, it's a joke!"]
Columbia: Slowly, slowly! It's too nice a job to rush.
["Brad, are you horny or high?"]
Brad: Hi, my name is Brad Majors, and this is my fiancee,
Janet Weiss; ["Brad, spell 'Europe'!"] you are...
Columbia: You're very lucky to be invited up to Frank's laboratory.
Some people would give their right arm for the priviledge.
["Or their left tit, or their eyebrows, or their careers!"]
Brad: People like you maybe.
Columbia: Ha! I've seen it.
(Riff Raff pours wine into a glass,["Don't drop the bottle."
<repeated until bottle is dropped> "Riff can't hold his liquor!"]
takes a swig from the bottle, and lets it drop after
Magenta says "Shift it"
Magenta: Come along - the master doesn't like to be kept waiting.
["What do you do with Frank's dick?"]
Magenta: Shift it.
(Janet screeches - the elevator goes up)
Janet: Is he, Frank I mean,Is he your husband?
Riff Raff: The master is not yet married, nor do I expect he ever
shall be. We are simply his ["slaves"] servants.["same thing"]
Janet: Oh.
[as elevator rises, the following things are said as each floor
approaches. "First floor, Camera cables and dildoes" "Second floor,
hall of mirrors" "Third flood, Stevie Wonder on Acid" "Fourth
floor, preppy transvestites in cheap Salvation Army clothes"]
elevator door opens
["invisible man first, sluts second, assholes third, assorted tykes
and dykes last"]
[shot pans around and shows Transylvanians "Look, it's the <enter
stupid organization name here>"]
Frank: ["What's your favorite color?"] Magenta,
["Where do you get your pot?"] Columbia, ["Good choice"]
go assist Riff Raff. I will entertain ...uh huh huh... (chuckles)
["The Camera! Rocky Horror 3-D! AAAAAHHH!!!"]
Brad: Brad Majors. And this is my fiancee, Janet "Vice".
["Tight as a vice and twice as nice!"]
Janet: Weiss.
Brad: Weiss? um
Frank: ["Say something in French"] Enchante.
(Janet giggles)
["What's it mean?"]
Frank: Well! how nice. ["that's not what it means!"] And what charming
underclothes you both have. ["THAT'S what it means!"]
But here. Put these on. ["and take yours off"]
They'll make you feel less ["naked"] vulnerable. ["same thing"]
It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer
them... hospitality. [ECHO: "Horse Brutaltity" over "Hospitality"]
Brad: Hospitality!? [echo "Horse brutality!?"]
All we asked was to use your telephone,
[start saying "It's" and repeat slowly leading up to "Superasshole"]
Goddammit, a reasonable request which you've chosen to ignore.
Janet: Brad, don't be ungrateful.
Brad: Ungrateful! [when Brad removes his glasses, "It's Superasshole!"]
Frank: How forceful you are, Brad. Such a perfect specimen of manhood.
So... ["Big"] dominant (crowd has flurry of laughs).
You must be awfully proud of him, Janet.
Janet: ["Hey, Janet, are you a slut?"] Well, yes I am. (giggles)
Frank: Do you have any tattoos, Brad?
["You can't tatoo an asshole"]
Brad: Certainly not!
Frank: Oh well, how about you. (to Janet)
["Show him the battleship, bitch!"]
Janet: No. (giggling)
Riff Raff: Everything is in readiness, master["bater" repeat when appropriate].
We merely await your ["orgasm"] word.
(Frank spills wine on Riff) ["DAMN! I just had that hump dry
cleaned!"]
[applaud and use noisemakers when appropriate]
[snap glove or clap hands when Frank snaps his gloves]
["Hey, Frank, when's the orgy?"]
Frank: Tonight, my unconventional conventionalists... you are about to
witness a new breakthrough in biochemical [echo "sexual" over
"chemical"] research... and paradise is to be mine...
It was strange the way it happened... suddenly you get a break...
whole pieces start to fit into place, not a sign of being..
what a fool! The answer was there all the time, it took a small
accident to make it happen... ["An accident?"] AN ACCIDENT
Magenta & Columbia: An accident!
Frank: And that's how I discovered the secret, that elusive ingredient,
that SPARK that is the breath of life...
["Do you know about anal sex with Jesse Helms?"]
Yes, ["Do you know about anal sex with farm animals?"]
I have that knowledge... ["What do you hold between your legs?"]
I know the secret... ["To life?"] to life... ["Itself?"] itself!
You are fortunate for tonight is the night that my beautiful
creature is destined to be BORN!
(Magenta and Columbia take hold of the cloth)
["Frank, how do you say 'fuck you' in Chinese?"]
Up now!
Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator...
and step the reactor power three more points!
[ECHO: "Three more triangles" or "trivial pursiuit pieces"]
(colorful fluids, etc. in order Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo
Violet [identify colors as "Red! ...Orange", etc. ] [ask "Is it soup yet?"
several times, and then, "Now it is!"]
(Rocky emits some gutteral garbage)
Frank: Oh! [echo] Rocky!
THE SWORD OF DAMOCLES
Rocky: The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head,["swallow it!"]
And I've got the feeling someone's gonna be cutting the thread.
Oh, woe is me, my life is a misery.
Oh, can't you see, that I'm at the start of a pretty big downer.
I woke up this morning with a start when I fell out of bed.
All: That ain't no crime.
Rocky: And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnameable dread.
All: That ain't no crime.
Rocky: My high is low, I'm dressed up with no place to go.
And all I know is I'm at the start of a pretty big downer.
All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Rocky: Oh ho no no
All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Rocky: Oh ho no no
All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Rocky: Oh ho no no
Rocky: The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head.
All: That ain't no crime.
Frank: Well really.
Rocky: And I've got the feeling someone's going to be cutting the thread.
All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Rocky: Oh no no no.
All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Rocky: Oh no no no.
All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Rocky: Oh no no no.
(repeat until end --- Sha-la-la)
All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime,
Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime,
sha-la-la.
Frank: Well really. That's no way to behave on your first day out.
["it was his first day in!"] But since you're of such exceptional
beauty, I'm prepared to forgive you.
["Hey, Rocky, how do you beat off siamese twins?"]
Rocky: Ugh Ugh (applause) (Rocky [and audience] claps like a child)
Frank: Oh, I just love success.
Riff Raff: He's a credit to your genius, master.
Frank: Yes.
Magenta: A triumph of your will.
Frank: Yes.
Columbia: He's O.K.
["O.K.?" or "You blew it bitch, get your tits off my tank!"]
Frank: o.k. ["Kill that New Kid!"] (smack)
O.K.! ["What do you think of the Greensboro cast?"]
I think we can do better than that. Humph!
Well, Brad and Janet, what do you think of him?
["Lie, Janet!"]
Janet: Well, I don't like a man with too many muscles.
["Just one BIG one!"]
Frank: I didn't make him... FOR YOU! ["yeah, but she gets him anyway"]
He carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval.
[clap and make seal noises]
I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN (part I)
["describe Pee Wee Herman" or whoever]
Frank: A weakling weighing ninety-eight pounds ["that's Two Pee Wees"]
Will get sand in his face
When kicked to the ground [echo "groin"];
And soon in the gym with a determined chin,
["what do you like to lick?"]
The sweat from his pores as he works for his cause
Will make him glisten
["What's your favorite toothpaste?"] and gleam.
And with massage, and ["What's for dinner?"]
just a little bit of steam,
["Go for the gold!" followed by...
sing "Missed it, missed it, now you gotta kiss it!"]
He'll be pink and quite clean
He'll be a strong man.
["what does elephant come taste like?"] Oh honey...
All: But the wrong man.
Frank: He'll eat nutritious high protein ["cum"].
And swallow raw eggs... [ECHO: "come!"]
Try to build up his shoulders, his chest, arms, and... legs.
Such an effort if he only knew of my plan.
In just seven days...
["And seven nights..." repeat after each time]
Frank & Transylvanians: I can make you a man.
[ECHO: "A fag, just like his dad."]
Frank: He'll do press-ups, and chin-ups, do the snatch,
clean and jerk ["off"].
He thinks dynamic tension ["what do you think of anal sex?"]
must be hard work.
Such strenuous living I just can't understand,
When in just seven days, oh baby, ...I can make you a man.
Columbia: EDDIE!
HOT PATOOTIE (BLESS MY SOUL)
Eddie: Whatever happened to Saturday night,
When you dressed up sharp and you felt alright?
It don't seem the same since cosmic light
Came into my life, I thought I was divine.
I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go,
And listen to the music on the radio;
A saxophone was playing in a rock 'n roll show.
You climbed in the back seat, you really had a good time.
Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.
[Echo "sex drugs and rock and roll" over "I really love..."]
(repeated three more times)
(Sax solo) [when Eddie stomps the floor, "Eat shit, and die"]
My head used to swim from the perfume I smelled.
My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt.
I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt
And she'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine.
Get back in front, put some hair oil on
Buddy Holly was singing his very last song.
With your arms around your girl you'd try to sing along.
It felt pretty good. Woo You really had a good time.
Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.
(... for a total of twelve times)
(Frank attacks Eddie with an alpinist's pick) [Scream]
["That's no way to pick your friends!" or "Picky, picky, picky"]
["Frank, what's the score?"]
Frank: One from the vaults. (chuckles)
["Give those used rubbers to Magenta, she knows what to do
with them" as Frank gives the bloody gloves to her]
Rocky: Ugh...
Frank: Oh baby... Don't be upset... ["What sort of a killing was it?"]
It was a mercy killing... ["mercy mercy"]
he had a certain naive charm, ["But what a muscle?"]
but no muscle (Rocky flexes a bicep) ...Oh!
I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN (part II)
Frank: But a deltoid and a bicep.
A hot groin and a tricep.
Makes me, oooh, shake,
Makes me want to Charles Atlas by the ["Balls!"] ...ha-ha-hand.
Frank & Transylvanians: In just seven days I can make you a man.
Frank: I don't want no dissention, just dynamic tension.
["Sing it, Bitch!"]
Janet: I'm a muscle fan.
Frank: In just seven days, I can make you a man
Dig it if you can
In just seven days, I can make you a man.
(Frank and Rocky's WEDDING MARCH)
Transylvanians: Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah!
Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah!
[throw Confetti]
________________________________________________________________________________
Narrator: There are those that say that life is an illusion ["so's your
fucking"] and that reality is but a figment of the imagination.
["So's your fucking neck"] If this is so, then Brad and Janet are
quite safe ["unlike your fucking neck"], ... however, the sudden
departure of their host [ECHO:"neck"]...and his creation ["creative
neck"]...into the seclusion of his somber bridal suite
[echo "Sweet" up high] had left them feeling both ["Neckless!"]
apprehensive and uneasy a feeling which grew ["unlike your fucking
neck"] as the other guests departed, and they were
shown to their separate rooms. ["Same room different filter."]
(Janet and Brad are shown to their rooms by Riff Raff and Magenta.)
["Pink is for Sluts... watch out for the basin ...
He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake...
He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!"]
(Brad enters room)
["Same room, different filter, cheap fucking movie. Same line, Same
room, cheap fucking audience"]
(knock)
Janet: Uhh! Who is it? Who's there?
["Not to worry, not to fear, Frank the wonderfuck is here, part one"]
Frank (Brad): It's only me, Janet.
Janet: Oh, Brad darling, come in.
["and out and in and out"]
Oh! Brad Oh Brad. Yes, my darling...but what if...
["Don't worry, I brought a rubber!"]
Frank (Brad): It's all right, Janet, everything's going to be alright.
["Don't touch his hair!" or "Don't fuck with the hair"]
Janet: Oh, I hope so, my darling. Oh...Ah...ahh OHHH! Oh it's you!
["We told you not to fuck with the hair!"]
Frank: I'm afraid so, Janet, but isn't it nice...
Janet: Oh, you beast, you monster...Oh what have you done with Brad?
["Nothing yet, he's saving the best for last!"]
Frank: Oh, well, nothing. Why, do you think I should?
Janet: You tricked...I wouldn't have...I've never..never...
["That's not what you told the cub scouts!!"]
Frank: Yes, yes I know, but it isn't all bad, is it? ["It isn't all
Brad either! It's a meat substiture, phoney baloney"]
I think you really found it quite pleasurable.
Janet: Oh, stop...I mean help...Brad Brad!..Oh Brad!!
["Brad's never been down there!"]
Frank: Shhh. Brad's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you
like...This!
Janet: Like this..like how??! Oh, it's your fault...you're to blame
["I thought Sue was to blame."]...Oh..I was saving myself...
["For what, a rainy day? Hey bitch, it's raining!"]
Frank: Yes, but I'm sure you're not SPENT yet...
["Anybody got change for a penny?"]
Janet: Promise you won't tell Brad?
Frank: Cross my heart and hope to die...
["Stick a dildo between by thighs"]
(assorted sexual noises)
(scene with Riff & Magenta, Magenta with a mop)
["I'm so glad we have this time together."]
(Riff walks over to Magenta)
["You fuck with the monster and I'll keep score. Hey, Magenta's on
the rag and on the stick!.... He's so fine."]
(Riff walks over to Rocky)
["Rocky takes it up the ass, doo, dah, doo, dah
Riff Raff does it twice as fast, oh, dee, doo, dah, day"]
["Service entrance in the rear", answer "That's why they call
them the Butler"]
(Riff grabs the candelabra)
(Riff Raff scares Rocky with a candelabra)
(Rocky runs away as Riff cracks his whip)
(Rocky climbs down the elevator shaft)
(Riff approaches Magenta)
[chant "Elbow Sex!" until they have it]
(scene change to Brad's room)
["Not to worry,not to fear, Frank the wonderfuck is here, part two"]
Frank (Janet): Oh, Brad darling, it's no good here. He'll destroy us.
Brad: Don't worry Janet, we'll be away from here in the morning.
Frank (Janet): Oh, Brad you're so strong and protective.
["Don't touch her hair!" or "Don't fuck with the hair"]
Brad: Ah, ah, ah, oh YOU!
Frank: I'm afraid so, Brad, but isn't it nice...
["It isn't Weiss either!"]
Brad: Why YOU! what have you done with Janet?
["Fucked the shit out of her"]
Frank: Nothing. Why? Do you think I should?
Brad: You tricked me, I wouldn't have...never...never...never...
["That's not what you told the cub scouts"]
Frank: Oh Yes yes, I know...but it isn't all bad, is it? Not even half
bad, I think you really quite enjoyed it.
(Brad starts moaning)
Frank: Oh... so soft...
Brad: Stop it...stop it...oh Janet...JANET!
["Janet's never been down there!"]
Frank: Shhh! Janet's probably asleep by now, do you want her to see you...
like...this.
Brad: Like this, like how? It's your fault, you're to blame,
["I thought Sue was to blame."] I thought
it was the real thing! ["It is! Only bigger!"]
Frank: Oh come on, Brad, admit it, you liked it, didn't you? It isn't
a crime to give yourself over to pleasure, Brad.
["It is in North Carolina!" response "But we don't give a fuck!"]
We've wasted so much time already. Janet needn't know, I won't tell.
Brad: Well, promise you won't tell...
Frank: On my mother's gra.oouuuuuu....
(BEEPBEEPBEEP...)
Riff Raff: Master, ["bater"] Rocky has broken his chains and vanished.
["POOF!"] Your new playmate is loose and somewhere on the grounds...
Magenta has just released ["Her sisters"] the dogs...
["And she's leading the pack!"]
Frank: mmmm? coming! ["So's Brad!"]
Janet: Oh, Brad. ["oh shit"] Brad, my darling, ["Janet you slut"]
how could I have done this to you? Oh!
["It was easy, but it would've been easier without the panty hose,
that's okay, there's a hole in the toe... drip, drip, drip"]
If only we hadn't made this journey... ["But you did!"]
if only the hadn't broken down... ["but it did!"]
if only we were amongst friends ["But you aren't!"] Or sane persons,
Oh Brad ["oh shit"]
Oh Brad ["Get tough bitch!"] what have they done with him...
(she sees him on TV with Frank)
Oh, Brad, Oh Brad-How could you?(she fondles the handle)
["What's that she's holding? It's the shape of things to come.
Why's she crying? She can't jump that high.
She needs the book "69 ways to love your lever" by Dick Hurtz"]
(Rocky emits moans and general cries of pain)
["Leave him alone, he's monster bating"]
(Rocky gets up) ["Who said sex wasn't dirty" response "It is with
chinchillas!!!"]
Janet: Oh, but you are hurt...Did they do this to you? ["No, I did it to
myself"] I'll dress your wounds... ["He's got more hurt than
you've got skirt!"] baby there...let me make it all better.
["Hey, Janet. Make me a three piece suit and use your bra for my ass
cheeks!!"]
["Hey Janet! Look both ways and smile if you're gonna get fucked twice in the
same movie!!"]
Narrator: Emotion, agitation or disturbance of the mind...Vehement or excited
mental state. It is also a powerful and irrational master...and from
what Magenta and Columbia eagerly viewed on their television monitor
there seemed little doubt that Janet was, indeed, ... its
slave.[ECHO: "A SLUT!"]
["Now look up 'Masturbation: the act of coming unscrewed!"]
Magenta and Columbia: [echo] Tell us about it, Janet.
TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH ME
Janet: I was feeling done in,["and out and in"]
couldn't win ["like the..." insert name of losing sports team]
I'd only ever kissed before.
Columbia: You mean she...["a slut!"]
Magenta: Uh huh
Janet: I thought there's no use getting ["laid"]
Into heavy petting
It only leads to trouble
And seat wetting.
[stand up, look at your seat, "oh shit, my seat's wet."]
Now all I want to know is how to go.
I've tasted blood and I want more.
Magenta and Columbia: [echo] More, more, more
Janet: I'll put up no resistance
I want to go the distance
I've got an itch to scratch
I need assistance.
[on 'toucha toucha' etc., run and attempt to touch Janet (on the screen)]
Toucha toucha toucha touch me
I want to be dirty
Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me
Creature of the night.
[when Rocky goes between Janet's legs: "This looks like a good place for
a stick up."]
Then if anything grows,["fuck it!"] while you pose,
I'll oil you up and rub you down.
Magenta and Columbia: ["up"] Down, ["up"] down, ["up"] down. ["up"]
Janet: And that's just one small fraction of the main attraction
You need a friendly hand and I need action.
Columbia: Toucha toucha toucha touch me
Magenta: I want to be dirty.
Columbia: Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me,
Magenta: Creature of the night.
Janet: Toucha toucha toucha touch me I want to be dirty
Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me, creature of the night.
["get uglier" repeat, after each character sings his line]
Rocky: Creature of the night
Brad: Creature of the night?
Frank: Creature of the night.
Magenta: Creature of the night.
Riff Raff: Creature of the night.
Columbia: Creature of the night.
Rocky: Creature of the night.
Janet: Creature of the night.
(scene change, Riff being whipped)
["Thank you master, may I have another", after each crack]
Riff Raff: Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! ["Say thank you! ...say it in French!"]
Merrrrrcy! (being whipped by Frank)
Frank: How did it happen? I understood you were to be watching...
Riff Raff: I was only away for a minute ["doing what?"]...master ["bating"]
["Frank, Show us your backhand" (shows it) "Needs work!"]
Frank: Well, see if you can find him on the monitor.
Riff Raff: Master,["bater"] master ["bater"]...we have a visitor.
Brad: Hey, Scotty! ["Beam me up, there's no intelligent life in this
theatre!"] Dr. Everett Scott.
Riff Raff: You know this earthling ["You fucked up!"] ...this person?
Brad: Why yes. He happens to be an old friend of mine.
["What's your favorite fruit drink?"]
Frank: I see. So this wasn't simply a chance meeting. You came here
with a purpose. ["It was a dolphin!"]
Brad: I told you, my car broke down. I was telling the truth.
["assholes don't lie, ask one!"]
Frank: I know what you told me...but this Dr. Everett Scott, his name
is not unknown to me.
["he read it on the bathroom wall!"]
Brad: He was a science teacher at Denton High School.
Frank: And now he works for your government,["nobody works for my
government!"] doesn't he, Brad? he's
attached to the bureau of investigation of that which you call
UFO's
Isn't that right, Brad?
Brad: He might be...I don't know.
Riff Raff: The intruder is entering the building, master. ["bater"]
Frank: He'll probably be...entering the Zen room. Shall we inquire
of him in person? ["Not the triple-contact electro faggot magnet!
half the audience would be attracted to the screen"]
[sing "Ring around the lesbians"]
(pause)
Brad: Great Scott! [throw TOILET PAPER]
Dr. Scott: Frankenfurter, we meet at last. ["No, we meet at first."]
Brad: Dr. Scott! ["Put 'er there!"]
Dr. Scott: Brad! What are you doing here? ["Oh, just fucking around"]
Frank: Don't play games, Dr. Scott.["hopscotch"] You know perfectly
well what Brad Majors is doing here. ["Getting good head!"]
It was part of your plan, was it not?
That he and his female should check the layout for you.
["Check in, get laid, check out. Motel 6 we'll leave the light on
for you and change the sheets, and clean the mirror on the
ceiling."] well,
unfortunately for you, all your plans are to be changed.
["Frank on top, Dr. Scott on bottom and Brad in the middle, a
sandwich is a sandwich, but a Bradwich is a meal!"] You must
be adaptable, Dr. Scott; I know Brad is.
["You promissed you wouldn't tell"]
Dr. Scott: I can assure you that Brad's presence here comes as a complete
surprise to me. I came here to find Eddie.
Brad: Eddie! I've seen him!
Frank: Eddie! What do you know of Eddie, Dr. Scott?
["Get snotty Scotty!"]
Dr. Scott: I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things. You see
Eddie happens to be my ["dinner"] nephew. ["same thing"]
(Frank gasps)
Brad: Dr. Scott. ["Mouseketeer roll call sound off now!"]
Janet: Ah!
[echo all following lines]
Dr. Scott: Janet!
Janet: Dr. Scott!
Brad: Janet!
Janet: Brad!
Frank: Rocky! ["Bullwinkle!"]
(Rocky says nothing, not even a grunt)
Dr. Scott: Janet!
Janet: Dr. Scott!
Brad: Janet!
Janet: Brad!
Frank: Rocky! ["Bullwinkle!"]
(Rocky says nothing, not even a grunt)
Dr. Scott: Janet!
Janet: Dr. Scott!
Brad: Janet!
Janet: Brad!
Frank: Rocky! ["Bullwinkle!"]
(Rocky says nothing, not even a grunt)
[if the theatre did it in unison, clap and cheer]
Frank: Listen...I made you...and I can break you just as easily.
(to Rocky)
["say something southern!"]
Magenta: (GONG) Master, dinner is prepared! ["and WE helped! (hay-ulped)"]
["What do you think of oral sex?"]
Frank: Excellent. Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be optional.
["Toga Toga Toga"]
Narrator: Food has always played a vital role in Life's rituals.
The breaking of the bread, the last meal of the condemned man,
and then this meal. However informal it might appear, you can
be sure that there was to be little, bonhommie.
["Bone of who?"]
(Dinner is served, the clatter of dishes is heard)
[as Riff rolls out the dinner: "Is it hot?"]
(Riff opens the lid) ["It's hot, but does it bounce, it bounces!"]
(The dinner is shown) ["What?!? Meat Loaf?!? Again!"]
(Frank slices it with the slicer)
["It slices, it dices, it circumcises, it's the Black and Decker
pecker wrecker."]
(Riff and Magenta pour the wine)
[as they get to Dr Scott: "What kind of wine is it?"]
[as it spills: "Must be table wine"]
[as Riff "deals" the meat: "Hey Riff (Raff) deal me a slice"]
["Hey Rocky, eat like a UNC Student"after he picks up the fork
"Now eat like an educated UNC Student, No such animal"]
Frank: A toast [throw TOAST] ["To cannibalism!"] ...to absent friends...
["and cannibalism"]
All: [echo] To absent friends. ["And cannibalism. They always fucking
forget cannibalism!"]
Frank: and to Rocky.
["Hey, this time finish the song, last week you stopped in
the middle."]
(singing w/ Janet, et al)
Happy Birthday to you ["Whew!"]
Happy Birthday to you ["Whew!"]
Happy Birthday dear Rocky... (stops, Janet finishing last)
["Dammit! I'll never learn the end of that song!"]
Shall we?
Dr. Scott: We came here to discuss Eddie.
Columbia: Eddie. (Frank threatens her with the slicer)
["Shut up bitch, you wanna be breakfast?"]
Frank: That's a rather tender subject. Another slice anyone?
["Brad knows, Janet knows, Dr Scott knows, Rocky knows but doesn't
give a shit!"]
Columbia: Excuse me (Scream on exit)
["What's the matter Columbia, you've eaten Eddie before?",
as Frank pours the ketchup: "Yeah, but never with ketchup!"]
or, if you prefer...
["What's the matter? You ate him before - you can eat him again!"
"Yeah, but she didn't swallow last!"]
Dr. Scott: I knew he was in with a bad crowd, but it was worse than I
imagined...Aliens! ["Who the fuck are YOU talking to?", answer
"Who the fuck are WE talking to?"]
Rocky: Ugh?
Brad: Doctor Scott! ["Janet Brad Rocky Bullwinkle!"]
Frank: Go on, Dr. Scott. Or should I say Dr. Von Scott.
[stand up and put out your arm to say "Seig heil!"]
Brad: Just what exactly are you implying?
Dr. Scott: It's all right!
Brad: Doctor Scott!
Scott: It's all right, Brad.
["How long was he gay?"]
EDDIE'S TEDDY
From the day he was born ["Not the night, but the day"]
He was trouble. ["Not Monopoly but Trouble"]
He was the thorn ["not the rose but the thorn"]
In his mother's side. [echo "ass"... "Not the Ass, but the side"]
She tried in vain [ECHO: "cocaine"]
["In the artery and the vein"]
Narrator: ...but he never caused her nothing
but shame. ["Shame shame shame shame" with finger motion]
Scott: He left home the day she died.
["It's Rocking Scott!"]
From the day she was gone ["SheBop shebop Scott"]
All he wanted ["The Doctor Scott Rock"]
Was Rock 'n' Roll porn ["Shebop shebop Scott!"]
And a motorbike. ["oooo weee eeee oooo"]
Shooting up junk...
["Hey Chucky, what was he?"]
Narrator: He was a low down cheap little punk!
["Yay Punks!" stand if you like]
Scott: Taking everyone for a ride.
["I wanna go for a ride!"]
All: When Eddie said he didn't like his Teddy
You knew he was a no-good kid. [clap clap]
But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife
Frank: What a guy! [echo "What a fag"]
Janet: Makes you cry. [echo "Makes you gag"]
Scott: Und I did. [echo "on his dick"]
[clap like you have a set of maracas]
Columbia: Everybody shoved him.
I very nearly loved him.
I said, hey, listen to me;
Stay sane inside insanity!
But he locked the door and threw away the key.
Scott: But he must have been drawn ["To Dr. Scott's rocks"]
Into something, ["Like Dr. Scott's rocks?"]
Making him warn ["Who?"]
Me in a note that reads...
All: [echo] What's it say? What's it say?
Eddie's voice: I'm out of my hed. ["Spelled H - E - D"]
Oh, hurry, or I may be dead. ["Spelled right!"]
They mustn't carry out their evil deeds. ["Scream!"] (scream)
All: When Eddie said he didn't like his Teddy
You knew he was a no-good kid. [clap clap]
But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife
Frank: What a guy! [echo "What a fag"]
Janet: Makes you cry. [echo "Makes you gag"]
Scott: Und I did. [echo "on his dick"]
All: When Eddie said he didn't like his Teddy
You knew he was a no-good kid. [clap clap]
But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife
[echo "Ball point pen" over "switch-blade knife"]
Frank: What a guy! ["What the fuck is a guy-uuy-uyy?"]
Janet: Makes you cry. ["What does Fat Albert say?"]
Others: Hey, hey, hey.
Scott: Und I did. ["What the fuck is an unt?"]
["It's a cunt without the 'C'"]
["I fucking hate celery!"]
(All scream)
Frank: Rocky! ["You fucking heterosexual!"] How could you? (slaps Janet)
(general mayhem as Frank chases Janet. Riff and Magenta laugh, until
Riff suddenly says "Shut up!" [which the audience echoes])
WISE UP
I'll tell you once; I won't tell you twice. [hiss on every "ice"]
You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss.
Your apple pie don't taste so nice.
You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss.
I've laid the seed; it should be all you need.
You're as sensual as a pencil, wound up like an E or first string.
When we made it, didja hear a bell ring? [ring BELL]
Ya gotta block? Well, take my advice.
You better wise up, Janet Weiss.
The transducer will seduce ya.
Janet: My feet! I can't move my feet!
Scott: My wheels! My God, I can't move my wheels!
Brad: It's as if we're glued to the spot!
[echo "My socks! I can't move my socks!"]
Frank: You are! So quake with fear, you tiny fools!
Janet: We're trapped!
["Describe anal sex"]
Frank: (sung) It's something you'll get used to. A mental mind fuck
can be nice.
Scott: You won't find Earth people quite the easy mark you imagine.
This sonic transducer. it is, I suppose, some kind of audio-vibrato-
physio-molecular transport device?
Brad: [echo] You mean... ["A vibrator!"]
Scott: Yes, Brad, it's something we ourselves have been working on
for quite some time. But it seems our friend here has found
a means of perfecting it. ["A perfect vibrator"]
A device capable of breaking down solid matter an
then projecting it through space and, who knows,
perhaps even time itself. ["A COSMIC vibrator!"]
Janet: You mean he's going to send us to another planet?
Frank: [echo] Planet, shmanet, Janet!
You better wise up, Janet Weiss.
You better wise up, build your thighs up,
You better wise up
Narrator: [echo] And then she cried out...
Janet: Stop! [echo "More!"]
Frank: Don't get hot and flustered! ["What do you use when you're out of
Vaseline?"]
Use a bit of mustard.
Brad: You're a hot dog, but you better not try to hurt her, Frank Furter.
(Freeze - Brad)
Scott: You're a hot dog, but you better not try to hurt her, Frank Furter.
(Freeze - Scott)
Janet: You're a hot dog --
(Freeze - Janet)
["Who's Tim Curry?"]
Columbia: My God! I can't stand any more of this!["Then sit down!"]
First you spurn me for Eddie, and then you throw him off like
an old overcoat for Rocky! You chew people up and then you
spit them out again. ["What do you expect, he's bulemic"]
I loved you..["WHAT?"] did you hear me! I loved you!
And what did it get me? Yeah, I'll tell you: a big nothing.
You're like a sponge. You take, take, take, and
drain others of their love and emotion. ["Peek a boo!"]
Yeah, well, I've had enough. You're gonna choose between me
and Rocky, so named because of the
rocks in his head. ["Holy Moley, what a bitch, quick Magenta,
throw the switch!"] (freeze) ["Lefty Hefty, rightie tidy, you know
which side Eddie slept on"]
Frank: It's not easy having a good time...
["Try Heratige USA"](freeze Rocky)
["Great party, everybody got stoned. But don't take your friends
for granted."]
...even smiling makes my face ache
["comes from biting your knuckles!"]
...and my children turn on me
...Rocky's behaving just the way Eddie did
Do you think I made a mistake, splitting his brain
between the two of them?
Magenta: Ahhhh! I grow veary of this vorld! Vhen shall ve return
to Transylvania, huh?
["As soon as ve catch ze moose and squirrel Natasha"]
[as Riff turns Magenta towords him: "Going, going,..."]
Frank: Magenta, I am indeed grateful to both you and your brother
Riff Raff. You have both served me well. Loyalty such as yours
shall not go unrewarded. You will discover that when the mood
takes me, I can be quite generous.
["She's gone!"]
["How much do you charge for a blow job?"]
Magenta: I ask for nothing...master.
Frank: And you shall receive it ["How do you come?"]...in abundance!
["Fee Fi Fo Fum, first I jack off, then I..."]
Come, we are ready for the floor show!
Narrator: And so, by some extraordinary co-incidence, fate, it seemed,
had decided that Brad and Janet should keep that appointment
with their friend, Dr. Everett Scott. But it was to be in a
situation which none of them would have possibly forseen.
And, just a few hours after announcing their engagement,
Brad and Janet had both tasted ["Frank's come"]
...forbidden fruit. ["Same thing!"] This in itself was proof
that their host was a man of of little morals ["Yay little morals"]
...and some persuasion. ["Yay, persuasion"] What
further indignities were they to be subjected to?
And what of the floor show that is spoken of? ["What of the floor
show? Where do you masterbate?"] In an empty house? ["When do you
masterbate?"] In the middle of the night? ["rates are cheaper"]
What diabolical plan had seized Frank's crazed imagination?
["the same one that seized your fucking neck!"] What indeed?
From what had gone before, it was clear that this was to be
["A picnic?"] no picnic. ["Aw shit!I brought the ants"]
A. FLOOR SHOW part I
ROSE TINT MY WORLD
(Frank is running around making preparations while the others are
frozen on the stage.) ["Ladies. This is what happens when you don't
swallow!"]
["For one night and one night only... The Stones!"]
["Hey Columbia, describe this movie!"]
(unfreeze Columbia)
Columbia: It was great when it all began.
I was a regular Frankie fan.
But it was over when he had the plan ["to shave my eyebrows"]
To start a-working on a muscle man. ["and shave my eyebrows."
Now the only thing that gives me hope ["Is smoking dope"]
Is my love of a certain dope. ["and growing eyebrows"]
Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.
(Unfreeze - Rocky)
["How old are you?"]
Rocky: I'm just seven hours old, ["And can't sing"]
And truly beautiful to behold.
And somebody should be told ["I can't dance either"]
My libido hasn't been controlled.
Now the only thing I've come to trust ["Is Janet's bust"]
Is an orgasmic rush of lust. ["anal floss"]
Rose tints my world and keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.
(Unfreeze - Brad)
["HEy, Brad, How big is my dick?"]
Brad: It's beyond me; help me Mommy!
I'll be good; you'll see.
Take this dream away.
What's this? ["the floor"] Let's see, ["it's still the floor"]
I feel sexy!
What's come over me? ["Frank"]
Wo! Here it comes again.
(unfreeze - Janet)
Janet: I feel released; bad times decrease.
My confidence has increased; reality is here.
The game has been disbanded; my mind has been expanded.
It's a gas that Frankie's landed!
His lust is so sincere.
FLOOR SHOW part II
(Fanfare and RKO logo appears)
["What the fuck is a radio picture?"]
[answer: "It's a picture of radio"]
DON'T DREAM IT
Frank: Whatever happened to Fay Wray? ["She went ape-shit!" or
"She got fucked by a forty foot ape"]
That delicate, satin-draped frame?
As it clung to her thigh ["What? the ape-shit?"]
How I started to cry ["I'd cry too if I was fucked by a forty foot ape"]
'cause I wanted to be dressed just the same. ["But you are!"]
Give yourself over to absolute pleasure.
Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh.
Erotic nightmares, ["how big is your dick?"] beyond any measure
And sensual daydreams to treasure ["how long can you keep it up?"]
forever.
Can't you just see it? Oh, oh, oh.
[if you're up to it, have an orgy in the aisles]
Don't dream it, be it. (four times)
All: Don't dream it, be it. (twelve times)
["Use the force!"]
(Unfreeze - Scott. In on sixth time)
Scott: Ach! ["choo!"] We've got to get ["the fuck"] out of this trap
before this decadence ["Yay decadence!"] saps our wills.
I've got to be strong, and try to ["maintain a hard-on"]
hang on, or else my mind may well [snap] snap and my life
will be lived ["as a soprano transvegetable"] ...for the thrills!
Brad: It's beyond me; help me Mommy! ["Columbia, shut him up!"]
Janet: God bless Lilly St. Cyr.
FLOOR SHOW part III
WILD AND UNTAMED THING
["Hey Frank, who's pool is this??"]
Frank: My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my...my!
I'm a wild and an untamed thing.
I'm a bee with a deadly sting.
You get a hit and your mind goes ping.
Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.
So let the party and the sounds rock on.
We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone.
Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.
["One two three four"]
All: We're a wild and an untamed thing.
We're bees with a deadly sting.
You get a hit and your mind goes ping.
Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.
So let the party and the sounds rock on.
We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone.
Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.
["Oh shit! Mom and dad are home!"]
Riff Raff: Frank N Furter, it's all over.
Your mission is a failure;
Your lifestyle's too extreme.
I'm your new commander;
You now are my prisoner.
We return to Transylvania.
Prepare the transit beam.
["Hey Magenta, sit on my face and I'll guess your..."]
Frank: Wait! ["Can you explain?"] I can explain!
["It better good. You died last week"]
I'M GOING HOME
["And now, for one night, and one night only,Judy Garland with
Alfalfa's shadow singing "I'm Going Homo""]
Frank: On the day I went away...
All: Goodbye...
Frank: Was all I had to say...
All: Now I...
Frank: I want to come again, ["so's Brad"] and stay.["hard"]
All: Oh, my, my...
["what do you do when you get a good blow job?"]
Frank: Smile, and that will mean I may.
'cause I've seen, oh, blue skies
Through the tears in my eyes
And I realize, I'm going home.
All: I'm going home.
(Magenta yawns)
["Where do you masterbate (fuck)?"]
Frank: Everywhere ["How's it been?"] it's been the same...
All: ...feeling...
["What's it like when Brad cums in your face?"]
Frank: ...like I'm outside in the rain...
All: ...wheeling...
["How much do you charge for a fuck?"]
Frank: ...free ["I'll take two to go please"] to try and find a game...
All: ...dealing...
[When you see the Betty Ford look alikes...
"It's Betty Ford! It's Orville Reddenbacher! He just popped in!
Look, it's Betty Ford again, it's a Betty Ford clinic"]
Frank: ...cards for sorrow, cards for pain. [throw CARDS]
'cause I've seen, oh, blue skies
Through the tears in my eyes
And I realize, I'm going home.
Frank & All: I'm going home. (3 times)
["It's the NBC Peacock"]
(applause, then audience dissapears)
["You blew it!, Look it's a New Kids concert!"]
Magenta: How sentimental. ["Sentimental bitch!"]
Riff Raff: And also presumptuous of you. ["Presumptuous bastard!"]
["F"] You see, ["K"] when I said WE were
to return to Transylvania, I referred only to Magenta
["What the fuck's a Magenter!"] and myself.
I'm sorry, however, if you found my words misleading, but you see,
you are to remain here, in spirit, anyway.
Scott: Great heavens! That's a laser!
Riff Raff: Yes, Dr. Scott. A laser capable of emitting a beam of pure
anti-matter. ["Does that mean it doesn't matter?"]
Brad: You mean...you're going to kill him? What's his crime?
Scott: You saw what became of Eddie. Society must be protected.
["Fuck society!"]
Riff Raff: Exactly, Dr. Scott. And now, Frank N Furter, your time has
come. Say goodbye to all of this, ["Goodbye, all of this"]
and hello ["Hello"] to oblivion.
["Hello, oblivion. How's the wife and kids?"]
["First one to scream gets it in the tits!"]
(Columbia screams - gets zapped)
["Oh shit, it works!"]
(Frank tries to escape by climbing the curtain)
(Frank screams - gets zapped, falls)
["Curtain, thank you. Rope please! Thank you!"]
(Rocky moans over Frank's body - gets zap, zap, zap, zapped
as he climbs the RKO set - falls to his death into the pool)
Janet: Oh! You killed them!
Magenta: But I thought you liked them. They liked you.
["Get paranoid!"]
Riff Raff: They didn't like me! ["Get real paraniod"] He never liked ME!
Scott: You did right.
Riff Raff: A decision had to be made. ["and I made it"]
Scott: You're O.K. by me. ["Nanoo Nanoo, Shazscott!"]
Riff Raff: Dr. Scott, I'm sorry about your ["dinner"] nephew.
Scott: Eddie? ["No, Penelope!"]
Yes, well, perhaps it was all for the best, heh, heh, heh.
Riff: You should leave now, Dr. Scott, while it is still possible.
We are about to beam the entire house to the planet Transexual,
in the galaxy of Transylvania. Go... Now.
[sing "Roll out the cripple, and we'll have a wheelchair of fun"]
Our mission is completed, my most ["ugly Qtip"] beautiful sister,
["If that's the beautiful one, I'd hate to see the ugly one!"]
and soon we shall return to {the moon-drenched shores of our
beloved planet}.
Magenta: Sweet Transexual. Land of night. ["and high electric bills"] To sing
and dance once more to your dark refrain. ["is it better to giv e a
blow job or to take one?"]...to take that... step to the right.
Riff-Raff: But it's the pelvic thrust
["Flashback with sound please!"]
(cut of Time Warp with Transylvanians singing "that really drives you
insane")
Magenta: On our world... Ve'll do the Time Varp again!
(castle blasts off)
} SUPER HEROES
}
}Brad: I've done a lot; God knows I've tried
} To find the truth. I've even lied.
} But all I know is down inside
}
}All: I'm bleeding...
}
}Janet: And super heroes come to the feast
} To taste the flesh not yet deceased.
} And all I know is still the beast
}
}All: Is feeding...)
} Ahh, ahh... (etc.)
}
} ["Hey Brad, can you do the Backstroke? What about the Australian crawl?"]
["Stop the world, I want to get off!"]
Narrator: And crawling ["where?"] on the planet's face
Some insects ["what're they called?"] called the human race...
["Where's your fucking neck?"] Lost in time
["What's your favorite TV show?"] And lost in space
["what does this movie lack?"]
And meaning.
["Don't forget to turn off the globe"]
All: Meaning. ["You forgot to turn off the globe"]
} (SCIENCE FICTION/DOUBLE FEATURE - REPRISE)
}
}
}Usherette: Science Fiction
} Double Feature.
} Frank has built and
} Lost his creature.
} Darkness has conquered
} Brad and Janet.
} The servants gone to
} A distant planet.
} Wo, oh, oh, oh.
} At the late night, double feature,
} Picture show.
} I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
} To the late night, double feature,
} Picture show.
FIN