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Subject: Real Programmers
Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming
is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-trained.
They wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise
clear desk.
Real Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make schedules.
Managers firm up schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet
schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules.
Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine
sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they
don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.
Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write,
it should be hard to understand.
Real programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't read
the listings or object deck.
Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Cavemen drew flowcharts and look
how much good it did them.
Real programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real programmers don't know how
to spell quiche. They eat twinkles and szechuan food.
Real programmers don't play tennis or any other sport that requires you
to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear
their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up
in the middle of the machine room.
Real programmers don't write application programs. They program right down
to the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who can't do
system programming.
Real programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can be
written on one line.
Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in
BASIC, after the age of 12.
Real programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications
programmers.
Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe-stress freaks
and crystallography weenies.
Real programmers don't write in LISP. Only faggot programs contain more
parenthesis than actual code.
Real programmers don't write in PASCAL or BLISS or ADA, or any of those
pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with
weak memories.
Real programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for programmers who can't
decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
Real programmers don't write in "C". There has to be something wrong
with a language who's next generation gets a low grade then its prior.
Real programmers write in the machine's native binary code, ASM macros are
those who can't divide HEX numbers in their head.
Real programmers don't write specs - users should consider themselves lucky
to get any programs at all and take what they get.
Real programmers like vending-machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the
microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat from the CPU. They can
tell which jobs are running from the rate of popping.
Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at
9am, it's because they were up all night.
Real programmers scorn floating-point arithmetic. The decimal point was
invented for pansy bed wetters who are unable to think big.
Real programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw
them on the machine, they can be patched into working in `only a few'
30-hour debugging sessions.
.....Cheers,
Programmer Defined: Programmer n. 1. One who claims or appears to be engaged
in the perpetration of programs. 2. The systems analyst's diplomatic attache
at the alien court of the CPU. 3. One engaged in a practical, nonsystematic
study of the halting problem. 4. "A harmless druge."-Lord Bowden, 1953.
That ought to clear things up.....