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Real Pirates -- Volume 4
Real Pirates are at least 15 years old. (old, isn't it? but it remains
true)
Real Pirates can, if they have to.
Real Pirates don't really care what kind of modem they use, because just
about any kind will work.
Real Pirates recognize AE 4.3 Prodos as the real useless piece of shit that
it is.
corollary: Real Pirates use AE 4.2 exclusively. If they don't have 4.2,
they improvise.
corollary to the corollary: Real Pirates know enough 6502 programming to
improvise.
Real Pirates play some instrument that can be used in a rock band,
preferably stringed. (guitar, bass, etc.)
Real Pirates wear shirts that say: "Frankie says....shut up Madonna" on
them.
Real Pirates just don't give a damn.
Real Pirates who run systems of their own don't force uploads because
they know that there are enough other real pirates around that they will event
Real Pirates have Universe side 3 and have had it for a long time.
corollary: Real Pirates think in 80 columns. (Real Pirates with Ultraterms,
though, think in 160 columns.
corollary to the corollary: Real Pirates dream in hi-res.
Real Pirates who have Apple //es have never used 280 X 192 graphics on
their machine, only 560 X 192.
Real Pirates have a ramdrive.
Real Pirates who run systems don't backspace over their names 50 times
in the welcome message because they know that the only reason people read
welcome messages is to find out where the damn drives are.
Real Pirates have a girlfriend.
Real Pirates don't even think about calling the ANALOG lines any more
because there aren't any wares on them, only sext (sex-text) files.
corollary: Real Pirates don't need to get their thrills from a textfile.
corollary to the corollary: Real Pirates don't give a shit who "sheryl"
is.
Real Pirates don't whine about other people having funny names.
corollary: Real Pirates call themselves whatever the hell they feel
like because they know that what they call themselves doesn't diminish their
abilities any.
Real Pirates don't brag about their cracking abilities. If they crack
something, they put their name in ONE title page and start passing it around.
Real Pirates who get wares that have 10,000 useless title pages "CALL THESE
RAD AE LINES! CRACKED BY MR. MAXIMUM! FAG OF THE YEAR...." and so on, know
how to get around them.
Real Pirates upload.
corollary: Real Pirates upload FIRST.
If a system has online lists of what the sysop has and is looking for, Real
Pirates read them so they don't upload something he already has.
Real Pirates who run AE lines do so 24 hours a day.
Real Pirates have 1200 baud.
corollary: Real Pirates have 1200 baud only because they haven't bought
a 2400 baud modem yet.
Real Pirates know that it is only a matter of time before MCI and the
others clean up their long-distance lines enough to allow 2400 baud
transfers.
Real Pirates are not selfish with their phreak codes, just like with
their wares.
Real Pirates do not conclude every conversation with "Later", "Later on",
"Later daze", or anything of the like.
Although they know how to spell and have impeccable grammar, Real Pirates
don't start bitching when someone else does it wrong. They just write them off
mentally as being a hopeless fuck-up.
Real pirates have a larger vocabulary than just "what's your
newest?".
Real Pirates who are sysops do not have idiotic validation procedures that
take days or weeks. They know that when people call, they want wares, so
they give them immediate access to the AE part of the system.
corollary: Real Pirates know that Textfiles are NOT the main reason to
call systems.
Real Pirates who live in non-Communist zones read Joe Bob
Briggs.
Real Pirates read science fiction.
corollary: Real Pirates do not refer to science fiction as "sci-fi" because
they know it's derogatory.
Real Pirates read Real science fiction by hardcore authors like Isaac
Asimov, Larry Niven, and David Gerrold, and couldn't care less about
the fucking Xanth series.
Well that's it for now. But since the Real Pirate breed is quickly
becoming contaminated and inbred, keep watch for more of these guides to set
the record straight. Call your favorite system today and upload any
ware the sysop needs, it'll be doing him a much-appreciated favor. Finally:
Real Pirates aren't perfect. If you think you met every qualification in
this guide, you're just a stuck-up conceited excuse for an asshole and
should see a doctor to get your ego fixed.
corollary: Real Pirates are Good Enough.
The Real Pirate's Guide, Volume 2
There are lotsa pirates, unfortunately, a vast majority of them
are morons. For this reason, these "guides" have been assembled to aid in
the growth and maturity of the younger pirate generation.Which brings
us to the golden rule of pirating: "REAL PIRATES ARE OVER 15 YEARS OF
AGE"(exceptions are few, like if one was a beta-tester for Broderbund, we
could let that slide).
Real Pirates have long-since deleted Caverns of Freitag," "Mr. Cool,"
"Trompers," "Jenny of the Prairie," and still couldn't give a sack of dog
dicks about anything from Avalon Hill, SSI, and especially Scott Adams(AI).
Corollary: Real Pirates would jump at the chance to "help" Adventure
International go Chapter 11.
Real Pirates pirates aren't just "learning assembly." Or even worse,
"machine language."
Real Pirates know that Lord British is not the Monarch of any European empire.
Real Pirates know that "Road Pizza" was either a very good joke, or a very
bad game.
When posting a message, Real Pirates can differentiate between: 'z' and 's',
'ph' and 'f', '2' and 'two', 'u' and 'you', '0' and 'O', '4' and 'for', and
'x' and 'ks'.
Corollary to the corollary: Real Pirates aren't constantly searching for
new ways to spell "WARES".
Real Pirates use lower case.
Real Pirates don't use text graphics.
Real Pirates don't post "I have" messages, when they really don't have.
Real Pirates aren't too impressed with "spinny" cursors, and turn them off
upon logging onto such boards.
Real Pirates don't try to impress others with their superior ability to
add many carriage returns at the end of a message, thus preventing anyone
from reading the last few lines.
Real Pirates, when trading with another Real Pirate, are not concerned
with matching everything the other pirate sends them. Real Pirates are
happy to send wares to other Real Pirates simply because they are in the
same business. (ie. no, "I send you 3 sides, you send me 3 sides")
Real Pirates don't wait for BBS' to print out their "goodbye" message, they
hang-up.
Real Pirates always have a copy of Diskcomm 3.2 handy
Real Pirates don't end their messages with, "leave e-mail to [xxx xxx]," or
anything of the sort.
Corollary: Real Pirates don't respond to such messages, and in no way use
them as a means to get "new wares."
Real Pirates aren't found to frequent the local "Bitch Board".
Real Pirates don't make threats of violence against others through the
phone lines. After all, how is someone living in Acron, Ohio going to
"beat the living shit out of" someone living in Waco, Texas? Not through Zap
Mail, that's for sure.
Real Pirates know that the disclaimers often stuck in by BBS sysops do little
more then waste 20-40 bytes of RAM.
Real Pirates don't post messages telling us what is "old", so they can
fill some space, thus making it look like they actually had a reason to post
something relavent.
Real Pirates don't think it's keen to be able to put '/S' on a line by
itself, and have it included in the message.
Real Pirates have a "sixth sense" that tells them which board to post a
certain message on (ie. no "new wares" messages on the "Famous People Which I
Have Met" board).
Real Pirates can spot a Net-Works BBS miles away.
Real Pirates names aren't parodies of other respectable pirates (ie. The Male
Nurse of Magenta Bag, Franklin Bandit, 5 1/4" Jockey, etc.).
Real Pirates names have no association to any type of music whatsoever (ie.
Green Manalishi, The \ Scorpion,etc.).
Never is the prefix "Krack", or "Crack" found in a Real Pirates name
unless they actually can crack, and don't just have one.
Real Pirates aren't named: The Ace, The Zapman, Lord Fagan, Captain Bly,
Pac-Rat, The Wrench,The Lumberjack, Mr. Party, The Fly,Happy Hacker, or
Der Fuhrer.
When talking with a Real Pirate on the phone, you can be assured of not
hearing Culture Club or the Pointer Sisters being played stridently in the
background.
Real Pirates weren't dissapointed when "Fantasy Island" was cancelled, and
didn't worry whether or not the Cuban midget would ever get another job.
Real Pirates would like to see a final episode of "The Love Boat", where Vicky
absent-mindidly throws a lighted joint next to a propane tank, causing the
ship to go up in a terrific display of fire and smoke, whilst seeing the heads
and bodyparts of "your crew" scattered about the water.
Real Pirates watch "Late Night with David Lettermen."
Real Pirates just don't give a damn!
Well, that's it. For now. If you were at all offended by anything in
this article, that's your que to retire from pirating, because after
all, Real Pirates aren't offended by things contained in text files.
Real Preates Guide - Vol III
The following is a list of what pirate is or isn't. In many cases,
you will find similar experiences in your own pirate life.
Real pirates realize that piracy is not a crime; it is the only
solution. Real pirates do not get paranoid of Sierra On-line's copy
violation warning: $50,000 fine and/or imprisonment.
Real pirates don't worship hires pictures. Real pirates can't afford
Hayes modem because they know it's not worth the money. Real pirates never
made the mistake of buying a Hayes modem. Real pirates don't try to use
Disk-fer with their Hayes modem. Real pirates don't pick 'answer' mode in
Disk-fer simply because they know they they will get their disk first.
Real pirates can send without recieving. (Give without taking.)
Real pirates don't get I/O errors on half their disks. Real pirates don't
use generic disks. Real pirates don't use their apples for testing plant
growth and temperatures. Real pirates don't replace their fish tank with
"Fishies."
Real pirates know what they have in their library. Real pirates don't
delete something for everything they get. Real pirates don't buy software
so they can be the first to crack it.
Real pirates don't waste their money on software because they know
it's not worth it. Real pirates know that Pole Position for the Apple will
never come out. Real pirates don't make prank phone calls. Real pirates
don't advertise their bbs/ae/catsend lines without keeping them up. Real
pirates run a bbs/ae/catsend line 24 hours a day or they don't run one at
all. Real pirates have two phone lines. Real pirates realize that they
asked for it when they get a call for their bbs/ae/catsend line at the wrong
time of the day. Real pirates know that the South Pole is located in the
U.S.A.
Real pirates don't put their name and numbers on other pirate's wares.
Real pirates don't put their friends names on a crack just to make
him/her/it well-known. Real pirates not pollute their wares with numerous
names, groups and numbers. Real pirates do not update their whole
system and collection to Prodos. Real pirates never run out of disk space.
Real pirates don't trade their Apple II/II+/IIe in for a IIc. Real pirate
don't bug other pirates for "new wares."
Real pirates don't freak out when they meet a female pirate. Real
pirates are not conceited. Real pirates don't make mommy buy the blank
disks. Real pirates know how to spell. Real pirates don't play Stickybear ABC.
Real pirates are not racists. Real pirates do not hang out on homo-sexual
based bbs's. Real pirates can find in their collection what they know they
have. Real pirates are not in a hurry to collect all of the Trillium shit.
Real pirates have alternate ways of copying Time Zone other than by modem.
Real pirates don't turn a file into a full disk so they can slap their tacky
title page on to it.
Real pirates don't join groups so they can become well-known. Real
pirates don't need a reason to have access to a certain board or bbs. Real
pirates do not brag to computer illiterates that they can break into
banks, etc. now with their new modem when they know they can't. Real
pirates don't waste their time and money driving miles to see other
pirates. Real pirates do not brag of their alcohol/drug use; sexual desire
and experiences; and or suicide attempts.
Real pirates do not know how many disks they have, and do not care to
hear the notion of how many disks that another pirate has. Real pirates don't
make obnoxious noises, sounds, moans, groans, and tones while on a conference
line. Real pirates don't get other pirates in trouble. Real pirates don't
bill other pirates. (Unless he/she/it has done the same to you.) Real pirates
don't spend their life typing in text-files. (Which is why this one is
almost done.) Real pirates do not have to read files like this one, they know
what they are already.