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PRESENTED TO YOU BY DANIAL MONAGHAN.*

	
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*

	
Good crowd..good crowd.  I'm telling

	
you I could use a good crowd. I'm ok

	
now  but  last  week I was in  rough

	
shape.. you know.

	


	
Why?  I looked up my family tree and

	
found out I was the sap.

	


	
I come from a stupid family.  During

	
the civil war my great uncle  fought

	
for the west!

	


	
My father was stupid. He worked in a

	
bank and  they  caught him  stealing

	
pens.

	


	
When I was born..the doctor came out

	
to the  waiting  room and said to my

	
father.. "I'm  very  sorry.  We  did

	
everything we  could..but he  pulled

	
through."

	


	
My mother had morning sickness after

	
I was born.

	


	
My  mother never  breast fed me. She

	
told me that she only  liked me as a

	
friend.

	


	
My father carries around the picture

	
of the kid who came with his wallet.

	


	
When I played in the sandbox the cat

	
kept covering me up.

	


	
I could tell that my  parents  hated

	
me.  My bath toys were a toaster and

	
a radio.

	


	
Some  dog I got  too.  We  call  him

	
Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in

	
every room.

	


	
What a dog I got.  His favorite bone

	
is in my arm!

	


	
I  worked  in  pet store and  people

	
kept asking how big I'd get.

	


	
One  year  they  wanted  to  make me

	
poster boy.. for birth control.

	


	
I remember the time I was  kidnapped

	
and  they  sent  back a  piece of my

	
finger  to  my  father.  He  said he

	
wanted more proof!

	


	
My uncle's dying wish was to have me

	
sitting on his lap.  He  was in  the

	
electric chair.

	


	
I went to a phreak show and they let

	
me in for nothing.

	


	
I stuck my head out the  window  and

	
got arrested for mooning!

	


	
Once  when  I  was  lost.. I  saw  a

	
policeman and  asked him to  help me

	
find my  parents. I said to him.."Do

	
you think  we'll ever find them." He

	
said.."I  don't know kid.. there are

	
so many places they can hide."

	


	
I remember I was so  depressed I was

	
going to  jump  out a  window on the

	
tenth floor.. so they sent a  priest

	
up to talk to me.  He said.."On your

	
mark..."

	


	
On Halloween..the parents send their

	
kids out looking like me.

	


	
Last year.. one kid  tried to rip my

	
face off!

	


	
Now it's  different.. when I  answer

	
the door the kids hand me candy.

	


	
When  my  old  man  wanted  sex.. my

	
mother would  show him a  picture of

	
me.

	


	
I had a lot of pimples too.  One day

	
I fell asleep in a  library.  I woke

	
up and a  blind  man was  reading my

	
face.

	


	
My wife made me join a  bridge club.

	
I jump off next tuesday.

	


	
One time I went to a hotel.  I asked

	
the  bellhop to  handle my  bag.  He

	
felt up my wife!

	


	
It's tough to stay  married. My wife

	
kisses the dog on the  lips..yet she

	
won't drink from my glass!

	


	
Last  week  my tie  caught on  fire.

	
Some guy tried to put it out with an

	
axe!

	


	
For two hours..some guy  followed me

	
around with a pooper scooper.

	


	
I  met  the   surgeon   general.  He

	
offered me a cigarette!

	


	
This  morning when I put on my under

	
wear I  could hear the  Fruit of the

	
Loom guys laughing at me.

	


	
A  travel agent  offered me a 21 day

	
special.  He  told  me I  would  fly

	
from New York to  London.  Then from

	
Tokyo back to New York.I asked him..

	
"How  am  I  supposed  to  get  from

	
London to Tokyo?"  He told me.."That

	
is why we give you 21 days."

	


	
Another travel agent told me I could

	
spend 7 nights in  Hawaii. No days..

	
just nights.

	


	
My  problem  is  that  I  appeal  to

	
everyone that can do me absolutly no

	
good.

	


	
They say.."Love thy  neighbor as thy

	
self."  What am I  supposed  to  do?

	
Jerk him off too?

	


	
At  christmas time I sat on  santa's

	
lap.  His fly was open.  Boy..what a

	
present he gave me!

	


	
My sex life is terrible. My wife put

	
a mirror over the dogs bed.

	


	
Actually she did put the mirror over

	
our bed. She says she likes to watch

	
herself laugh.

	


	
I'm a  bad  lover.  Once I  caught a

	
peeping tom booing me.

	


	
My wife  only has sex  with me for a

	
purpose.  Last night she  used me to

	
time an egg.

	


	
I asked my wife if she would put out

	
the garbage.  She said.."Why  should

	
I.. you never put out for me."

	


	
I  asked   her  if  she   enjoys  a

	
cigarette after sex.She said.."No..

	
one drag is enough."

	


	
I got myself good this  morning too.

	
I did my push ups in the nude..but I

	
didn't see the mouse trap.

	


	
A girl  phoned me and said.."Come on

	
over  there's  nobody home." I  went

	
over. Nobody was home!

	


	
A  hooker  once  told me  she  had a

	
headache.

	


	
I  went to  message parlor.  It  was

	
self service.

	


	
My  only  thrill is  self  inflicted

	
hickies.

	


	
If it weren't for pick-pocketers i'd

	
have no sex life at all.

	


	
I was  making love to  this girl and

	
she started crying. I said.."Are you

	
going  to   hate   yourself  in  the

	
morning?"  She  said.. "No.. I  hate

	
myself now."

	


	
She  was  no   bargain  either.  She

	
showed up  with  pigtails  under her

	
arms.

	


	
She was fat and ugly. She was so fat

	
that...

	


	
- She  got on the  scale and a  card

	
came out saying.. "One at a time."

	
- Her bath tub has stretch  marks.

	
- Her  belly  button  makes an echo.

	
- She has her own postal code.

	
- She wears a  "CROSS  YOUR  THIGHS"

	
bra.

	
- She  has a  dress  with a  sign on

	
the  back  saying.. "Caution  wide

	
load."

	
- Her  clothes are  made by Omar the

	
tent maker.

	
- When guys  have sex  with her they

	
ask for directions.

	
- One day  I ran  into  her  with my

	
car.  She  asked me  why I  didn't

	
ride around her.  I  told her that

	
I didn't think I had enough gas.

	
- Her  bikini is made out of two bed

	
bed sheets.

	
- When guys eat her out they ask for

	
provisions for the trip.

	
- Her  mother  ripped  when  she had

	
her.

	
- She  uses  a  septic  tank  for  a

	
toilet.

	


	
She was so ugly that...

	


	
- She  was  known as a  two  bagger.

	
That's when a girl is so ugly that

	
you put a bag  over  your  head in

	
case the bag over her head breaks.

	
- I bent  down to  pet her cat  only

	
to  find  that it was the  hair on

	
her legs.

	
- I  took her to a dog  show and she

	
won first prize.

	
- They  use her in  prisons to  cure

	
sex offenders.

	
- I  took  her to  the  top  of  the

	
Empire State  building and  planes

	
started to attack her.

	
- She looks like she came  second in

	
a hatchet fight!

	
- The  last time I saw a  mouth like

	
hers it  had a  hook on the end of

	
it.

	
- She has a  face  like a  saint.  A

	
saint bernard!

	


	
I was tired one  night and I went to

	
the bar to  have a few  drinks.  The

	
bartender  asked  me.. "What'll  you

	
have?"  I  said.."surprise  me."  He

	
showed  me a  naked  picture  of  my

	
wife.

	


	
During sex my wife  always  wants to

	
talk to me. Just the other night she

	
called me from a hotel.

	


	
My  marriage is on the  rocks again.

	
Yeah..my wife just broke up with her

	
boyfriend.

	


	
One day..as I came  home  early from

	
work..I saw a guy  jogging naked.  I

	
said to the guy.."Hey buddy..why are

	
you  doing   that  for?"  He  said..

	
"Because you came home early."

	


	
I went to  look for a  used  car.  I

	
found my  wife's  dress in the  back

	
seat!

	


	
Once in a  restuarant I made a toast

	
to her.."The best woman a  man  ever

	
had." The waiter joined me.

	


	
Its been a rough day.  I got up this

	
morning..put on a shirt and a button

	
fell off.  I picked up my  breifcase

	
and the handle came off.  I'm afraid

	
to go to the bathroom!

	


	
I had a  problem. I tried group sex.

	
Now I have a new  problem...I  don't

	
know who to thank!

	


	
My  friends  and  I   played  a  new

	
version  of  Russian   roulette.  We

	
passed  around six  girls and one of

	
them had VD.

	


	
I went to see my  doctor.. you  know

	
him.. Doctor  Vidi-boom-ba?  Yeah..I

	
told  him   once..   "Doctor.. every

	
morning  when I  get up and  look in

	
the mirror..I feel like throwing up;

	
what's  wrong with me?"  He said.."I

	
don't  know  but  your  eyesight  is

	
perfect."

	


	
I remember when I swallowed a bottle

	
of  sleeping  pills.  He told me  to

	
have a few drinks and get some rest.

	


	
I told  him I  think my wife has VD.

	
He   gave    himself   a   shot   of

	
penicillin.

	


	
I told my dentist my teeth are going

	
yellow.  He told me to  wear a brown

	
necktie.

	


	
He  found a new way to  cover up his

	
bad breath...he holds up his arms.

	


	
Why every time he  smokes..he  blows

	
onion rings.

	


	
My  physchiatrist told me I'm  going

	
crazy.  I  told him.. "If you  don't

	
mind I'd  like a  second opion.  "He

	
said.."Alright..you're ugly too."

	


	
I was so  ugly..my  mother  used  to

	
feed me with a sling shot!

	


	
When I was born the  doctor took one

	
look at my face...turned me over and

	
said.. "Look...twins!"

	


	
And  we  were  poor  too.  Why  if I

	
wasn't born a boy..I'd have  nothing

	
to play with!