💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › humor › COMPUTER › troff.jok captured on 2022-07-17 at 02:36:12.
⬅️ Previous capture (2022-06-12)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Path: ns-mx!iowasp!deimos.cis.ksu.edu!ux1.cso.uiuc.edu!brutus.cs.uiuc.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!usc!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!decwrl!looking!funny-request
From: neil@ist.co.uk (Neil Todd)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: "The CV macros"
Keywords: computer, smirk
Message-ID: <128676@looking.on.ca>
Date: 8 Apr 90 23:30:10 GMT
Sender: funnyr@looking.on.ca
Organization: The Happyville Home for the Cheerfully Insane (GiD Ltd)
Lines: 145
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reply-Path: ist.co.uk!neil
Introducing a new "portable" macro package for troff-like processors
===================================================================
Andy Greener (andy@gid.co.uk)
Neil Todd (neil@gid.co.uk)
GiD Ltd
Upper Basildon
Reading
Berks
UK
Tired of messing around with your CV, trying to get it just
right?
Naked troff getting you down?
Need to change it at short notice to fit the Job Ad?
Yes??
Well, in that case you need THE CV MACROS!!
A simple-to-use Troff macro package that takes care of all
those messy formatting problems and gives you some added
features:
+ Optional invisible typeface (use .I) that utilises the
little known feature of most Laser printers that allows
the selection of a "white" toner cartridge. This
specially formulated toner is completely invisible on
white paper, so should your manager see it being
printed he'll think you've just screwed up again. But
get it home, pop it in the oven at regulo 6 for 15 mins
and hey presto! the toner turns black. You never have
to be furtive in the print room again.
+ A hype typeface (.HY) that selects a special toner that
absorbs 24 in every 25 photons that strike it -
resulting in a typeface that flashes twice a second
under normal 50Hz lighting. A slightly increased flash
rate is automatically selected when applying for North
American jobs (to match the increased tempo of life
there).
CV HEALTH WARNING: Due to the energy absorbing nature
of this typeface, prolonged exposure to bright lights
may seriously damage your job prospects.
+ A little "white lie" macro (.WL) sets the following
text in a radioactive typeface that has a half-life (in
days) selectable via an argument. As the toner decays
the text becomes rapidly unreadable.
February 19, 1990
- 2 -
+ A "photocopy glitch" macro (.PG) is available that
causes the typeface to be altered by a random dither
algorithm applied to the laser beam drive logic. Useful
for those embarrasing A level or degree results.
+ The "salary" macro (.SL) is available to generate
suitable "current salary" and "required salary" lines.
This is a complicated macro, but illustrates a number
of the lesser known troff features, including ".ra"
(the random number generator). This macro also takes an
optional numerical argument, a weekly auto-increment
for the required salary. This saves the interview
weary job-hunter from editing the cv merely to ask for
more money.
The features of this package are open to one and all. So
long as you can use troff or similar you've got it made. To
avoid excessive use of these novel features (these typefaces
are expensive you know!) troff will only function with the
-mcv macros if the input file name is $HOME/cv.
Oh, and one last thing, remember to de-crypt it first!
February 19, 1990
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.