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Real Programmers ...
Don't eat quiche. Real programmers don't even know how to spell Quiche. They
like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food.
Don't write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal.
Application programs are for dullards who can't do system programming.
Don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they get. They are
lucky to get any program at all.
Don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to under-
stand and even harder to modify.
Don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of
documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them.
Don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the novice and
the coward.
Don't use Cobol. Cobol is for wimpy application programmers.
Don't use Fortran. Fortran is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks pipe
stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get excited over finite state
analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.
Don't use PL/1. PL/1 is for insecure momma's boys who can't choose between
Cobol and Fortran.
Don't use BASIC. In fact, *no* programmers use BASIC after reaching puberty.
Don't use APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line.
Don't use LISP. Only effeminate programmers use more parentheses than actual
code.
Don't use Pascal, Bliss, ADA or any of those sissy-pinko computer science
languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories.
Never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9 a.m. it's because
they were up all night.
Don't play tennis or any other sport which requires a change of clothes.
Mountain climbing is ok, and real programmers often wear climbing boots to work
in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.
Disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive, pre-
maturely toilet-trained neurotics who wear neckties and carefully line up
sharpened pencils on an otherwise uncluttered desk.
Don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of course, they are the Chief
Programmer.
Have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. Managers are for
dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners and other mental
defectives.
Scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bed-
wetters who are unable to "think big."
Don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMWs, Lincolns or pick-up
trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.
Don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers "firm up"
schedules. Frightened coders strive to make schedules. Real programmers
ignore schedules.
Like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real pro-
grammers use the heat given off by the cpu. They can tell what job is running
just by listening to the rate of popping.
Know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every read program.
Puppy architects won't allow execute instructions to address another execute as
the target instruction. Real programers despise such petty restrictions.
Don't bring brown bag lunches to work. If the vending machine sells it, they
eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending
machines don't sell quiche.
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