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The Twit Filter: The Know-It/Done-It-All
by Dave Bealer
This loathsome creature is common throughout human society, though
they seem to occur most frequently near universities, government
buildings, and computer centers.
Everyone knows the type: if you have a 3.96 GPA, the Know-It/Done-It-
All (KIDIA) has a 3.98. If you've climbed Mount Everest, the KIDIA
climbed it backwards walking on his hands, and set a new record time
in the process, of course. If you coded the current Data Structures
lab assignment in three days using 71 lines of C code, the KIDIA
coded it in two hours using 674 bytes of binary machine code. When
asked to produce proof of these astonishing feats, the KIDIA hems and
haws. Now is not the right time for such disclosures. Eventually it
becomes clear that there will never be a right time.
Particularly dangerous online, the KIDIA knows the extreme difficulty
of asking for proof of any fantastic claims. The KIDIA always has
the fastest CPU, the biggest hard drive, the fastest modem, the most
efficiently configured WINDOWS.INI settings, and all the newest whiz-
bang peripherals. For some reason simply possessing these things
isn't good enough for the KIDIA. She has to remind everyone that she
has them in at least one post every day.
There are only three options to choose from when confronted with a
KIDIA:
1) Kill yourself. Sure, this solves your problem, but what about
the rest of us?
2) Kill the KIDIA. Actually the ideal solution, although you may
have to spend a couple of weeks in jail. (Applies to the United
States only. This solution is NOT recommended in countries that
actually punish people for murder and other violent crimes.)
3) Put the KIDIA in your twit filter. Probably the best solution,
at least in countries where option 2 is not viable. It can even
be effective in the U.S. There's nothing KIDIAs hate more than
the thought that people are ignoring them. {RAH}