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From the National Inquisitor, 30 Feb 85:
"Dream Turns to Nightmare"
Muskogee, Mich: The hopes of a Michigan Institute of Taxidermy prof
were dashed early this week as thoughtless co-workers turned 'thumbs
down' on the dream of a lifetime. "I can't believe they did it!",
said Montgomery "Fair-haired Boy" Sears, upon hearing the tragic news.
For Sears and his scant cohorts, the Oklahoma Tool & Die's new
Expunger were to bring to the campus, in one foul swoop, a completely
unsellable product that the manufacturer couldn't dump anywhere else.
They would have enabled the Lab for Confuser Science at MIT to
assemble the world's slowest large network of disturbed systems.
The Expunger is a neolithic impersonal playstation using the
BABBAGE language. BABBAGE is an advanced new computer language known
for its novel control structures such as the "GOING, GOING, GONE"
statement. In addition, it featured hardware assist for Guano
Collection. It was based on a previous design, the Olde machine, which
caused XOFF Data Systems, Healthkit, and Eastern Analogue to barf the
instant they saw it. Several of these companies have since gone down
the tubes after working on the Old machine.
The 400 thousand machines would have had a total value of
nearly 12 cents. MIT and OT&D had agreed to a plan under which OT&D
would kick back a Pong game in exchange for MIT's agreement not to
sue, as well 69% of all garbage collected. New plans call for both LCS
and the Artifical Emotions Laboratory to use the Simplistics 42,000
playstation, as well as the PicoCrax from WREK. Both machines are
expected to be delivered REAL SOON NOW.
Sears' mentor, Laboratory Chief Al "Big Al" Confuzerus said:
"The Oklahoma T&D machine was just perfect. All our ideas had come
home to roost in one completely incomprehensible system. Our approach
to these disturbed systems has been a meandering quest in search of
anything to get more research grants and publications, no matter how
worthless."
Confuzerus (who has so far not been asked to serve as
President of MIT or Presidential Science adviser) admitted "Of course,
I wouldn't know a good computer from a hole in the ground myself, but
the people in My Lab say these things are the pits."
"It's too bad", said Confuzerus. "The completely unachievable
goal of connecting all these crocks would have kept Sears off the
street and out of our hair for years. After all, it was his idea to
sleeze these turkeys in the first place."
Said Sears: "I was the only one to have this dream."