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Date: 12 December 1982 09:21-EST (Sunday)
Sender: HDT at MIT-OZ
From: Howard D. Trachtman <HDT at MIT-MC>
To: "[dsk:humor;hitch hikers]" at mc
Subject: [VAF: [RHEA::HARDY::GLASSER%Shasta: Submission (possibly redundant)]]
Date: Saturday, 11 December 1982 13:14-EST
From: Vince Fuller <VAF at CMU-CS-C>
To: INFO-COBOL at MIT-MC, EC0N at TOPSE at CMU-CS-C,
GM0W at TOPSE at CMU-CS-C
Re: [RHEA::HARDY::GLASSER%Shasta: Submission (possibly redundant)]
Date: Friday, 10 Dec 1982 09:02:30-PST
From: RHEA::HARDY::GLASSER%Shasta at SU-Score
To: SF-LOVERS at MIT-MC
Re: Submission (possibly redundant)
I stole the following from the USENET net.jokes newsgroup. I thought
that SFL should see it. I hope that the author does not mind.
Daniel Glasser
[USENET address ...!decvax!sultan!dag
no reliable ARPA address.]
From: decvax!sultan!decvax!genradbo!grkermit!markm
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
Episode 1 - First Meeting
One day, not long after tomorrow, Arnold Lint was busy scrolling
through the seemingly infinite reaches of the Net. All of a sudden the
news stopped with an abrupt thud, followed by the angry message "YOUR
NODE HAS BEEN REDUCED TO A LITTLE BLACK, GREASY SPLOTCH IN MY MEMORY
SPACE!!". No sooner had he assimilated this horrendous event when a
great suction like noise began to eminate from his terminal. "This is
it", he said to himself, "I'm going to die". The screen on his
terminal the imploded and he suddenly found himself sucked into the
terminal . . . . . . . . . . . .
(Arnold Lint regains consciousness, only to find himself in the
company of an odd trio. One of the trio is an apparently normal human
male (named Rod Perfect) and the second is a voluptuos young woman
(named Gillian). The third is also a normal male (named Xaphod
Gronklebox), except for a third, mechanical, arm and a 12" CRT on his
shoulder that keeps scrolling "Pieces of Eight, Pieces of Eight".)
Rod: Evening all! I'm Rod Perfect, awfully rude of you imploding on
us this way, you silly twit.
Arnold Lint: Sorry. Am I dead?
Xaphod: Obviously not, you semi-evolved simian! Are all you
net-landers so stupid. If you were dead would I be talking to
you? I'm Xaphod Gronklebox, the famous inter-net-al criminal
and dog molester - you must have heard of me.
Arnold Lint: Actually, no, I haven't.
Xaphod: Oh well, your loss. I just hijacked this node! It's called
the Infinity, isn't it wild. Just imagine the places we can go
in this baby.
(Rod notices that Arnold's eyes are transfixed on the young woman)
Rod: Her name's Gillian, at least that's what she wants to be called.
Actually, her real name is Gertrude Floogie, but she didnt't like
it, so she changed it.
(Arnold Lint detects a mechanical sound to his right. A robot soon
walks into view)
Robot: My name is Martin. I am sure you will have an
absolutely awful time on this node, I always have.
I do not know why they insist on trying to do
things to change the Net, they can only make it
worse. No matter what happens, some one always
says something stupid and ruins everything. Then
someone else feels obliged to a rebuttal, and on
and on it goes. How awful. Still, what do you
expect from an imperfect Net.
Rod: Martin is a bit, well, depressing.
Xaphod: He's a real downer, man!
Martin: That's right, ridicule me. See what I care. I'm only an
android. Just another example of cruelty in this awful Net.
(********************************************************************
The "Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" defines cruelty as having to see
constant repetitions of the same salutory comment in more than 20
messages. History shows that a war was fought over the repetition of
the statement "If you don't like my name - push off, signed xxxx"
appearing in 200 messages from the node of Moronicus. Since that
time, any time a salutory message is used more than 20 times,
subsequent violators have their pelvis screwed to a cake stand while
they are forced to watch repeats of "The Gong Show".