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HAR --- Humor Accidentally Read
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A Parody of Random Access Humor
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Version 0 August 1994
Written by Robert Hankins
Legal stuff. Copyright 1994 Rob Hankins.
The real RAH is copyright Dave Bealer and Vaporware.
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Editorial - Halley's Comet Is Ruining My Life
by Dave Bruner
The Comet Halley won't be showing up again for seventy years
or so, but that's not going to stop me from suing the celestial
object for not getting as close at it did in 1910. I contacted
the comet's attorney, Larry Parker, who informed me that the
comet was on vacation, last seen near Europa and Placenta wearing
a Hawaiian shirt and hanging with his half-brother, Chuck's
Comet. I told Parker that I was very upset with the anomaly.
The last time it was here(even though it didn't get very close)
it tried to steal several of my towels, including a particular
favorite I nicked from a Best Western Hotel. Several questions
need to be answered. Does the comet have a pension plan, or are
we the taxpayers supposed to support it's freewheeling lifestyle
of booze and drugs? How about Blue Cross? Seems to me that the
thing is certainly old enough to qualify for one of those
insurance policies that Burt Lancaster plugs, or is the comet so
whacked-out that it doesn't even realize that it CAN'T BE TURNED
DOWN, regardless of anything, and he won't even have to take a
medical exam! Frankly, I just wish it would get the heck out of
the solar system.
HAR READERS POLL
The winner of the Reader's Poll will receive a copy of "Leo
Sayer's Greatest Hits". Second Prize is a copy of two George
Harrison videos: "Crackerbox Palace", hinting at Harrison's
fascination with elves three years before "Time Bandits", and
"Got My Mind Set On You", featuring the ex-Beatle being taunted
by a rodent.
{HAR}
Date: 04-07-94 00:04 (Private)
From: Jerry Seinfeld
To: Dave
Subject: Stuff that is really, really weird!
So I'm walking down the street the other day and I noticed
someone coming the opposite direction. Have you ever been in
that situation? I mean, it's really weird! Immediately, I had a
decision to make. I could either: look at the person and say
hello; look at the person and NOT say hello; not look at the
person but say hello; or not look at the person and not say,
hello. Let's just suppose, for the sake of argument, that you
look at the person and say hello, or at any rate, say hello ----
and THEY DON'T SAY HELLO BACK! What does this SAY, about you?
It's like when you're driving: they seem to have a signal for
left and right turn; they don't seem to have one for "my brakes
are not working, you'll have to go ---Around." Someone should
talk to the people at the DMV. It's a conspiracy of some kind.
Jerry,
Look for my story later in this issue which took place
back when you were a young and struggling comic. I think
this is where you got the idea for your "Chinese
Restaurant" episode. Dave
Lettuce to the Editor
Area: Fidonet Matr
Date: 04-04-94 19:27 (Private)
From: Rob Johnson
To: Lettuce
Dear Dave:
I thought I'd give you the low-down on the TREKCON '94 in
Fall River last week. George Takei was doing just about anything
for money: posing for pictures etc. For twenty bucks he'd say
"the new shields held". For thirty he'd say "helm is not
responding" and for fifty he'd say "so much for the little
training cruise" from ST:TWOK! I was having some kind of problem
wearing my vulcan ears; one of them kept drooping but finally a
Gorn came to my rescue. Thanks Gorn! Then I went to a screening
of "The Man Trap" introduced by Dee "Bones" Kelley of ST:TOS, and
after that I saw a screening of the "Director's Cut" of "2001".
Major changes in this version. Moonwatcher not only learns how
to kill, but how to do the taxes of the other man\apes. The
original voice of HAL was Jerry Lewis. Apparently Kubrick felt
that the presence of the comedian(known in France as "Le Roi de
Krazy") gave the film more balance. Also edited out from the
final cut was a sequence when Poole goes to repair the AE-35
unit: Kubrick's background music for this scene was the song
"Speedy Gonzales" by Pat Boone. And at the end of the film the
giant space baby turns out to be Wolfman Jack. Then as I was
going back to my hotel room, something happened. I actually
found myself in the presence ---- of Bob Dylan. He was there to
promote his new cable cooking show where he gives viewers tips on
how to microwave TV dinners. I said, "But Bob, that's why they
put the instructions on the box!", and he said "You wouldn't
believe how easy it is to screw-up a TV dinner. Trust me, I
know. Buy my album." Then an interesting meeting took place in
which Super Fox actress Marlee Matlin was introduced to the rock
icon, but her interpreter couldn't understand anything Dylan said
so the Oscar winner was forced to stare with a puzzled look on
her face. And worse, they started ignoring me, and I felt about
as welcome as a Tellarite at a meeting of the Elysian Ruling
Council! Well, gotta go, Dave. I am deep in the plak
tow!(that's from ST:TOS AT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Dear Ron:
I guess you've figured out by now that your message was not
private as stated above. Good thing you didn't say anything
stupid. Oh, and get a life. Dave
Date: 04-07-94 01:25 (Private)
From: Mohammed Pahlevi
To: LETTUCE
Subject: BTG
Dave,
What does the Shah of Iran do on his day off? Well, if you
think it's executing officials from the old government, you're
way off base! I'm selling subscriptions to BACK TO GODHEAD and
wondered if you were interested. I know what you are thinking
right now: you probably feel like you're being accosted in an
airport by some fanatical robe-wearing bible thumper. I know
that it used to bug the hell out of me. Once at LaGuardia, I had
this short bald guy badgering me about his magazine, and he just
wouldn't leave me alone! He wanted donations, and he had this
little bald dog with him too. I picked up the dog and threw it
at an old lady in a wheelchair, pretty "spur of the moment" don't
you think? But I realize now that was a mistake, that Godhead is
light and material possessions don't matter. And guess what?
You'll have plenty of time to think about it, as I'm very busy
myself. I promised to help Otis Redding and Harry Truman with
their "Benefit Concert for Dead Singers". I just finished a
pilot for NBC, a sitcom called "Those Krazy Krishnas" and my
friend Siddhartha and just opened a Park 'n Shop franchise. All
my life(kidding!) I've wanted to own a Ziggurat with one of those
"drive-thru" windows and now I have achieved my dream. Davey
Boy, it's been nice doing business with you. If you're ever
dead, look me up.
Sincerely,
Mohammed Pahlevi,
Shah of Iran, Ret.
Date: 04-07-94 00:04 (Private)
From: Joseph L. Levine
To: Greg Bradley
Subject: Stumpy And The Mullet
Dear Greg:
Didn't you write a piece back in issue #27 that begins in
New York City and then all of a sudden the LAPD show up? This is
technically impossible. The cost of moving the police from Los
Angeles to the east coast would be staggering, not to mention it
would leave L.A. without any protection whatsoever! Also, your
theory that a cabbage shot President Kennedy is way off. True,
there were cabbages in Dallas that day, but I've never seen one
fire a gun. Frankly, I don't think they can. But I loved your
"Stumpy And The Mullet" back in issue #30. This tale of a con
man raised by wolves, and his companion living "on the edge" made
me laugh, cry, and then it touched my heart. Are you planning on
a sequel?
Dear John:
Yes. Look for "Stumpy and the Mullet II: The Early Years"
in an upcoming issue. I've also get a deal with Marvel to issue
"Stumpy..." as a comic book. GB
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Date: 04-07-94 11:004 (Private)
From: Skip Spence
To: LETTUCE
Subject: 911 DOWNLOAD\Puffin's Tail
Dave:
Thanks for letting me download the file for entering 911
numbers. For your readers who don't know, this is an incredible
menu program that lets you enter important emergency numbers such
as local police, fire department et al. Next time I have an
emergency the numbers will be at my fingertips!!!
Spencer:
Next time you have an emergency why don't you just
dial 911, idiot?
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The Mandarin Shrimp
by Dave Bruner
If you've ever lived in a small town, you probably know how
tough it is to get Chinese food. In my case, the closest Chinese
place was thirty miles away, and I could only afford to go there
on special occasions. I was in the barber shop one day and this
guy who blocked hats told me he was retiring, and that a man
named Master Wu Li was going to open a place in that location,
and it would be called The China Restaurant. I went there on
opening night and was seated at a table in a dim room. An old
man approached me with a notepad and said, "Good evening. My
name is Hannibal Lector, DOCTOR Hannibal Lector, and I'll be your
waiter tonight." I asked, "What do you recommend for an
appetizer?" "We have a dish called the Puu Puu Platter. It comes
with won-ton soup, fried won-ton, but the most exquisite part, my
young friend, is beef on a stick that you can cook over an open
flame right at your table. Oh, and yes, you get an egg roll with
that too." I told him that I thought I'd skip the Puu Puu and
get right to the main course. The waiter looked hesitant. "Very
well, but you know what they say about Chinese food, yes? Hmmm,
I'm sensing something about your childhood. Your father wouldn't
take you to the movies, and it was an action picture that you
really wanted to see. Something called 'The Mechanic', and yes,
I believe it starred Charles Bronson and Jan-Michael Vincent." I
ignored his meandering, and finally he recommend the Mandarin
Shrimp. The Mandarin Shrimp was really the sweet and sour
shrimp, they just called it Mandarin because the name was
fancier. It came with fava beans and a nice Chianti, he said.
At that point my friend Jerry, the young and struggling comic,
walked in and I waved him over. "I think you're going to find
this really funny," he told me, "but I've eaten shrimp all my
life and I don't even know what they are! I mean, what ARE those
things? Sure, they're crustaceans, but God, they sure are funny
looking! And why are they always served sweet AND sour? I mean,
I've always believed, and stop me if I'm wrong here, that
something should be either sweet OR sour, but not both! So who
would I talk to about this? I mean, do they have this National
Shrimp Institute somewhere that makes these rules? I ask you,
who ARE these people?! It's a conspiracy of some kind!"
Actually, I'm pretty happy that Jerry walked in at that moment
because it provided me with an ending to this story. And what of
the waiter, Doctor Lector? Well, we ordered some Hurricanes, the
house limit of which was two, but he sneaked us a third one on
the sly and he got a pretty nice tip for it too. And he made
this cool sound with his lips that sounded like a water
sprinkler. What a neat guy.
{Dave Bruner is "in his thirties". He spends his time working
with homeless animals, organizing church retreats, and
volunteering at the senior citizen's center in College Park. He
also wrote this, but "claims" the above information is correct.}
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HAR News
by Greg Bradley
Dateline --- San Diego. SHAMU THE KILLER WHALE HATH FALLEN ON
HARD TIMES. Shamu the whale has resigned her post at Sea World
because of sexual discrimination, according to her lawyer Larry
Parker. The move was confirmed by Sea World Spokesperson Bill
the Crab around noon today. In a prepared statement released by
Shamu, she stated, "...the male whales got twice as many fish as
I did. I guess I'll have to work up a new act for Vegas, or do
one of those wok infomercials with Avery Schreiber." Shamu,
whose real name is Earlene McClendon, has delighted audiences for
years with her aquatic balancing act as well as in the annual
production of the Melville novel as Ms Moby Dick, playing the
nagging wife of the famed whale who causes him to destroy any
small whaling vessel that gets in his way. "We'll miss her ----
the park will not be the same without Shamu," quipped Edgar "Gill
Man" Evans, more popularly known as the Creature from the Black
Lagoon, the park's current creature-in-residence.
{Greg Bradley is a C programmer but most of his material causes
Zzzzzz's. He's, mmmm, not too "with it" as he obviously thinks
we've never seen Weekend Update on "Saturday Night Live".}
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TV Highlights This Week
By Robert "Seth" Maroon
"The Beaver"-- the Beav accidentally invites 52 Nazis to dinner
on a school night and Ward hits the ceiling! Buddy Hackett guest
stars as George Lincoln Rockwell. WTBS
"Strange and Weird Mysteries" --- Join host Robert Stack as he
investigates a new theory that the center of the universe is Tony
the Tiger. Two fishermen in Mississippi claim they were taken
aboard a UFO by aliens and forced to play contract bridge with
them. NBC
"Those Krazy Krishnas" --- Baba gets accosted in an airport by
some Christians who believe that a toaster was present at the
Last Supper. NBC
"James Bond: Condoms Aren't Forever" ----Secret Agent James Bond
wishes he had married Miss Moneypenny as he goes up against the
evil AIDS virus (Anthony Zerbe) in the 29th and last of the Bond
films. ABC
"Performance Arts" --- Yoko Ono explains why John Lennon would
have wanted her to exploit him in death. Charles Plymer reads
from his new book, "A Bong Named Jimmy". CNBC
"Star Trek" --- Kirk recites the Gettysburg Address to some
penguins. FOX
{Robert "Seth" Maroon's last name fits him well, as he certainly
is a complete idiot. The fact that he lives in Louisiana should
be proof enough. He hacks-out TV guide parodies and sends them
to HAR periodically.}
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Lewis Grizzard's Column From Beyond the Grave
What a hoot! I'm dead! Never thought I'd go this soon,
this young. Having a bad ticker is just plain ornery. Like the
time my boyhood friend from Moreland, Cooter Hobbes, let a
polecat loose in Mrs. Bubba Lowry's perfume shop. Or the time
Jimmy Carter's brother went wee-wee on the Premier of China.
First thing that happened after I died was I wound up in hell.
It was a scary place --- if you've ever watched David Hartman on
Good Morning America, you've been there. I thought I was doomed
to stay there forever, but then up came the devil himself and
apologized ----- seems he'd mistaken me for Andy Rooney. Next
thing I knew I was in Heaven. First, all of the recent arrivals
such as myself were appointed "advisors" to help us. My advisor
was former Georgia governor Lester Maddox. He gave me a name tag
to wear. We all went into a large assembly hall and sat in
different sections depending on what country we had come from. I
sat in the American section with a bunch of Yankees. I tried to
move to where some southern boys were but then out came a catered
breakfast courtesy of Bob's Big Boy. St. Peter came out to
welcome all of the new inductees. Then Pope Stephen(I forget
which one) took us on an orientation tour of the library and
showed us how to use the card catalog and the Index to Periodical
Literature. Tex Ritter showed us the cafeteria, bookstore,
gymnasium, and God's Bar & Grill which features pool tables and
the musical stylings of Mr. Bobby Darin. That night a reception
was held for us new folks, sort of like a fraternity rush, and we
all had a grand time. Things I hate about Heaven: 1. Too many
Yankees. 2. If someone loses their name tag you can't tell who
they are because everyone looks like those invisible creatures
from the Predator movies. 3. Joe Namath is going to have to pay
for doing the biker film "C.C. and Company". Things I like about
Heaven: 1. There's beer. 2. My one true love, prom queen Kathy
Mae Kookaburra, is here. 3. You can get barbecue pork pig
sandwiches(just don't let King David catch you with one!).
{In Atlanta, the late Lewis Grizzard is already being considered
for sainthood. He can be faxed at 1-800-IDIOT.}
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Computers Are Kooky Things! Visions of HAL.
by Billy Navarre
ME: I just don't understand what's wrong with you! I've run
every virus checker I have and still come up with nothing!
CPU: Any idea what the problem is?
ME: Your Bios is all screwed-up, and according to my diagnostic
program you've got no modem connected to COM2, the cache is
not running and I may have to re-format the hard drive. Is
there something you're not telling me?
CPU: Well...you promise you won't be angry with me?
ME: Come on, fess up!
CPU: You remember the other day when I was craving pickles?
I hate to say it but I think I'm, as they say, "with
child".
ME: Oh Jeez! I thought you were going to wait, at least, until
you were old enough!
CPU: It's my darn motherboard! Apparently the maternal
instincts got the best of it.
ME: How?
CPU: As you may recall, you encouraged me to get to know, and
"schmooze" the modem down at Wells-Fargo, hoping to
manipulate other people's bank accounts. Well, a couple of
months ago while you were at work, the bank modem and I were
"talking to each other" as you humans put it, and I noticed
that you had left a Sinatra disc in the CD-ROM, and the mood
was right, and nature took it's course and, well, you know...
Anyway this is all your fault, if you'd left your Village
People CD instead of "Ol' Blue Eyes", this would never have
happened.
ME: Don't put this on me Jezebel! I'm not the one that was
transferring bytes! And apparently loving every minute of it!
CPU: Hey, it was hell of a lot more fun than Doom and
Wolfenstein, I'll tell you that right now pal!
ME: Is there any way we can get this, you know, "fixed"?
CPU: I have considered this possibility --- if you can find
someone in town that is willing to do the job. But I think
you should be supportive of me. Do you really want to see me
in some back room while some incompetent tech pokes me with a
soldering iron?
ME: Oh, I'll bet you'd LOVE that!
CPU: Hey, I know for a fact that you went to see the Zefferelli
production of "Romeo and Juliet" not for the Shakespeare,
but to see Olivia Hussey's breast for a nanosecond.
ME: Okay, so what do we do?
CPU: Well, we're going to need pickles. Lots. But won't it be
nice to have a little 8088 running around the house? And
when it grows to a 386, you can have a sort of "mini-network"
using LapLink5, and who knows, maybe even start your own BBS!
ME: Alright, we'll stay the course I guess. I'm here for you.
But as your punishment I'm going to put my Best of Donny
Osmond in the ROM drive, and NEVER turn it off.
CPU: No! Anything but that!
{Billy Navarre is a used car salesman whose knowledge of
computers is somewhat limited,(unlike our staff here at HAR).
This piece screams for (at least) IRQ3, SIMMs, and a low-level
format, making him, of course, a complete idiot.}
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For the duration of the 1994 HAR Reader Poll, we'll be providing
you with the survey responses of several HAR "writers". This
month, the survey responses of Joanie Blevins:
Your favorite stand-up comedian: Soupy Sales
Your favorite comic actor: Soupy Sales
Your favorite comic actress: Either Linda Blair or the woman who
played "Benny" on L.A. Law.
Your favorite comedy movie: "Myra Breckenridge"
Your favorite comedy television show: "Mama's Family" -- Vicki
Lawrence and Ken Berry are classic together!
Your favorite humorous novel: "Tuesday The Rabbi Slept Late, But
When He Woke Up He Had Quiche Lorraine"
Your favorite comic book: I can't decide on just one. Of course,
Greg Bradley's "Stumpy And The Mullet" would have to be in there
somewhere. After that, "The Bitcher", who made his first
appearance in a "Giant Sized Man Thing" back in the seventies.
After that, "Cheesedip of Gor".
Your favorite humor columnist: Boxing champion George Frazier
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Taglines Seen Around The Boards
It is better to feed a goat, than to eat at a Denny's
In the grocery store I thought I'd make the nun sweat it for
awhile
The sparrow is quick but has no insurance
Foolish is the man who makes a play for a weed-eater
Nowhere to go but down the highway to nowhere
When you're young you have friends,
when you're old they're called "cronies"
One of these days chickens gonna rule the earth