💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › humor › COMPUTER › flame.txt captured on 2022-07-17 at 02:22:28.
⬅️ Previous capture (2022-06-12)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
+---------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| The FLAMERS BIBLE |
| |
+---------------------------------------------------------------+
Origin: Unknown (actually, I wrote the first one a few months
ago, but I thought "origin: unknown" looks cool)
Revision 1: Dec. 2, 1987 by Joe Talmadge
In the time I have been posting to net, I have encountered flame
wars of epic proportions (Brahms Gang vs. Tim Maroney), and flame
wars of a more modest nature (MIT vs. CIT). Flaming has evolved
into a highly-stylized art form, complete with unwritten rules
and guidelines.
Here, I have attempted to document the Art of Flaming, in such a
way as it will be interesting to old hands (flame masters) and
novices (virgins) alike. Without a further ado, then, I present:
***********The twelve commandments of flaming**************
1. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make
your lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word
"clearly." "Clearly, Fred Flooney is a liar, and a dirtball to
boot."
2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've
heard of Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly,
you're qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. "Polly
Purebread, by using the word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows she
has a bad case of penis envy."
3. Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting
for the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From
rec.arts.wobegon to alt.gourmand, they're all holding their
breaths until your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere.
4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason
can't *possibly* be that you're a fuckhead. There's obviously a
conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net a
favor by exposing it.
5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like
the Yin & Yang of flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always
considered to be in good form. "By saying that I've posted to the
wrong group, Bertha has libelled me, slandered me, and sodomized
me. See you in court, Bertha."
6. Force them to document their claims: Even if Harry Hoinkus
states outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you
should demand documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an
article on Harry's pasta preferences, then Harry's obviously
lying.
7. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua
franca of flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least
three times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad
nauseum", "vini, vidi, vici", "fetuccini alfredo".
8. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to
convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them?
State that you're a member of Mensa or Mega or Dorks of America.
Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high
school. "I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can
also spell the word 'premeiotic' ".
9. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an
American citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net
(as guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries
to limit your cross-posting or move a flame war to email is
either a communist, a fascist, or both.
10. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your
opponent, have you? And since you're the center of the universe,
you should have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY
DON'T EXIST! This is the beauty of flamers' logic.
11. Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.
12. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules,
remember this one. At some point during your wonderful career as
a flamer you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone
who is better than you. This person will expose your lies, tear
apart your arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At
this point, there's only one thing to do: insult the dirtbag!!!
"Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange things with vegetables."
The Golden Rule of Flaming:
My flames will be witty, insulting, interesting, funny, caustic,
or sarcastic, but never, ever, will they be boring.
Here endeth the scriptures.
Joe Talmadge
hplabs!hpda!hpsemc!jat
X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm)
& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845
Rat Head Ratsnatcher 510-524-3649
Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766
realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 415-567-7043
Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102
Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives,
arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality,
insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS.
Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are,
where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother.
"Raw Data for Raw Nerves"
X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X