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From metheus!ogcvax!omsvax!icalqa!hplabs!sri-unix!KARP@SUMEX-AIM
Wed Sep 28 17:18:53 1983
Subject: Amusement from CMU's opinion bboard
From: Peter Karp <KARP@SUMEX-AIM>
[Reprinted from the CMU opinion board via the SU-SCORE bboard.]
Ever dreamed of flaming with the Big Boys? ... Had that desire to write an
immense diatribe, berating de facto all your peers who hold contrary opinions?
... Felt the urge to have your fingers moving without being connected to your
brain? Well, by simply sending in the form on the back of this bboard post,
you could begin climbing into your pulpit alongside greats from all walks of
life such as Chomsky, Weizenbaum, Reagan, Von Danneken, Ellison, Abzug, Arifat
and many many more. You don't even have to leave the comfort of your armchair!
Here's how it works: Each week we send you a new lesson. You read the notes
and then simply write one essay each week on the assigned topic. Your essays
will be read by our expert pool of professional flamers and graded on Sparsity,
Style, Overtness, Incoherence, and a host of other important aspects. You will
receive a long letter from your specially selected advisor indicating in great
detail why you obviously have the intellectual depth of a soap dish. This
apprenticeship is all there is to it.
Here are some examples of the courses offered by The School:
Classical Flames: You will study the flamers who started it all. For
example, Descarte's much quoted demonstration that reality isn't. Special
attention is paid, in this course, to the old and new testaments and how
western flaming was influenced by their structure. (The Bible plays a
particularly important role in our program and most courses will spend at least
some time tracing biblical origins or associations of their special topic.
See, particularly, the special seminar on Space Cadetism, which concentrate on
ESP and UFO phenomena.)
Contemporary Flame Technique: Attention is paid to the detail of flame form
in this course. The student will practice the subtle and overt ad hominem
argument; fact avoidance maneuvers; "at length" writing style; over
generalization; and other important factor which make the modern flame
inaccessible to the general populace. Readings from Russell ("Now I will admit
that some unusually stupid children of ten may find this material a bit
difficult to fathom..."), Skinner, (primarily concentrating on his Verbal
Learning), Sagan (on abstract overestimation) and many others. This course is
most concerned with politicians (sometimes, redundantly, referred to as
"political flamers") since their speech writers are particularly adept at the
technique that we wish to foster.
Appearing Brilliant (thanks to the Harvard Lampoon): Nobel laureates lecture
on topics of world import but which are very much outside their field of
expertise. There is a large representation of Nobels in physics: the
discoverer of the UnCharmed Pi Mesa Beta Quark explains how the population
explosion can be averted through proper reculterization of mothers; and
professor Nikervator, first person to properly develop the theory of faster-
than-sound "Whizon" docking coreography, tells us how mind is the sole
theological entity.
Special seminar in terminology: The name that you give something is clearly
more important than its semantics. Experts in nomenclature demonstrate their
skills. Pulitzer Prize winner Douglas Hofstader makes up 15,000 new words
whose definitions, when read sideways prove the existence of themselves and
constitute fifteen months of columns in Scientific American. A special round
table of drug company and computer corporation representatives discuss how to
construct catchy names for new products and never give the slightest hint to
the public about what they mean.
Writing the Scientific Journal Flame: Our graduates will be able to compete
in the modern world of academic and industrial research flaming, where the call
is high for trained pontificators. the student reads short sections from
several fields and then may select a field of concentration for detailed study.
Here is an example description of a detailed scientific flaming seminar:
Computer Science: This very new field deals directly with the very metal of
the flamer's tools: information and communication. The student selecting
computer science will study several areas including, but not exclusively:
Artificial Intelligence: Roger Schank explains the design of his flame
understanding and generation engine (RUSHIN) and will explain how the
techniques that it employs constitute a complete model of mind, brain,
intelligence, and quantum electrodynamics. For contrast, Marvin Minsky does
the same. Weizenbaum tells us, with absolutely no data or alternative model,
why AI is logically impossible, and moreover, immoral.
Programming Languages: A round table is held between Wirth, Hoare, Dykstra,
Iverson, Perlis, and Jean Samett, in order to keep them from killing each
other.
Machines and systems: Fred Brooks and Gordon Bell lead a field of experts
over the visual cliff of hardware considerations.
The list of authoritative lectures goes on and on. In addition, an inspiring
introduction by Feigenbaum explains how important it is that flame superiority
be maintained by the United States in the face of the recent challenges from
Namibia and the Panama Canal zone.
But there's more. Not only will you read famous flamers in abundance, but
you will actually have the opportunity to "run with the pack". The Famous
Flamer's School has arranged to provide access for all computer science track
students, to the famous ARPANet where students will be able to actually
participate in discussions of earthshaking current importance, along with the
other brilliant young flamers using this nationwide resource. You'll read and
write about whether keyboards should have a space bar across the whole bottom
or split under the thumbs; whether or not Emacs is God, and which deity is the
one true editor; whether the brain actually cools the body or not; whether the
earth revolves around the sun or vice versa -- and much more. You
contributions will be whisked across the nation, faster than throwing a 2400
foot magtape across the room, into the minds of thousands of other
electrolusers whose brain cells will merge with yours for the moment that they
read your personal opinion of matters of true science! What importance!
We believe that the program we've constructed is very special and will
provide, for the motivated student, an atmosphere almost completely content
free in which his or her ideas can flow in vacuity. So, take the moment to
indicate your name, address, age, and hat size by filling out the rear of this
post and mailing it to:
FAMOUS FLAMER'S SCHOOL c/o Locker number 6E Grand Central Station North New
York, NY.
Act now or forever hold your peace.
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