💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › humor › COMPUTER › elim2k captured on 2022-07-17 at 02:21:38.
⬅️ Previous capture (2022-06-12)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
ATTENTION BULLETIN BOARD SYSOPS:
Tired of those annoying breakins?
Had it up to HERE with people hacking your board?
Has your user account been stolen by some little dweebot that
cracked your system so many times you need a Cray to keep count?
Then you need . . .
The ELIMINATOR 2000 (tm), (c), (r)!
Yes, that's right . . . The ELIMINATOR 2000!
The Eliminator 2000 is a revolutionary device, about the size of a
small sports complex, brought to you by the makers of the Nuclear
Powered Potato Peeler, the Spam Fork, the 2-ton Potato Masher and the
Apathetic Grenade. Just insert the custom controller card into your
BBS computer, after reading the clear and concise 2,500 page randomly
numbered instruction manual written in Swahili, and the Eliminator
2000 is ready to protect your system. Its patented nuclear core
keeps your system operational and secure for approximately 1200
years.
At the slightest indication of a hacker attempting to break into your
BBS, the Eliminator 2000 snaps into action. After making a snapping
noise it traces the call to find out the location of the villain
(Note: only in areas that support CALLER ID). Then, upon discovering
the intruder's location, the Eliminator 2000 feeds the navigational
data into an internal ICBM with a modest nuclear warhead. The ICBM
is launched and system security is assured mere moments later when
the missile bathes the rapscallion with the soothing rays of a 5
kiloton nuclear explosion.
Thus our credo, which should be your credo:
"The only good hacker is an irradiated hacker."
If your area does not support Caller Id then the Eliminator 2000
takes the following actions:
1. It launches a 5 kiloton warhead anyway (in a random direction
ensuring that wherever it explodes there won't be anyone there
that could *ever* think of hacking your board).
2. The Eliminator 2000 will protect the security of your data by
sending a pulse of 3 trillion volts through your serial port,
melting all computer components (not to mention the desk it rests
on) into a multi-colored river of molten slag, assuring that the
hacker cannot get anything out of your BBS.
If you purchase the Ernie Molding attachment, when the slag cools, it
will press your BBS remains into an attractive paperweight.
Comes is five attractive colors.
Rush out and order your Eliminator 2000 today!
Price: $2,045.92
Ernie Molding Attachment: $1,095,762,032,172.57
Furnished with four 5 kiloton ICBMs at no additional charge.
* Does not work under any version of DOS above 1.2, Windows (like
anything does?) and Windows/NT.
Send cash, check or money order to:
Oppenheimer Industries
RD1 Box1a
Los Alamos, New Mexico 87544
Makes a great gift for that sysop who is so hard to shop for. {RAH}
--------------
Vincent B. Navarino is some wacko from Monroe, NY, and the SysOp of
The Particle Board III BBS (FidoNet 1:272/60). After finally being
released from a local psychiatric center, he seeks out captive
Twinkies in order to release them back into the wild. Sometimes he
falls to his knees and sobs uncontrollably for no apparent reason.
Rumor has it he has not kissed a girl in over two years.
(Editor's note: Vincent didn't actually write the preceding
advertisement. We just thought you'd like to know this stuff.)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Real computer scientists love the concept of users. Users are always
real impressed by the stuff computer scientists are talking about;
it sure sounds better than the stuff they are being forced to use
now.