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The SysOp's Guide to D00Dspeak
A phenomenon exists across the BBSs in this nation which makes it difficult
to understand a portion of the users on these systems. Where once English and
plain communication presided there now exists a growing vile undercurrent:
This scourge is D00Dspeak.
The world of computers contains jargon and babble that would confuse the
uninitiated, but this new lexicon of clever children can reduce even those in-
the-know to blathering idiots in short order. Before you can take the steps
to become fluent, you must understand it's origins:
* WHAT IS A D00D?
A dude is a computer user who has a modem and seeks to differentiate himself
from un-d00dz. Since the nature of BBS communications make it nearly
impossible to base prejudice against a user from external clues like
appearance, speech patterns, and general poise; d00dz provide the missing
plumage through "clever" misuse of the English language and the ASCII
character set.
* NATURE AND FEEDING HABITS
A d00d is typically a teenage computer user of often higher intelligence than
his non-computer peers. Though the very use of the computer tends to signify
the potential for higher-reasoning, this innate ability is discarded for the
motif of the carefree know-it-all-and-then-some user.
Physical characteristics are difficult to assimilate into one stereotype as
d00dz can be observed only via indirect means. D00dz are primarily active
during the 3 pm to 9:30 pm period during weekdays but may prowl at any time
during weekends and school holidays.
Secondary behavioral characteristics include, but are not limited to, in-
depth involvement with sociopathic fantasies, feigned homophobia, scathing
rebuttals to innocent enquiries by other users, preoccupation with the
construction of explosive devices, crude discussions of sexual activity and
genitalia, and base references to human excretory functions.
D00dz seem to draw sustenance only from fast-food franchises and solemnly
attest to their consumption of large volumes of alcoholic beverages.
Though often a d00d has no first-hand knowledge with going on a lost weekend,
it is not unusual to see one claim to have "gotten so wasted" as to not be
able to finish "the third bottle of 151". "Cafeteria" food seems to repel
d00dz, as they prefer to spend their lunch money on pizza and Big Macs.
* DISTINGUISHING A D00D FROM AN AVERAGE USER
D00dz have the ability to blend into the general user population if needed,
but sometimes forget their attempt at stealth. Though the d00d may not exude
blatant warning signs, subtle differences can be discovered upon careful
scrutiny.
A d00d is far from k00l if he doesn't have a "signature". It is nearly a
requisite that this signature contain several of the foreign characters found
in the IBM high-ASCII set. Examples:
#g#$t #$#r## ##r#+# M#s+#r (The !-k#r?
#!. |\|a#h-M D**P -hr/#! ##pt#a- !#r#
Advanced versions have animation, every color available via ANSI control
codes, and occupy 70% or better of the total message.
A d00d has the yearning desire to run a limited-access BBS for all his k00l
friends. Often these systems traffic only in pirated game software, erroneous
phreaking information, and text files describing various felonious acts. Due
to funding constraints, these BBSes are usually limited in hours to 10am until
10pm. But if you call "NOW!!!!!!" you can be a co-sysop. This is a big help
if you like to steal other user's passwords and home phone numbers.
D00dz tend to ignore (or misuse), punctuation leave incomplete sentences
"dangling, and; sometimes. Run-on sentences are also very favorite.
Sexual intercourse occupies a large portion of a d00d's higher brain
activity. Often a d00d will exaggerate about the sexual partners he has
"had", but when pressed for details will only respond with a meek "well, if
you don't know by now, I ain't gonna tell you..." In place of voluptuous
"babes - eager for it", a d00d will substitute every single XXX-rated .GIF
your BBS has available. Astute sysops will relabel Disney characters as:
BAMBI .GIF 720k : Awesome piece of meat who likes it in the woods!!!
BASHFUL .GIF 601k : One of seven hot, hot images - over 21 only!!!
GOOFY .GIF 422k : XXX - You've never seen it like this before!!!
Color is also a significant tip-off. If a user tends to use color for no
apparent purpose, chances are he is a d00d.
* DANGERS OF D00DZ
D00dz are intrinsically harmless to your computer and BBS. However, just as
barnacles on a ship impede it's progress, a d00d can cause your system to
become an electronic wasteland devoid of anything resembling stimulating
conversation.
Though your BBS will use the same amount of electricity whether or not a d00d
is monopolizing it, the purpose of most BBSes extends slightly beyond creating
a Romper Room for introverted teenagers. Every minute that a d00d spends on
your system is one less minute that an intelligent (or even literate) caller
could have utilized.
Further, d00dz tend to litter your hard disk with pirated and corrupt files,
pointless messages (sent in the hope of beating the post/call ratio), and
other sorts of tripe than can be the cause of hypertension and other SysOp
physical ailments.
Discouraging d00dz from calling and eliminating those who manage to call
anyway is a highly rewarding activity. Call-back user verification seems to
work wonders for this, but some SysOps may care to take a more active stance:
1> Randomly change user CTRL-x macros to user's real phone number.
2> Forward d00d's private mail to another d00d. Get a "conspiracy"
going with two against another. Works especially well with #1.
3> Periodically jiggle the phone on its cradle during long downloads.
4> Modify BBS source code to interpret "/S" as "/ABT" for certain
security levels. Assign d00dz this SL.
5> Set up a private sub that has lists of FBI phone numbers labeled
as "extender codez". Allow only d00dz to see it.
6> Send $1, in the d00dz real name, to an evangelical Christian fellowship.
Include his address, home phone number, and mention he is hospitalized
with a terminal illness and is going to be writing his will soon.
7> Set your BBS to make 4:30am d00d-check call during nightly routines.
8> Call d00d with your voice line every time you see him logged on to be
sure he figured out how to disable call waiting.
9> Randomly press F3 during d00d activity.
10> Create "AWESOME!!! on-line game" that subtracts 20 points from user's
security level. Have it send 300 ASCII "beeps" each time its run.
11> Delete any user with "Captain", "Agent", "Master", "Ninja" or numerals
as part of his name.
12> Modify editor to abort any message with more than two consecutive "!"s.
13> Modify editor to time out on any user who uses "sucks" more than twice.
14> Modify BBS to delete anyone who attempts to chat again after being told
"SysOp not available, use feedback instead".
15> Modify "Flashing Red" color sequence (CTRL-P, 7) to hang up on user.
D00dz are persistent. These techniques will not permanently deter a die-
hard, but time wounds all heels. Eventually, if you delay him enough, he will
reach late puberty and will spend more of his time asking his parents for car
keys than bothering you. This is the moment to savor - he has left your BBS
and will now spend the next two or three years resurfacing the streets with
rubber at each and every stoplight...
* THE LEXICON OF D00DSPEAK
filez This term refers to "files". D00dz have a fixation with the
letter "Z".
d00d The subject of this profile. Slightly higher than goldfish in
attention span.
k00l Refers to the relative acceptance level of an idea or object.
Also provides clues as to how many "babez" the d00d has "had".
l8tr Refers to a time in the future. Typically disguises d00d's age.
welp Babies are born, birds are hatched, d00dz are welped.
elite A misnomer that suggests special privileges. Often allows
access to all 71 disks of Leisure Suit Larry XXIII.
phreaking A special method whereby d00dz can involve their parents in
the hobby by having men in grey sedans follow the parents
everywhere.
codez Another "Z" term. Refers to special symbols and incantations
a d00d may use to encourage the men in the grey sedans to
arrive faster, in larger numbers, and bearing litigation.
PBX Private Branch Exchange. Assists d00dz in spending 126 hours
hacking library card catalog systems.
BTW By The Way. Often used as shorthand by "power-d00dz".
duz (that mean something?)
(sys)'OP Refers to the person who provides free babysitting for d00dz.
warez Special software that is commercially sold and stolen by
d00dz. Typically a video game, often missing vital portions.
yo! The preamble to any sentence a d00d speaks.
awesome The adjective to any sentence a d00d speaks.
!(!!!!!!) The postscript qualifier to any d00d sentence that contains
more than one word.
. Hypothetical - but never observed - postscript qualifier to
a d00d sentence.
* Special d00d color. Possibly religious symbolism.
ATH0 The "final solution" for the vile scourge of d00dspeak.