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Collection of One-Liners
Programmers get overlaid.
People with narrow minds usually have broad
tongues.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's
perfect, why practice?
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
He who hesitates is last.
A man's house is his hassle.
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more
eggs.
Charlie was a chemist, but Charlie is no more.
What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
Reality is for people who can't face science
fiction.
Shift to the left, shift to the right, mask in,
mask out,
BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
Wernher von
Braun settled
for a V-2 when
he coulda had
a V-8.
A mouse is an
elephant built
by the
Japanese.
Go climb a
gravity well.
A man's best
friend is his
dogma.
A penny saved
is ridiculous.
Health is
merely the
slowest
possible rate
at which one
can die.
Every
interesting
program has at
least one
variable, one
branch,
and one
loop..........
And at least
one bug!
No problem is
so formidable
that you can't
just walk away
from it.
Chemistry
professors
never die,
they just
smell that way!
The problem
with the gene
pool is that
there is no
lifeguard.
Schizophrenia
beats being
alone.
To err is
human, to
forgive is
against
company policy.
Jesus Saves
Vishnu
invests.
If you have
nothing to do,
don't do it
here.
Old musicians
never die,
they just
decompose.
We have a
equal
opportunity
Calculus class
-- it's fully
integrated.
Never play
leapfrog with
a unicorn!
Atheism is a
non-prophet
organization.
An elephant is
a mouse built
to Mil-spec.
He who always
plows a
straight
furrow is in a
rut.
When you're up
to your hips
in alligators,
You forget
the original
project was to
drain the
swamp.
Everyone is
entitled to my
opinion.
Help stamp out
and abolish
redundancy!
Be a better
psychiatrist
and the world
will beat
a psychopath
to your door.
He who steps
on others to
reach the top
has good
balance.
You scratch my
tape, and I'll
scratch yours.
May all your
PUSHes be
POPed.
COLE's LAW -
Thinly sliced
cabbage.
Do married
women make the
best wives?
Three can keep
a secret, if
two are dead.
Morfy's law -
Enythink thit
ken go rong
willl.
Then there was
the Formosan
bartender
named Taiwan-
On.
He who laughs
last is
probably your
boss.
Orcs really
aren't so bad
(if you use
lots
of
catsp)
.
It
is
hard
to
fly with
the eagls
When
you work
with
the
turkys.
Basi
is
a
high
leve
langish.
Pruns
give
you a
run for your
mone.
Eat prun
yogut
for that
"get
up
and go" feelng.
More
peope
have
died
in
Tedd
Kenndy's
car than
in
nuclar
powe
plans.
Teacers
have
clas.
Foun
on
a
door
in
the MSU musi
builing:
This
door
is
barouen,
pleae
wigge
Handl.
(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
Physicists get hadrons.
Female programmers get their bits twiddled.
Constants aren't; variables don't.
You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Depart in pieces.... i.e., Split.
Next time, give "the gift that keeps on giving": a female kitten.
Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
On the wall of the women's restroom on the Enterprise:
"Where no man has gone before"
Celibacy is NOT hereditary.
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Neuroses are red,
Melancholia's blue.
I'm schizophrenic,
What are you?
Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
Open it and you remove all doubt.
Grass is nature's way of saying "High!"
Acid consumes 47 times its weight in excess reality.
Money is the root of all wealth.
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Remember, the fact that you're paranoid
doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you!
Men have many faults,
Women only two:
Everything they say,
And everything they do!
Happiness is twin floppies.
Happiness is a hard disk.
Teamwork is vital!
(It gives you someone to blame.)
Keep America Beautiful.... emigrate.
If all men were brothers,
would you let one marry your sister?
Chemists really know their bismuth.
If everything is coming your way,
you're in the wrong lane!
The expert is a person who avoids the small errors as he
sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
Documentation is the castor oil of programming ...
Managers know it must be good because the programmers
hate it so much.
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its
capacity - the rest is overhead for the operating system.
The bearing of a child takes nine months,
no matter how many women are assigned to the project.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
Eschew Obfuscation!
Are movies about Vulcans Pathe-logical?
Recursive, adj.; see Recursive
An expert is someone from out of town.
Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
Poverty begins at home.
Do it today,
Tomorrow it will be illegal.
Postmen never die,
they just lose their zip.
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
Whom computers would destroy,
they must first drive insane.
It's better to copulate than never!
A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes.
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.
Clones are people two.
Microwaves frizz your heir.
God did not create the world in seven days.
He partied for six and then pulled an all-nighter.
When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
To make tax forms true they should read "Income Owed Us" and
Incommode You".
Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stray.
We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy!
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
There's no future in time travel.
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
Confucious say too damn much!
Reality does not exist - yet.
Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.
Never leave anything to chance;
make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
Small programs are for small minds.
I BM. You BM.e all BM for IBM!
Satyrs
have
more
faun.
Cobol
programmers
are
down
in
the
dumps.
Lawyers
do
it
in
their
briefs.
Two
can
live
as
cheaply
as
one,
for
half
as
long.
Things
worth
having
are
worth
cheating
for.
Psychiatrists
stay
on
your
mind.
Mrs.
Ghandi
is
in
a
sari
state.
Raise
ducks
for
quack
profit.
Part-
time
musicians
are
semiconductor.
It
is
impossible
to
make
anything
foolproof
because
fools
are
so
ingenious.
Interchangeabe
parts
won't.
A
conclusion
is
simply
the
place
where
you
got
tired
of
thinking.
In
which
level
of
metalanguage are
you
now
speaking?
Counting
in
octal
is
just
like
counting
in
decimal,
if
you
don't
use
your
thumbs.
Counting
in
binary
is
just
like
counting
in
decimal,
if
you
are
all
thumbs.
We
don't
really
understand
it,
so
we'll
give
it
to
the
programmers.
Confession
is
good
for
the
soul,
but
bad
for
your
career.
The
concept
seems
to
be
clear
by
now.
It
has
been
defined
several
times
by
example
of
what
it
is
not.
APL
is
a
write
only
language:
You
can
write
programs
in
it;
but
try
and
read
them!
Wisdom
is
knowing
what
to
do
with
what
you
know.
Never
put
off
'til
tomorrow
what
you
can
avoid
altogether.
He
who
puts
his
nose
to
the
grindstone
is
a
bloody
fool.
The
devil
finds
work
for
idle
glands.
A
friend
in
need
is
a
pest
indeed.
Genius
is
ten
percent
inspiration
and
fifty
percent
capital
gains.
He
who
trains
his
tongue
to
quote
the
learned
sages
will
be
known,
far
and
wide,
as
a
smart-
ass.
Two
is
company,
three
is
an
orgy.
He
who
uses
bad
language
is
an
ignorant
schmuck.
Women
should
be
obscene
and
not
heard.
Do
unto
others
before
they
undo
you.
Love
thy
neighbor,
but
make
sure
her
husband
is
away
first!
Money
is
the
root
of
all
evil,
and
man
needs
roots.
The
best
things
in
life
are
for
a
fee.
He
who
is
flogged
by
fate
and
laughs
the
louder
is
a
masochist.
If
all
the
girls
at
Vassar
were
laid
end
to
end
I
wouldn't
be
suprised!
Pilots
are
just
plane
folks.
Carpenters
are
just
plane
folks.
Midwest
farmers
are
just
plain
folks.
Musicians are just playin' folks.
Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
You can fool some of the people all of the time,
and all of the people some of the time,
but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Be alert, America needs more lerts.
Joseph Stalin's grave was a Communist Plot.
No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
Winning isn't everything, but then losing is nothing.
Engineers do it precisely. Technicians do it a lot.
Computer Engineers do it bit by bit.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa.
Remember, the paper is always strongest at the perforations.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Smile! It makes people wonder what you've been up to.
Smile! Things can only get worse.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance.
There are two kinds of people in this world:
Those that want to BE something,
and those that want to DO something.
(There is less competition in the second category.)
Vice Versa - poems about brothels?
Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
Give a speculator an inch and he'll build a condo.
Call the Visionary's Hide-Away! ({->
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