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ANOTHER F.I.S.H. F.I.L.E.
" KILL ME, I'M ON FIRE"
VANDALISM VOLUME 1 "THE GUY NEXT DOOR"
BY PUNK ROCK GIRL
IS THERE THAT ONE ANNOYING PERSON THAT YOU HATE A LOT AND YOU
WANT TO KILL? ARE TOO MUCH OF A HUMAN BEING TO KILL THEM?
!GET EVEN!
1) LET US DISCUSS THE FUN OF DOOR BELL DITCHING (DBD). DBD IS NOT
JUST A STUPID CHILDISH GAME. IT IS A TOOL OF VENGEANCE ON A
PERSON WHO NEEDS TO BE TAUGHT A LESSON. THERE IS THE COMMON "
RING AND RUN " THAT CAN BE USED AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING AND THEN
THERE IS THE CREATIVE STUFF!
A) STEAL OR SOMEHOW PROCURE A LARGE TRASH CAN. ARE THOSE CITY
ISSUE BIG GREEN ONES 50 GALLONS? THOSE WORK ESPECIALLY WELL.
B) FILL IT A LITTLE MORE THAN HALF FULL WITH WATER
C) PUT LOTS OF NASTY THINGS IN IT THAT FLOAT. ROAD KILL IS MY
FAVORITE. HOW ABOUT BULL $#!? ? YOU CAN BUY THIS AT ANY STORE.
THEY CALL IT FERTILIZER BUT WE KNOW BETTER! POUR IN A BIG BAG OF
THAT STUFF AND STIR IT UP. YUMMY!!
D) I LIKE TO LEAVE A FUN MESSAGE IN THE CAN JUST TO SAY I LOVE
YOU. MAKE SURE IT IS NOTHING INCRIMINATING!
E) WHEEL THAT BIG OL' TRASH CAN O' FUN RIGHT UP TO THE DOOR OF
THE TARGET HOUSE AND TIP IT AGAINST THE DOOR SO THAT IT IS
LEANING IN ON THE DOOR.
F) RING
G) RUN
THE TRASH CAN WILL TIP INWARD WHEN THEY OPEN THE DOOR AND SPILL
ALL OVER THEIR IMMACULATE HOME. OF COURSE YOU MADE SURE THE DOOR
OPENED INWARD FIRST. HA HA HA HA!
A GOOD VANDAL KNOWS HOW TO PLAY IT SAFE! HERE ARE A FEW RULES TO
FOLLOW:
1. NEVER! EVER! RETURN TO THE SCENE OF A CRIME! NO MATTER HOW
MUCH YOU WANT TO SEE THE LOOK ON HIS FACE OR HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO
LAUGH AT HIM DON'T LOOK BACK OR RETURN! ODDS ARE, THE POLICE WILL
BE WAITING FOR YOU!
2. ALWAYS WEAR GLOVES AND DON'T BLEED ON ANYTHING! BLOOD IS AN
EXTREMELY TRACEABLE PART OF YOU.
3. TIME YOURSELF RIGHT. DOING A TRASH CAN DBD IN BROAD DAYLIGHT
IS STUPID! THEN AGAIN DOING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT IS TOO
SINCE THE PERSON WON'T EVEN OPEN THE DOOR, HE'LL BE IN BED.
4. PLAN AN ESCAPE ROUTE AHEAD OF TIME AND PRACTICE IT. MANY HAVE
BEEN THE TIMES I WAS CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WITH HALF
THE NEIGHBORHOOD CHASING ME AND I DIDN'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHERE TO
GO! OBVIOUSLY I MANAGED TO ESCAPE BUT THE RISKS ARE TO GREAT TO
" JUST RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN "
5. DON'T BE OBVIOUS. THOSE DICKHEADS YOU SEE SAYING " YEAH I
BROKE ALL THEIR WINDOWS AND ALL THEN I HIT THE GUY THAT ANSWERED
THE DOOR RIGHT IN THE FACE " NEVER DID ANY OF THE CRAP. IF HE DID
HE WOULD BE TELLING IT TO HIS BUDDIES IN JAIL. AFTER VANDALISM,
ESCAPE AND THEN DON'T GO HOME! GO TO A MOVIE OR SOMETHING. MOVIES
MAKE GREAT ALIBIES SINCE NOBODY CAN SEE YOU ANYWAY, ITS TOO DARK
IN THOSE THEATERS! JUST TELL MOM AND DAD YOU SAW "FIVEL SCREWS
THE POOCH" AND THEN CAME STRAIGHT HOME!
6. SHUT UP! DON'T TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU DID. PEOPLE TALK AND THINGS
GET AROUND. TRUST ME I'VE BEEN BACKSTABBED ONCE TOO MANY.
7. GET AN ALIBI! I ALREADY TALKED ABOUT THAT.
8. DON'T UNDER ESTIMATE THE POLICE. IN SMALL TOWNS ANYTHING IS
POSSIBLE. IN HUGE CITIES ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. THE POLICE MAY BE
A BUNCH OF COCKS BUT THEY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING AND THEY WOULD
LIKE NOTHING BETTER THAN TO SEE A YOUNG ANARCHIST GO TO JAIL.
9. NEVER DRIVE! CARS ARE THE SINGLE EASIEST WAY TO TRACE A VANDAL
ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH. THAT'S WHAT LICENSE PLATES WERE
INVENTED FOR. IF YOU'RE GONNA DO SOMETHING EVIL: WALK!!!
10. DON'T USE SOMETHING PEOPLE WILL MISS. IF ITS NOT YOUR TRASH
CAN WHO CARES! BUT IF ITS YOUR DADS DON'T YOU THINK HE WILL MISS
IT? DON'T UNDERESTIMATE PARENTS! THEY ARE 100% EVIL.
WELL NOW THAT THE RULES TO STAYING ALIVE ARE DOWN LETS DISCUSS
ANOTHER FACET TO VANDALISM. TOILET PAPERING IS AN INCREDIBLY
CHEAP WAY TO DRIVE SOMEBODY INSANE. AN ADDED BONUS IS THE FACT
THAT THE POLICE COULD CARE LESS ABOUT TOILET PAPERING!
TOILET PAPERING IS AN ART FORM. YOU DON'T JUST CHUCK TOILET PAPER
ALL OVER THE PLACE. YOU TAKE THE TIME TO DO IT RIGHT:
A) WEAR BLACK CLOTHING
B) MAKE SURE EVERYBODY IS SLEEPING OR AWAY FOR A LONG TIME
C) TAKE AS MUCH TOILET PAPER AS YOU CAN WITHOUT LOOKING
CONSPICUOUS. I LIKE TO CARRY IT IN A TRASH BAG.
D) TAKE AT LEAST FIFTY ROLLS OR DON'T BOTHER AT ALL. SAVING UP
AND LOOKING FOR SALES AT RALEYS USUALLY SPEEDS ME ALONG.
E) BE SILENT. DO I REALLY HAVE TO SAY THIS?
F) DOGS? NO PROBLEM! GET 4 NYTOL ( THIS NUMBER SHOULD BE ADJUSTED
ACCORDING TO SIZE OF DOG.) STICK THEM INTO A BIG YUMMY HUNK O'
MEAT AND GIVE TO OLD FIDO. GIVE HIM 30 MINUTES AND HE'LL BE OUT
LIKE A LIGHT.
G) USE ONE ROLL ON EVERY TREE THEY HAVE. START FAR AWAY AND
SLOWLY WORK TOWARDS THE HOUSE. MUMMIFY EACH TREE WELL. IF YOU ARE
HAVING TROUBLE GETTING IT TO STICK JUST USE SYRUP. ITS GROSS
BROWN STICKY AND ATTRACTS MAJOR ANTS AND OTHER ANNOYING INSECTS.
POUR SYRUP ALL OVER THE TREE THEN TOILET PAPER IT.
F) IF YOU USE SYRUP WASH YOUR HANDS IN THEIR POOL OR SOMETHING OR
YOU WILL STICK TO YOUR NEXT ROLL AND GET ALL MESSY.
G) STUFF PAPER INTO EVERY HOLE YOU CAN FIND. I MAKE IT A POINT
NOT TO STUFF IT INTO DRYER VENTS CAUSE IT COULD CAUSE THE HOUSE
TO BURN DOWN, UNLESS YOU WANT THIS. I FIND THAT THOSE BIG POPUP
SPRINKLERS DON'T FUNCTION WELL THE NEXT DAY WHEN HALF A ROLL OF
TOILET PAPER HAS BEEN SHOVED INTO THEM AND THEN PACKED DOWN.
H) THE VERY LAST THING YOU WANT TO DO IS 1 TOILET PAPER THE HOUSE
OR 2 THROW PAPER IN THE TREES. OPTION 1 IS GOOD BECAUSE IT SHOWS
THAT YOU ARE BRAVE AND IT MAKES THEM FELL STUPID THINK THAT THEY
SLEPT WHILE YOU WERE ALL OVER THEIR HOUSE. UNFORTUNATELY BEING
THIS CLOSE TO A HOUSE CAN CAUSE THEM TO WAKE UP. YOU MAY DECIDE
TO THROUGH TOILET PAPER INTO THE TREES. THIS IS GOOD BECAUSE IT
IS RELLY HARD TO GET OUT. IT ALSO MAKES TONS OF NOISE SO YOU
WOULD WANT TO DO IT LAST. IT IS REALLY UNWISE TO DO 2&1 SINCE THE
PERSON COULD BE AWAKENED BY YOUR NOISE. THEN YOU WALK UP TO THE
FRONT DOOR TO TOILET PAPER SOME MORE AND THEY HAVE YOU!
IF YOU MUST, DO THE FRONT DOOR FIRST AND THEN GO FOR THE TREE
TOPS.
I) ESCAPE
YOU SHOULD HAVE YOUR PLAN WORKED OUT IN ADVANCE TO PREVENT
ANYTHING FROM GOING WRONG.
IM GOING TO EAT DINNER NOW BUT THIS F.I.L.E. WILL CONTINUE IN A
MOMENT!
THERE, IM BACK. BOY THAT WAS SICKENING! DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT
FOOD AS A VANDALISM TOOL?
A) GO INTO THE KITCHEN WHEN MOM ISN'T HOME
B) GRAB ALL THE OLD MOLDY BREAD HIDDEN WAY IN THE BACK, GRAB
EVERYTHING NOBODY USES AND TAKE IT
C) BE CAREFUL NOT TO TAKE TOO MUCH CAUSE IT IS NOTICEABLE WHEN
HALF THE PANTRY IS GONE. GET LOTS OF GARLIC
D) GET A BIG 10 GALLON BUCKET ( OR IS IT FIVE? I CANT REMEMBER! )
E) POUR IT ALL IN AND STIR WELL
F) PISS IN IT. YES PISS IN IT THE URIC ACID HELPS TO ROT IT
FASTER ESPECIALLY IF YOU ADDED EGGS
G) SCOOP SOME INTO A COFFEE CAN AND PUT IT ON THE STOVE. I USE A
PORTABLE HEATING ELEMENT CAUSE WHEN IT COOKS, THIS STUFF IS BAD!
H) PUT A LID ON IT AND CARRY OVER TO MR. PERSONS HOUSE
I) YOU ARE FACED WITH A CHOICE:
-DUMP IT ON HIS BIG FAT FRONT PORCH AND GIVE HIM A RING ( OR JUST
LET IT SIT AND ROT)
-HIDE IT SOMEPLACE WHERE IT WILL ROT REALLY BAD LIKE IN THE
CORNER OF THE GARAGE
-POUR IT ON THE BIG MACHINE THAT SUCKS AIR IN FROM THE OUTSIDE TO
COOL THE HOUSE. ITS THE BIG THING OUTSIDE WITH THE FAN IN IT.
JUST DUMP IT IN ! WHEN THE FAN IS OFF ! ( OR MAYBE NOT AS IT
WOULD BE FUN TO SEE THE SHIT SPLATTER WHEN IT HITS THE FAN ) HA!
NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF POOL ACID! JUST GO TO YOUR LOCAL
POOL SUPPLY STORE AND BUY A BIG JUG OF MURIATIC ACID. THIS IS
JUST THE FANCY WAY OF SAYING HYDROCLORIC ACID WATERED DOWN! JUST
TELL THE IDOIT WHO SELLS IT TO YOU THAT YOUR DAD NEEDS IT FOR THE
POOL BECAUSE YOURE HAVING AN ALGEA ATTACK OR SOMETHING. BE
CAREFUL THIS STUFF CAN EAT YOUR LITTLE FLESH OFF BEFORE YOU CAN
SAY " OH MY, MY FLESH IS BEING EATEN OFF."
TAKE YOUR NEW PRIZE HOME AND POUR SOMETHING FUN INTO IT LIKE A
BIG BOTTLE OF SULFER. YOU CAN BUY SULFER AT YOUR LOCAL GARDENING
STORE. IT HAS MANY FANCY NAMES BUT JUST LOOK FOR SOMETHING THAT
KILLS FUNGUS AND READ THE INGREDIENTS. IT WILL USUALLY SAY
SOMETHING STUPID LIKE
CONTAINS:SULFUR 99%
INERT INGREDIENTS 1%
GET THIS STUFF ITS GOOD. IF IT HAS ANYTHING ELSE IN IT IT'S OK,
JUST MAKE SURE ITS AT LEAST 89% SULFUR. BY THE WAY HOW DO YOU
SPELL SULFER? DAMN I HATE THAT WORD!
I HAVENT ACTUALLY TRIED THIS BUT YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN.
OH BY THE WAY, DON'T BREATH THE WHITE FUMES THAT COME OUT WHEN
YOU OPEN THE JUG! ITS ACID VAPOR AND IT BURNS YOU LUNGS AND YOUR
EYES AND NOSE AND EVRYTHING ELSE. THIS STUFF EATS THROUGH
EVERYTHING SO JUST DUMP IT ON SOMETHING AND SIZZLE AWAY!
LETS LOOK AT DRY ICE:
DRY ICE IS USUALLY ABOUT $1 OR $2 A POUND, IS USUALLY SOLD IN 5
POUND BLOCKS AND IT EASY TO GET. EVERY FISHING STORE HAS IT AND
SAFEWAY OR ONE OF THOSE BIG RALEYS TYPE STORES SHOULD HAVE IT
TOO. UNFORTUNATLY DUE TO MISUSE ( HE HE HE) MOST PLACES WANT YOU
TO BE 18 TO BUY IT. JUST LIE TO YOUR MOM OR DAD AND GET THEM TO
BUY YOU SOME. I GET MINE FROM THOSE IDIOTS THAT DON'T KNOW ITS
AGAINST THE LAW TO SELL IT TOO ME AND THE PROBLY DON'T CARE SINCE
THEY DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH ( ARABS ).
JUST GET A POUND OF THIS AND KEEP IT IN THE FREEZER 'TILL YOU
NEED IT.
DRY ICE BOMB
MATERIALS:
-PLASTIC 2 LITER SODA BOTTLE ( GLASS SODA BOTTLE IF YOU ARE
INSANE )
- BOTTLE OR TWO OF RED CLOTHING DYE
- A POUND OF DRY ICE
-A BOTTLE OF WARM WATER
1. BASH THE HELL OUT OF THE DRY ICE UNTIL YOU GET CHUNKS THAT FIT
INTO THE BOTTLE. DON'T MAKE THEM REALLY SMALL. DONT PUT THE ICE
INTO THE BOTTLE YET.
2. PUT THE DRY ICE INTO A BROWN PAPER BAG AND WRAP IT IN
NEWSPAPERS REALLY WELL.
3. PUT ALL OF YOUR MATERIALS INTO A BAG AND CARRY IT TO THE
VICTIMS HOUSE.
6. GO UP TO THE FRONT DOOR
5. TAKE OUT YOUR DRY ICE HUNKS AND CRAM THEM INTO YOUR BOTTLE.
6. POUR THE DYE INTO THE BOTTLE.
7. POUR WATER INTO THE BOTTLE ABOUT 1/3 OF THE WAY FULL AND CRAM
ON THE LID AS FAST AS YOU CAN. THE BOMB CAN GO OFF AT ANYTIME AND
KILL YOU. IF YOU USED GLASS YOU WILL PROBLY DIE. IF YOU USED
PLASTIC IT TAKES ABOUT A MINUTE TO GO OFF BUT NEVER EVER GO NEAR
IT! UNTIL IT GOES OFF! IT WILL, IT JUST TAKES TIME!
8. I FIND THAT IF I SHOOT IT WITH A BB GUN IF IT DOESN'T GO OFF
IN FIVE MINUTES IT EXPLODES WELL.
9. THE BLAST WILL BE QUITE HUGE AND IT WILL SPLATTER RED DYE ALL
OVER THE HOUSE. IT WILL ALSO BE INCREDIBLY NOISY LIKE A GUN SHOT
SO RUN.
IF THEY HAVE A POOL OR BETTER YET A HOTTUB THEN PERFORM STEPS 1-6
IN A BOTTLE. JUST DROP THE BOTTLE INTO THE WATER AND JAM! THE
WATER ON THE OUTSIDE WILL MAKE IT GO OFF DEFINATELY! NO BB GUN
NEEDED! JUST RUN. IF YOU DROP IT INTO A HOTTUB YOU HAVE ABOUT 20
SECONDS TO GET THE HELL OUT BEFORE YOUR DEAD. THE HOT WATER MELTS
THE ICE SO FAST IT BLOWS UP THE BOTTLE IN NO TIME AT ALL. IF YOU
USE GLASS THEN MAXIMUM DAMAGE IS GUARANTEED!
IM GOING TO BED NOW. IM TIRED.
WELL ITS A NEW DAY! I'LL CONTINUE NOW.....
DO YOUR NEIGHBOORS HAVE PETS? ARE YOU TOO HUMANE TO JUST GRAB
THEM AND SNAP THEIR NECKS LIKE TWIGS? WELL THEN THE FOLLOWING IS
FOR YOU!
1. KIDNAP FLUFFY ( THAT'S THE CAT)
2. PUT FLUFFY IN A LARGE BAG AND SWING IT AROUND 50 TIMES
3. OPEN THE BAG AND LET OUT THE CAT
4. THE ANIMAL IS USUALLY SO DIZZY IT JUST FALLS OVER. THIS IS
GOOD FOR A LAUGH