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...presents... Quadro-Pounder
by Drunkfux
01/01/1997-#329
__//////\ -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc- /\\\\\\__
Est. 1984 \\\\\\/ xXx BOW to the COW xXx \////// Est. 1984
__ _ _ __ _ _ __ _ _ __ _ _ __
|__heal_the_sick__raise_the_dead__cleanse_the_lepers__cast_out_demons__|
As I pulled up to the McDonald's drive-thru and gazed at the death-
infested menu which was so obviously responsible for breast cancer,
arthritis, Erik Estrada, racism, and every tragedy in the last 9,000,000
years, I had a change of heart. Instead of my usual "Can I have a #3 combo
with a Coke, please?" I shouted, "Y0 B1TCH! I WANT A FUKN QUADRO-P0UNDER
W1TH N0 FUKN VEGETABULZ 0R SH1T THAT GR0WZ 0N TREEZ!"
"Ok sir, you wanted a Quarter Pounder, just plain, is that correct?"
"N0 B1TCH! I ZED I WANTED A FUKN QUADR0-P0UNDER! GET IT R1TE 0R DIE!"
I hear quiet laughter through the speaker. "A what pounder?!"
"A FUKN QUADR0-P0UNDER!"
"Uh... I don't think we have that. Are you sure you don't mean a
Quarter Pounder?"
"N0 I D0N'T MEEN A FUKN MEEZLY AZZ QUARTUR P0UNDER! HERE'Z WHAT I WANT,
2 FUKN D0UBLE QUARTER P0UNDERZ PUT T0GETHER 2 MAKE 1 QUADR0-P0UNDER!"
"Ooohhh... you want *2* Double Quarter Pounders then?"
"N0 B1TCH! I WANT 1 FUKN QUADR0-P0UNDER! TAKE THE 2 D0UBLEZ, PUT THEM
T0GETHUR AND GIV ME 1 QUADR0! U G0T IT YET BRAINIAK?"
An employee peeks out from the back entrance. "Oh! Ok... I think we
can do that. Would you like cheese on that?"
"FUK N0 B1TCH! I WANT 4 H0T SLABZ 0F C0W DETH 0N A BUN WITH N0 FUKING
HIPPIE AZZ VEGETABULZ! I ALZ0 D0NT WANT ANY FUKING LAME VEGAN FRIEZ 0R ANY
TYPE 0F RECYKULD PAKAGING. N0 KUP, N0 BAG, N0 WRAPPERZ... PUT THE SHIT 0N
THE WIND0W K0UNTER THING AND I WILL TAKE IT!"
"Uh...."
"FUK IT & GIMME THAT WHICH IZ THE S0URCE 0F ALL EVIL... N0W!"
"Thank you. Please drive to the second window."
For the record, I got my fucking Quadro-Pounder and it r0cked. I am
faxing McDonald's tomorrow and demanding that this awesome item be
permanently added to every McDonald's menu around the world.
DETH IZ IMMINENT. THE EARTH MUZT DIE. GIVE US WHAT WE WANT 0R BE
PREPARED T0 FACE THE WRATH.
.-. _ _ .-.
/ \ .-. ((___)) .-. / \
/.ooM \ / \ .-. [ x x ] .-. / \ /.ooM \
-/-------\-------/-----\-----/---\--\ /--/---\-----/-----\-------/-------\-
/lucky 13\ / \ / `-(' ')-' \ / \ /lucky 13\
\ / `-' (U) `-' \ /
`-' the original e-zine `-' _
Oooo eastside-westside / ) __
/)(\ ( \ WORLDWIDE / ( / \
\__/ ) / Copyright (c) 1997 cDc communications and the author. \ ) \)(/
(_/ Award-winning CULT OF THE DEAD COW is a trademark of oooO
cDc communications, PO Box 53011, Lubbock, TX, 79453, USA. _
oooO All rights reserved. Edited by Swamp Ratte'. __ ( \
/ ) /)(\ / \ ) \
\ ( \__/ Save yourself! Go outside! Do something! \)(/ ( /
\_) "THE COW WALKS AMONGST US" Oooo