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(U) (U)
A GNU CHRISTMAS STORY
by Franken Gibe
>>> A CULT Publication......1987 <<<
-cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-
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Leroy was a very young, very special gnu. He lived in a wonderfully verdant
piece of Africa, where blue skies stretched oceanically above the mottled
earth. Leroy had vision. Leroy knew he was more than a gnu, more than another
hors d'oeuvre for the savage African carnivores...Leroy felt this, in his
heart, a heart which pulsed with the gamey crimson blood of the Wild.
It was 90 degrees that fine December day. Christmas was in the air.
The starving nubian families could be seen across the veldt, preparing their
Christmas dinners, making their traditional mud pies and locust broquettes.
Leroy wore a happy yuletide smile on his bearded chin. Christmas is a gnu's
favorite time of year. Yet, as the hot winter sun fell slowly across the vast
powder blue sky, Leroy noticed a strange thing. A little boy sat in his
earthen hut, staring at the aluminum Christmas tree...the tree was unlit, and
silvery tears dribbled down his sun-blackened face.
'What's wrong, young person of the veldt?' Leroy the Gnu sympathetically
querried. Yet, to the young person, Leroy's words sounded something like,
'Moorrrrrf G-nerggro?'
'What did you say?' replied the boy, which words to Leroy, in turn, sounded
something like...
'What did you say?'
Suddenly, Leroy felt the itch of the wild, and all the yearnings of his young
life became focused on the fine young nubian. Leroy pounced, molesting and,
alas, killing the boy. Blood and sex juice glistened in the manifold mirrors
of the aluminum tree. Leroy felt like shit...suicidal in fact.
Later that night, the parents of the boy returned, their arms loaded with
Christmas presents, brightly wrapped and magically seasonal. To their horror,
they found their progeny stretched mutilated across the floor.
'This is a Gnu's work,' gasped the boy's father.
'A horny Gnu's work,' added his mother, tearfully.
Suddenly, as if aflame, the once dark Christmas tree blazed to life and light.The parental types fell on their knees in stunned amazement. There were no
electrical lines within 1200 miles of the family's hut. This was an
impossibility. Yet, not only did the two adults notice the lights, but heard a
kind of humming emanating from the back of their home. Father scurried from
the floor, and around back. What should he see but a Honda portable generator.
And an extension cord running into the hut.
'Shit,' the amazed man mubbled.
Now you may ask what became of the perverted, yet sorrowful Gnu.
In oppressing guilt, he had spent all his savings (accumulated over the years
from various gnu jobs) on a Honda generator. Yet, unable to afford fuel to run
the mighty generator, and in a gesture of total self-denial, Leroy squeezed
himself into the fuel tank. Thus did the aluminum yule tree glow, and thus did
Leroy give the greatest gift ever.
The End.
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(c)1987 cDc communications by FRANKEN GIBE 0/0/87-17
All Rights Worth Shit