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Top five regrets of the dying

2012-02-02 11:33:53

A nurse has recorded the most common regrets of the dying, and among the top

ones is 'I wish I hadn't worked so hard'. What would your biggest regret be if

this was your last day of life?

Susie Steiner

guardian.co.uk, Wed 1 Feb 2012 11.49 GMT

Blogpost

There was no mention of more sex or bungee jumps. A palliative nurse who has

counselled the dying in their last days has revealed the most common regrets we

have at the end of our lives. And among the top, from men in particular, is 'I

wish I hadn't worked so hard'.

Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in

palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She

recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which

gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called The

Top Five Regrets of the Dying.

Ware writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of

their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom. "When questioned about

any regrets they had or anything they would do differently," she says, "common

themes surfaced again and again."

Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Ware:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life

others expected of me.

"This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is

almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have

gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and

had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's

youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but

as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been

breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of

their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a

result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were

truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness

and resentment they carried as a result."

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until

their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had

become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships

slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving

friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their

friends when they are dying."

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that

happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The

so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as

their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to

their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh

properly and have silliness in their life again."

What's your greatest regret so far, and what will you set out to achieve or

change before you die?