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Stars, do I struggle with titles.
Anyway, the best time of the day or night to you all, I'm yet again here to muse. Or vent, we'll see how it goes. ~bartender, do you, by any chance, have Mickey Finn's apple liquor in your stock? I've been meaning to try it.
You know, despite being a teenager in the 00s, I've never found myself interested in, say, the emo subculture at the time. I was indeed a "weird" kid with enough angst and edginess to boot, and some of my online posts at the time horrify me slightly now, but that particular style of an emotional outlet never exactly stuck with me.
That was a very weird segway, but now, years later, I find myself in a somewhat similar situation. I have a lot of friends whose current position in life is more or less the same as mine (which is not that great, althougg definitely not completely awful either, we're mostly all very tired and slightly hopeless for an improvement), and their collective response to that struggle is... Different than mine.
And that wouldn't be the case for musing out loud at all - we're all different people, what's so surprising? - if it wasn't, like, almost everyone I knew. Including my own parents, too.
I've never been the one to understand...sadness? I mean, no, that's not the right thing to say, I experience it plenty, but I never understood making it, like...the core of it?
For a lot of people I see it seems like this: life is hard > you're sad > you're sulking. Or, say: self-doubt starts creeping in > you're upsetting yourself > sad time, no motivation to move on. Or, even: you gained weight > beauty standards suck/your fav jeans don't feet like they used to > refuse to go out at all.
I know and realize that for some the reason lies in very real mental problems like, say, depression.
But stars, do I feel like an asshole when trying to talk to them, 'cause my brain is just wired to...anger instead of sadness.
And I don't mean just the bad and destructive anger. For me it's all like.
You failed a test? Screw that test, it doesn't define your worth, and also screw your parents if they are abusive over it. You think people don't like how you look? Screw their opinions.
No money and no real job opportunities on the horizon? WHATEVER, I'll make it out somehow, I did get this far after all. No dating life in all these years? Oh well, THEIR LOSS, I can survive that and I'm of a firm belief that I'll meet my person in time.
And like. I'm not that optimistic of a person. I'm often tired, I'm terrified out of my mind for my future, so many things just feel hopeless!
But SOMEHOW it feels like so many people around me are sadly lying in pools of their own tears while I'm standing there in the middle ripping my shirt on my chest and yelling like an absolute dumbass who's physically unable to also lie down and stop despite having zero plans on how to get out of the pit.
And then trying to be a helpful friend I'm trying to poke everyone around me and get them to yell with me, and very often that feels like I'm underestimating their struggle? And maybe I am? Just 'cause I'm screaming and kicking doesn't mean I'm doing much better than all of them, my bloody knuckles can tell me that much.
Yet I'm, like, too stubborn? I'm sitting here, broke, because I insist on trying to make it in my highly underpaid profession instead of taking up something more profitable and I look incredibly stagnant to everyone around me, but like I got the damn principles and stuff, and this unexplainable optimism that says that Lady Luck will smile upon me any day now just because I yell so loudly.
And it's a weird spot where I don't want to be dismissive of my friends but also oh man the constant broodiness of everyone just weighs on me. My own mom cooks every day and does it very good and takes pride in it, and yet every time she serves food she talks negatively of it, how it must be oversalted or hard to chew. My friend hosted a DnD game for us and it was cut short by circumstances which distracted all of us, and instead of casually asking us what we think she just assumes we hated it and sulks. Like, girl, what.
And that's another thing about it, right? Being the positive one is tiring. There's only so many times I can try and cheer someone up before my resources dry up and instead of supportive I become angry. Good intentions, bad execution.
I fear one day I'll wake up to yet another collective "it all sucks" and I will just snap and, I dunno, explode.
I think I need a subculture that's a polar opposite of emo. With cool aesthetic and romantization of being stubborn yellers who choose to believe in a happy ending no matter what and resolve their unhealthy coping mechanisms through fighting things instead of hurting themselves.
(has anyone seen the Gurren Lagann anime, 'cause that's the kind of energy that I mean. Yeah, I wasn't an emo kid, I was a weeb kid. Kinda a weeb adult now, ngl).
ANYWAY, sorry not sorry if the ramble is kinda all over the place, it's two am and I just genuinely wish my friends and family weren't so sad despite the circumstances being hellbent on breaking them. Or at least that I had enough energy to support them all the way through.
We shall all make it, though, and the ending will be good. If there's anything I believe in with all my heart - it's that.
Peace and love to you, kind stranger, if you've read this far.
Most people in my position would have gone insane. Some people just can't get a solid win ever. My father seldom got angry; it was just impossible to get him to care about anything at all. Doesn't make for great personal relationships.
Most people in my position would have gone insane. Some people just can't get a solid win ever. My father seldom got angry; it was just impossible to get him to care about anything at all. Doesn't make for great personal relationships.
A couple things have been helpful to me in times of above-average concern/frustration/anger/depression:
1) Being literally, absolutely "here/now" by working at redirecting all straying attention/thoughts back to only what I can sense of my immediate surroundings this very moment. E.g., a thought strays to work or something idiotic someone else did or how the parents never seemed to be there when really needed... <abrupt phonograph needle across vinyl record grooves sound> NOPERS! Attention back to how the right sock isn't on completely straight, to that TV remote over there.. oh, look at the interesting reflection off its surface in and amongst its buttons! <thoughts to some shit from yesterday and/or apprehension about a too-mentally-vivid negative event> <BZZZT! MORE 'O THAT VINYL SOUND> Ahhh... so THAT'S where that pen has been! And what great timing of the Blue Jay landing on the weather vane! <thoughts about some really dumb shit in a reply from ~inquiry> <BZZZT!> Phone looks overly smudgey.. how did that stink bug get in? <but remaining here/now instead of theorizing about it>
2) My wife repeatedly telling me "you're not that different from everyone else", which lowers anguish from "HOW COME THIS SHIT HAPPENS TO ME AND ONLY ME AND NEVER ANYONE ELSE AND OH WHOA IS I/ME/MINE!" to "Hey, turns out I'm pretty normal after all!"
~tatterdemalion wrote (thread):
Ah, well, here's a song that bridges the sad-angry gap. Maybe you can enjoy it with a sad friend.
I'm a slow learner/dumb. Life has to kick me again and again and again for me to learn not to do something I want to do. I chase my dreams like a mad child, and when they don't work out, I make new dreams. But, though I'm not prone to depression, I do give in to the melancholy that humanity itself is sliding into feudalism. I'll be fine. My future kids will probably be fine. Their future kids might not though. And they'll be of many. That's what brings me down, the median trendline shifts ever low and could eventually drag us all down with it.
Hi ~rusty.
I think I know exactly what you mean. A lot of pessimism and negativity is annoying to me as well. It's definitely NOT an attack on the people it's coming from and mental illness, but would it hurt to at least try to be a little bit more positive? Have a little more confidence in yourself? Why do all of your sentences have it end in something negative? I'm definitely the type who gets more angry than sad these days. I like to believe in happy endings and that things will be alright in the end and I don't think there is anything wrong with that! I really value people who have a more positive outlook on life no matter how bleak some of our lives and situations may get. People who see the bright side in most situations are hard to come by these days, and I think they're very special people.
EITHER WAY, just leaving this comment here to let you know that you are definitely not alone in this line of thinking. I think your mindset does a lot more harm than good! Keep doing you!