💾 Archived View for library.inu.red › file › emma-goldman-marriage.gmi captured on 2023-01-29 at 09:33:20. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Title: Marriage Author: Emma Goldman Date: 18 July 1897 Language: en Topics: marriage, free love, anarcha-feminism, sex Source: https://jwa.org/media/goldmans-first-published-writing-on-subject-of-marriage-0. Proofread online source http://www.revoltlib.com/?id=4813, retrieved on July 4, 2020.
Marriage. How much sorrow, misery, humiliation; how many tears and
curses; what agony and suffering has this word brought to humanity. From
its very birth, up to our present day, men and women grown under the
iron yoke of our marriage institution, and there seems to be no relief,
no way out of it. At all times, and in all ages, have the suppressed
striven to break the chains of mental and physical slavery. After
thousands of noble lives have been sacrificed at the stake and on the
gallows, and others have perished in prisons, or at the merciless hands
of inquisitions, have the ideas of those brave heroes been accomplished.
Thus have religious dogmas, feudalism and black slavery been abolished,
and new ideas, more progressive, broader and clearer, have come to the
front, and again we see poor down trodden humanity fighting for its
rights and independence. But the crudest, most tyranical of all
institutions - marriage, stands firm as ever, and woe unto those who
dare to even doubt its sacredness. Its mere discussion is enough to
infuriate not only Christians and conservatives alone, but even
Liberals, Freethinkers, and Radicals. What is it that causes all these
people to uphold marriage? What makes them cling to this prejudice? (for
it is nothing else but prejudice). It is because marriage relations, are
the foundation of private property, ergo, the foundation of our cruel
and inhuman system. With wealth and superfluity on one side, crime on
the other, hence to abolish marriage, means to abolish everything above
mentioned. Some progressive people are trying to reform and better our
marriage laws. They no longer permit the church to interfere in their
matrimonial relations, others even go further, they marry free, that is
without the consent of the law, but, nevertheless, this form of marriage
is just as binding, just as "sacred", as the old form, because it is not
the form or the kind of marriage relation we have, but the thing, the
thing itself that is objectionable, hurtful and degrading. It always
gives the man the right and power over his wife, not only over her body,
but also over her actions, her wishes; in fact, over her whole life. And
how can it be otherwise? Behind the relations of any individual man and
woman to each other, stands the historical age evolved relations between
the two sexes in general, which have led up to the difference in the
position and privileges of the two sexes today. Two young people come
together, but their relation is largely determined by causes over which
they have no control. They know little of each other, society has kept
both sexes apart, the boy and the girl have been brought up along
different lines. Like Olive Schreiner says in her Story of an African
Farm "The boy has been taught to be, the girl to seem." Exactly; the boy
is taught to be intelligent, bright, clever, strong, athletic,
independent and selfreliant; to develop his natural faculties, to follow
his passions and desires. The girl has been taught to dress, to stand
before the looking glass and admire herself, to control her emotions,
her passions, her wishes, to hide her mental defects and to combine what
little intelligence and ability she has on one point, and that is, the
quickest and best way to angle a husband, to get profitably married. And
so it has come that the two sexes hardly understand each others nature,
that their mental interest and occupations are different. Public opinion
separates their rights and duties, their honor and dishonor very
strictly from each other. The subject of sex is a sealed book to the
girl, because she has been given to understand that it is impure,
immoral and indecent to even mention the sex question. To the boy it is
a book whose pages have brought him disease and secret vice, and in some
cases ruin and death. Among the rich class it has long been out of
fashion to fall in love. Men of society marry, after a life of
debauchery and lust, to build up their ruined constitution. Others again
have lost their capital, in gambling sports or business speculation, and
decide that an heiress would be just the thing they need, knowing well,
that the marriage tie will in no way hinder them from squandering the
income of their wealthy bride. The rich girl having been brought to be
practical and sensible, and having been accustomed to live, breathe,
eat, smile, walk and dress only according to fashion, holds out her
millions to some title, or to a man with a good social standing. She has
one consolation, and that is, that society allows more freedom of action
to a married woman and should she be disappointed in marriage she will
be in a position to gratify her wishes otherwise. We know, the walls of
boudoirs and salons are deaf and dumb, and a little pleasure within
these walls is no crime.
With the men and women among the working-class, marriage is quite a
different thing. Love is not so rare as among the upper class, and very
often helps both to endure disappointments and sorrows in life, but even
here the majority of marriages, last only for a short while, to be
swallowed up in the monotony of the every day life and the struggle for
existence. Here also, the workingman marries because he grows tired of a
bordinghouse life, and out of a desire to build a home of his own, where
he will find his comfort. His main object, therefor, is to find a girl
that will make a good cook and housekeeper; one that will look out only
for his happiness, for his pleasures; one that will look up to him as
her lord, her master, her defender, her supporter; the only ideal worth
while living for. Another man hopes that the girl he'll marry will be
able to work and help to put away a few cents for rainy days, but after
a few months of so called happiness he awakens to the bitter reality
that his wife is soon to become a mother, that she can not work, that
the expenses grow bigger, and that while he before managed to get along
with the small earning allowed him by his "kind" master, this earning is
not sufficient to support a family.
The girl who has spent her childhood, and part of her womanhood, in the
factory, feels her strength leaving her and pictures to herself the
dreadful condition of ever having to remain a shopgirl, never certain of
her work, she is, therefore, compelled to lookout for a man, a good
husband, which means one who can support her, and give her a good home.
Both, the man and the girl, marry for the same purpose, with the only
exception that the man is not expected to give up his individuality, his
name, his independence, whereas, the girl has to sell herself, body and
soul, for the pleasure of being someone's wife; hence they do not stand
on equal terms, and where there is no equality there can be no harmony.
The consequence is that shortly after the first few months, or to make
all allowance possible, after the first year, both come to the
conclusion that marriage is a failure.
As their conditions grow worse and worse, and with the increase of
children the woman grows despondent, miserable, dissatisfied and weak.
Her beauty soon leaves her, and from hard work, sleepless nights, worry
about the little ones and disagreement and quarrels with her husband,
she soon becomes a physical wreck and curses the moment that made her a
poor man's wife. Such a dreary, miserable life is certainly not inclined
to maintain love or respect for each other. The man can at least forget
his misery in the company of a few friends; he can absorb himself in
politics, or he can drown his misfortune in a glass of beer. The woman
is chained to the house by a thousand duties; she cannot, like her
husband, enjoy some recreation because she either has no means for it,
or she is refused the same rights as her husband, by public opinion. She
has to carry the cross with her until death, because our marriage laws
know of no mercy, unless she wishes to lay bare her married life before
the critical eye of Mrs. Grundy, and even then she can only break the
chains which tie her to the man she hates if she takes all the blame on
her own shoulders, and if she has energy enough to stand before the
world disgraced for the rest of her life. How many have the courage to
do that? Very few. Only now and then it comes like a flash of lightning
that some woman, like the Princess De Chimay, has had pluck enough to
break the conventional barriers and follow her heart's desire. But this
exception is a wealthy woman, dependent upon no one. The poor woman has
to consider her little ones; she is less fortunate than her rich sister,
and yet the woman who remains in bondage is called respectable: never
mind if her whole life is a long chain of lies, deceit and treachery,
she yet dares to look down with disgust upon her sisters who have been
forced by society to sell their charms and affections on the street. No
matter how poor, how miserable a married woman may be, she will yet
think herself above the other, whom she calls a prostitute, who is an
outcast, hated and despised by everyone, even those who do not hesitate
to buy her embrace, look upon the poor wretch as a necessary evil, and
some goody goody people even suggest to confine this evil to one
district in New York, in order to "purify" all other districts of the
city. What a farce! The reformers might as well demand that all the
married inhabitants of New York be driven out because they certainly do
not stand morally higher than the street woman. The sole difference
between her and the married woman is, that the one has sold herself into
chattel slavery during life, for a home or a title, and the other one
sells herself for the length of time she desires; she has the right to
choose the man she bestowes her affections upon, whereas the married
woman has no right whatsoever; she must submit to the embrace of her
lord, no matter how lothsome this embrace may be to her, she must obey
his commands; she has to bear him children, even at the cost of her own
strength and health; in a word, she prostitutes herself every hour,
every day of her life. I can find no other name for the horrid,
humiliating and degrading condition of my married sisters than
prostitution of the worst kind, with the only exception that the one is
legal, the other illegal.
I cannot deal with the few exceptional cases of marriage which are based
on love, esteem and respect; these exceptions only verify the rule. But
whether legal or illegal, prostitution in any form is unnatural, hurtful
and despicable, and I know only too well that the conditions cannot be
changed until this infernal system is abolished, but I also know that it
is not only the economic dependence of women which has caused her
enslavement, but also her ignorance and prejudice, and I also know that
many of my sisters could be made free even now, were it not for our
marriage institutions which keep them in ignorance, stupidity and
prejudice. I therefore consider it my greatest duty to denounce
marriage, not only the old form, but the so-called modern marriage, the
idea of taking a wife and housekeeper, the idea of private possession of
one sex by the other. I demand the independence of woman; her right to
support herself; to live for herself; to love whomever she pleases, or
as many as she pleases. I demand freedom for both sexes, freedom of
action, freedom in love and freedom in motherhood.
Do not tell me that all this can only be accomplished under Anarchy;
this is entirely wrong. If we want to accomplish Anarchy, we must first
have free women at least, those woman who are economically just as
independent as their brothers are, and unless we have free women, we
cannot have free mothers, and if mothers are not free, we cannot expect
the young generation to assist us in the accomplishment of our aim, that
is the establishment of an Anarchist society.
To you Freethinkers and Liberals who have abolished one God and created
many whom you worship; you Radicals and Socialists, who still send your
children to Sunday school, and all those who make concessions to the
moral standard of to day; to all of you I say that it is your lack of
courage which makes you cling to and uphold marriage, and while you
admit its absurdity in theory, you have not the energy to defy public
opinion, and to live your own life practically. You prate of equality of
the sexes in a future Society, but you think it a necessary evil that
the woman should suffer at present. You say women are inferior and
weaker, and instead of assisting them to grow stronger you help to keep
them in a degraded position. You demand exclusiveness for us, but you
love variety and enjoy it whereever you can get a chance.
Marriage, the curse of so many centuries, the cause of jealousy, suicide
and crime, must be abolished if we wish the young generation to grow to
healthy, strong and free men and women.